🙂

What are you talking about

Glad to see you still care, cause I do.

Damn. Was afraid that might happen.

http://i66.tinypic.com/2wpj9sz.jpg

It says that its disabled

Thought you would like to see this.
https://www.facebook.com/100011807076524/posts/...

What

I meant Charlie not Wendy. Thank you!

Girl number one is charlie

Yeah I make mistakes like on the hour. I dont feel hurt by you. And whatever hurt I felt I got over quickly.
The problem I have is that I don't WANT to be hurt. I dont want to get attached to you and then be hurt.

See we didnt talk to long before all this.
Had we actually become close friends like me and Richard I would of been depressed for months over it (speaking from experience)
And now that I'm comfortable with death. Might of done that.
Not that my death is anyone's fault. 110% my own.
I just do stuff I shouldn't do.

I'll name one Charlie
Even if there isnt a boy girls can be named that too.
I'll show you when they are born if I'm still around.

As for Richard. He cant be with me physically but I'm allowed to wake him up at any time
I dont. But I have a few times before
Sometimes he is Busy of course.
Sometimes I'm impatiently paitent.
Nobody can be with someone 24/7
Not even people who live in the same house.
My behavior is my own responsibility. The only person with me 24/7 is me.

Can I ask a favor? Name one of the male kittens Charlie. That was the name of my favorite pet that I recently lost to cancer. He was an American Eskimo and lived with me for 15 and a half years. Thank you.

I am glad you have a good friend and cats. You are still a friend to me Nevermind. Richard can't be there 100% of the time. Neither can I. And also now know because of your disdain for me that you probably won't listen to anything I have to say. I get that.

And again I say, I am truly sorry about that. I could give excuse after excuse and it still would not matter. Because you feel deeply hurt. Please believe me when I say that was never my intention. I'm human. I make mistakes. Boy, do I make them! Having you be a part of my life is not a mistake. Thinking I was some superhero or diety that could save you was. I wish I could have cats. Unfortunately I am allergic to them. And I have 3 dogs that would want to play with it 24/7.

Also. My cats do wonders for my mental health.
If people were like cats I'd be awesome.
They are one of the main things that keeps me here most days
Them and Richard.
I know you think it's not possible but it is. Richard kept me from suicide for 4 years.
Just his friendship did that
Wasnt till recent I finally crossed the line.
Even though I've crossed the line you know how many days I dont?
No one gives credit to all the times Richard as convinced me not to.
Dont get me wrong. Im not looking for someone to talk me down from the ledge.
The only reason Richard can is because I know he is my true genuine friend. I believe his word more so than any other human.
Takes alot to get that kind of relationship established

Also. I have extreme urges to kill myself
Not with pills this time.
I want to so badly
Right now I really want to. I really really want to
But you know why I havent.
1 reason.
My cat is pregnant
I wanna be here for the babies
If I'm not they want be properly cared for.
But even though is the most exciting happy thing to happen to me. I still so badly want to die.
It takes alot just to decide to go one more day. Even though you think you can do no more then my cats that's not so far. My cats bring me genuine joy. and my friend gives me soemthing I've always needed I'm a human. Not living around him just makes me feel safer.
I dont need you to carry some of my weight. I'll carry it myself
But my cats and friend do help more than you understand
Richard is awesome and my cats are blessings

I took some time to ponder how I wanted to respond.
You are right to leave. Self preservation.
I'm not good to be in peoples lives.
I'm lucky enough that one person has stuck it out. I dont need more than one. But I do need one.
I felt insecure wondering if he cant love me
Cause nobody can right?
Part of me thinks "good"
The other part of me doesnt like that because I'm rather codependent. Dont wanna think my favorite person doesnt like me.
It's not creepy to love a boy. Not all love is boyfriend girlfriend love. I just love him. The same way you love a family member
But maybe not so much my family members not still

He says he does. But I think your probably right

He unlike you probably just feels obligated to stay. Probably cause God told him too.
Who knows. But even if he doesnt love me I still am happy hes around.

But. I do wanna say this. You learned you cant be in my life. That's okay.
I'm toxic to your health.
But I dont believe in part time friendship
Your either there or your not.
I dont want friendship only when its ideal for you.
After you stopped being my friend you messaged me telling me I could talk to you. and when I actually did you ignored me. Dont say things like that to me if you dont mean it. Dont promise me something and dont keep it.
It's more damaging for me to have people in and out of my life then have people just leave.

I respect that you cant be my friend because of me
But you cant just have it your way.
You message me when it works for you but I csnt message you.

So. Then i dont know how to say it politely but I really mean no disrespect. If what's best for you is not being my friend and I'm willing to do that just dont message me at all. Because in and out doesnt work for me.
We may not even be close but when you straight up ignore me after giving me permission to message you. It makes me not well emotionally for a few days.

I get the wrong idea that we are actually friends and you leave. It makes me not awesome feeling. I like stability. I like simple things like knowing mom paid the rent and that I bought enough pet food to not have to worry about running out and that the people in my life stay.
It's just not good to have people in and out

Richard has never left me. Beem my friend for almost 5 years.
And what happened between us makes me question my relationship with him
That's not your fault or his. But it gives me doubts and I start applying what happened to us as what is true with everyone else

It wasn't you, it was me. I was allowing myself to get too close. Way too close. It was very painful to see you hurting so much. I wanted to do everything in my power to save you. To give you a chance to be loved so well and so much you would instantly morph into a beautiful child butterfly. I was seeing myself as your sole (and soul) savior. Me. Just a human being that lived about as far away from you as anybody could; Florida. So it was me that left the friendship. I'm know more a savior than your cats. And I can't love you. I deeply care about you but I'm really really praying that you get enough help that you start to deeply care about yourself. No one can do that for you. There are hundreds of people that are praying you succeed. You. You matter to us. More to many than you will ever know.

I didn't mean to come off so rude and harsh
Im sorry
I'm just pariniod and defensive
Not looking to become that person again

I'm just mad cause I feel like you came in my life then bam gone
Then you said if I needed to talk I could message you and you never replied
Makes me think you didnt mean what you said and I get it
People get busy and they fit there own lifes
But it just felt like.
I didnt have a friend in you

Qnd I get why.
It's probably me.
I just dont twlk to people or often let them in.
I understand if for your well being you cant be my friend
I'm toxic. I'm draining

It's just I felt like
I never know if you were my friend or my enemy.
Like. Maybe you dont believe I'm telling the truth
Or maybe you just think im bad
I dont know.
I'm mad at alot of people

In sick of the judgments.
It was my mistake for opening up at all
See once I do sometimes I'm like flood gates.
But once in closed I tend to be good at being quiet
I'm back to being quiet
Works better for everyone

Live and learn.

I am truly sorry for whatever I did. My intention was never to hurt you. Never.

Yeah

Hey there. You mad at me?

Maybe the video?

Since that video I gave myself a total of 22 stitches in quiet proud of.

Soco said you knew i was safe a day and 5 hours after I did what I did.

How? Cause i dont recall telling my sister till Sunday and not convinced my mom said something

I'm here if you feel like talking.

Getting along. Making plans for a short trip out of town.

Are you feeling any better? I lost an animal too. K wasnt expecting it to hurt as bad as it did. If it wasnt fir mu other alive animals I don't know how I would have been

I just hope your okay.

Thanks. Me too.

Glad to hear your doing better.

Morning. Having a better day today. Hoping to get more accomplished today and then take a nap.

I'm here. Just having a not so great day is all. How are you doing?

Hi soco

So no, not very busy at all.

Okay

My occupation is as a private contactor. I work when I feel like it.

Just busy?

No. No. It has nothing to do with that.

They were tells us of we stay in our rooms and dont come out like for groups and socialize
If you isolate yourself even healthy people will get illnesses
And if you get in the habit it can mean someone isnt doing well

Some people do well isolated
Like I do.
But alot of people especially healthy mind people will get depressed and stuff.
And you've been not online not posting not commenting on new posts
And i just kinda worried that meant you were isolating yourself

I thought it was that or you didnt come here cause I'm here

Wonder why?

In the hospital they told us that

If you isolate yourself you can get illnesses

Thank you.

Oh good. I just was worried

No. Not really. Getting rest and relaxing most of the time.

Are you lonely?

Alone.

How you spending your day

I know I could, but I don't. He is sometimes laughable.

He probably does.
I dont even watch trump on TV
I'd change the channel

Does he have a flag too? It is not your job to fly a flag that pleases him. He can fly his own.