Yeah it is. He is gone for now
He usually comes by in the evening or afternoon

what are you talking about? you did nothing wrong and it was very thoughtful of you that you tried so hard to keep in mind! nah, don't worry, I believe yeti considers you a good friend, and it was more than enough that you posted in fear you'd forget.
btw, it's today. I think it must be Thursday morning there. take care.

I'm okay.
Yeah Yetis birthday. I'm so worried I'll forget. That I'll just be going through the motions without being there on auto pilot and ill forget
And I'll feel so badly

I keep having mini panics every few days when I realize I have thought of it for a few days. I'm just trying to hard to remember

Usually I remember
But lately I've just been. Off. Gone. I dont know. I've been wiped all day but I'm back

I feel a little badly
Like yeti is sad I didnt do it on his birthday
I will say it on his birthday
I just am afraid I wont.
I havent been a good friend lately.

You could have told me and i'd remind you! But i'm sure yeti will appreciate your efford!
How are you feeling today?

Oh. His name is Walter

oh no, wait, the ginger one is not a pokemon, he reminds me of thundercats! (yes, I'm that old!) if you don't know what I'm talking about, google it! you might even find a suitable name for him!

awwwww! aren't they all adorable??? my heart is melting!!!
my favorite off course is Eleanor, don't know why, could be the name or her eyes, but I think I'm in love!!!
the ginger male looks awesome too! I'm pretty sure there's a pokemon that looks like him! if not, there should be!
and I absolutely adore Dalhia's and Gus's eyes and nose and everything!!!!
you're right about Esmè, you'll have the time to groom her later! don't worry about it.
I'm happy because you seem to be doing an excellent job with them! you're a great mom! keep me updated, most importantly for the premature ones!

And I might as well show you everyone else cause why not.
Al
http://i64.tinypic.com/2ppzpeu.jpg
Agnes
http://i63.tinypic.com/2eqfd5v.jpg
Eleanor
http://i63.tinypic.com/21d03s5.jpg
Esmé
I know he face is dirty but I have been tryin to leave her alone cause of her babies.
http://i67.tinypic.com/2utqbyu.jpg

And some doggos

Blu
http://i65.tinypic.com/168e8m8.jpg
Vega
http://i65.tinypic.com/i2ps3o.jpg

I just put the down payment down on this male.
http://i66.tinypic.com/106xbv9.jpg
You probably think I'm nuts. Like a hoarder. But I'm not.

It was always my plan to have 7 cats.
2 males. 5 females.
Albert is not a good quality. Hes not a bad quality but not that good.
The reason I dont already have 7 cats is because almost all the cats within 4 hours of me all year have been bad quality or not what I'm looking for.
Dahlia has the best looking facial structure I've seen and her color is rare and takes alot or hard work to achieve. I worry if I sell her I'll never find another like her.
But the boy I needed. All my females show the black gene so the Male must be the red gene and he will do good in shows
http://i65.tinypic.com/2yukm76.jpg

Should I get him? No.
But if I'm going to live I want to continue working towards my goals.
But if I'm going to die I shouldnt.
If I have to live I want to continue on the path. But if I cant bear it I'm going to have made things alot worse

So I dont know what to do. I try to live as though I'll he here tomorrow because If I dont I do try to kill myself.
But if I suddenly snap I'm leaving a huge mess behind me when I die..
So I do t know what to do. But I'm doing it with purpose.

These are Esmé's babies.
http://i66.tinypic.com/ztyx04.jpg
http://i66.tinypic.com/wnw3s.jpg
http://i67.tinypic.com/2q1uykg.jpg

This is them when they were just born
The smallest who didn't make it is so tiny. He was less then half the weight he should have been.
http://i68.tinypic.com/1hoqd.jpg
http://i63.tinypic.com/fvz8fk.jpg

Today I vaccinated all my adult cats.
http://i66.tinypic.com/16lmxiv.jpg

Her family named her Autumn.
http://i63.tinypic.com/16942uc.jpg
http://i63.tinypic.com/vr32nt.jpg
His family named him Gus.
http://i65.tinypic.com/ofc2dx.jpg
http://i65.tinypic.com/10s9pxi.jpg

This one I havent sold cause I'm considering keeping her. I'm calling her Dahlia for now. But I shouldnt because I'm wanting to die. So it would be bad to keep a cat only to kill myself
But when I agreed to sell her I cried. So I've decided to wait. I want to see how I feel closer to her time to go to a new home before I sell her
http://i67.tinypic.com/15ho46e.jpg
http://i66.tinypic.com/2dvlphe.jpg

I'm okay. I'm kinda plunging though. Suicidial or whatever but trying to stay focus on the cats. Its hard though

Anyway the babies just turned 4 weeks old today
Esme had her kittens but they were premature. Lost the smallest
They turned a week old on Saturday but just reached newborn weight on Monday. I'll show you pictures
How are you

hey Ash! how are you? we haven't talked in awhile. how's your kittens?

My medicine is a controlled substance so I can't go sooner for refills

*on your own (?) Ghhh hopefully you'll get what I mean! :)

Wow! Sounds pretty good to me to be able to do all those things! That's a huge step! Keep it up!

Uhg. I guess I didn't do the whisper thing right

It's weird. I used to struggle just to get up
And now I can tackle everything i do in a week in a day.
It's not like I have energy
I dont even have thoughts. I just am able to do it. Today I cleaned my moms kitchen
cleaned my own space. Was outside for 2 hours. Bathed all 4 (not the new one) of my cats which is a huge for me. Cause typically I'd only do one
And I've been neglecting there baths lately. I groomed them all.
I've been brushing my teeth. Often i dont even brush my hair. But I'm brushing my hair. Showering more.
I still think i might just take that gun and kill myself though. I'm just waiting for the right time. Part of me worries if I use the gun my step dad will blame himself for keeping it where I can get it.
So i might have to use my straight blade which is harder and more painful but at least then it's just my fault.

As for my birthday.

Oh hi Ash! Good to hear from you.
I don't think people, at least here, think of you as Mrs Drama. At least, I don't.
It must be hard for you to be on medication, but I think you realize it's for the better.
From my experience, this foggy brain thing and the absence of thoughts lasts for a while, as soon as you get used to the medication, your (hopefully good) thoughts and creativity must return. This could take anywhere from a few months, to much more. But it'll worth it.
I know this from my mother. She was much like you. That's why I like you! You remind me of her. You'd be surprised, but she lived a full life and her best years were the ones when she was taking her medication. The other times,well they were a pain in the arse but I still loved her! This is important to know. That people love you no matter what.
It makes me happy to know that you're capable of getting things done now! You must be proud! It's not an easy thing to do.
Happy to hear about your new cat! Hopefully you'll give her some really nice years! That's for sure one thing you're really good at. How did you name her?
When is your birthday?

I think what people dont realize cause they arnt used to me is when I do speak. I mean what I say and I'm in crisis

Seems they just brush it off as
Oh there she goes again. Mrs Drama. But it's not so.

Anyway. I'm on my medication.
It helps but also means I'm quiet
I cant think. I cant day dream. I cant fantasize. My brain is blank.
This makes me a better daughter.
I have been brushing my teeth
I have done the dishes and laundry everyday
I have vacummed everyday
I am going to bed around 9 or 10 and waking up at 6, 7 or 8 am
This morning I woke up at 5:30
I can go to work come home and still feel okay enough to go outside

I dont feel the need to talk
what is there to talk about when you have no thoughts?

Everyone loves the new quiet me. The hard worker me. Able to do things now

But I miss being creative and having thoughts
My thoughts were almost always dark. Dark fantasies about death and such but I miss it

It's so strange to literally not have these racing thoughts
I have none.
Mom saysit's better. That my brain is resting.

But I'm tempted to go off the meds and see my thoughts and creativity and passion for things comes back.

A few months ago when i joined my mental health was so bad I was seeing and hearing things. I was really deteriorated.
I wish people would take me serious.
But right now im okay.

I still plan to kill myself. But because I cant think I feel delayed.
I have a plan already but typically i plan and think everyday. Perfecting it

I'm unable think. So. That makes it harder. But when the time is right i will know and act on it.

But I'm doing fine I suppose.

I'm a bit busy.Now that i can function I've been working more. Something i typically cant handle. And I just got a new cat. Shes old. 11 years old. Persians live 12-17 years. With her history I dont imagine shell live on the higher end of that spectrum. I am also fostering a womens cat for 4 months.
So I've been focusing on my animals. Cats. Pup. Soon I'll be working with the horse.

My birthday is coming up. That may send me spiraling out of control

How are you

Hey Ash! How are you? You seem silent these days. Is everything ok?

I'm fine. Just busy.
I was thinking about you the last 2 days. Wanted to find some time to log in to see if you're fine with the thing you said the other day about the drugs, but I was too busy. Glad you're doing ok.

It is what it is

I'm okay
Hope your well

Hi Ash! Sorry for my absence. How are you feeling today?
I think someone owes you an apology. I bet they didn't do it on purpose, they probably tried to cheer you up by throwing a virtual party, but still, they should have thought it wasn't appropriate.

I feel like everyone is making fun of my post which makes me sad and want to be more quiet and not done here anymore

I know it's just me. My feelings are probably just wrong again.
But if tbaga how I feel I feel I should leave

I know I'm at even more risk If I do them cause of my family history and my mental health

I'm gonna talk to will about it

Odds are I'm more likely to not because it's not just drugs he wants. And I cant handle what be wants

Hello Ash! I'm sorry, I was reading Yeti's response to me and I read your response to Yeti. Please, please, please don't do drugs. Especially cocaine and extasy. You're far too fragile for that. Those drugs could mess up with healthy minds, imagine what it could do to you. You'll only make things worse for you and people around you. Please promise me you won't do that to yourself. I'm worried about you.

Well, you're a mother! So you do much!
You should make a list of the things you'd like to try, and try to find the most comfortable way to achieve them.

I mostly care for the cats.
I listen to music, watch documentaries,
I dont do much
Mostly cats.
I play games too
But usually I do 2 or 3 things at once
Watch a documentary while grooming cats

I clean too.
There's things id like to do but am too afraid

Well, I do many things in my free time. I exercise (spinning and yoga), read a lot, I'm in a theatrical team, also like to go to the theater and when I don't want to do anything, I just watch youtube videos and then research on google.
What do you do with your free time?

What kinds of things do you do if you dont have video games?

Hahah! Don't worry about it, I make such mistakes all the time! As long as it makes sense to me, doesn't matter whether you repeat yourself or make grammatic/syntactic errors.
Yes, indeed you seem like a really nice person. Thoughtful and a listener. Don't be afraid to talk or ask me anything though.
Well, I was in my late twenties when pokemon became a thing here so I guess I was a bit old for that. I'm also not used to video games. Don't know why, other kids my age are addicted to video games. I've only played like 2-3 games. Guess I was raised differently.

Didnt mean to repeat myself I was trying to rephrase it and I thought I fixed it

Will says I'm very intuitive

Thank you. I'm very good and thinking and understanding.
Will says so. He says I'm intuitive.

I like pokemon. I prefer the video games though.

Well, I never watched pokemon anyway!
I thought you were younger than me but not that young. I guess some situations help you mature.

I prefer Ash but most people prefer to call me Ashley as Ash reminds them of pokemon or a guy and they just dont like it.
I prefer Ash because only the people I felt closest too called me that and now those people are gone.

I'm 18

I'm ok I guess! Sorry it took me this long to respond, I'm trying to avoid Internet because it's addictive! I don't want to spend more than half an hour per day on the Internet and last week I overdid it! I might need rehab! Hey, if you don't mind me asking, how old are you? I'm 30. And do you prefer being called Ash or Ashley?

I'm okay. How are you

Hey Ashley! Thanks for the friend request! How are you today?

9kay then I might bug you alot cause I'm pretty lonely 😁

You're never annoying! You're always thinking of other people before yourself, trying not to bother them. You're unique. And a good person. It will make me happy if you ever need my advice or just feel like talking. Good night Ashley!

Oh I just dont want to bother people

I worry nobody wants to talk to me and even when they are friendly towards me I'm just imposing
I want people to enjoy my company not just get through it to be polite

It does feel good to get proof you were right. Its validation.
That doctor should give his license back

Ikr? It was so weird that I couldn't even get angry! Oh, and when I got him the MRI results, it felt good!
Thank you for listening me Ashley. You and Yeti made me feel better. Oh! And you don't need to wait until there's something wrong with me to give me a shout. You can talk to me anytime.

Oh wow. That would really piss me off.
Glad you got it temporarily figured it

Nothing angers someone more then when you have a real problem and someone tells you it's all in your head!
My mom told me my prescriptions are water pills and dont actually do anything but I believe they do so they work

Angry
Makes you wanna give up

Well, I visited many doctors. One said it's allergies, the other said it's sinusitis and the third, when I told him that it's been 6 months, he said it could be psychological. So I did an MRI, which showed a big sinus infection behind the cheek and a small cyst. The doctor said I should do a CT because he couldn't see the cyst very well, and that there's a chance I'd need a surgery, I didn't trust him because he was the one who said it was psychological, didn't want to do a CT without a good reason and I went to the hospital to take a second opinion. The doctor there just gave me a spray and sent me home. I've contacted with the other doctor today and he told me that I should at least take antibiotics. Meanwhile, I'm having tinnitus some days now and it's really annoying.. anyway, I don't want to bother you with my "problems"! These aren't real problems anyway! I'm just sick of being sick!

Are there different doctors you can try?
And I'm okay