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How can I accept my daughter's boyfriend?

written () ago

He is much older than her, and the relationship began in one the worst ways; lots of lies on the part of my daughter..

Housemate trouble

written () ago

After three months living here, one of my 7 housemates found out that I have a daughter almost his age. Since then he turned hostile..

Home network safety in a share house

written () ago

I live with up to 5 other housemates when the house is full. A few weeks ago I got a notification from a social networking site that someone logged in into it and the IP address they reported was for my house, and it was a different browser to what I ever used. I was not using that social networking site at that moment.

Hatred Diary II - PD

written () ago

..'You are not important'

Help me with..

written () ago

Iphone, please.

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Cregyn's Top (5) Replies by other users' votes
the new me ow.

So, sorry to learn about your health issues, NacthoMan, and the impact not only on your finances, but your whole lifestyle.

I can relate as my daughter's had various health issues for well over a decade, and I work with kids with various health issues, disabilities, and autism etc.

I have to admit that I find it much harder to deal with my own daughter's disabilities than those of the kids at work. I have plenty of patients at work, but with my own daughter I struggle to have enough patience for all the adjustments that impact our lives daily. And it is much harder to watch own child suffer, being constantly in pain etc.

I do hope that you will have enough support, NacthoMan, and depending which diabetes you have, although inconvenient, it can be managed by food pretty well. Counting carbs is a burden, but it will get easier as you will get to know the food, and it will become your second nature.

Hope you will adjust well, and will be able to stay positive for the future.

Working with kids with so many health issues, was extremely rewarding for me and humbling as well. I've looked after a boy who had been fighting a brain tumour for over 5 years! It returned three times within that period in different parts of his brain.

It affected him in every way you can think of. After the first surgery, although successfuly removing the tumour, left him without the ability to walk, to talk, or to swallow. It also affected his sight, and hearing. He ended up in a wheelchair, communicating through sign language, being fed by a tube, on chemo for years, and the boy did not complain once!!! He was so amazing always considering other people and their feelings, often putting others before him, and always full of joy and making jokes. He touched lives of everyone who encountered him. So, it is possible to shine through impossible as this boy's proven; hope you will, too.
All the best x

- written - voted for by NacthoMan
What bits of wisdom has life taught you?

Hope for the best, but be prepared for the worst :))

It's not work hard, play hard..
It's work smarter, play crazier.. ;)

2019 Avoid Negative People
2020 Avoid Positive People
2021 Avoid People x

- written - voted for by smiley
For those of you on mental health medication...

I have never taken any meds for my mental health for the same reason. The side effects, and tiredness, outweigh the benefits, but for some people some meds work.

My daughter takes meds for her anxiety, especially when she has a panic attack, and those do work. Perhaps you should ask in a forum that specializes on depression; people there will have more experience with meds and side effects.

I do hope you will find the right solution soon. Battling depression is tough.

What helped me to stop depression some decade ago, was a Biblical Counselling book by Ed Welsh - Depression, Looking Up from the Stubborn Darkness.

- written - voted for by noonelikesaknowitall
Hatred Diary II - PD

Oh, thank you, @BA1 xx

i don't know what happened to the links, and honestly I don't remember what they were exactly.. I can't view them now either. Something along the lines of narcissists and freedom after dating them.

And thank you, i just needed to get the pain out of me..
Sorry, you had a similar experience lately :(

I hope i won't fall for another narcissist ever again.. but that never ever worked with me; so probably i'll be pouring my pain out some time again. But wish you all the best, and hope you will have that 'happily ever after' soon.. x

I'm a loner, but stupidly always think that im not and try again..

PS: Hope this one works -

- written - voted for by BA1

i don't understand politics.. but if it is true, then it does not look good.. :/

- written - voted for by BA1
Last 5 Replies - All 117 Replies ยป
In a Bind

I think I understand the situation you are in, and I am really sorry that you have to deal with it on the top.

It is a tricky situation. You can talk to the HR and see what they will suggest. I am not exactly certain what laws are in your country, harrasment, bullying, unfair treatment etc. And going that route will likely not be easy. There also might be a union that you could consult or some free citizen advice agency?

There are books/online resources on this topic, you might wish to consult them, like bullying in the workplace etc. Also, you might like to review 'dealing with toxic people' kind of resources, if the problem is reoccurring. You can learn to be more assertive, enforce boundaries, but that can also have limits, as if the bullies will be unable to find another target, they will probably just step up the game?

This situation would require lots of support for you, lots of strenght, and wisdom. Is leaving an option?

I wish I had more advise to offer as I continually find myself in similar situations, but can elaborate on any topic from what I have already suggested if of any help.

Hope you will find the right solution soon, @NacthoMan

- written
How can I accept my daughter's boyfriend?

Thanks for your kind comments, @Araz. Being a single parent is quite challenging, so a positive remrk like yours is a confidence booster.x

My daughter did (finally) recognise that she had a few issues to work through, and found herself a therapist with whom she was initially very happy. But after about a year, the effect of the therapy completely deteriorated, and she found herself going to the therapy for the therapist, rather than for herself! She was unable to quit, basically, although it became less than helpful.

In our area it is quite challenging to find a therapist to meet in person, but in all these technological advances of being able to access therapy online, hopefully she will find the right person soon. Maybe that is my next hope for her to recognize what an appropriate partner is.. [but feeling like being a hypocrite here, having fallen for the worst possible guys myself in the past.. but none of them of this age gap though! O:) ]

- written
How can I accept my daughter's boyfriend?

Hi @Araz, thanks for your post. You are right about the age difference. And I agree with you, I work with children, I know my safeguarding.. They met in an online gaming platform; and it was a game for kids!

However, my daughter is at fault as well, as she lied to him about her age when she was 13, she told him she was 16. Still, even then it was 12 year difference between them even if that was true and that was a children's game. I do think he was 'grooming' her as well.

Now, my daughter has a computer science related education, and she studied software engineering since she was 15, so I am sure she was taught all these safeguarding issues from at least 15. I did talk to her about things well before that, but sadly, she never listens to me..

Anyway, he is now gone, left a week ago. He stayed with my daughter as we do not live with her together, but we live very close to each other.

I did meet him on Christmas day, and managed not to murder him, it being a Christmas day and all, I resisted, lol.

No, it was very hard. He arrived a week before Christmas, and my daughter just stopped communicating with me. I understood that they saw each other for the first time after 2.5 years, that she did not want to 'waste' time with me. But I'm not used to that; I brought her on my own since she was 3.5.

I had a dilemma wether to lecture him, question him, shame, guilt, or worse, but my daughter was so happy like probably never in her life, so I did not want to spoil it for her. She cried for many days after he left, and is still not stable enough for me to talk to her about the situation, so I'm just giving her time.

He is extremely immature for his age, still living with his mother, and never lived apart from her. He is still a serious gamer, and he is also a software engineer, so I am not sure if my daughter's choice was influenced by him, and her addiction with gaming, or they really just 'found each other'.

I did not know about him until she was 18. Prior to that she told me that the guy who she was chatting to was from her school. I did wonder why she never brings him home, or meets him after school, but she did have a severe social anxiety, and did not even go to school for six months at some point due to the anxiety, so I thought she was not seeing him in person because of that. Which I was quite pleased, actually. I though she was safer that way..

So, don't know. My daughter has always been an extremely obedient daughter, hard working at school, and now in her job, a perfectionist.. She never ever did anything else that would worry me etc. She's alwaays had a tendency to lie, like her father, sadly. I did not realise just how serious her lies can be until she admitted the truth about the guy. I'm not happy about them being together, but I do really want her to be happy. And if it is indeed love and happiness what is between them, then may it be blessed, but I'm not convinced it is from his side..

(sorry long reply!)

- written
so anyone still here?
How can I accept my daughter's boyfriend?

Padre_J_Roulston wrote:
Age is still a number... But that does beg the question as to the nature of the relationship. When they first met in person, etc. Should the police be involved based on age, etc.

However, if things were done, where she was an adult when first meeting in person... as distasteful as it may be, I think you are still left with loving and supporting your daughter.

In person they met when she was 18. Despite that, from the legal point, the police could have been still involved due to the online activities, and she is very well aware of it.

I am extremely anxious and stressed from meeting him, he is due to stay four weeks, but am honestly trying my best to act in the best interest of my daughter, and may the Almighty help me with that.

But thanks for your reply, Padre_J_Roulston; it is helping me to preserve my sanity.

- written
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