Helping Myself¬ ¬ I find myself on amazon, usually I need to buy something since I never leave my room or go anywhere. After my purchase has been made I sometimes have a little extra. Though it's not very much I find myself wanting to buy something for myself, something I would like and cherish with no idea what that could be. Mindlessly typing “Help Me” in the search bar, unsure what the results would be, yet fully aware it won't be what I am looking for. ¬ I never find what I am looking for yet I look for it. ¬ That is how I stumbled on help . com years ago. A simple google search “Help Me”, led me here. ¬ I have help now. I have crisis counselors I can call 24/7, I have a therapist I can see weekly, I could be seeing a psychiatrist if I chose too, I could get back on my medication, go to DBT, maybe even go back to inpatient, this time all willingly. ¬ Yet I feel more helpless then ever. All this help yet i'm still the same. People expect me to change.¬ In the hospital I was told “Just don't think about dying”, like I had this control that I just don't have. ¬ People tell me “Happiness is a choice”, “Happiness is something you work for”, maybe so..¬ People look at me as assume I am the same. Regardless of how close I was to death the last time, the first words I heard were “When are you going to stop? When is enough, enough? When are you going to end this game?” and my thoughts were not “Gosh I need to stop this and live”. No. My thoughts to the questions were “When i’m dead it stops, its enough when i'm dead, the game is over when i'm dead”. This isn't a game to me. I’m not doing this for anyone other than myself. This isn’t because of something that happened to me either. ¬ I’ve asked god for many years, “Please take me. You can take a child's cancer and give it to me. Give me all the sickness my brother will ever face in his life. I can’t stay here anymore.” But we all know that's not what God does. So I just hoped for so long some kind of natural cause would take me. I stopped wearing my seatbelt in the car just in case we got into a car crash so I could die. But even after a horrible horrible car crash I lived. Bruised with some minor cuts but otherwise fine. Angry I tried to throw myself in the street but my legs shook so bad I fell and a bunch of people didn't let me stand again. Another opportunity to die came when my moms cigarette caused a house fire. It was my room on fire. I got all my cats outside but I planned to run back in the house, lock my door and die in that fire. But the fire was put out before it got that big. Another opportunity for a natural death missed. I got a really bad infection. It was so bad I couldn't walk, i couldn't even stay awake. My mom forced me to go to the ER after a week and they said had I waited one more day I could have died. Another opportunity lost. I got into a four wheeling accident, it's not that deadly I guess but I was going 40 mph when i rolled it with no helmet and I was on gravel, wearing just a skirt and shirt. No leg protection, helmet, or coat. This big grizzly machine crushed my knee and dragged me causing road rash and a knee injury but once again. Still fine.¬ I can't wait anymore. ¬ Every year I regret my choice to stay another year. Every year it seems to get worse. I look for something that I never find. I thought if I raised my cats I would not want to die. But even though one is pregnant I find myself wanting to die STILL. I've tried to find what i'm needing in a lot of animals. Sugar gliders, hamsters, cats, birds, ferrets, rabbits, a dog, even a horse. But I never find it. These Persians are the happiest an animal has made me yet I still am empty. My best friend is also important. All these years that I’ve been MIA he took on the responsibility of ME. All on his own. Do you realize how incredibly challenging that is? You guys are exhausted with me after only a few days. Try being my best friend for 4.com years ago. A simple google search “Help Me”, led me here. ¬ I have help now. I have crisis counselors I can call 24/7, I have a therapist I can see weekly, I could be seeing a psychiatrist if I chose too, I could get back on my medication, go to DBT, maybe even go back to inpatient, this time all willingly. ¬ Yet I feel more helpless then ever. All this help yet i'm still the same. People expect me to change.¬ In the hospital I was told “Just don't think about dying”, like I had this control that I just don't have. ¬ People tell me “Happiness is a choice”, “Happiness is something you work for”, maybe so..¬ People look at me as assume I am the same. Regardless of how close I was to death the last time, the first words I heard were “When are you going to stop? When is enough, enough? When are you going to end this game?” and my thoughts were not “Gosh I need to stop this and live”. No. My thoughts to the questions were “When i’m dead it stops, its enough when i'm dead, the game is over when i'm dead”. This isn't a game to me. I’m not doing this for anyone other than myself. This isn’t because of something that happened to me either. ¬ I’ve asked god for many years, “Please take me. You can take a child's cancer and give it to me. Give me all the sickness my brother will ever face in his life. I can’t stay here anymore.” But we all know that's not what God does. So I just hoped for so long some kind of natural cause would take me. I stopped wearing my seatbelt in the car just in case we got into a car crash so I could die. But even after a horrible horrible car crash I lived. Bruised with some minor cuts but otherwise fine. Angry I tried to throw myself in the street but my legs shook so bad I fell and a bunch of people didn't let me stand again. Another opportunity to die came when my moms cigarette caused a house fire. It was my room on fire. I got all my cats outside but I planned to run back in the house, lock my door and die in that fire. But the fire was put out before it got that big. Another opportunity for a natural death missed. I got a really bad infection. It was so bad I couldn't walk, i couldn't even stay awake. My mom forced me to go to the ER after a week and they said had I waited one more day I could have died. Another opportunity lost. I got into a four wheeling accident, it's not that deadly I guess but I was going 40 mph when i rolled it with no helmet and I was on gravel, wearing just a skirt and shirt. No leg protection, helmet, or coat. This big grizzly machine crushed my knee and dragged me causing road rash and a knee injury but once again. Still fine.¬ I can't wait anymore. ¬ Every year I regret my choice to stay another year. Every year it seems to get worse. I look for something that I never find. I thought if I raised my cats I would not want to die. But even though one is pregnant I find myself wanting to die STILL. I've tried to find what i'm needing in a lot of animals. Sugar gliders, hamsters, cats, birds, ferrets, rabbits, a dog, even a horse. But I never find it. These Persians are the happiest an animal has made me yet I still am empty. My best friend is also important. All these years that I’ve been MIA he took on the responsibility of ME. All on his own. Do you realize how incredibly challenging that is? You guys are exhausted with me after only a few days. Try being my best friend for 4.5 years. He’s done so much for me. But it's hard. Its emotionally taxing. I've put him through a lot. Unaware my mom discovered me unconscious 2 days after an attempt on my life. His last message from me was short but told him what I've done. He mourned me for 10 days convinced I was dead before I was able to tell him I am alive. Once again I feel regret because I did not die and I don't want to hurt him twice. Though truthfully being my friend hurts a lot. It's a hard job that doesn't give days off. ¬ I will never get better because I look for help as though it is an item I can possess. The only person who can help me is myself. Not Amazon, Not Help-QA . com, Not Google, Not Richard, Not Pets, Maybe Money (Kidding). I have to help myself. I have to decide to get better and work to be happy and get better. I have to walk the path alone. I destroyed myself and only I can make it better. But the truth is even though I am fully aware that help must come from myself, I can't help myself. Because I don't want to live. Even if I could work hard and give myself a good life. Its like I don't care and I’m not looking to fight and struggle anymore. Life is a fight and I have no fight in me. I'm all burnt out. Maybe i’m defective. ¬ The argument “Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem” or “The problem doesn't end but my life does” aren't worth the keystrokes. Suicide is a temporary solution if you are trying to kill yourself based on an event you are facing. I’ll admit there are times I want to die because of a bad situation. I’ve acted on it only once. But my desire to die is far deeper than that. My most recent attempt was planned for months and my life was not even bad at the time. I was completely calm and didn't even cry.¬ Everyone says this is a bad moment in time but they are wrong. It has been like this the entirety and it's not about to get better and i’m not gonna base my decision to live or die on a fairy tale idea that someday it will be better. ¬ I am a waste of resources and time. I can't handle things well. Everyone has a hard life. My life isn't any worse than the majority of people. I think death is scary but less scary than life. ¬ I used to be afraid of hell but i’m not anymore. I’ve asked god for forgiveness many times for the way I am and what i’m going to do. I’ve come to the conclusion If i go to hell, I was destined to go there either way. I'm hoping I disappear, like before I was born.¬ ¬ They say “God helps those who help themselves” Which is basically just a way to give god credit for your hard work.com, Not Google, Not Richard, Not Pets, Maybe Money (Kidding). I have to help myself. I have to decide to get better and work to be happy and get better. I have to walk the path alone. I destroyed myself and only I can make it better. But the truth is even though I am fully aware that help must come from myself, I can't help myself. Because I don't want to live. Even if I could work hard and give myself a good life. Its like I don't care and I’m not looking to fight and struggle anymore. Life is a fight and I have no fight in me. I'm all burnt out. Maybe i’m defective. ¬ The argument “Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem” or “The problem doesn't end but my life does” aren't worth the keystrokes. Suicide is a temporary solution if you are trying to kill yourself based on an event you are facing. I’ll admit there are times I want to die because of a bad situation. I’ve acted on it only once. But my desire to die is far deeper than that. My most recent attempt was planned for months and my life was not even bad at the time. I was completely calm and didn't even cry.¬ Everyone says this is a bad moment in time but they are wrong. It has been like this the entirety and it's not about to get better and i’m not gonna base my decision to live or die on a fairy tale idea that someday it will be better. ¬ I am a waste of resources and time. I can't handle things well. Everyone has a hard life. My life isn't any worse than the majority of people. I think death is scary but less scary than life. ¬ I used to be afraid of hell but i’m not anymore. I’ve asked god for forgiveness many times for the way I am and what i’m going to do. I’ve come to the conclusion If i go to hell, I was destined to go there either way. I'm hoping I disappear, like before I was born.¬ ¬ They say “God helps those who help themselves” Which is basically just a way to give god credit for your hard work.

HelpingClose Myself¬ ¬ I find myself on amazon, usually I need to buy something since I never leave my room or go anywhereplease. After my purchase has been made I sometimes have a little extra. Though it's not very much I find myself wanting to buy something for myself, something I would like and cherish with no idea what that could be. Mindlessly typing “Help Me” in the search bar, unsure what the results would be, yet fully aware it won't be what I am looking for. ¬ I never find what I am looking for yet I look for it. ¬ That is how I stumbled on help . com years ago. A simple google search “Help Me”, led me here. ¬ I have help now. I have crisis counselors I can call 24/7, I have a therapist I can see weekly, I could be seeing a psychiatrist if I chose too, I could get back on my medication, go to DBT, maybe even go back to inpatient, this time all willingly. ¬ Yet I feel more helpless then ever. All this help yet i'm still the same. People expect me to change.¬ In the hospital I was told “Just don't think about dying”, like I had this control that I just don't have. ¬ People tell me “Happiness is a choice”, “Happiness is something you work for”, maybe so..¬ People look at me as assume I am the same. Regardless of how close I was to death the last time, the first words I heard were “When are you going to stop? When is enough, enough? When are you going to end this game?” and my thoughts were not “Gosh I need to stop this and live”. No. My thoughts to the questions were “When i’m dead it stops, its enough when i'm dead, the game is over when i'm dead”. This isn't a game to me. I’m not doing this for anyone other than myself. This isn’t because of something that happened to me either. ¬ I’ve asked god for many years, “Please take me. You can take a child's cancer and give it to me. Give me all the sickness my brother will ever face in his life. I can’t stay here anymore.” But we all know that's not what God does. So I just hoped for so long some kind of natural cause would take me. I stopped wearing my seatbelt in the car just in case we got into a car crash so I could die. But even after a horrible horrible car crash I lived. Bruised with some minor cuts but otherwise fine. Angry I tried to throw myself in the street but my legs shook so bad I fell and a bunch of people didn't let me stand again. Another opportunity to die came when my moms cigarette caused a house fire. It was my room on fire. I got all my cats outside but I planned to run back in the house, lock my door and die in that fire. But the fire was put out before it got that big. Another opportunity for a natural death missed. I got a really bad infection. It was so bad I couldn't walk, i couldn't even stay awake. My mom forced me to go to the ER after a week and they said had I waited one more day I could have died. Another opportunity lost. I got into a four wheeling accident, it's not that deadly I guess but I was going 40 mph when i rolled it with no helmet and I was on gravel, wearing just a skirt and shirt. No leg protection, helmet, or coat. This big grizzly machine crushed my knee and dragged me causing road rash and a knee injury but once again. Still fine.¬ I can't wait anymore. ¬ Every year I regret my choice to stay another year. Every year it seems to get worse. I look for something that I never find. I thought if I raised my cats I would not want to die. But even though one is pregnant I find myself wanting to die STILL. I've tried to find what i'm needing in a lot of animals. Sugar gliders, hamsters, cats, birds, ferrets, rabbits, a dog, even a horse. But I never find it. These Persians are the happiest an animal has made me yet I still am empty. My best friend is also important. All these years that I’ve been MIA he took on the responsibility of ME. All on his own. Do you realize how incredibly challenging that is? You guys are exhausted with me after only a few days. Try being my best friend for 4.5 years. He’s done so much for me. But it's hard. Its emotionally taxing. I've put him through a lot. Unaware my mom discovered me unconscious 2 days after an attempt on my life. His last message from me was short but told him what I've done. He mourned me for 10 days convinced I was dead before I was able to tell him I am alive. Once again I feel regret because I did not die and I don't want to hurt him twice. Though truthfully being my friend hurts a lot. It's a hard job that doesn't give days off. ¬ I will never get better because I look for help as though it is an item I can possess. The only person who can help me is myself. Not Amazon, Not Help-QA . com, Not Google, Not Richard, Not Pets, Maybe Money (Kidding). I have to help myself. I have to decide to get better and work to be happy and get better. I have to walk the path alone. I destroyed myself and only I can make it better. But the truth is even though I am fully aware that help must come from myself, I can't help myself. Because I don't want to live. Even if I could work hard and give myself a good life. Its like I don't care and I’m not looking to fight and struggle anymore. Life is a fight and I have no fight in me. I'm all burnt out. Maybe i’m defective. ¬ The argument “Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem” or “The problem doesn't end but my life does” aren't worth the keystrokes. Suicide is a temporary solution if you are trying to kill yourself based on an event you are facing. I’ll admit there are times I want to die because of a bad situation. I’ve acted on it only once. But my desire to die is far deeper than that. My most recent attempt was planned for months and my life was not even bad at the time. I was completely calm and didn't even cry.¬ Everyone says this is a bad moment in time but they are wrong. It has been like this the entirety and it's not about to get better and i’m not gonna base my decision to live or die on a fairy tale idea that someday it will be better. ¬ I am a waste of resources and time. I can't handle things well. Everyone has a hard life. My life isn't any worse than the majority of people. I think death is scary but less scary than life. ¬ I used to be afraid of hell but i’m not anymore. I’ve asked god for forgiveness many times for the way I am and what i’m going to do. I’ve come to the conclusion If i go to hell, I was destined to go there either way. I'm hoping I disappear, like before I was born.¬ ¬ They say “God helps those who help themselves” Which is basically just a way to give god credit for your hard work.Xhxh