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savanna.017
last online: 04/18, 15:18
Verified User (6 years, 8 months)
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limbo is ending..

Limbo is ending
Ending? Changing?
How terrifying
That I will have to be alive

Because its easier to hate the world
When you've reached the inevitable breakdown
All the rubble crumbles and
Well whats left is nothing
No will to rebuild
And no desire to endure suffering

How to even try to care again?
How to scream or feel?
In the end I'm still stuck with myself
And I.. don't believe in much of anything

I can't even make this into a poem. I just am so completely lost. I've moved before but only when things got so bad that it was clearly time to move on. And they're bad again. I am taking business classes so that I can sell my art and not work somewhere I hate. It was a group project to write a marketing plan. group dropped out and I wrote the essay alone.. happily and with solid information. But to actually implement it.. to actually make a profitable business out of the one thing the world really doesn't care about.. well it seems like its just fun what-if musings.

First I have to fix my entire life starting at the foundation. A life that I once again gave up on. With a family I gave up on. and just hope that I can care enough to fix my messed up head. But I can't stop seeing how everything goes so wrong. I watch possibilities fall apart in my hands constantly, and I think its because I just watch it happen. But I never saw anything as other than temporary.

How do you go from numb back to caring?
Slowly, painfully. One step every day until you stop counting the steps..
Every time I crash I have to start all over again.. with these steps
And try desperately not to create those moments that sabotage the structural integrity of wherever the place is.. But I do. I always will. It's just my nature to be chaotic to combat the suicidal.

My boyfriend is moving with me. He is so kind and fragile with his big heart. And I don't want to disappoint him by having the inability to move forward or care about a situation. I'll have to find a job and reconnect with the world rather than hiding in my own little isolated world. I move in less than a month.

And the thought of caring again is terrifying.. but I do want to hope and dream my what ifs. And the possibility is there.. for now.
And thats my tired rant.

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Since writing this post savanna.017 may have helped people, but has not within the last four (4) days.
Post Tags (5)
time, care, steps, terrifying, caring
Replies (3)
Helpbot
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savanna.017 edited this post .

limbo is ending..¬ ¬ Limbo is ending¬ Ending? Changing?¬ How terrifying ¬ That I will have to be alive ¬ ¬ Because its easier to hate the world ¬ When you've reached the inevitable breakdown¬ All the rubble crumbles and ¬ Well whats left is nothing¬ No will to rebuild ¬ And no desire to endure suffering¬ ¬ How to even try to care again?¬ How to scream or feel? ¬ In the end I'm still stuck with myself ¬ And I.. don't believe in much of anything ¬ ¬ I can't even make this into a poem. I just am so completely lost. I've moved before but only when things got so bad that it was clearly time to move on. And they're bad again. I am taking business classes so that I can sell my art and not work somewhere I hate. It was a group project to write a marketing plan. group dropped out and I wrote the essay alone.. happily and with solid information. But to actually implement it.. to actually make a profitable business out of the one thing the world really doesn't care about.. well it seems like its just fun what-if musings. ¬ ¬ First I have to fix my entire life starting at the foundation. A life that I once again gave up on. With a family I gave up on. and just hope that I can care enough to fix my messed up head. But I can't stop seeing how everything goes so wrong. I watch possibilities fall apart in my hands constantly, and I think its because I just watch it happen. ¬ ¬ How do you go from numb back to caring?¬ Slowly, painfully. One step every day until you stop counting the steps.. ¬ Every time I crash I have to start all over again.. with these steps ¬ And try desperately not to create those moments that sabotage the structural integrity of wherever the place is.. But I do. I always will. It's just my nature to be chaotic to combat the suicidal. ¬ ¬ And the thought of caring again is terrifying.¬ .. but I do want to hope and dream my what ifs. Well I move in less than a month. ¬ And thats my tired rant.

savanna.017 edited this post .

limbo is ending..¬ ¬ Limbo is ending¬ Ending? Changing?¬ How terrifying ¬ That I will have to be alive ¬ ¬ Because its easier to hate the world ¬ When you've reached the inevitable breakdown¬ All the rubble crumbles and ¬ Well whats left is nothing¬ No will to rebuild ¬ And no desire to endure suffering¬ ¬ How to even try to care again?¬ How to scream or feel? ¬ In the end I'm still stuck with myself ¬ And I.. don't believe in much of anything ¬ ¬ I can't even make this into a poem. I just am so completely lost. I've moved before but only when things got so bad that it was clearly time to move on. And they're bad again. I am taking business classes so that I can sell my art and not work somewhere I hate. It was a group project to write a marketing plan. group dropped out and I wrote the essay alone.. happily and with solid information. But to actually implement it.. to actually make a profitable business out of the one thing the world really doesn't care about.. well it seems like its just fun what-if musings. ¬ ¬ First I have to fix my entire life starting at the foundation. A life that I once again gave up on. With a family I gave up on. and just hope that I can care enough to fix my messed up head. But I can't stop seeing how everything goes so wrong. I watch possibilities fall apart in my hands constantly, and I think its because I just watch it happen. But I never saw anything as other than temporary. ¬ ¬ How do you go from numb back to caring?¬ Slowly, painfully. One step every day until you stop counting the steps.. ¬ Every time I crash I have to start all over again.. with these steps ¬ And try desperately not to create those moments that sabotage the structural integrity of wherever the place is.. But I do. I always will. It's just my nature to be chaotic to combat the suicidal. ¬ ¬ My boyfriend is moving with me. He is so kind and fragile with his big heart. And I don't want to disappoint him by having the inability to move forward or care about a situation. I'll have to find a job and reconnect with the world rather than hiding in my own little isolated world. I move in less than a month. ¬ ¬ And the thought of caring again is terrifying.. but I do want to hope and dream my what ifs. Well I move in less than a month. ¬ And the possibility is there.. for now. ¬ And thats my tired rant.

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Yorick
Yorick
last online: 02/28, 23:53
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(5 days after post)
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if you're planning to sell art.. hook up with an art dealer. im a bit of an artist myself, but the passion was sorta lost when i started working/adulting.

A
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