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PepperJ
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Okay...posting this again.

If the original was censored or something, and I end up with two, sorry....

My son is 18, lives at home, will graduate HS in Dec.

He has a girlfriend who has had a pretty tough life.

Girlfriend moved into our house.

I hope I'm not a grandma too soon ๐Ÿ™ JK. There are rules and I have cameras and I'm strict. Girlfriend actually said to me that if I didn't choose to be a SAHM, she could see me being a CEO because of how strict/tough/whatever...I am

She lives in our basement. In a family room that I divided with some book shelves. I put blankets on the bookshelves. So she doesn't have an actual "room" or even a wall or door. I bought her a cot, sheets, pillow, blankets, small night stand, lamp, those plastic drawers/dresser, some baskets, a lamp, and a bean bag type of chair with a back to it.

But she says:
"This is the nicest house I've ever lived in"
And
"This is the most space I've ever had to myself."

I also heard her on camera, when she was moving in, giggling. My daughter asked her, "What?" She replied, "I have my own little chair!"

My heart breaks for her. At the same time, I'm worried about the relationship part of the whole thing....not necessarily pregnancy (but yes, that)....but also the fact that my son has no real chance now to really go out with his friends without her/be away from her/have time apart....etc. Although I've tried and have been mildly successful in facilitating that...

Anyone been in a similar situation? Any advice or words of wisdom?

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Since writing this post PepperJ may have helped people, but has not within the last four (4) days.
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(19 minutes after post)
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And, no. The camera is not in her room. It's in the family room area and it's a motion sensor camera. That's in place because we also have an actual room mate whom has lived with us for over a year, and I put cameras in a couple of the public spaces (my office on the main level and now this one...to make sure that my son stays out of his gf's space and to make sure that nothing funky goes on....really a protection for the gf, the room mate and my son)

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(3 hours after post)
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Your original post is up! It says NSFW so maybe it had to be approved?

Happy earth
(6 hours after post)
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@Rockster160 can you merge this additional info with the original post?

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D
(7 hours after post)
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I don't understand, exactly.

Your son is 18, so old enough to have a girlfriend, and be in the same room with her any- and all- the time.

Why are you worried he can't go out without her? Isn't that why she moved in?

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(20 hours after post)
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@DragonLady
Let's call the girl B

My son is 18. He still lives at home. He's not going to "play house" at my house and on my dime. If he wants to be in a bedroom with her, they can move out and rent their own apartment.

However, my son is not totally into her; though she is into him. So I'm trying to provide the space necessary so that he has a life separate from time spent with her. She is inserting herself into his life pretty aggressively.

She didn't move in so that they could be together. She moved in because she was kicked out and was homeless.

When she was 16, mom and dad divorced b/c dad was a womanizer. She lived with mom. She always talked to mom about how dad was so great. So mom told her to live with dad. Since then, mom has blocked her on social media, said she never had a daughter named B., and has told her that there is nothing she can do to make mom want to see her or have anything to do with her again

She lived with dad for a while. Dad had a son from a prev marriage who was 4-6 years older than her. This guy would beat on B. She would go to her room, close the door to be away from him/ out of his way. He would enter her room that she shared with a sister, and would pull both girls off the beds by their feet. He would drag them to living room and would kick and punch them.

She told dad about this. Dad said that he didn't want to hear it and that if she complained, she would be kicked out. She also asked dad why he had a different woman every week and why he went out and partied and drank so much. Because of that, dad started hitting B. Eventually dad told B to get out of his house

After she was kicked out of dad's house, she literally had no place. She lived with various friends. She traded favors for a roof/meal. She used drugs and dropped out of school

After living on the streets for a few months, dad's ex girlfriend let her move in

@ex girlfriend's house, she lived in a shabby trailer in a bad neighborhood. She shared a bedroom with ex girlfriend's two daughters. So she literally had the top bunk of the bed as her personal space. She worked and sort of went back to school (but still flunked out). She was charged $350 in rent per month. It was while she was living with dad's ex girlfriend that my son met her.

Dad's ex girlfriend started dating B's dad again. But ex girlfriend knew dad was a womanizer so she would go to dad's place to place herself in his life firmly and prevent other women from visiting. She would spend two weeks at a time away from home, at dad's house. The three girls living in the trailer were young and had no car. The two younger girls (dad's ex girlfriend's bio daughters) were missing school/truant...no way to get to school. There was no food in the house. Nobody was feeding these girls. My son was there once and confirmed that. So B would work her job (at Taco Bell a block away) and would bring food home for the two younger girls. B stopped paying rent because she was pissed that ex girlfriend was never around, not taking care of the girls, and not feeding anyone. Though B was feeding herself and the two girls the best she could.

Ex girlfriend kicked her out for non payment of rent.

B moved in with her boss for a couple days. However, boss had a 3 bedroom apartment with 6 adults living there. Boss also had big parties and had men over. Boss told B that she would have to participate in parties or be out in 3 days. We went to get her (an hour and a half away, at this point).

All she had in her total possession when we picked her up was one duffel bag and two paintings/watercolors that she had done at school. She loves art.

She actually had a hamper, as well, with some clothes in it, but since Boss was so insistent that she get out before "party weekend," she left it behind. We haven't actually gone to pick it up, yet.

She sees my son as a great guy. She's afraid of men. Our male room mate (who has lived with us for over a year) has seen her fear. My husb has seen her fear. I've seen her fear.

My son is the first and only guy who has treated her well.

Add to that the fact that my kids are rather spoiled/entitled to some degree: They are home educated; they have been in club and school (you can play for a school even if homeschooled) soccer for years. They've been in basketball, baseball, and have taken art classes. They take sign language lessons. They took 3 years of Arabic lessons and 1 year of Spanish lessons. They have all been in dance for 6/7 years. My daughter has been in dance (tap, jazz, ballet and pointe) for 7 years and my sons for 6. They all take piano lessons. They all take an additional instrument (lessons) besides piano. We just arrived back home from a trip that was 29 days long and included sights and experiences in St Louis, Memphis, Nashville, Asheville, Charlotte, Columbia (SC), Charleston, Tybee Island, Savannah, Orlando (and all the parks), and lots of beach time.

She wants that life. Plus because of her past, she's very insecure. And has found a boy who is a cut above what she's used to in that he treats her right. And his family who seems pretty stable, after what she's dealt with. So she has latched on a bit, and I don't want her to "smother" him. He didn't want her to move in. He's not nearly as "ready" to "settle" as she is. He wanted his space; his separate life; his separate friends. But he also said that we couldn't not let her move in, given the circumstances.

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(1 day after post)
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My heart just broke for this poor girl :( I think you should keep doing what youโ€™re doing now. I live in a one bedroom condo and I would 100% take this girl in ๐Ÿ˜ญ

D
(1 day after post)
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Okay; I understand now.

I think if your DS isn't into her, he needs to tell her so. Otherwise, he's just perpetuating her feelings toward him, and when she realizes the truth she will feel really hurt.

He can do it in a way that doesn't affect your relationship, I think, so she can continue to stay with you and has a chance to get her life together. Maybe something like:

"You're a really nice person, but I'm beginning to see you more like a sister. I'm very happy to accept you into the family, but not as a romantic interest."

IDK.... I'm sure if the two of you give it some thought, you can find the right words so everyone can share the space without leading each other on and without limiting anyone by trying to carry one a charade to spare her feelings.

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(1 day after post)
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DragonLady wrote:
Okay; I understand now.

I think if your DS isn't into her, he needs to tell her so. Otherwise, he's just perpetuating her feelings toward him, and when she realizes the truth she will feel really hurt.

He can do it in a way that doesn't affect your relationship, I think, so she can continue to stay with you and has a chance to get her life together. Maybe something like:

"You're a really nice person, but I'm beginning to see you more like a sister. I'm very happy to accept you into the family, but not as a romantic interest."

IDK.... I'm sure if the two of you give it some thought, you can find the right words so everyone can share the space without leading each other on and without limiting anyone by trying to carry one a charade to spare her feelings.

Yep. We are trying to think of ways to do this.

The biggest issue is that she has been "thrown away" by every single person in her life. Having my son tell her that he doesn't want her as a serious GF will feel (to her) as if she's being thrown away again, even though that's not true.

I have talked to her about giving him his space. I have talked to her about healthy relationships having different space/time. I have talked to her about if the romantic thing doesn't work, she still has 7 people in her life who will unconditionally be there for her (all of us plus our one male room mate).

My son has a few friends who are girls. I can hear/see the jealousy that B has toward these other girls. I've sat down and explained to her that my son won't do anything with them and that it's not like that for him. She said she trusts my son, but not the girls. I said, "Well, if he doesn't see them that way, it doesn't matter what they do. He won't 'go there.' Part of the reason you like him so much and part of the reason you know that he is a good guy is because he was raised to be able to think things through; he's logical; and he comes to us (mom/dad) for help and questions with relationships. He knows how to put people in the places they belong in his life...."

And, yes, son needs to tell her he's not so into her. The issue with that is that she's a beautiful girl, staying in our house. And....hormones....

And those two last paragraphs is where I have issues with the whole thing...not where I would ever ask her to leave, but where I would need advice because....what now? lol

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(1 day after post)
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And she comes from a different place than most of my son's friends who are girls. She's used ***sex to procure what she needs. Not everyone has been in the same situation, but that's hard for her to understand....

D
(1 day after post)
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And, yes, son needs to tell her he's not so into her. The issue with that is that she's a beautiful girl, staying in our house. And....hormones....
------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Yes; and they're both adults. There's nothing stopping them from finding a hotel room or the back of a car or any one of the thousands of other places young people have been finding for romantic interludes since the dawn of humanity. You can't stop that, and tbh, I don't think you should even try.

But, he does need to be honest with her. It needs to come from him, firsthand, and straight. Waiting 'til the right time in an attempt to be compassionate & soften the blow, will only have the opposite effect.

"you are a gorgeous girl, and you won't have any trouble finding the right guy, but he ain't me"

It's not nice, but it's far less cruel than the alternative. After all, she has already rearranged her whole life for him (maybe she's better off, but that wasn't her motivation), and he needs to draw the bright lines so she can move on emotionally.

It's great your giving her room in your home and your heart, but ultimately, she still needs to be her own person, and she can't do that if she's busy trying to build -or rebuild- a relationship with someone who doesn't want her.

D
(1 day after post)
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PepperJ wrote:
And she comes from a different place than most of my son's friends who are girls. She's used ***sex to procure what she needs. Not everyone has been in the same situation, but that's hard for her to understand....

(nods) I get that.

But that's not something for your DS to try to teach her.

He needs to put her in the "friend zone" and then refuse to even discuss any of his activities, other friends, girlfriends, etc. with her.

"Yes. I'm going out tonight. As I've told you, I'm not planning to maintain any kind of romantic relationship with you, so it's out of bounds to expect me to discuss my activities, movements or plans with you."


Short and sweet. If you wish, you may discuss it more with her if she wishes, but always making it clear that he has no obligation to her, and has made it clear he isn't interested in her.*


*Don't say "in anyone" or "at this time" because that just leaves her hoping. You have to make it a clean, decisive break.

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I really wish the two posts could be consolidated in some way!

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@DragonLady I am human; I know that romantic interludes happen. I'm not trying to stop it. I'm just not comfortable with it in my house.

For "adults," as they technically are, they have a LOT of learning and growing to do. Besides, the brain isn't even fully developed til the 20's. I feel like 18 is too young to be an "adult" for many people....just fine for others. But 20 would be good...with some lessons

He likes her. He loves her. He says he feels like he found a best friend. I have been setting the stage with healthy relationships/boundaries convos. And have told her that just because he's not ready for her now doesn't mean he won't be in the future. HE even said that. He told me she would be an amazing GF, but he just doesn't feel it in his heart. He's going to deliver the news soon

Her motivation to move in wasn't him. She wasn't even sure that she would be moving in because when she lived with dad's ex GF and was feeding the 2 girls, she asked and I said no. When she got kicked out, I said no. BELIEVE ME: it was HARD to say no. And after family convos and discussions about rules, possible scenarios, etc...we decided that we would get her and bring her here. I'm glad we did

D
(1 day after post)
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PepperJ, of course I know you're human.

I have four kids, all grown now, and I went through similar dramas with all of them.

I don't blame you for setting rules in your house, and I don't blame you for being uncomfortable with the world seeing 18 as "adults". But...they're old enough to drive, go to college, join the military, vote...so it's kinda hard to justify saying they're not old enough for making their own choices.

I'm sure that both of these young people are going to be just fine. You've raised your son to have good values, and I think you'll be able to impart the same to this girl. No one knows what the future holds, and who knows? They may end up happily married forever. But...I think everyone is benefitted if they wait a few years and spend some time just being grown up and free first.

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(1 day after post)
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DragonLady wrote:
PepperJ, of course I know you're human.

I know. I said it sorta tongue in cheek because when I was 18, I was really boy crazy; and I'm not so old fashioned that I don't think it wouldn't be the case with my kids, too :)

DragonLady wrote:

I have four kids, all grown now, and I went through similar dramas with all of them.

I have four also :)

DragonLady wrote:

I don't blame you for setting rules in your house, and I don't blame you for being uncomfortable with the world seeing 18 as "adults". But...they're old enough to drive, go to college, join the military, vote...so it's kinda hard to justify saying they're not old enough for making their own choices.

I know. I think some are totally ready for adulthood at 18. Some aren't. My son isn't because he's a little coddled, but he will be ready and strong in his early 20's. This girl isn't because she is pretty clueless about anything other than "SURVIVAL." Hopefully she will be able to get past that and be "grown" in her early 20's.

On the other hand, we have a rental property, and a young couple with a child just moved in. They are working AND going to college (both) AND raising their son AND paying rent on time AND keeping up the yard, etc...They are 18 and 20. Pretty sure parents are NOT helping and they are doing it all themselves. And as you mentioned: soldiers...

DragonLady wrote:
But...I think everyone is benefitted if they wait a few years and spend some time just being grown up and free first.

Agree 100%

D
(2 days after post)
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DragonLady wrote:
But...I think everyone is benefitted if they wait a few years and spend some time just being grown up and free first.

Agree 100% [/quote]

(nods) I do believe it's important to be 100% free, not "wait and see" free. So that's why I'm an advocate of putting the hard truth on the table right away, letting the cards fall where they will with time and circumstance. When one builds the life they want, the right person to share it becomes easier to recognize.

D
(5 days after post)
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So, did DS tell her? How did it go?

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(5 days after post)
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He told her this morning.

she cried

They decided to be friends. She's working her best to make it more than friends.

But sitting back and observing the relationship, she fits into this family more like a daughter/sister. She's not ready for a relationship that is serious yet, though she thinks she is....

We'll see how the next couple days go

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(6 days after post)
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Wow, good for him! Thatโ€™s a tough conversation to have at any age and you should be very proud of your son for stepping up and doing it.

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Araz wrote:
Wow, good for him! Thatโ€™s a tough conversation to have at any age and you should be very proud of your son for stepping up and doing it.

I am proud of him, but he didn't do it quite as succinctly as Dragon Lady said it should be done (and I agree with Dragon Lady, lol) So he sort of left the door open, which is what I was hoping he would be strong enough to not do...

And also, "breaking up" with someone while they live in the same house as you do is tough, so I don't know how this will go.....

Happy earth
(6 days after post)
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Poor girl has probably never seen an example of a healthy relationship. She shouldn't be dating anyone until she's gained some stability and self knowledge and knows what she wants and needs in a relationship and what she brings into it.

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smiley wrote:
Poor girl has probably never seen an example of a healthy relationship. She shouldn't be dating anyone until she's gained some stability and self knowledge and knows what she wants and needs in a relationship and what she brings into it.

Agree 100%.

Even my son, who had a relatively stable (most of the time) upbringing, isn't "mature enough" or "self aware" enough to settle. It's fine that he dates; that's part of learning who you are and what you want.

Settling....not so much

D
(1 week after post)
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I agree; everyone needs a few years to do things they'll never have another chance to do, to really figure out who they are and what they want for themselves, and to earn a place of their own in the world.


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