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savanna.017
last online: 04/18, 15:18
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Just a rather dark rant.

Have you ever met a suicidal person? Depression is a very peculiar kind of sickness. Psychology defines it as a chemical imbalance and dryly notes self destructive behavior. But what really makes someone want to die?

When I was young I thought only one world existed. One perspective. And I felt such suffering that I just stopped caring why and only wanted that pain to go away. So I learned to love pain. Yes in very masochistic ways. Sometimes it was the only way I could convince myself that I was still alive. That if I broke it i could say it was meant to be broken.

Since then I have seen many perspectives. Sometimes I feel so alive that I can hardly remember what depression is like and it feels like some dry definition of sadness. But it seems that no matter how many times I start over that moment always comes where I watch my care get destroyed and I watch the bridge burn and I sit in the ruins contemplating why.

Then I become a cynic. I shut myself away from the world and try to remember what peace is. Try to imagine how to rebuild, what new things to care for, what love there will be. These moments worth living. I imagine even being some small good influence in this world. and I will make it mine, and I will be happy.

But truthfully, I know somewhere deep in my core.. that I have broken myself. I have broken myself to such an extent that any of these places I live, I will destoy them eventually. Maybe they were already flawed. I can pull apart those flaws and destroy it with my own. I'm not some small good in the world. I don't care about the world. I don't even know if I care about myself. I seem to be in the place where I can't care about anything at all. I think if I cared I just would break more. That my emotions would be smashing cups and screaming into the night and whats the point of that? I am the sum of my decisions.

And I think of suicide remembering the girl that I was and knowing now that there are so many worlds I am bound to love one. Or find a little love in them all, though i'll inevitably destroy them.And when I isolate myself from the world I paint realities of imagination and I write and read books to fall into. And I could live, if only to know. If only to see where all of these stories go. All of the things I can learn.

But I've learned so many wrongs in the world. like your're watching a drama and somewhere the characters took a wrong turn and now the ending is so far from the beginning that it all feels wrong. I've seen abuse and I've loved such unhappy people. And i wonder if there truly is a balance. I love a man who smiles every day and such kindness overflowing his heart and I question how he can care so much about a damned world. Maybe its all just my broken perspective.

The pain is always there. The detachment and the simple thought.. that none of it matters, because none of it is real. If you can endure pain I think you can endure quite a lot. And you can love your demons then you can overcome the consequences of their chaos. When I think of suicide I think of a persons endurance. I think of how time can stop moving and how frighting that can be, eternally stagnant. I suppose its rather frighting that I keep trying to destroy my innate desire to live, that I need that as my existence. I will never be able to outlive my capacity to care and I think one day I am going to break myself in a way that cannot be fixed. And I am scared for that moment.. but for now I will try another place. Maybe in one of these I will find.. something worth being alive for.

This rant comes in every ending. I think i've become rather hardened to them. Sadness seems a waste of energy and so does hope. so goodnight.

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Since writing this post savanna.017 may have helped people, but has not within the last four (4) days.
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love, world, care, pain, alive
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Suicide Prevention Lifeline

If you are contemplating suicide, hurting yourself, or you are seriously depressed: please, seek professional help!

Call this hotline (1-800-273-8255) operated by our friends at the Suicide Prevention Lifeline, anytime, for free, professional, and confidential assistance. While other Helpers are likely to reply to your post, please make sure you understand that your use of Help-QA.com falls under our TOS.

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savanna.017 edited this post .

Just a rather dark rant. ¬ ¬ Have you ever met a suicidal person? Depression is a very peculiar kind of sickness. Psychology defines it as a chemical imbalance and dryly notes self destructive behavior. But what really makes someone want to die?¬ ¬ When I was young I thought only one world existed. One perspective. And I felt such suffering that I just stopped caring why and only wanted that pain to go away. So I learned to love pain. Yes in very masochistic ways. Sometimes it was the only way I could convince myself that I was still alive. That if I broke it i could say it was meant to be broken. ¬ ¬ Since then I have seen many perspectives. Sometimes I feel so alive that I can hardly remember what depression is like and it feels like some dry definition of sadness. But it seems that no matter how many times I start over that moment always comes where I watch my care get destroyed and I watch the bridge burn and I sit in the ruins contemplating why. ¬ ¬ Then I become a cynic. I shut myself away from the world and try to remember what peace is. Try to imagine how to rebuild, what new things to care for, what love there will be. These moments worth living. I imagine even being some small good influence in this world. and I will make it mine, and I will be happy. ¬ ¬ But truthfully, I know somewhere deep in my core.. that I have broken myself. I have broken myself to such an extent that any of these places I live, I will destoy them eventually. Maybe they were already flawed. I can pull apart those flaws and destroy it with my own. I'm not some small good in the world. I don't care about the world. I don't even know if I care about myself. I seem to be in the place where I can't care about anything at all. I think if I cared I just would break more. That my emotions would be smashing cups and screaming into the night and whats the point of that? I am the sum of my decisions. ¬ ¬ And I think of suicide remembering the girl that I was and knowing now that there are so many worlds I am bound to love one. Or find a little love in them all, though i'll inevitably destroy them.And when I isolate myself from the world I paint realities of imagination and I write and read books to fall into. And I could live, if only to know. If only to see where all of these stories go. All of the things I can learn. ¬ ¬ But I've learned so many wrongs in the world. like your're watching a drama and somewhere the characters took a wrong turn and now the ending is so far from the beginning that it all feels wrong. I've seen abuse and I've loved such unhappy people. And i wonder if there truly is a balance. I love a man who smiles every day and such kindness overflowing his heart and I question how he can care so much about a damned world. Maybe its all just my broken perspective. ¬ ¬ The pain is always there. The detachment and the simple thought.. that none of it matters, because none of it is real. If you can endure pain I think you can endure quite a lot. And you can love your demons then you can overcome the consequences of their chaos. When I think of suicide I think of a persons endurance. I think of how time can stop moving and how frighting that can be, eternally stagnant. I suppose its rather frighting that I keep trying to destroy my innate desire to live, that I need that as my existence. I think one day I am going to break myself in a way that cannot be fixed. I will never be able to outlive my capacity to care and I think one day I am going to break myself in a way that cannot be fixed. And I am scared for that moment.. but for now I will try another place. Maybe in one of these I will find.. something worth being alive for. ¬ ¬ ThatThis is my rant comes in every ending. GoodnightI think i've become rather hardened to them. Sadness seems a waste of energy and so does hope. so goodnight.

Drawn log viking 19
Legion
last online: 09/26, 2:43
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All I can really say is that you're not alone in this. Everything I touch seems to fall apart regardless of my intentions.

I hope you find peace somehow.

-Legion.

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Neutra-The-SpaceWeaver
last online: 10/04, 3:07
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This is why it's mandatory to take care of yourself mentally and spiritually. If you take a day for yourself, some mistake it for laziness. No. You need to take care of yourself before anyone else. If you are to contribute to society, to the world around you, you must first take care of yourself. It's vital that you take time out to do the things you love, laugh at what makes you chuckle, enjoy looking at the beautiful sky, be around your loved ones, or simply just appreciate that it's another day and that you're here to see it

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verge
last online: 03/08, 18:09
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I was seriously depressed. I realized I could absolutely control it with exercise, healthy food, and being careful about the thoughts and people in my life. Sounds weird, but negative people, horror movies, sugar, cynicism, and fakeness are all ****shit for your mental health. If you love good enough then that's what shows up in your life.

1581744157174 1581744149313 miss bot
soco
last online: 03/19, 3:49
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Simply beautiful and chilling at the same time. You have a wonderful way with painting a picture with words. Have you ever considered crafting a book or even a song?

Help me with:

We have another hurricane coming this way.

Sherlock by olga tereshenko d9qdidc
Sherlock
last online: 07/08, 10:43
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I could show you so many wrongs being done in the world . . . in the Middle East and in Africa.

There are still between 27 and 30 million SLAVES in the world.

Bottom line: the people of light must unite and stand together against the people of darkness.

A
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