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Which would you choose?

written () ago

I live with my boyfriend renting a house from his parents. I left my job so there have been stress.. I left my job to sell art. He said we were partners in a literal business that we started.. but he consistently *****fucks me over. It is never on purpose. He has a job and college too. But he *****fucks up my art production by breaking promises. I've realized that without his help I can't run my business with the proficiency I needed. I've given up on it. My college classes have had a lot of social...

I am breaking all of my ties

written () ago

There is a cycle that is my depression, my truest, lowest moment.. and I am in it. First is restlessness. To fix it I push for change. I embrace it. I try so hard to make it work because I'm worried of what happens next. I care. I will do anything, work harder than anything, because this is a passion. But it is a delusion.. and there is always a wall. Always that wall that I cannot overcome. And I pound and I scream and I try.. and my fists just end up bloody. Then is sit in a pool of my own...

A broken poem

written () ago

I have this darkness in me

How do you pick a person?

written () ago

I'm torn and I could only think to come here. I started a new job and work overnights at a gas station. While I was training I met this interesting person. The way he talks and acts, I feel we are kindred spirits. He's a cynic and very closed off.. but those moments I see him I so dearly want to know him. And I'm afraid of that.

This life

written () ago

Am I inside a dream?

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Colours make Promises


- written
Just let me ramble.

I have a friend who plans trips months in advance and schedules all the time she will use to fill them. She freaks out after a trip is over if she does not have another one left. She says if she doesn't she doesn't know if she will be alive long enough to get there. Her coping strategy is that.. if she can work towards a point in the future.. she won't get stuck in limbo. Time won't really stop.. ther will always be a reason to wake up the next day.

She told me when she was suicidal that she didn't do it because there were people she loved and if she wan't there for them how sad would they be? You can do the same with animals. They depend on you. Without you their life changes. They don't have you there to take care of them... Emotionally.. they are taking care of you.
Once I tried to kill myself by cutting off all ventilation in a closet and just fading.. and my dear Savanna would not stop howling. When I was almost passed out she managed to get the door open. Nobody was there so I didn't think to lock it.

Heres the thing though. Animals depart. People depart. Life changes. The constant is you. Find happiness first within yourself or it will always be dependant on outside factors.

"It's like to die you just fully commit and to live you must fully commit. And I do neither." Yeah. You have to choose. I think it is easier when you cultivate yourself a life worth suffering for. I think if you wan to die, it is your choice.. but you don't want to die.. you want to figure out how to live.

I used to write poems every night about death. I used to go to school thinking about death. I didn't understand depression. I fixated on a belief of suicidal idealization. I self-harmed because it was something that I could control and a way to be self-destructive. it.. was better in a way. I could cross any line because I didn't care about the consequences. I was going to die anyway. I could just give up because I was going to die anyways. I could embrace feeling so terrible.. it was normal to me, soothing almost.

In psychology class I discovered something called learned helplessness. Researchers did a study on a dog. They tied him down and electrocuted him. Again and again, until it was normal. They then put the dog in a room. On side was electrocution, the other was safe. That dog would just stand there and accept being electrocuted, while other ones had the sense to run away. The dog just accepted this helplessness, even when there was an alternative. The same can be applied to people..
Think of it as an addiction. Or think of it as a hole you are digging. You;ve dug so deep you now realize the sunlight doesn't come through and you want to be back on the surface.. but that climb now looks impossible. You try.. maybe get halfway out of the hole.. before you fall again. Maybe it would just be easier to keep digging.
Maybe the masochism.. the razors.. give you a sense of control. When you cut they release endorphins, a temporary release. Or being self destructive is that step towards the inevitable suicide attempt. I don't know. To each their own. Perhaps there are healthier outlets. I used to paint colorful lines on my arm whenever I felt like cutting. Eventually that became the learned habit.. then I stopped altogether. Have you tried different coping mechanisms?

Another thing is the ties you make to life. They are easy to sever when you have few. More difficult when there's many. Honestly I think the best way to learn how to fully embrace life is to learn how to make these connections. You have some with your animals. Getting another horse would be another connection. With it you will have a partner and possibly go on grand adventures. Those threads will multiply. You never know where you will find a significant one. That friend I mentioned, I met her by volunteering at the SPCA. She became one of my most helpful coping mechanisms. I would ramble.. to another person.. and I would have their perspective too. When we were sad we would go on adventures and see a depth to life I couldn't before. When you are suicidal.. or depressed.. your vision is very limited. Tunnel vision.. and thats all you see. Friendship is very important. Animals are wonderful.. the fact that they don't really feel such mental suffering and have capacity to understand it other than to love.. but a person can match your thoughts. People have the ability to change your perception.

I'm laying in bed right now because I feel suicidal. It's always there.. even on good days there's just the smallest hint of it. But you can learn how to cope. Find reasons to love life. Aspire to find the best version of yourself.
When it came down to my decision.. with a rope around my neck.. I had a thought. I thought, what if I just strived to life life to the fullest. If I do that, if I live and have done all that I can do with my time.. in the end if I decide that it is time to give up I know what I will be giving up.
They say the sin of suicide is not that you will be taking your own life. It is that you will be taking away possibilities for those your life would have touched. All of the stories that you were going to write.. just gone.

I am suicidal, but I have decided to make that choice to fully live life. I've met incredible people, learned so much, and had many moments of happiness. So far it is worth the suffering.. but I had to create that. You can destroy everything.. every single tie you have to this world and sit alone in the dark.. you can do it for years.. but instead I stepped forward. I educated myself aout depression, spent a portion of my life helping others. I became an artist, top of my class, found an art guild learned all about clay, bought a potters wheel, opened a little business. Find your passion, give it your all, see where it takes you. Life is very vast and if you give up on it now you will never know what could have been.

Make your ties and love wholeheartedly.. the animals, the people in your life, yourself. Eventually you will cultivate a life worth living..

These are just my ramblings. I hope you will get some meaning out something. And I wish you the best in your journey.

- written
How do you pick a person?

The issue is i will no longer be seeingng him at work regularly,so I wonder how to start a friendship outside of the oppressiveness of a gas station

- written
Suicidal or not...

You must build a life worth suffering for.. And those happy moments will be worth it. It is easier to be a demolitionist. Sometimes you do have to destroy everything to rebuild.. but you can always rebuild, so long as you are alive.

- written
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