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Sometimes I miss when it was bad.

Sometimes I miss when I wasn't on any medications and my mental illness was really at its peak. I miss being sad and depressed. I miss self harm. I miss people worrying about me. I miss when I was so bad that my friends would check in on me on a daily basis to make sure I hadn't killed myself after my latest breakdown. I hate that I feel this way. I'm so glad to be (mostly) stable but sometimes I miss being broken. I romanticized it to myself so much at the time and I clearly still do. Broken felt beautiful for so long and now I don't know how to feel beautiful whole.

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Since writing this post Anonymous may have helped people, but has not within the last four (4) days.
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Anonymous
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(2 hours after post)
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I can understand that. And relate. I’m stable now, but sometimes I wish the gut feeling and being able to just shut myself down in a dark place and run away from “something”.

It sounds so odd. I think you nailed it by saying it’s romanticized. I miss it sometimes. But overall I know my life is much better now.

Helpcomanimatedyetiwithdot256
(15 hours after post)
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Would you say your yearning is more directed at your erst personality, or the interactions engendered by your demeanour? Or neither?

I'd say neither are completely lost, merely dormant or set aside. From what I've seen, it's difficult to attain such daily commitment in the long term. You might have to state the requirement. Mayhap initiate & reciprocate a great deal yourself. You can be stable and still have needs.

Help me with:

[quote]Test.[/quote]

Img 2679
(15 hours after post)
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I think that kind of attitude is supported by a lot in our society, 13 reasons why being a prime example. Ultimately it's so incredibly harmful to everyone though, not just you. I think as you get stronger like you are now, you make the people around you stronger and safer too, and that's important. It's easy to wallow and reinforce depression with sad music and personal drama or self hateful thoughts, and hard to escape, but so so worth it. You might miss some of the attention, that's totally understandable, but you'll come to realize that it wasn't the right kind of attention, it's like how you can feed your body with junk food to stay alive or eat your veggies.

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