Here I am *Drumroll* Back with another Crisis !¬ ¬ ¬ Dang I'm just the best arnt I ?¬ I typed it once already but it took too long so when I clicked post it needed to refresh and I lost the whole thing and it was not fun to type so.. I'm just gonna sulk about it then edit this post (that's still an option right?)?)¬ ¬ ×××× Retyped It ×××׬ ¬ *TLTR* Yeah not sure how to shorten it. Long story short I'm super dumb and messed things up and now I'm either paranoid or right.¬ ¬ ×××׬ ¬ Me now days: (quiet) usually fine.¬ ¬ Well my cat almost died and shes been requiring alot of vet care. I go to the vet one day. Meet a super big jerk vet. It sets me over the edge. So upset I puked all over my room. I STILL haven't cleaned it. There is puke on my floor right now covered up so I dont have to see it and can pretend it doesn't exist.¬ ¬ I thought. Id talk to my therapist and shed give me the motivation to clean it just as she does to shower 😅¬ ¬ Except this emergency vet appointment cause me to miss her scheduled call so I had to wait a week. I did. And guess what? I missed that one. I've never missed appointments. I think I just was so flustered I kept messing up. ¬ ¬ Then its rescheduled for 2 weeks later. Guess who misses it? This girl. Litterally the appointment before the 3 I missed in a row she told me she knows when she calls me ill answer because I am reliable.¬ ¬ Que fear to talk go her now because I royally effed up. And just did exactly what she says I wouldn't do. Not once. Not twice. Just 3 times in a row. Fabulous.¬ ¬ Anyway during this month of bad decisions I also went off my meds because I believed that oh there gonna take them away and id rather go off them before they take them because I'm in control not them.¬ ¬ So how much of the going off my meds caused this next problem im not sure.¬ But I imagine I was certainly stupider.¬ ¬ I can be really goofy, like manic? But the happy way. Also the sad way but I was the happy way. So I find everything funny.¬ ¬ And this guy on the internet who I dont know at all tells me. ¬ Hey. Imma be your sugar daddy and give you 500 a week.¬ ¬ I laughed because I thought RiGhT. ¬ Not pretty and im asexual. And why me?¬ Still I was in a good mood. My mom was in the hospital and my cat cost me 80 dollars a week to keep alive. 80 a week I dong have . Not to mention im trying get her well enough for surgery.¬ ¬ A very expensive 2 surgeries actually.¬ ¬ He said. You do nothing. No sex no nudes nothing just talk to me sometimes. He asked for my bank information and I was like. I was told im not supposed to give that out.¬ ¬ He was like. What could I steal from you?? You have nothing. I thought. Yikes fair enough.¬ ¬ Gave it to him. He said money would be there in a few days. I thought. Uh huh. SuRe.¬ Well I couldn't believe it be wasn't lying.¬ ¬ He says. Hey wanna be my assistant. I need one.¬ I thought my goodness this man gave me money of course ill be his assistant because I thought this was a scam. I'm not actually okay with taking money I didn't earn. Gave the money to my mom who was in hospital and she didn't even question it. ¬ ¬ So I ask what do you do? He says he does stock and international trade. Hm yeah I know nothing about that. ¬ ¬ He says. Okay you will help me with the money. I said oh okay. He gives me large money. 1.6k usually. Then he asks me to turn it into bitcoin and send it back to him. Buts its not that easy.¬ ¬ See. He usually sends me money through PayPal. And PayPal says its from some words that aren't words and Federal. No idea what that is but it sounds serious.¬ ¬ Well then. His venmo says his name is Chris.¬ But he told me his name was Anthony ¬ His cashapp says his name is Yu.¬ ¬ On all my accounts my name is the same. At first I think. Okay he told me a fake name hes probably married. Then he when it was another different name I thought. What if this man steals people's identities and steals there money, sends it to me from there account, then I send it back so when he gets caught I go to prison and he doesn't and he gets the money¬ ¬ Well. I do what he says. And I dont. Steal.¬ ¬ But my fear increases. It doesn't feel legit to me. Why does he need me to do this ? You can buy 100k in bit coin in your own account. But I can only convert 2k a week for him due to the sending limits.¬ And 2k compared to 100k is nothing certainly he couldn't get enough from my help to pay me and make anything ¬ ¬ So my fear rises. I wanted to tell my therapist and maybe get an idea what this is because I have no idea. I kept missing appointments and then when I finally spoken with her yesterday I was too afraid to tell her because I felt I couldn't after missing so many appointments. Also this is definitely something they'd expect someone with my labels to get into. We are all trouble finders who make bad choices and I pride myself on not proving them right. Least not anymore. So I didn't tell her and now I have to wait 2 weeks to speak with her again and I can't stall this for 2 more weeks.¬ ¬ I finally tell someone and its my 72 year old friend. I told him i got myself into trouble he asked what did I do?¬ So I told him and he was genuinely surprised I got into this trouble. Thought I couldn't surprise him anymore.¬ ¬ He said he doesn't like it. He thinks thr guy is laundering money through me and he told me I should go to the police or my stepdad.¬ I WOULD like the police to look this over and tell me if im okay or not but. ¬ 1) I don't drive and there's no public transport ¬ 2) yeah what if they arrest me?¬ 3) can't have my family know. Or ill be disowned ha¬ ¬ Anyway there's also that pesky label. I mean they do know me as the girl who tried to kill herself more than once there just gonna think im crazy.¬ ¬ No way I can tell my stepdad. Hes not smart certainly would've know more than I do about this. And well hed Definitely tell my alcoholic, in terrible health mom. ¬ ¬ I need to end this so I stress. Im afraid. Afraid of his wrath. Idk.¬ He has all my information and my address and clearly alot of money. What if he just shows up?¬ ¬ I would love to ghost him but. Theres a problem. He never let's me not have his money in my accounts. And he never tells me he's doing it either. He pays me by direct deposit and I can't find a way to block him or send it back that way. I do not want to take his money. I want him to have it back, and leave me alone.¬ ¬ The only way I felt I could do that is I just gonna tell him. So I ignore him all day. And he even calls me for the first time probably to see if I blocked his number¬ ¬ So that makes me scared¬ ¬ I finally type and send this ¬ ¬ "I cant work for you anymore. I dont understand what you get out of this but I suspect it's illegal.¬ ¬ Your not a sugar daddy. Cause they want companionship or to feel they have a cute girls attention and thats why they pay. ¬ ¬ You want something else. If you use your own account to buy bit coin you can buy 100k a week. Thats plenty. And if your buying over 100k a week my measly 2k im able to buy and send you is certainly not worth the trouble. Also what you pay me to do it would certainly take away any profit you'd get from this. This gave me a fear that your stealing from people and giving me a portion and using my name so when you get caught it looks like I did it.¬ ¬ I dont know much about you but I was willing to respect your privacy and not pry. But you tell me your name is Anthony, then I get money from some sketchy federal account on PayPal. Some Chris Thornton guy on venmo and on cash app from some Yu guy. Which is what gave me the fear your stealing.¬ ¬ So is your name Anthony? Do you steal peoples identities? Or what is this? I'm not sure but it feels like it may be something illegal. I was troubled enough to let my best friend know and he is not dumb and says your money laundering through me. Im not sure thats what your doing but whatever this is. I dont get good vibes. And I'm not willing to commit crime willingly. I dont know enough about this to be helping even if it is legal work. ¬ ¬ I have a really hard time saying this because if it's legal and you have a valid explanation I'd feel bad but. I can't risk it. I feel you try to act normal and like you have more of an intrest in me than just a job but I feel like its more so an act to keep my gaurd down and keep me convinced this is legit. I do have a paranoid personality so if this is all not true think of it as a bullet your dodging since clearly im either crazy or right.¬ Im sure you will find someone else to do this easy work and if not then maybe that's cause its illegal and I was just dumber than most. But there are plenty of people willing to do illegal work youd just have to be honest and let them know so they don't get in trouble without knowing the consequences.¬ ¬ I'll return your deposit but im not gonna turn it into bitcoin cause I'm not confident that its legal and im not willing to wait around for cashapp to allow it.¬ ¬ So imma need a paypal name or a cashapp name.¬ ¬ I dont want you sending anymore money. If you send money after I send this message im just going to keep it and close the account so you can't send it there again. Id rather not since I use my accounts for my own money things but if I have too I will. If you give me any trouble ill go to the police and let them investigate it so. Probably best to just let me go. I only see you having a problem with me leaving if its illegal. Anyway my mind is made up. I dont want an explanation I just want to leave.¬ The only reply I want is your PayPal or cashapp name. If you try to pressure me or dont give me a place to send your money too on the first reply.. I will block your contact cause. The questions I asked are rhetorical and just my explanation for quitting. I won't talk about it. So if you want your deposit back id just give me an account and be done with it "¬ ¬ Anyway. My normal reaction to stress that comes from people contacting me through my phone is to shut it off and not turn it back on till im calm enough to not try to off myself over it which ill admit sometimes takes longer than a few days.¬ But I felt I couldn't do that in this situation ¬ ¬ Also I have baby animals in my care and actual people who bought them expecting me to not vanish. ¬ ¬ I send it at 2am hoping hes asleep so I have a few hours to calm my nerves.¬ ¬ Nope he replies.¬ ¬ He told me I should be happy he's paying me for nothing.¬ Would I rather he force me to have sex and send nudes?¬ Maybe all this cash is too much for you go handle.¬ Do you even know what stock is?¬ Don't take my kindness and generosity for something its not.¬ This is a once in a lifetime opportunity ¬ You dont know things thats why your supposed to ask me because I know things ¬ This is really bad. I knew something was not right with you.¬ I'm not a kid I know when things aren't right. ¬ I'm reducing your pay by more than half so you don't feel your getting money for no reason¬ ¬ Oh he send me this one which I was was cringe. ¬ "Okay I want you to see our relationship as a GIFT from GOD because only a tiny percent of guys out there are willing to pay $200 just to have sex with other girls or asking for there nudes¬ Not everyone can do what I am doing . I want you to take this opportunity precious because I am a blessing to you"¬ ¬ After that I told him I needed to go to bed.¬ ¬ But im soo dumb. First off. I felt my self worth sink because I dunno the way he was talking to me made me feel like I'm medically retarded and that he is right and I am wrong and I am not worth it and all I'm worth to normal people is the cost of sex. And im asexual. Yep still. Didn't grow put of it. And im pretty disturbed by sex stuff and just hearing him say that somehow made me feel like. Im only worth that idk. ¬ ¬ But im too afraid. Too afraid so I threw all the bravery away. All the bravery it took me to.send the message. I didn't want him to reply because I knew. I knew my anxiety would tell me. Hes right your the problem. Your Just crazy.¬ You disrespected a kind person and just. Even if he's right ¬ I want out¬ The way he talks to me somehow makes me feel controlled. Like as a kid you can't disobey your parents or else beatings. And anything with authority energy im afraid to disobey. Im like a dog. Tell a dog to sit even if it doesn't want it¬ And it sits. Because it was bred to listen not to question.¬ ¬ I just want to go back to not being owned.¬ I dont want to feel stressed¬ I dont want to feel I have to wait by my phone for orders and that. Im lucky I dont have to have sex.¬ ¬ My brain tells me. Yep you've made a grave mistake. Your gonna get arrested. If your not gonna get arrested your gonna be owned.¬ And the only way out from the horrible things coming my way is to die because nobody can hurt me if im dead. ¬ I haven't had things ready to go In a while.¬ My animals and would be screwed if I died right now. Because i have so many babies and pregnancies¬ ¬ I seek answers from authority¬ I need some kind of authority I cam trust to tell me what "this" is.¬ What to do.¬ ¬ I just am afraid im afraid¬ He is going to expect me to reply in a few hours when he thinks I'm awake and I dont know how to handle it¬ ¬ I am so afraid of conflict im likely to just do exactly as im told.¬ But I send the message if I dont leave now how will I ever ?¬ ¬ Yeah see i also feel like Omg what if he's on this site ? What if he's waiting for me.¬ I know he's not. But what if he is¬ ¬ Or what if everyone agrees with him. I mean. Im not sure what is worse my paranoid thoughts being true or me saying what I said to a genuinely nice guy. ¬ ¬ I'm not sure but I think im alot more paranoid since going off my meds ¬ I'm okay with authority. My old friend has authority. My therapist has authority my doctor has authority. Cops have authority.¬ ¬ I dont feel that I must obey feeling to everyone. But the way he talks to me triggers the this is authority feeling.¬ ¬ I feel I royally messed everything up. Go figure. I can't just chill ever cause I'm so dumb

Here I am *Drumroll* Back with another Crisis !¬ ¬ ¬ Dang I'm just the best arnt I ?¬ I typed it once already but it took too long so when I clicked post it needed to refresh and I lost the whole thing and it was not fun to type so.. I'm just gonna sulk about it then edit this post (that's still an option right?)¬ ¬ ×××× Retyped It ×××׬ ¬ *TLTR* Yeah not sure how to shorten it. Long story short I'm super dumb and messed things up and now I'm either paranoid or right.¬ ¬ ×××׬ ¬ Me now days: (quiet) usually fine.¬ ¬ Well my cat almost died and shes been requiring alot of vet care. I go to the vet one day. Meet a super big jerk vet. It sets me over the edge. So upset I puked all over my room. I STILL haven't cleaned it. There is puke on my floor right now covered up so I dont have to see it and can pretend it doesn't exist.¬ ¬ I thought. Id talk to my therapist and shed give me the motivation to clean it just as she does to shower 😅¬ ¬ Except this emergency vet appointment cause me to miss her scheduled call so I had to wait a week. I did. And guess what? I missed that one. I've never missed appointments. I think I just was so flustered I kept messing up. ¬ ¬ Then its rescheduled for 2 weeks later. Guess who misses it? This girl. Litterally the appointment before the 3 I missed in a row she told me she knows when she calls me ill answer because I am reliable.¬ ¬ Que fear to talk go her now because I royally effed up. And just did exactly what she says I wouldn't do. Not once. Not twice. Just 3 times in a row. Fabulous.¬ ¬ Anyway during this month of bad decisions I also went off my meds because I believed that oh there gonna take them away and id rather go off them before they take them because I'm in control not them.¬ ¬ So how much of the going off my meds caused this next problem im not sure.¬ But I imagine I was certainly stupider.¬ ¬ I can be really goofy, like manic? But the happy way. Also the sad way but I was the happy way. So I find everything funny.¬ ¬ And this guy on the internet who I dont know at all tells me. ¬ Hey. Imma be your sugar daddy and give you 500 a week.¬ ¬ I laughed because I thought RiGhT. ¬ Not pretty and im asexual. And why me?¬ Still I was in a good mood. My mom was in the hospital and my cat cost me 80 dollars a week to keep alive. 80 a week I dong have . Not to mention im trying get her well enough for surgery.¬ ¬ A very expensive 2 surgeries actually.¬ ¬ He said. You do nothing. No sex no nudes nothing just talk to me sometimes. He asked for my bank information and I was like. I was told im not supposed to give that out.¬ ¬ He was like. What could I steal from you?? You have nothing. I thought. Yikes fair enough.¬ ¬ Gave it to him. He said money ¬ ¬ I laughed because I thought RiGhT. ¬ Not pretty and im asexual. And why me?¬ Still I was in a good mood. My mom was in the hospital and my cat cost me 80 dollars a week to keep alive. 80 a week I dong have . Not to mention im trying get her well enough for surgery.¬ ¬ A very expensive 2 surgeries actually.¬ ¬ He said. You do nothing. No sex no nudes nothing just talk to me sometimes. He asked for my bank information and I was like. I was told im not supposed to give that out.¬ ¬ He was like. What could I steal from you?? You have nothing. I thought. Yikes fair enough.¬ ¬ Gave it to him. He said money would be there in a few days. I thought. Uh huh. SuRe.¬ Well I couldn't believe it be wasn't lying.¬ ¬ He says. Hey wanna be my assistant. I need one.¬ I thought my goodness this man gave me money of course ill be his assistant because I thought this was a scam. I'm not actually okay with taking money I didn't earn. Gave the money to my mom who was in hospital and she didn't even question it. ¬ ¬ So I ask what do you do? He says he does stock and international trade. Hm yeah I know nothing about that. ¬ ¬ He says. Okay you will help me with the money. I said oh okay. He gives me large money. 1.6k usually. Then he asks me to turn it into bitcoin and send it back to him. Buts its not that easy.¬ ¬ See. He usually sends me money through PayPal. And PayPal says its from some words that aren't words and Federal. No idea what that is but it sounds serious.¬ ¬ Well then. His venmo says his name is Chris.¬ But he told me his name was Anthony ¬ His cashapp says his name is Yu.¬ ¬ On all my accounts my name is the same. At first I think. Okay he told me a fake name hes probably married. Then he when it was another different name I thought. What if this man steals people's identities and steals there money, sends it to me from there account, then I send it back so when he gets caught I go to prison and he doesn't and he gets the money¬ ¬ Well. I do what he says. And I dont. Steal.¬ ¬ But my fear increases. It doesn't feel legit to me. Why does he need me to do this ? You can buy 100k in bit coin in your own account. But I can only convert 2k a week for him due to the sending limits.¬ And 2k compared to 100k is nothing certainly he couldn't get enough from my help to pay me and make anything ¬ ¬ So my fear rises. I wanted to tell my therapist and maybe get an idea what this is because I have no idea. I kept missing appointments and then when I finally spoken with her yesterday I was too afraid to tell her because I felt I couldn't after missing so many appointments. Also this is definitely something they'd expect someone with my labels to get into. We are all trouble finders who make bad choices and I pride myself on not proving them right. Least not anymore. So I didn't tell her and now I have to wait 2 weeks to speak with her again and I can't stall this for 2 more weeks.¬ ¬ I finally tell someone and its my 72 year old friend. I told him i got myself into trouble he asked what did I do?¬ So I told him and he was genuinely surprised I got into this trouble. Thought I couldn't surprise him anymore.¬ ¬ He said he doesn't like it. He thinks thr guy is laundering money through me and he told me I should go to the police or my stepdad.¬ I WOULD like the police to look this over and tell me if im okay or not but. ¬ 1) I don't drive and there's no public transport ¬ 2) yeah what if they arrest me?¬ 3) can't have my family know. Or ill be disowned ha¬ ¬ Anyway there's also that pesky label. I mean they do know me as the girl who tried to kill herself more than once there just gonna think im crazy.¬ ¬ No way I can tell my stepdad. Hes not smart certainly would've know more than I do about this. And well hed Definitely tell my alcoholic, in terrible health mom. ¬ ¬ I need to end this so I stress. Im afraid. Afraid of his wrath. Idk.¬ He has all my information and my address and clearly alot of money. What if he just shows up?¬ ¬ I would love to ghost him but. Theres a problem. He never let's me not have his money in my accounts. And he never tells me he's doing it either. He pays me by direct deposit and I can't find a way to block him or send it back that way. I do not want to take his money. I want him to have it back, and leave me alone.¬ ¬ The only way I felt I could do that is I just gonna tell him. So I ignore him all day. And he even calls me for the first time probably to see if I blocked his number¬ ¬ So that makes me scared¬ ¬ I finally type and send this ¬ ¬ "I cant work for you anymore. I dont understand what you get out of this but I suspect it's illegal.¬ ¬ Your not a sugar daddy. Cause they want companionship or to feel they have a cute girls attention and thats why they pay. ¬ ¬ You want something else. If you use your own account to buy bit coin you can buy 100k a week. Thats plenty. And if your buying over 100k a week my measly 2k im able to buy and send you is certainly not worth the trouble. Also what you pay me to do it would certainly take away any profit you'd get from this. This gave me a fear that your stealing from people and giving me a portion and using my name so when you get caught it looks like I did it.¬ ¬ I dont know much about you but I was willing to respect your privacy and not pry. But you tell me your name is Anthony, then I get money from some sketchy federal account on PayPal. Some Chris Thornton guy on venmo and on cash app from some Yu guy. Which is what gave me the fear your stealing.¬ ¬ So is your name Anthony? Do you steal peoples identities? Or what is this? I'm not sure but it feels like it may be something illegal. I was troubled enough to let my best friend know and he is not dumb and says your money laundering through me. Im not sure thats what your doing but whatever this is. I dont get good vibes. And I'm not willing to commit crime willingly. I dont know enough about this to be helping even if it is legal work. ¬ ¬ I have a really hard time saying this because if it's legal and you have a valid explanation I'd feel bad but. I can't risk it. I feel you try to act normal and like you have more of an intrest in me than just a job but I feel like its more so an act to keep my gaurd down and keep me convinced this is legit. I do have a paranoid personality so if this is all not true think of it as a bullet your dodging since clearly im either crazy or right.¬ Im sure you will find someone else to do this easy work and if not then maybe that's cause its illegal and I was just dumber than most. But there are plenty of people willing to do illegal work youd just have to be honest and let them know so they don't get in trouble without knowing the consequences.¬ ¬ I'll return your deposit but im not gonna turn it into bitcoin cause I'm not confident that its legal and im not willing to wait around for cashapp to allow it.¬ ¬ So imma need a paypal name or a cashapp name.¬ ¬ I dont want you sending anymore money. If you send money after I send this message im just going to keep it and close the account so you can't send it there again. Id rather not since I use my accounts for my own money things but if I have too I will. If you give me any trouble ill go to the police and let them investigate it so. Probably best to just let me go. I only see you having a problem with me leaving if its illegal. Anyway my mind is made up. I dont want an explanation I just want to leave.¬ The only reply I want is your PayPal or cashapp name. If you try to pressure me or dont give me a place to send your money too on the first reply.. I will block your contact cause. The questions I asked are rhetorical and just my explanation for quitting. I won't talk about it. So if you want your deposit back id just give me an account and be done with it "¬ ¬ Anyway. My normal reaction to stress that comes from people contacting me through my phone is to shut it off and not turn it back on till im calm enough to not try to off myself over it which ill admit sometimes takes longer than a few days.¬ But I felt I couldn't do that in this situation ¬ ¬ Also I have baby animals in my care and actual people who bought them expecting me to not vanish. ¬ ¬ I send it at 2am hoping hes asleep so I have a few hours to calm my nerves.¬ ¬ Nope he replies.¬ ¬ He told me I should be happy he's paying me for nothing.¬ Would I rather he force me to have sex and send nudes?¬ Maybe all this cash is too much for you go handle.¬ Do you even know what stock is?¬ Don't take my kindness and generosity for something its not.¬ This is a once in a lifetime opportunity ¬ You dont know things thats why your supposed to ask me because I know things ¬ This is really bad. I knew something was not right with you.¬ I'm not a kid I know when things aren't right. ¬ I'm reducing your pay by more than half so you don't feel your getting money for no reason¬ ¬ Oh he send me this one which I was was cringe. ¬ "Okay I want you to see our relationship as a GIFT from GOD because only a tiny percent of guys out there are willing to pay $200 just to have sex with other girls or asking for there nudes¬ Not everyone can do what I am doing . I want you to take this opportunity precious because I am a blessing to you"¬ ¬ After that I told him I needed to go to bed.¬ ¬ But im soo dumb. First off. I felt my self worth sink because I dunno the way he was talking to me made me feel like I'm medically retarded and that he is right and I am wrong and I am not worth it and all I'm worth to normal people is the cost of sex. And im asexual. Yep still. Didn't grow put of it. And im pretty disturbed by sex stuff and just hearing him say that somehow made me feel like. Im only worth that idk. ¬ ¬ But im too afraid. Too afraid so I threw all the bravery away. All the bravery it took me to.send the message. I didn't want him to reply because I knew. I knew my anxiety would tell me. Hes right your the problem. Your Just crazy.¬ You disrespected a kind person and just. Even if he's right ¬ I want out¬ The way he talks to me somehow makes me feel controlled. Like as a kid you can't disobey your parents or else beatings. And anything with authority energy im afraid to disobey. Im like a dog. Tell a dog to sit even if it doesn't want it¬ And it sits. Because it was bred to listen not to question.¬ ¬ I just want to go back to not being owned.¬ I dont want to feel stressed¬ I dont want to feel I have to wait by my phone for orders and that. Im lucky I dont have to have sex.¬ ¬ My brain tells me. Yep you've made a grave mistake. Your gonna get arrested. If your not gonna get arrested your gonna be owned.¬ And the only way out from the horrible things coming my way is to die because nobody can hurt me if im dead. ¬ I haven't had things ready to go In a while.¬ My animals and would be screwed if I died right now. Because i have so many babies and pregnancies¬ ¬ I seek answers from authority¬ I need some kind of authority I cam trust to tell me what "this" is.¬ What to do.¬ ¬ I just am afraid im afraid¬ He is going to expect me to reply in a few hours when he thinks I'm awake and I dont know how to handle it¬ ¬ I am so afraid of conflict im likely to just do exactly as im told.¬ But I send the message if I dont leave now how will I ever ?¬ ¬ Yeah see i also feel like Omg what if he's on this site ? What if he's waiting for me.¬ I know he's not. But what if he is¬ ¬ Or what if everyone agrees with him. I mean. Im not sure what is worse my paranoid thoughts being true or me saying what I said to a genuinely nice guy. ¬ ¬ I'm not sure but I think im alot more paranoid since going off my meds ¬ I'm okay with authority. My old friend has authority. My therapist has authority my doctor has authority. Cops have authority.¬ ¬ I dont feel that I must obey feeling to everyone. But the way he talks to me triggers the this is authority feeling.¬ ¬ I feel I royally messed everything up. Go figure. I can't just chill ever cause I'm so dumb

HereDeleted I am *Drumroll* Back with another Crisis !¬ ¬ ¬ Dang I'm just the best arnt I ?¬ I typed it once already but it took too long so when I clicked post it needed to refresh and I lost the whole thing and it was not fun to type so.. I'm just gonna sulk about it then edit this post (that's still an option right?)¬ ¬ ×××× Retyped It ×××׬ ¬ *TLTR* Yeah not sure how to shorten it. Long story short I'm super dumb and messed things up and now I'm either paranoid or right.¬ ¬ ×××׬ ¬ Me now days: (quiet) usually fine.¬ ¬ Well my cat almost died and shes been requiring alot of vet careSorry. I go to the vet one day. Meet a super big jerk vet. It sets me over the edge. So upset I puked all over my room. I STILL haven't cleaned it. There is puke on my floor right now covered up so I dont have to see it and can pretend it doesn't exist.¬ ¬ I thought. Id talk to my therapist and shed give me the motivation to clean it just as she does to shower 😅¬ ¬ Except this emergency vet appointment cause me to miss her scheduled call so I had to wait a week. I did. And guess what? I missed that one. I've never missed appointments. I think I just was so flustered I kept messing up. ¬ ¬ Then its rescheduled for 2 weeks later. Guess who misses it? This girl. Litterally the appointment before the 3 I missed in a row she told me she knows when she calls me ill answer because I am reliable.¬ ¬ Que fear to talk go her now because I royally effed up. And just did exactly what she says I wouldn't do. Not once. Not twice. Just 3 times in a row. Fabulous.¬ ¬ Anyway during this month of bad decisions I also went off my meds because I believed that oh there gonna take them away and id rather go off them before they take them because I'm in control not them.¬ ¬ So how much of the going off my meds caused this next problem im not sure.¬ But I imagine I was certainly stupider.¬ ¬ I can be really goofy, like manic? But the happy way. Also the sad way but I was the happy way. So I find everything funny.¬ ¬ And this guy on the internet who I dont know at all tells me. ¬ Hey. Imma be your sugar daddy and give you money ¬ ¬ I laughed because I thought RiGhT. ¬ Not pretty and im asexual. And why me?¬ Still I was in a good mood. My mom was in the hospital and my cat cost me 80 dollars a week to keep alive. 80 a week I dong have . Not to mention im trying get her well enough for surgery.¬ ¬ A very expensive 2 surgeries actually.¬ ¬ He said. You do nothing. No sex no nudes nothing just talk to me sometimes. He asked for my bank information and I was like. I was told im not supposed to give that out.¬ ¬ He was like. What could I steal from you?? You have nothing. I thought. Yikes fair enough.¬ ¬ Gave it to him. He said money would be there in a few days. I thought. Uh huh. SuRe.¬ Well I couldn't believe it be wasn't lying.¬ ¬ He says. Hey wanna be my assistant. I need one.¬ I thought my goodness this man gave me money of course ill be his assistant because I thought this was a scam. I'm not actually okay with taking money I didn't earn. Gave the money to my mom who was in hospital and she didn't even question it. ¬ ¬ So I ask what do you do? He says he does stock and international trade. Hm yeah I know nothing about that. ¬ ¬ He says. Okay you will help me with the money. I said oh okay. He gives me large money. 1.6k usually. Then he asks me to turn it into bitcoin and send it back to him. Buts its not that easy.¬ ¬ See. He usually sends me money through PayPal. And PayPal says its from some words that aren't words and Federal. No idea what that is but it sounds serious.¬ ¬ Well then. His venmo says his name is Chris.¬ But he told me his name was Anthony ¬ His cashapp says his name is Yu.¬ ¬ On all my accounts my name is the same. At first I think. Okay he told me a fake name hes probably married. Then he when it was another different name I thought. What if this man steals people's identities and steals there money, sends it to me from there account, then I send it back so when he gets caught I go to prison and he doesn't and he gets the money¬ ¬ Well. I do what he says. And I dont. Steal.¬ ¬ But my fear increases. It doesn't feel legit to me. Why does he need me to do this ? You can buy 100k in bit coin in your own account. But I can only convert 2k a week for him due to the sending limits.¬ And 2k compared to 100k is nothing certainly he couldn't get enough from my help to pay me and make anything ¬ ¬ So my fear rises. I wanted to tell my therapist and maybe get an idea what this is because I have no idea. I kept missing appointments and then when I finally spoken with her yesterday I was too afraid to tell her because I felt I couldn't after missing so many appointments. Also this is definitely something they'd expect someone with my labels to get into. We are all trouble finders who make bad choices and I pride myself on not proving them right. Least not anymore. So I didn't tell her and now I have to wait 2 weeks to speak with her again and I can't stall this for 2 more weeks.¬ ¬ I finally tell someone and its my 72 year old friend. I told him i got myself into trouble he asked what did I do?¬ So I told him and he was genuinely surprised I got into this trouble. Thought I couldn't surprise him anymore.¬ ¬ He said he doesn't like it. He thinks thr guy is laundering money through me and he told me I should go to the police or my stepdad.¬ I WOULD like the police to look this over and tell me if im okay or not but. ¬ 1) I don't drive and there's no public transport ¬ 2) yeah what if they arrest me?¬ 3) can't have my family know. Or ill be disowned ha¬ ¬ Anyway there's also that pesky label. I mean they do know me as the girl who tried to kill herself more than once there just gonna think im crazy.¬ ¬ No way I can tell my stepdad. Hes not smart certainly would've know more than I do about this. And well hed Definitely tell my alcoholic, in terrible health mom. ¬ ¬ I need to end this so I stress. Im afraid. Afraid of his wrath. Idk.¬ He has all my information and my address and clearly alot of money. What if he just shows up?¬ ¬ I would love to ghost him but. Theres a problem. He never let's me not have his money in my accounts. And he never tells me he's doing it either. He pays me by direct deposit and I can't find a way to block him or send it back that way. I do not want to take his money. I want him to have it back, and leave me alone.¬ ¬ The only way I felt I could do that is I just gonna tell him. So I ignore him all day. And he even calls me for the first time probably to see if I blocked his number¬ ¬ So that makes me scared¬ ¬ I finally type and send this ¬ ¬ "I cant work for you anymore. I dont understand what you get out of this but I suspect it's illegal.¬ ¬ Your not a sugar daddy. Cause they want companionship or to feel they have a cute girls attention and thats why they pay. ¬ ¬ You want something else. If you use your own account to buy bit coin you can buy 100k a week. Thats plenty. And if your buying over 100k a week my measly 2k im able to buy and send you is certainly not worth the trouble. Also what you pay me to do it would certainly take away any profit you'd get from this. This gave me a fear that your stealing from people and giving me a portion and using my name so when you get caught it looks like I did it.¬ ¬ I dont know much about you but I was willing to respect your privacy and not pry. But you tell me your name is Anthony, then I get money from some sketchy federal account on PayPal. Some Chris Thornton guy on venmo and on cash app from some Yu guy. Which is what gave me the fear your stealing.¬ ¬ So is your name Anthony? Do you steal peoples identities? Or what is this? I'm not sure but it feels like it may be something illegal. I was troubled enough to let my best friend know and he is not dumb and says your money laundering through me. Im not sure thats what your doing but whatever this is. I dont get good vibes. And I'm not willing to commit crime willingly. I dont know enough about this to be helping even if it is legal work. ¬ ¬ I have a really hard time saying this because if it's legal and you have a valid explanation I'd feel bad but. I can't risk it. I feel you try to act normal and like you have more of an intrest in me than just a job but I feel like its more so an act to keep my gaurd down and keep me convinced this is legit. I do have a paranoid personality so if this is all not true think of it as a bullet your dodging since clearly im either crazy or right.¬ Im sure you will find someone else to do this easy work and if not then maybe that's cause its illegal and I was just dumber than most. But there are plenty of people willing to do illegal work youd just have to be honest and let them know so they don't get in trouble without knowing the consequences.¬ ¬ I'll return your deposit but im not gonna turn it into bitcoin cause I'm not confident that its legal and im not willing to wait around for cashapp to allow it.¬ ¬ So imma need a paypal name or a cashapp name.¬ ¬ I dont want you sending anymore money. If you send money after I send this message im just going to keep it and close the account so you can't send it there again. Id rather not since I use my accounts for my own money things but if I have too I will. If you give me any trouble ill go to the police and let them investigate it so. Probably best to just let me go. I only see you having a problem with me leaving if its illegal. Anyway my mind is made up. I dont want an explanation I just want to leave.¬ The only reply I want is your PayPal or cashapp name. If you try to pressure me or dont give me a place to send your money too on the first reply.. I will block your contact cause. The questions I asked are rhetorical and just my explanation for quitting. I won't talk about it. So if you want your deposit back id just give me an account and be done with it "¬ ¬ Anyway. My normal reaction to stress that comes from people contacting me through my phone is to shut it off and not turn it back on till im calm enough to not try to off myself over it which ill admit sometimes takes longer than a few days.¬ But I felt I couldn't do that in this situation ¬ ¬ Also I have baby animals in my care and actual people who bought them expecting me to not vanish. ¬ ¬ I send it at 2am hoping hes asleep so I have a few hours to calm my nerves.¬ ¬ Nope he replies.¬ ¬ He told me I should be happy he's paying me for nothing.¬ Would I rather he force me to have sex and send nudes?¬ Maybe all this cash is too much for you go handle.¬ Do you even know what stock is?¬ Don't take my kindness and generosity for something its not.¬ This is a once in a lifetime opportunity ¬ You dont know things thats why your supposed to ask me because I know things ¬ This is really bad. I knew something was not right with you.¬ I'm not a kid I know when things aren't right. ¬ I'm reducing your pay by more than half so you don't feel your getting money for no reason¬ ¬ Oh he send me this one which I was was cringe. ¬ "Okay I want you to see our relationship as a GIFT from GOD because only a tiny percent of guys out there are willing to pay $200 just to have sex with other girls or asking for there nudes¬ Not everyone can do what I am doing . I want you to take this opportunity precious because I am a blessing to you"¬ ¬ After that I told him I needed to go to bed.¬ ¬ But im soo dumb. First off. I felt my self worth sink because I dunno the way he was talking to me made me feel like I'm medically retarded and that he is right and I am wrong and I am not worth it and all I'm worth to normal people is the cost of sex. And im asexual. Yep still. Didn't grow put of it. And im pretty disturbed by sex stuff and just hearing him say that somehow made me feel like. Im only worth that idk. ¬ ¬ But im too afraid. Too afraid so I threw all the bravery away. All the bravery it took me to.send the message. I didn't want him to reply because I knew. I knew my anxiety would tell me. Hes right your the problem. Your Just crazy.¬ You disrespected a kind person and just. Even if he's right ¬ I want out¬ The way he talks to me somehow makes me feel controlled. Like as a kid you can't disobey your parents or else beatings. And anything with authority energy im afraid to disobey. Im like a dog. Tell a dog to sit even if it doesn't want it¬ And it sits. Because it was bred to listen not to question.¬ ¬ I just want to go back to not being owned.¬ I dont want to feel stressed¬ I dont want to feel I have to wait by my phone for orders and that. Im lucky I dont have to have sex.¬ ¬ My brain tells me. Yep you've made a grave mistake. Your gonna get arrested. If your not gonna get arrested your gonna be owned.¬ And the only way out from the horrible things coming my way is to diekeep because nobody can hurt me if im dead. ¬ I haven't had things ready to go In a while.¬ My animals and would be screwed if I died right now. Because i have so many babies and pregnancies¬ ¬ I seek answers from authority¬ I need some kind of authority I cam trust to tell me what "this" is.¬ What to do.¬ ¬ I just am afraid im afraid¬ He is going to expect me to reply in a few hours when he thinks I'm awake and I dont know how to handle it¬ ¬ I am so afraid of conflict im likely to just do exactly as im told.¬ But I send the message if I dont leave now how will I ever ?¬ ¬ Yeah see i also feel like Omg what if he's on this site ? What if he's waiting for me.¬ I know he's not. But what if he is¬ ¬ Or what if everyone agrees with him. I mean. Im not sure what is worse my paranoid thoughts being true or me saying what I said to a genuinelysecret nice guy. ¬ ¬ I'm not sure but I think im alot more paranoid since going off my meds ¬ I'm okay with authority. My old friend has authority. My therapist has authority my doctor has authority. Cops have authority.¬ ¬ I dont feel that I must obey feeling to everyone. But the way he talks to me triggers the this is authority feeling.¬ ¬ I feel I royally messed everything up. Go figure. I can't just chill ever cause I'm so dumbits hard to get help but then. I know serval of you and was afraid of your reactions 😅¬ ¬ Can't handle more stress but imma try to fix it.

DeletedFor one I did as I was told.¬ ¬ It went well. Cop was super nice. Said its sketchy but irs not a typical case. He didn't think I did anything wrong and now I magically don't feel like i have to Kill myself because I no longer feel my flight or fight response¬ ¬ He also said he's gonna have cops drive past my house a few times a day so if he does show up he might see the post.¬ ¬ Sorry. Mypolice brainpresence tells me to keep it a secret so its hard to get help but then. I know serval of you and back off. And he said if if he does anything they'll press charges. ¬ Nobody was afraidmean of your reactions 😅¬ ¬ Can't handle more stress but imma try to fixme. Nobody ittried to hurt me.

For oneonce I did as I was told.¬ ¬ It went well. Cop was super nice. Said its sketchy but irs not a typical case. He didn't think I did anything wrong and now I magically don't feel like i have to Kill myself because I no longer feel my flight or fight response¬ ¬ He also said he's gonna have cops drive past my house a few times a day so if he does show up he might see the police presence and back off. And he said if if he does anything they'll press charges. ¬ Nobody was mean to me. Nobody tried to hurt me.

For once I did as I was told.¬ ¬ It went well. Cop was super nice. Said its sketchy but irs not a typical case. He didn't think I did anything wrong and now I magically don't feel like i have to Kill myself because I no longer feel my flight or fight response¬ ¬ He also said he's gonna have cops drive past my house a few times a day so if he does show up he might see the police presence and back off. And he said if if he does anything they'll press charges. ¬ Nobody was mean to me. Nobody tried to hurt me.