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Nevermind
last online: 02/20, 6:06
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Just let me ramble.


I havent had anyone to talk to today. Usually it's okay but I guess today I want to say things. This will probably just be a series of random topics I get distracted with but I guess that's what I need to do.

One of the constant struggles I have is not knowing what to do. I mean everyone does at points,but everyday multiple times a day I battle the same thoughts.
The problem is most my thoughts are connected to suicide.

Should I work out? Nah what's the point your gonna die soon.

Should rehome my pets? Yes but I can't I love them.

I'm going to take pretty photos of my cats just so I have them for myself.
http://i66.tinypic.com/11aa8h1.jpg
Then upon seeing them. Man my cats would find homes so quickly if I used these photos.
Should I rehome them?
My aunt only has one pet and she is far more put together, am I wrong for having multiple?

If I rehome them I wont be able to get them back.
If I rehome them people will know I'm going to kill myself.

And then when shopping.
How much food should I buy for my pets? What's the largest bag? 18 pounds?
I'll take 3. One week later, I bought a 16 pound bag. How much litter? 160 pounds.
I'll be good for at least 4 months. Probably more like 6. Maybe more.
How much food for myself is in the fridge? Nothing. A few bottles of water.

Even when packing for the vacation, do I have a razor blade? In my wallet? What if I loose it? Okay I have a couple.
http://i68.tinypic.com/a31qiq.jpg
Even on the vacation I mostly stayed in my cabin. People think I'm just depressed or mean. A bummer. But I'm just me.
I am repetitive everyday.
Its like I'm in limbo because I'm neither dying nor living. It's like to die you just fully commit and to live you must fully commit. And I do neither.
I always lean more towards death but at the same time I'm trying to live. It's hard to truly live when you think even if your not dying now you will be soon.
People think it's a choice but I wish it was that easy for me.
I do these little things all the time thinking ahead. Thinking of death, while trying to live too.

I'm doing okay. I've just spent the whole day without any sort of conversation and I guess I'm not the best company.
Talking to myself is like talking to a demon.

My horse being dead is surprisingly lonely. I wasnt particularly close to the horse after what my mom did. But she required so much work to not have that work feels empty.
My step dad wanted me to get another. I found a few good ones but I'm afraid to get one because with her gone it feels better. Not better in the way that is good but better to the sick part of me that is fixated on dying.

My cats are purebreds. Up to date on shots, microchipped, all have the best personalities you can ask for, no behavioral problems. I'm not worried that they won't find homes.
Part of me feels that I want to feel more empty. I want to feel another big emptiness, I want to feel it's okay, I want to feel there is nothing for me here, that I have less work. But for bad reasons.

At the same time, if I have to live because let's face it, 4 suicide attempts in a year I should be embarressed to bother trying again. More afraid to try and fail than try and succeed. I feel I've put people through too much this year and I need a cooling off period.
I fear the only reason I have this desire to live a while longer while knowing I'm gonna die is because I'm just offering a break from the trouble I've caused rather than a desire for any kind of life.

To be alive I want to be busy, and my cats honestly are often my only company. They make it bearable.
My life isnt bad. I dont have a good reason to die as far as my current life. I wish people wouldnt try to say it's a temporary thing when for me its chronic and it's not situational. It's all the time. I just need to learn to manage and live with it. For now I'm trying to find mental stability and maybe a stronger reaosn to live before I decide it's okay to die again.

My medication is supposed to help with the thoughts.
I'm hoping to get on it regularly. With the kittens, the trip, the chores, the job, I havent been able to take it regularly.
It's not easy to get back on the medication I take. The 2 evening pills I take can make it difficult to get up, I can easily sleep 16 hours at first.
My morning pill makes me nauseous, makes it hard to eat, makes my eyes very sensitive to the light, and it makes me very weak and tired.

I just lay on the couch through the symtoms bundled up waiting.
http://i68.tinypic.com/jjqjrr.jpg
It takes about 2 weeks of taking the medication daily for me to feel back to normal. Each day the symptoms are less and eventually I feel as though I'm not taking anything. No reaction.
But with everything in my life lately I havent had 2 weeks to be out of it.

I decided to keep Dahlia a kitten. She is a rare color with the most perfect flat face and little ears. Her coat is super fluffy and thick.
I havent seen any kittens or cats for sale as good as her in all tbe time I've been looking. I loved her since she was born.
http://i64.tinypic.com/qoeecp.jpg
I tried to be talked out of keeping her while wanting her at the same time.
I asked my best friend if I should keep her alot of times. Partly wanting to hear yes but wanting to be convinced No.
He told me I should because I fell in love with her the second she was born.
Everyday though I battle with should I keep her or not. She is very valuable. That's not why I want to sell her. I am so afraid I'll keep her and then decide to die. Leaving another animal. It's wrong.
She just turned 13 weeks.
This photo is a few weeks older than her. I havent taken a good, recent one in a while.
http://i68.tinypic.com/165dzb
I have already gotten her her first and second shots and her microchip. But I do that for all the kittens born here.

I dont really feel like saying anything else. I know thos isnt the proper way to wrap up a post but it's how I'm gonna.
Bye.

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Since writing this post Nevermind may have helped people, but has not within the last four (4) days.
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Nevermind edited this post .

Just let me ramble.¬ I havent had anyone to talk to today. Usually it's okay but I guess today I want to say things. This will probably just be a series of random topics I get distracted with but I guess that's what I need to do.¬ ¬ One of the constant struggles I have is not knowing what to do. I mean everyone does at points,but everyday multiple times a day I battle the same thoughts.¬ The problem is most my thoughts are connected to suicide.¬ ¬ Should I work out? Nah what's the point your gonna die soon.¬ ¬ Should rehome my pets? Yes but I can't I love them.¬ ¬ I'm going to take pretty photos of my cats just so I have them for myself.¬ http://i66.tinypic.com/11aa8h1.jpg¬ Then upon seeing them. Man my cats would find homes so quickly if I used these photos.¬ Should I rehome them?¬ My aunt only has one pet and she is far more put together, am I wrong for having multiple?¬ ¬ If I rehome them I wont be able to get them back. ¬ If I rehome them people will know I'm going to kill myself. ¬ ¬ And then when shopping.¬ How much food should I buy for my pets? What's the largest bag? 18 pounds?¬ I'll take 3. One week later, I bought a 16 pound bag. How much litter? 160 pounds.¬ I'll be good for at least 4 months. Probably more like 6. Maybe more.¬ How much food for myself is in the fridge? Nothing. A few bottles of water.¬ ¬ Even when packing for the vacation, do I have a razor blade? In my wallet? What if I loose it? Okay I have a couple.¬ http://i68.tinypic.com/a31qiq.jpg¬ Even on the vacation I mostly stayed in my cabin. People think I'm just depressed or mean. A bummer. But I'm just me.¬ I am repetitive everyday.¬ Its like I'm in limbo because I'm neither dying nor living. It's like to die you just fully commit and to live you must fully commit. And I do neither.¬ I always lean more towards death but at the same time I'm trying to live. It's hard to truly live when you think even if your not dying now you will be soon.¬ People think it's a choice but I wish it was that easy for me. ¬ I do these little things all the time thinking ahead. Thinking of death, while trying to live too.¬ ¬ I'm doing okay. I've just spent the whole day without any sort of conversation and I guess I'm not the best company.¬ Talking to myself is like talking to a demon.¬ ¬ My horse being dead is surprisingly lonely. I wasnt particularly close to the horse after what my mom did. But she required so much work to not have that work feels empty.¬ My step dad wanted me to get another. I found a few good ones but I'm afraid to get one because with her gone it feels better. Not better in the way that is good but better to the sick part of me that is fixated on dying.¬ ¬ My cats are purebreds. Up to date on shots, microchipped, all have the best personalities you can ask for, no behavioral problems. I'm not worried that they won't find homes.¬ Part of me feels that I want to feel more empty. I want to feel another big emptiness, I want to feel it's okay, I want to feel there is nothing for me here, that I have less work. But for bad reasons.¬ ¬ At the same time, if I have to live because let's face it, 4 suicide attempts in a year I should be embarressed to bother trying again. More afraid to try and fail than try and succeed. I feel I've put people through too much this year and I need a cooling off period. ¬ I fear the only reason I have this desire to live a while longer while knowing I'm gonna die is because I'm just offering a break from the trouble I've caused rather than a desire for any kind of life.¬ ¬ To be alive I want to be busy, and my cats honestly are often my only company. They make it bearable.¬ My life isnt bad. I dont have a good reason to die as far as my current life. I wish people wouldnt try to say it's a temporary thing when for me its chronic and it's not situational. It's all the time. I just need to learn to manage and live with it. For now I'm trying to find mental stability and maybe a stronger reaosn to live before I decide it's okay to die again.¬ ¬ My medication is supposed to help with the thoughts. ¬ I'm hoping to get on it regularly. With the kittens, the trip, the chores, the job, I havent been able to take it regularly.¬ It's not easy to get back on the medication I take. The 2 evening pills I take can make it difficult to get up, I can easily sleep 16 hours at first.¬ My morning pill makes me nauseous, makes it hard to eat, makes my eyes very sensitive to the light, and it makes me very weak and tired.¬ ¬ I just lay on the couch through the symtoms bundled up waiting.¬ http://i68.tinypic.com/jjqjrr.jpg¬ It takes about 2 weeks of taking the medication daily for me to feel back to normal. Each day the symptoms are less and eventually I feel as though I'm not taking anything. No reaction.¬ But with everything in my life lately I havent had 2 weeks to be out of it.¬ ¬ I decided to keep Dahlia a kitten. She is a rare color with the most perfect flat face and little ears. Her coat is super fluffy and thick.¬ I havent seen any kittens or cats for sale as good as her in all tbe time I've been looking. I loved her since she was born.¬ http://i64.tinypic.com/qoeecp.jpg¬ I tried to be talked out of keeping her while wanting her at the same time.¬ I asked my best friend if I should keep her alot of times. Partly wanting to hear yes but wanting to be convinced No.¬ He told me I should because I fell in love with her the second she was born.¬ Everyday though I battle with should I keep her or not. She is very valuable. That's not why I want to sell her. I am so afraid I'll keep her and then decide to die. Leaving another animal. It's wrong.¬ She just turned 13 weeks.¬ This photo is a few weeks older than her. I havent taken a good, recent one in a while.¬ http://i68.tinypic.com/165dzb¬ I have already gotten her her first and second shots and her microchip. But I do that for all the kittens born here.¬ ¬ I dont really feel like saying anything else. I know thos isnt the proper way to wrap up a post but it's how I'm gonna.¬ I have already gotten her her first and second shots and her microchip. But I do that for all the kittens born here.¬ ¬ I dont really feel like saying anything else. I know thos isnt the proper way to wrap up a post but it's how I'm gonna.¬ Bye.

Happy earth
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last online: 11/26, 18:47
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Your kittens are gorgeous.

It's ok to mourn the loss of your horse and at the same time feel relieved, and it's ok to feel guilty about feeling these conflicting emotions - everyone does.

You need that two weeks to get your meds stabilized. Do whatever it takes to get that time. And ramble as much as you need, always.

43ca60d0 2fa2 42fe b234 d2ff6891f6dc
music=life
last online: 03/02, 13:45
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Baby steps.
1. You’re cats are beautiful and I have experience at animal shelter and if you wanted to give them up they will be adopted in a second
2. You love your cats and you shouldn’t give up something you love bc you are scared
3. Take your medication- starts slow (maybe do it every other day and build up from there) my meds made me nauseous for 2 weeks until I learned I need to eat before I take them- talk to your doctor. As for the one that makes you sleep ask for a lower dose
4. Don’t think about what will happen if you die. That fear will stop you from doing things that make life better.
And know we are all hear for you ❤️

4be8c2d8 78e3 4f52 8977 21b6cc47a3ee
Araz
last online: 12/14, 0:56
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It took me so much time for my meds to start working when I was on them. I think at least a month, everyone is different. My thought process was a lot like yours - Rambling to some, cohesive thought patterns and links to me.

Ramble away 😊 As long as I get to see the rambles, I’m happy.

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Nevermind
last online: 02/20, 6:06
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Araz wrote:
It took me so much time for my meds to start working when I was on them. I think at least a month, everyone is different. My thought process was a lot like yours - Rambling to some, cohesive thought patterns and links to me.

Ramble away 😊 As long as I get to see the rambles, I’m happy.

Thank you 🙂

55632833 846413235699827 5993681566566449152 n
savanna.017
last online: 04/18, 15:18
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I have a friend who plans trips months in advance and schedules all the time she will use to fill them. She freaks out after a trip is over if she does not have another one left. She says if she doesn't she doesn't know if she will be alive long enough to get there. Her coping strategy is that.. if she can work towards a point in the future.. she won't get stuck in limbo. Time won't really stop.. ther will always be a reason to wake up the next day.

She told me when she was suicidal that she didn't do it because there were people she loved and if she wan't there for them how sad would they be? You can do the same with animals. They depend on you. Without you their life changes. They don't have you there to take care of them... Emotionally.. they are taking care of you.
Once I tried to kill myself by cutting off all ventilation in a closet and just fading.. and my dear Savanna would not stop howling. When I was almost passed out she managed to get the door open. Nobody was there so I didn't think to lock it.

Heres the thing though. Animals depart. People depart. Life changes. The constant is you. Find happiness first within yourself or it will always be dependant on outside factors.

"It's like to die you just fully commit and to live you must fully commit. And I do neither." Yeah. You have to choose. I think it is easier when you cultivate yourself a life worth suffering for. I think if you wan to die, it is your choice.. but you don't want to die.. you want to figure out how to live.

I used to write poems every night about death. I used to go to school thinking about death. I didn't understand depression. I fixated on a belief of suicidal idealization. I self-harmed because it was something that I could control and a way to be self-destructive. it.. was better in a way. I could cross any line because I didn't care about the consequences. I was going to die anyway. I could just give up because I was going to die anyways. I could embrace feeling so terrible.. it was normal to me, soothing almost.

In psychology class I discovered something called learned helplessness. Researchers did a study on a dog. They tied him down and electrocuted him. Again and again, until it was normal. They then put the dog in a room. On side was electrocution, the other was safe. That dog would just stand there and accept being electrocuted, while other ones had the sense to run away. The dog just accepted this helplessness, even when there was an alternative. The same can be applied to people..
Think of it as an addiction. Or think of it as a hole you are digging. You;ve dug so deep you now realize the sunlight doesn't come through and you want to be back on the surface.. but that climb now looks impossible. You try.. maybe get halfway out of the hole.. before you fall again. Maybe it would just be easier to keep digging.
Maybe the masochism.. the razors.. give you a sense of control. When you cut they release endorphins, a temporary release. Or being self destructive is that step towards the inevitable suicide attempt. I don't know. To each their own. Perhaps there are healthier outlets. I used to paint colorful lines on my arm whenever I felt like cutting. Eventually that became the learned habit.. then I stopped altogether. Have you tried different coping mechanisms?

Another thing is the ties you make to life. They are easy to sever when you have few. More difficult when there's many. Honestly I think the best way to learn how to fully embrace life is to learn how to make these connections. You have some with your animals. Getting another horse would be another connection. With it you will have a partner and possibly go on grand adventures. Those threads will multiply. You never know where you will find a significant one. That friend I mentioned, I met her by volunteering at the SPCA. She became one of my most helpful coping mechanisms. I would ramble.. to another person.. and I would have their perspective too. When we were sad we would go on adventures and see a depth to life I couldn't before. When you are suicidal.. or depressed.. your vision is very limited. Tunnel vision.. and thats all you see. Friendship is very important. Animals are wonderful.. the fact that they don't really feel such mental suffering and have capacity to understand it other than to love.. but a person can match your thoughts. People have the ability to change your perception.

I'm laying in bed right now because I feel suicidal. It's always there.. even on good days there's just the smallest hint of it. But you can learn how to cope. Find reasons to love life. Aspire to find the best version of yourself.
When it came down to my decision.. with a rope around my neck.. I had a thought. I thought, what if I just strived to life life to the fullest. If I do that, if I live and have done all that I can do with my time.. in the end if I decide that it is time to give up I know what I will be giving up.
They say the sin of suicide is not that you will be taking your own life. It is that you will be taking away possibilities for those your life would have touched. All of the stories that you were going to write.. just gone.

I am suicidal, but I have decided to make that choice to fully live life. I've met incredible people, learned so much, and had many moments of happiness. So far it is worth the suffering.. but I had to create that. You can destroy everything.. every single tie you have to this world and sit alone in the dark.. you can do it for years.. but instead I stepped forward. I educated myself aout depression, spent a portion of my life helping others. I became an artist, top of my class, found an art guild learned all about clay, bought a potters wheel, opened a little business. Find your passion, give it your all, see where it takes you. Life is very vast and if you give up on it now you will never know what could have been.

Make your ties and love wholeheartedly.. the animals, the people in your life, yourself. Eventually you will cultivate a life worth living..

These are just my ramblings. I hope you will get some meaning out something. And I wish you the best in your journey.

A
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