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20181121 142229
Cregyn
last online: 01/07, 18:55
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How can I accept my daughter's boyfriend?

He is much older than her, and the relationship began in one the worst ways; lots of lies on the part of my daughter..

But despite this, and the distance they face, living thousands of miles away in two different continents, the relationship survived for the past 8 years!

He is due to come here to visit her for the first time this weekend. She had been to see him twice before covid started.

Now, how can I deal with all the anger and hatred I have towards him? I can't even imagine to meet him without beathing the living daylight out of him.. I think he's just been taking an advantage of my daughter. (maybe I'm wrong?)

Any advice, please?

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Padre_J_Roulston
last online: 07/29, 18:58
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There is always the old adage that 'age is just a number.' Which I think is true.

However, if this relationship has been going on for eight years, and this is not the first meeting they've had... I don't know whether it is your place to accept this person or not.
I would say that your place would be to accept and support your daughter. No matter her choices.

There comes a time, when we have to let our kids fly. They have to make their own choices and learn from their mistakes.
Give your daughter your thoughts and opinions. Then let her make her choices, and support her decisions.

At most you have to be is cordial with him. You don't have to like or love him. All you have to do is love and support your daughter.

20181121 142229
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Cregyn
last online: 01/07, 18:55
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Thank you, Padre_J_Roulston, I agree with you, good points. She knows my views about him, and she is still choosing him, so I should support her. Will have to pray to do just that when he comes.

Padre_J_Roulston wrote:
There is always the old adage that 'age is just a number.' Which I think is true.

Maybe I should have written that my daughter is 21 now. So, substract 8 from her age, and he was 28 when they met!! Is the age still just a number in that case? :(

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Padre_J_Roulston
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Age is still a number... But that does beg the question as to the nature of the relationship. When they first met in person, etc. Should the police be involved based on age, etc.

However, if things were done, where she was an adult when first meeting in person... as distasteful as it may be, I think you are still left with loving and supporting your daughter.

20181121 142229
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Cregyn
last online: 01/07, 18:55
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Padre_J_Roulston wrote:
Age is still a number... But that does beg the question as to the nature of the relationship. When they first met in person, etc. Should the police be involved based on age, etc.

However, if things were done, where she was an adult when first meeting in person... as distasteful as it may be, I think you are still left with loving and supporting your daughter.

In person they met when she was 18. Despite that, from the legal point, the police could have been still involved due to the online activities, and she is very well aware of it.

I am extremely anxious and stressed from meeting him, he is due to stay four weeks, but am honestly trying my best to act in the best interest of my daughter, and may the Almighty help me with that.

But thanks for your reply, Padre_J_Roulston; it is helping me to preserve my sanity.

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Padre_J_Roulston
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I'm glad I could help in whatever small way I can.

If you need to talk more feel free to reach out.

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Araz
last online: 12/14, 0:56
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I know this is an older post but can I just say that it’s disgusting that a 28 year old was chatting up a 13 year old online? Have I understood the age difference correctly, here?

What could a 28 year old grown man have in common with a 13 year old child?

So she’s 21 and he’s 36 now? I’m 35 years old. I have nothing in common with 21 year olds.

Age isn’t just a number with these kinds of gaps. He “groomed” her from a young age. It’s, quite frankly, criminal.

I don’t think you should accept him, nor would I let him stay with me for a single night, but this post was from awhile ago, so I’m sure your situation has changed as he’s probably currently staying with you.

Good luck.

20181121 142229
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Cregyn
last online: 01/07, 18:55
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Hi @Araz, thanks for your post. You are right about the age difference. And I agree with you, I work with children, I know my safeguarding.. They met in an online gaming platform; and it was a game for kids!

However, my daughter is at fault as well, as she lied to him about her age when she was 13, she told him she was 16. Still, even then it was 12 year difference between them even if that was true and that was a children's game. I do think he was 'grooming' her as well.

Now, my daughter has a computer science related education, and she studied software engineering since she was 15, so I am sure she was taught all these safeguarding issues from at least 15. I did talk to her about things well before that, but sadly, she never listens to me..

Anyway, he is now gone, left a week ago. He stayed with my daughter as we do not live with her together, but we live very close to each other.

I did meet him on Christmas day, and managed not to murder him, it being a Christmas day and all, I resisted, lol.

No, it was very hard. He arrived a week before Christmas, and my daughter just stopped communicating with me. I understood that they saw each other for the first time after 2.5 years, that she did not want to 'waste' time with me. But I'm not used to that; I brought her on my own since she was 3.5.

I had a dilemma wether to lecture him, question him, shame, guilt, or worse, but my daughter was so happy like probably never in her life, so I did not want to spoil it for her. She cried for many days after he left, and is still not stable enough for me to talk to her about the situation, so I'm just giving her time.

He is extremely immature for his age, still living with his mother, and never lived apart from her. He is still a serious gamer, and he is also a software engineer, so I am not sure if my daughter's choice was influenced by him, and her addiction with gaming, or they really just 'found each other'.

I did not know about him until she was 18. Prior to that she told me that the guy who she was chatting to was from her school. I did wonder why she never brings him home, or meets him after school, but she did have a severe social anxiety, and did not even go to school for six months at some point due to the anxiety, so I thought she was not seeing him in person because of that. Which I was quite pleased, actually. I though she was safer that way..

So, don't know. My daughter has always been an extremely obedient daughter, hard working at school, and now in her job, a perfectionist.. She never ever did anything else that would worry me etc. She's alwaays had a tendency to lie, like her father, sadly. I did not realise just how serious her lies can be until she admitted the truth about the guy. I'm not happy about them being together, but I do really want her to be happy. And if it is indeed love and happiness what is between them, then may it be blessed, but I'm not convinced it is from his side..

(sorry long reply!)

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Araz
last online: 12/14, 0:56
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I’m going to start off by saying - no apologies for long replies! Ever! That just means you gave me a whole lot of clarification 😊

You are such a good parent. You did everything you possibly could to protect your daughter. You didn’t know, how could you? She lied - and I was under the very mistaken impression that you were aware of what was happening at an earlier age. I apologize for that assumption.

Honestly, I think you’re going about it the right way. I really respect you as a person and a parent. Sometimes… you just have to let your kids make the mistakes they will. Maybe she will meet someone else as she grows and matures. She may legally be an adult, but she is very much a child in some aspects (crying when he leaves, lying, etc.)

Has your daughter been to therapy? I’ve been going and it has helped me tremendously. But forced therapy doesn’t work - you have to want to change and my therapist “keeps it real” as do I lol. Which means sessions can get tough.

I want to reiterate how much I respect all that you do for your daughter, how much you love her, and everything you’ve done.

Parental guilt is a thing, but you’re not omniscient. You provided her with the tools to be strong and independent. At the very least, she will not be financially abused and she has autonomy since he lives far from her.

You’ve better than a lot of two parent households.

Deep breaths, hopefully you won’t have to see him again for awhile! Continue to nurture your relationship with your daughter. She may stay with him for too long, but honestly, I think once she starts to really grow up (for me, it was my mid to late 20s) she will leave him.

20181121 142229
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Cregyn
last online: 01/07, 18:55
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Thanks for your kind comments, @Araz. Being a single parent is quite challenging, so a positive remrk like yours is a confidence booster.x

My daughter did (finally) recognise that she had a few issues to work through, and found herself a therapist with whom she was initially very happy. But after about a year, the effect of the therapy completely deteriorated, and she found herself going to the therapy for the therapist, rather than for herself! She was unable to quit, basically, although it became less than helpful.

In our area it is quite challenging to find a therapist to meet in person, but in all these technological advances of being able to access therapy online, hopefully she will find the right person soon. Maybe that is my next hope for her to recognize what an appropriate partner is.. [but feeling like being a hypocrite here, having fallen for the worst possible guys myself in the past.. but none of them of this age gap though! O:) ]

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