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How can I have both extremely high, AND low self-esteem?Over time, I had a period of my life which seemed like non-stop, unrelenting bad situations piling up one after another.

Poofvampy, I'll be completely honest with you, and myself on this one. I'm not sure so sure I even WANT to explore anymore right now....I started to get into cooking, after trying Curry Chicken, and Garlic/Basil Chicken with Creme Sauce(My creme's are SO clumpy haha...) but the truth of the matter is, and I am embarrassed to say it....I am afraid of branching out anymore.

I've seen so many people come into my life, and so many quickly depart for various reasons", usually something about me (which is never the same reason at any one time). I don't know what happened to me. The work-place me is essentially who I used to be in life as a whole. I use to be so courageous and borderline fearless about anything. I was a hard-charger who only wanted to do everything to his best ability. Not because of ego, but because he liked what he was doing. Somewhere along the line, I can admit this much. Life, I think....has beaten me. I let all the bad things that the world said about me become my reality. I've unconsciously accepted a long time ago that I was without many real friends for "xx" reason, and that I was never invited out for "rr" reason, that no matter who came into my life, I was never worth anything more than being a stepping stone, someone to be used until my purpose was served. I haven't received a single text message, phone call, or email from anyone, ANYONE, in months, YEARS even from most. Mind you, this comes from about 4 completely different and unrelated groups of people. So I wonder to myself "Yeah, i'd like to learn this hobby at some point....but am I doing it for ME? Or do I still subconsciously also 'hope' to meet new people? If the last part is true, I'm in for a rude awakening and haven't learned my lesson." After all, there must be something totally wrong with me if after all this time, all of these "lesson learned" moments, all of these people who are quick to make an excuse why they cant meet with me. If I am the only one I met who cant make it work, then maybe there is no point in trying to be anything more than what I have come to accept about my life....? I mean, really...IS there a point? What if THIS is what I am only suppose to have...?

I would LOVE to have as much courage and pride in my personal life as my work-life...but I don't know if I am capable anymore....Maybe I've just believed in the bad parts of myself for too long...? Maybe I'm too conditioned to being the "not worth it-guy" of his social circles. How can I risk everything, every day at work, and be completely fearless, jovial, feel like I 'belong'...yet come home with little to lose anymore, and minimal risks and say "I'm too scared to do this anymore"? That makes NO sense to me...!! I feel like I am insane....meaning that no matter how many times I try to my my personal life shine, it never does. I say "insane" because I feel like I am trying for the same thing over and over expect a new result, when a big part of me has already come to believe, and had been conditioned to believe, that will never happen because...."Hey, it's ME after all? Why would anyone, or anything stop for ME? No one EVER has, GET REAL". I feel like my life is F****D....!!! I'm not getting any younger either, and I KNOW that the older I get, the more I will cement this rationale into my heart and mind. I KNOW that I am not supposed to feel like this but I do. I have very little in my life to use as evidence against this kind of thinking....

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