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savanna.017
last online: 04/18, 15:18
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I am breaking all of my ties

There is a cycle that is my depression, my truest, lowest moment.. and I am in it. First is restlessness. To fix it I push for change. I embrace it. I try so hard to make it work because I'm worried of what happens next. I care. I will do anything, work harder than anything, because this is a passion. But it is a delusion.. and there is always a wall. Always that wall that I cannot overcome. And I pound and I scream and I try.. and my fists just end up bloody. Then is sit in a pool of my own blood and look around, seeing the delusion for what it is. It is all just broken. So I weep, and I mourn. I cry untill there aren't tears. Then I just feel nothing. Numb. So I lay in bed longer than I should. I stay up with insomnia, writing. My thoughts scream but I'm silent. I've simply stopped talking. It's difficult to follow a conversation because I am pondering the meaning of life while you are talking about your day. I'm thinking about how broken it is. How broken I am. Why am I here? Why am I trying? Why did I ever care. Not about you.. but about this. Why am I even alive? Do I want to be?

Thats not the end of the cycle.. That question is the line that I will always cross.. because I am broken.. and it doesn't exist. Then every morning is: Do I want to be alive? And the answer is no. Then comes pain. Pain that I almost forgot existed. Pain that I tried so hard to prevent. So I sit in the dark with it. And I realize that I broke this life.

Then there is the urge to run. Cut all your ties and run. It is not a matter of grass, but that on the other side is change. If I have reached my absolute lowest why wouldn't I want change? Different people. Different opportunities. Different life. But is this life broken or am I? Or do I stay and try to fix it?

I just got in a fight with my boyfriend on a drive to have dinner with his parents and they are celebrating it as Thanksgiving. I just drove away. After I was going to meet my friend for a movie but she is also his sister and the whole family will be there, so thats not happening either. I keep trying to make cups but all i do is throw them on the ground when I've finished. If I try paint I'll probably just set the canvas on fire. So i guess I will just lay in the dark and not move. Because the next part of the spiral is volatile, self destructive.

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Since writing this post savanna.017 may have helped people, but has not within the last four (4) days.
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life, change, dark, broken, lay
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savanna.017 edited this post .

I am breaking all of my ties¬ ¬ There is a cycle that is my depression, my truest, lowest moment.. and I am in it. FistFirst is restlessness. To fix it I push for change. I embrace it. I try so hard to make it work because I'm worried of what happens next. I care. I will do anything, work harder than anything, because this is a passion. But it is a delusion.. and there is always a wall. Always that wall that I cannot overcome. And I pound and I scream and I try.. and my fists just end up bloody. Then is sit in a pool of my own blood and look around, seeing the delusion for what it is. It is all just broken. So I weep, and I mourn. I cry untill there aren't tears. Then I just feel nothing. Numb. So I lay in bed longer than I should. I stay up with insomnia, writing. My thoughts scream but I'm silent. I've simply stopped talking. It's difficult to follow a conversation because I am pondering the meaning of life while you are talking about your day. I'm thinking about how broken it is. How broken I am. Why am I here? Why am I trying? Why did I ever care. Not about you.. but about this. Why am I even alive? Do I want to be?¬ ¬ Thats not the end of the cycle.. That question is the line that I will always cross.. because I am broken.. and it doesn't exist. Then every morning is: Do I want to be alive? And the answer is no. Then comes pain. Pain that I almost forgot existed. Pain that I tried so hard to prevent. So I sit in the dark with it. And I realize that I broke this life. ¬ ¬ Then there is the urge to run. Cut all your ties and run. It is not a matter of grass, but that on the other side is change. If I have reached my absolute lowest why wouldn't I want change? Different people. Different opportunities. Different life. But is this life broken or am I? ¬ ¬ I just got in a fight with my boyfriend on a drive to have dinner with his parents and they are celebrating it as Thanksgiving. I just drove away. After I was going to meet my friend for a movie but she is also his sister and the whole family will be there, so thats not happening either. I keep trying to make cups but all i do is throw them on the ground when I've finished. If I try paint I'll probably just set the canvas on fire. So i guess I will just lay in the dark and not move. Because the next part of the spiral is volatile, self destructive.

savanna.017 edited this post .

I am breaking all of my ties¬ ¬ There is a cycle that is my depression, my truest, lowest moment.. and I am in it. First is restlessness. To fix it I push for change. I embrace it. I try so hard to make it work because I'm worried of what happens next. I care. I will do anything, work harder than anything, because this is a passion. But it is a delusion.. and there is always a wall. Always that wall that I cannot overcome. And I pound and I scream and I try.. and my fists just end up bloody. Then is sit in a pool of my own blood and look around, seeing the delusion for what it is. It is all just broken. So I weep, and I mourn. I cry untill there aren't tears. Then I just feel nothing. Numb. So I lay in bed longer than I should. I stay up with insomnia, writing. My thoughts scream but I'm silent. I've simply stopped talking. It's difficult to follow a conversation because I am pondering the meaning of life while you are talking about your day. I'm thinking about how broken it is. How broken I am. Why am I here? Why am I trying? Why did I ever care. Not about you.. but about this. Why am I even alive? Do I want to be?¬ ¬ Thats not the end of the cycle.. That question is the line that I will always cross.. because I am broken.. and it doesn't exist. Then every morning is: Do I want to be alive? And the answer is no. Then comes pain. Pain that I almost forgot existed. Pain that I tried so hard to prevent. So I sit in the dark with it. And I realize that I broke this life. ¬ ¬ Then there is the urge to run. Cut all your ties and run. It is not a matter of grass, but that on the other side is change. If I have reached my absolute lowest why wouldn't I want change? Different people. Different opportunities. Different life. But is this life broken or am I? ¬ ¬ ? Or do I stay and try to fix it?¬ ¬ I just got in a fight with my boyfriend on a drive to have dinner with his parents and they are celebrating it as Thanksgiving. I just drove away. After I was going to meet my friend for a movie but she is also his sister and the whole family will be there, so thats not happening either. I keep trying to make cups but all i do is throw them on the ground when I've finished. If I try paint I'll probably just set the canvas on fire. So i guess I will just lay in the dark and not move. Because the next part of the spiral is volatile, self destructive.

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verge
last online: 03/08, 18:09
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I hope you find the strength to be kind to yourself.

Electric
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last online: 01/25, 20:20
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You need a vacation.
Go home.

Yorick
Yorick
last online: 02/28, 23:53
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sounds like your'e very young hun. nows a perfect time to stop thinking with ur heart and use ur head..whadda i know right.. but i dont blame you.. youth really dictates our emotions till we find ourselves wiser.

A
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