Your a good friend

Well, girl. I hope you're okay. Sorry I wasn't a better friend.
Take care, now.

Ahh.....the good 'ol days. Thanks for sharing your photos with me.
As you can tell by my avatar, I was once (what is called) a tow-head. It just another way of saying blonde or white hair.
In my case, I outgrew my hair color - it changed to a lighter brown (I think by the time I was...7 or 8-years-old.)
I can see you have a lot of facial features in common with your father - I can certainly tell you're both related!😃
Now....I don't normally dish out too many compliments because sometimes they're taken wrong - but your mom and dad made a good looking girl.
Believing that is up to you, but it's also part of the trouble that other people have when it comes to some of the problems you have. It's difficult to see someone so pretty hurting themselves.
Anyway, I won't say anything more than thank you for thinking of me. I'm kind of going through some problems myself and I try not to advertise - I guess I'm proud.
We all have our moments, don't we? It seems lately that you have been (mostly) positive - I hope you can keep going in that direction. Of course there are set-backs but....we move on.
You're a good lady, Ash.
Thanks for comming by - I'll let you know more of what has happened a little bit in the future.
Keep smiling😃!

Your avatar reminds me of my grandparents house and my dad
Cause my dad was a white hair blue eye kid and I always saw the pictures cause I lived with grandma and grandpa.
http://i66.tinypic.com/1zzga35.jpg
http://i67.tinypic.com/21kdvgk.jpg

I know these dont look as much like your photo but I have some of his school photos that do. I just dont have them on my phone.

In these ones you can see we look alot alike. Both have stupid deep gorilla faces. Mine especially.
Your kid is cuter for sure.
Still it reminds me.
Thought share since lately we hsvent been so friendly. At least i havent been
http://i65.tinypic.com/149siv7.jpg

http://i67.tinypic.com/kejcpz.jpg

😄
I suppose when two people are having a bad day, something interesting usually occurrs?
Lol!

Water under the bridge.

Also, please forgive my own shortcommings - (I too have quite a list AND I'm likely further along in the game because of my age).

I was sensitive because I thought you were saying I made up the story because I messed up the word.
As in I'm a liar.
I didnt actually intend to remove you. I went to yout page and clicked the red circle when I meant to click the megaphone.
I'm on a phone so it's not as easy to click.
Then when it turned into a green circle I realized it removed you. I didnt re add to because I knew youd get a notification saying I asked you again which I thought would be more noticable then doing nothing.
I was trying to shout you because I was going to explain that I'm having a really bad time. You probably dont get it but I spent 600 dollars on a new cat only for the breeder to take him back which was upsetting but within her rights because the contract stated she had 3 days to change her mind.
Then I've had alot of issues trying to get my appointment for my medication.
A foster cat had 9 kittens only for 7 to die and I've been stuck raising the last 2 not getting a lot of sleep
I just took on a new job that starts Friday and I'm worried I cant emotionally handle it.
My mom is taking all my money. Because she cant afford to pay the vacation she is making me go on. About $1,500 a side from the $500 she expects me to pay for me and my brother.
I've been really paranoid since not having my medication making it a challange for me to engage in conversations due to my thoughts. My misunderstandings. My wrong perception. So I havent been.
I thought you were trying to say when I said soemthing wrong that I was not telling the truth.

Anyway. After your reply that same day I had an appointment. I got my medication. One dose went up.
And I wont be better that quickly but. I'm sorry for my misunderstanding and taking offense.
I'm not like that all the time.

Edited.

- An expression like "Aloha."
"Happiness comming."
"Happiness going."
It works in both cases.
See you later, alligator!😄

Cheers means bye?

I glad to be on your friends board (again) lol!
A BA1 )HUG( for you.
Cheers now!

You are both sweet and considerate - I have seen you also help others with more consideration than you give yourself and that is quality trait of a fine person.
And though I may not always need helping....who knows, I might twist my foot or something, lol!
And I don't regret my decisions when it comes to adding friends.
I think you're pretty swell too, kiddo. Spring is neigh! May your grass grow green!

I only dropped people from my friends list cause I felt I wasn't really a friend to them
And like maybe they regretted adding me

I like you
Your really smart

Terribly sorry for having been absent for so long - so many things unattended needed catching up.
I can also understand why it seems you have dropped me from your friends list. But regardless, if there's anything I can help you with, I will certainly do my best.
Take care, now dear girl.

Someone reported me to the Interpol. Which contacted my countries FBI.
Which did an investigation on me Then they contacted my local police department
Who just showed up at my house
Cause someone sent them my help-qa posts and messages.

I know it wasn't you but I can't trust this site. So I have to leave. Would you like to email? Akornz51 @ gmail .com
If not I'll understand.

Just got done with my therapy

18

The way people value their time is not in your hands to determine. People will decide for themselves.

And waiting for the contract to expire hardly seems like a long term plan.

How old are Koyfu

I dont like making long term palms and commitments when I'm not gonna be here long term.
Seems like a waste of other people's time

Well, maybe you can wait but out and expire your contract.

But ultimately, you need to see a professional who cares and gives you a better assessment.

There's a lot to do that needs to be done.

I actually held alot of responsibility its just not fair to say i caused everything or its cause I got bpd. I mostly just reacted to stuff. Not started stuff on purpose

I'm afraid to change phyciatrists cause she will think im going around her cause I don't want to deal with the conciquences of my actions and I dont want her to find out
When I was in inpatient they apparently knew my phyciatrist and said she was one of the best and didn't believe my story's ablut her cpuld be the same person but they were
I have to either see her or see no one and luckily for me she hasn't made any appointments for me so I can't be going bsck to inpaitent for missing when there arnt appointments
Tecnecailly what I'm doing is against the rules cause I'm required togo but. So far it's working and my contract is almost over. As long as i dont get sent back to inpaitent it won't be extended
Then i can stop going at all

That" right. She doesn't know what happened and it seems she doesn't care.

If this is the case, get rid of her. Find someone who can see what he situation is from your point of view. You have that right.
These court appointed psychs work in favor of the system not you.
Fire her Kyofu, find someone else. You'll start feeling better.
Half your troubles are fear based and you need proper help to work through that.
The abuse you suffered by your dad was never your fault (somehow you know this).
You deserve validation

Well i got sort of agitated and shut down. Not wanting to talk anymore
I felt mad cause there saying its all my fault without even understanding ehat happened
Slot of times it honestly wasn't my fault
Like. My dad once knew I didn't so something his wife accused me of. But cause she said i did he hurt me and then he told me it doesn't matter what is true he will believe whatever she says. And he knew for sure
Cause i got beat for not watering the garden whem dad helped me water it
So he knew i did it
I dont understand how in situations like that it's my fault
I under stand alot of my had behavior but alot of the time bad things happen and my bad behavior was after that unfair thing happened. Like when I ran away its cause is as afraid or when I said I dont care what dad does to me and he choked me it's cause I didn't care ablut living
So sometimes I had bad behavior but i never tried on purpose to be bad cause I loved him alot and I was afraid of making a mistake but nobody understands
So i just shut down and dont talk cayse I'm afraid to talk
Sometimes it's not my fault even if i have bpd

I get it alot of it is my fault . But like I said
She doesnt even know what happened so it's jot fair

What?!
Kyofu....did you just stand there and take it? Why would you believe such a thing? Because she said it?

You should tell her she needs to start thinking of how she's gonna feel, pulling your foot out of her a$$....
She sounds evil and you need to find a different phych. Fire her!

I hate when people say lifes kot fiar

Yeah i know but that doesn't mean im not gonna have hurt feelings

The phyciatrist told me I need to start thinking of how my bpd caused my dad to do those things to me and all my family to hate and leave me

I thought that wasn't fair because I try to desperately for them to like me
And they don't even know what happened only what my file says and they are blaming me

I am so sorry to hear this. I can clearly understand why this would hurt your feelings.

I know how you feel because my dad treated his second family better than he did me or my mom.

Later, my mom met an older an named Ben. Just like you Richard, Ben was (almost) like a father to me.

It didn't mean I stopped loving my dad, but I could doo nothing to get him to see me for who I was - his son.
He treated his step sons better and that's okay. It's okay because....I don't think they ever had a dad.

And your dad is probably mad at your mom, but instead of seeing you, he sees what makes him upset. It was never you.

Still...it's not fair dear girl.

My dad is really cool and nice
He was my favorite but he's also super scary but i still like him but now he's gone and I still like him but he isn't here so I have to make Richard my favorite And Richard is old and loves away from me but he's never been scary before
He's a pretty great friend
I like talking about Richard
He's 69 and he used to love in Florida but he just moved to new York and I'm gonna give him a kitten next year

I dont want him to hurt the baby but i don't want him to treat her better wither cause its not fair

I feel very sad cause he loves the baby but he never loved me like that cause he says i got bad blood cause I'm my mom's baby and I'm gonna be a criminal
And u was a drug baby and he doesn't test my brother like that amd my hrother says he doesnt treat the baby like that. He treats the baby very good. But it hurts my feelings

Kyofu, I will keep your words in confidence. It's not my place to mind the business of others unless they need me to do the things they would not be able to.

If you say your dad is good, he is good. You love him and i'm sure he loves you.
I think he is angry at life or himself (or both) and he just doesn't know what to do.

Like you said to me

I think this is also the way your dad feels about himself too.
You don't need a polygraph. If it's true you know it. It won't make you love him less nor will it make him love you less.

I did all that for my dad but he still disowned me. Won't tell to me. I dont exist. He blocked me everywhere
He is angry at me. I understand why. But i just dont understand. Dad says none of it happened tbat I'm a liar.
I have very clear memories but i wonder is he right? How can he tell me it didn't happ3n if it did
I feel confused sometimes about reality
I wanna take a polygraph to find out if it really happened or I'm nuts
I dont care if it happened. I just wanna know

But it's a secret okay?

I think you can. For boys there isn't much limit on time.
My dad had a new baby and he's 52.
He has started life over. New wife and house and cars and baby.
Don't tell anyone I said that
They'd be furious to know he's not in jail.
I did everything I could to keep him put of jail after they notified the police. Even lying at court for my dad's defense. But. My dad is a good person
He got a whole new life
If dad can have a baby and a wife and nice things so old
You can too.

[‌quote]If you want a real life family why not make one?[/qoute]
It's a nice thought, but life only gives out so many chances to a person. As you get older, people pair up. There is less to choose from - and young people tend to like people their own age (which is understandible).
Less people to choose at 30 years old. At 35 years old. At 40 years old - you get the idea.

That's one of the kindest thing I've heard in a very long while. Thank you for saying so.

I dont want a family anymore
I dont want it..

I'd give it all to you if I could
If you want a real life fanily why not make one?

Of course padre loves his wife. I'm just saying that his wife has more power to make his life miserable than you do. That's all.

Did he say he was depressed? Guess I will have to read it for myself - but, again, that is Padre and the way life works with him. His depression has nothing to do with you.

My mom and dad are dead Kyofu.... My best friend didn't bother telling me he was getting married MUCH LESS than to invite me to his wedding. He just moved to the Phillipines. I have no brothers or sisters. My last pet died 10 years ago.
As much as I love my Help friends and family.... I wish I could have my real family back.

The difference between you and me is you have good chances to make your own real life family. I would never kill myself, so, I am stuck as I am until the day I die.

It doesn't have to be that way with you. Enjoy being young. Find some work. Get paid. Someone will like you for how you are and do everything in the world to prove it.
And that's where it all really begins - If you want it.
But you also have to say goodbye to the past.

But I thought Padre liked his wife.
He doesnt got the flu no more. He said he is depressed on his profile.

Your a different then real life family cause you guys don't hurt me. Internet is safer then real life people
Internet can be mean with words but then you can just go away

No, dear girl...his wife has the ability to make his life bad -😂😂😂😂😂

....No....people aren't mind readers. You have to tap someone on the shoulder from time to time. Personally, I don't care who I wake up at 4 am when do it, so...don't e so concerned.

Really? What shame. Because the only friend he was spending time with was...the flu! Yes, dear you were interrupting his sacred flu time! Lol😂😂😂😂

Okay.... Time to get serious. Stop talking and acting like we (everybody here) are strangers. We're not. You are a part of our family and have been for a long time. We're a different sort family because....internet?
But family and friends indeed.

(Well...don't let anyone wake know, I've got a reputation to keep) lol!

Yes, I made most of these Avatars for my friends.

Lightening everywhere lightening everywhere lightening everywhere
Chhhrrrrr
Is that a filter or did you got to draw all that lightening
I think you drew it cause it looks drawn
Did you do that spinning one too

Yeah your friendly.

I'm not so good at typing I guess cause my brain thinks it quicker then I can type it so I dont have time to fix it and I almost got nuts again but I'm okay mainly cause you seem okay.
I like the cold and snow alot. I think Alaska is a nice place to be.
I dunno what a ball of yarn is whrn you use it to talk about people
I dunno
Padre is big but i still feel I have this ability to make his life bad.
I dunno. I just regret messaging him
I feel bad. I feel i shouldn't of done that
If he wanted to talk to me he would of message me first
After all I should no better cause other people are busy so i should wait. So that I know I'm not making a bad situation worse.
I get worried am I upsetting you but you seem okay right now

Take it easy now...

Padre is a big boy. I here to promise, he can handle a thing or two and by no means have you done anything to make Padre worse?
No, that's bit impossible.
As far as wasting my time, I do a good job of wasting time so, it looks like I'm in good company. Let's waste a little time together.
It's past 330 where you live. [1230] here.
This is on you little lady. If you can keep your eyes open or not because I'm not that good of a typer! Lol!

Honestly...what is a good friend? You're kinda cute for a ball o yarn!

It doesn't matter HOW you at things - just SAY them. People will read you - just as you read them. And I'm sure if someone needed your help and you were able to help them.....you would help them.
That's called being human.
It ranks higher than being a friend sometimes.

When younger that feeling to run, sometimes you just gotta hold yourself in place. When you do, you'll see it can be other that will run.
If they don't, consider them your friend.
😃

This is what happens.. I write something I want to say. Then i delete the whole thing. I reword it. Then delete it. Cause I feel every thing i say is wrong. No matter what I say im a burden. I'm doing exactly what I dont want to do. I'm not a good friend. I can't help it
I can't say things. And then I realize no matter what I do its going to make there lives more negative with me around. And the best thing I can do is go away. Cause if i stay in gonna talk like I'm doing now. And all I can do is run away So everyone can be happier
And even now I feel I'm not explaining it right and I want to delete it and not send it.
But i struggle cause I'm a bad friend
I came back at a bad time for padre and this is his place and I didn't even think oh maybe he could be sad
Maybe i could disturbing him
I thought. Well its beem 2 years I'm sure it won't be annoying if i message him once as long as i dont start messaging him alot. And then I came here
And realized i had more friends then padre. But i feel guilty and bad and I dont know what to do. And i can't sleep cause I'm wired with thoughts
So i wrap up in blankets and rock and when I tell myself stop rocking
You cant fall asleep if your moving I stop and without thinking I'm rocking again
And i just have no control over the garbage I am. And i know people will tell me I have control and I'm lazy. But i just can't explain it. I can't fix it. I feel I'm functuoning less and less as time goes on. And then I feel I'm selfish for mentioning it or getting worse when people like padre are getting worse and I dont have the right cause padre did me a service so i need to be better and help him Now
But i cant help him cause I don't know how and he doesn't like me and the only helphelpful thing i can do is go away and this is the kind of uncontrolled thoughts I can't control and if feel i haven't even explained any thing yet I've managed to waste your time and do a wrong thing

I like isolation. But I'm not insecure. I AM raw. I live in Alaska so....I'm rather chewy. Have lots of gristle - lol!

All you can be is what you are...

It's okay to go against the flow. To like the things others do not, there's no guilt in that. To hate the things that people like so much - you've seen it before.

Who wants to be a robot, right? Show people who you are. Sometimes, people just don't like to see me comming their way. They don't know what to do...they don't know where to run.
All of this...when I was just comming to say "hi."

I've been called a liar before. Frankly the views of people like that don't concern me. Nor should you let them concern you. There are plenty of others who care what you think, do or say because they care about you.

Hang around, dear girl....
Don't let stupid people take you down with them.

Last time I checked, you ain't stupid.

I kinda like my avatar cause I feel like me in it.
Like. I feel safely hidden yet myself.
I dont wear make up or do my hair
I struggle with self care everyday.
My hair is a mess. My face is kinda hidden. That's my favorite sweater. I dont feel to seen.
I dont ever wear revealing clothes.
So. I dunno. I just feel its a accurate representation of md.
I'm insecure. I do alot of hiding. But i feel better hiding. I love isolation.
I just like to be honest. I want to show people who I am
Prove it
Cause i hate being called a liar. So i think its honest. I dont put up a pretty picture cause I'm not like that. Just raw me

I am raw me. People don't like it but i am this way.
I feel its better to be raw you so tjat even though almost no one will like you
Youll know that the ones who do are genuine and won't leave

If Padre is sad there are different reasons why.

As for you.... (BIG HUG) and welcome back! I've missed you since the old days.

You come from a broken home.
My memory is long and some people say I have a gift of sight.
It's okay to admit the things you don't want. I could never could admit my dad was a failure because I loved him. But, I don't quiet think he felt the same about me.
I learned, as much as it hurt, that people (moms dads brothers and sister) will fail you. Sometime hurt you. Can even break you...and make you feel like dying.
But I also learned no is is any better or worse than me (and that also goes for you).
No one is any better than you. And the last time I looked around, no one was killing themselves for me (so why should I kill myself for them?)

It's okay to actually be happy and love yourself

There is no one that can be a better you except you.
(Hey! Nice to see your lovely self - glad you reupped your Avatar!

I feel guilty about coming back and padre being sad

Changed my picture back. I looked and I couldn't find my old account with any of my usernames

I go by Akornz sometimes which is based on my name.

Kyofu

Or Kovu'sShame

I Changed it back to Kyofu. Maybe people will remember me

Kyofu. Yes
It means fear. :)

Couldn't remember my password for that account

Yeah i still cut. Except now I use a straight razor
The results are both healthier and more dangerous.
They heal quicker cause its such a straight cut it jusr seals up the way it was. But it allowed you to go deeper. And if you go deep you get thick scars
Also you can get hurt Or die. But i dont really care about that stuff obviously

You didn't have to change your Avatar.

I remember you - Koyfu!
I do remember your flower but I also remember what you looked like so long ago. You've grown so beautifully since then. It's terribly sad to hear that you have not been able to resolve all your problems.

I remember you were cutting back then. Have you managed to overcome that?

Changed it

No. It was a yellow flower. I think I still have it. I'll change it if i do and maybe youll remember me