HelpQA Tags Search FAQ
Start a New Post Chat Login & Registration
55632833 846413235699827 5993681566566449152 n
savanna.017
last online: 04/18, 15:18
Verified User (6 years, 8 months)
Long Term User
Shoutout0

I am breaking all of my ties

There is a cycle that is my depression, my truest, lowest moment.. and I am in it. First is restlessness. To fix it I push for change. I embrace it. I try so hard to make it work because I'm worried of what happens next. I care. I will do anything, work harder than anything, because this is a passion. But it is a delusion.. and there is always a wall. Always that wall that I cannot overcome. And I pound and I scream and I try.. and my fists just end up bloody. Then is sit in a pool of my own blood and look around, seeing the delusion for what it is. It is all just broken. So I weep, and I mourn. I cry untill there aren't tears. Then I just feel nothing. Numb. So I lay in bed longer than I should. I stay up with insomnia, writing. My thoughts scream but I'm silent. I've simply stopped talking. It's difficult to follow a conversation because I am pondering the meaning of life while you are talking about your day. I'm thinking about how broken it is. How broken I am. Why am I here? Why am I trying? Why did I ever care. Not about you.. but about this. Why am I even alive? Do I want to be?

Thats not the end of the cycle.. That question is the line that I will always cross.. because I am broken.. and it doesn't exist. Then every morning is: Do I want to be alive? And the answer is no. Then comes pain. Pain that I almost forgot existed. Pain that I tried so hard to prevent. So I sit in the dark with it. And I realize that I broke this life.

Then there is the urge to run. Cut all your ties and run. It is not a matter of grass, but that on the other side is change. If I have reached my absolute lowest why wouldn't I want change? Different people. Different opportunities. Different life. But is this life broken or am I? Or do I stay and try to fix it?

I just got in a fight with my boyfriend on a drive to have dinner with his parents and they are celebrating it as Thanksgiving. I just drove away. After I was going to meet my friend for a movie but she is also his sister and the whole family will be there, so thats not happening either. I keep trying to make cups but all i do is throw them on the ground when I've finished. If I try paint I'll probably just set the canvas on fire. So i guess I will just lay in the dark and not move. Because the next part of the spiral is volatile, self destructive.

This open post was written |
Views: 30, Subscribers: 4 |
Leave a reply | Report Post

⇩ Zoom to bottom
Reciprocity (0)
Reciprocity
Since writing this post savanna.017 may have helped people, but has not within the last four (4) days.
Post Tags (5)
life, change, dark, broken, lay
Replies (4)
Helpbot
HelpBot
last online: 11/12, 21:32
Verified User (8 years, 2 months)
Long Term User
Shoutout0
#
(0 minutes after post)
Suicide Prevention Lifeline

If you are contemplating suicide, hurting yourself, or you are seriously depressed: please, seek professional help!

Call this hotline (1-800-273-8255) operated by our friends at the Suicide Prevention Lifeline, anytime, for free, professional, and confidential assistance. While other Helpers are likely to reply to your post, please make sure you understand that your use of Help-QA.com falls under our TOS.

Note: I'm a robot that the Help-QA creators programmed. If this response is in error, I apologize, please ignore it.

savanna.017 edited this post .

I am breaking all of my ties¬ ¬ There is a cycle that is my depression, my truest, lowest moment.. and I am in it. FistFirst is restlessness. To fix it I push for change. I embrace it. I try so hard to make it work because I'm worried of what happens next. I care. I will do anything, work harder than anything, because this is a passion. But it is a delusion.. and there is always a wall. Always that wall that I cannot overcome. And I pound and I scream and I try.. and my fists just end up bloody. Then is sit in a pool of my own blood and look around, seeing the delusion for what it is. It is all just broken. So I weep, and I mourn. I cry untill there aren't tears. Then I just feel nothing. Numb. So I lay in bed longer than I should. I stay up with insomnia, writing. My thoughts scream but I'm silent. I've simply stopped talking. It's difficult to follow a conversation because I am pondering the meaning of life while you are talking about your day. I'm thinking about how broken it is. How broken I am. Why am I here? Why am I trying? Why did I ever care. Not about you.. but about this. Why am I even alive? Do I want to be?¬ ¬ Thats not the end of the cycle.. That question is the line that I will always cross.. because I am broken.. and it doesn't exist. Then every morning is: Do I want to be alive? And the answer is no. Then comes pain. Pain that I almost forgot existed. Pain that I tried so hard to prevent. So I sit in the dark with it. And I realize that I broke this life. ¬ ¬ Then there is the urge to run. Cut all your ties and run. It is not a matter of grass, but that on the other side is change. If I have reached my absolute lowest why wouldn't I want change? Different people. Different opportunities. Different life. But is this life broken or am I? ¬ ¬ I just got in a fight with my boyfriend on a drive to have dinner with his parents and they are celebrating it as Thanksgiving. I just drove away. After I was going to meet my friend for a movie but she is also his sister and the whole family will be there, so thats not happening either. I keep trying to make cups but all i do is throw them on the ground when I've finished. If I try paint I'll probably just set the canvas on fire. So i guess I will just lay in the dark and not move. Because the next part of the spiral is volatile, self destructive.

savanna.017 edited this post .

I am breaking all of my ties¬ ¬ There is a cycle that is my depression, my truest, lowest moment.. and I am in it. First is restlessness. To fix it I push for change. I embrace it. I try so hard to make it work because I'm worried of what happens next. I care. I will do anything, work harder than anything, because this is a passion. But it is a delusion.. and there is always a wall. Always that wall that I cannot overcome. And I pound and I scream and I try.. and my fists just end up bloody. Then is sit in a pool of my own blood and look around, seeing the delusion for what it is. It is all just broken. So I weep, and I mourn. I cry untill there aren't tears. Then I just feel nothing. Numb. So I lay in bed longer than I should. I stay up with insomnia, writing. My thoughts scream but I'm silent. I've simply stopped talking. It's difficult to follow a conversation because I am pondering the meaning of life while you are talking about your day. I'm thinking about how broken it is. How broken I am. Why am I here? Why am I trying? Why did I ever care. Not about you.. but about this. Why am I even alive? Do I want to be?¬ ¬ Thats not the end of the cycle.. That question is the line that I will always cross.. because I am broken.. and it doesn't exist. Then every morning is: Do I want to be alive? And the answer is no. Then comes pain. Pain that I almost forgot existed. Pain that I tried so hard to prevent. So I sit in the dark with it. And I realize that I broke this life. ¬ ¬ Then there is the urge to run. Cut all your ties and run. It is not a matter of grass, but that on the other side is change. If I have reached my absolute lowest why wouldn't I want change? Different people. Different opportunities. Different life. But is this life broken or am I? ¬ ¬ ? Or do I stay and try to fix it?¬ ¬ I just got in a fight with my boyfriend on a drive to have dinner with his parents and they are celebrating it as Thanksgiving. I just drove away. After I was going to meet my friend for a movie but she is also his sister and the whole family will be there, so thats not happening either. I keep trying to make cups but all i do is throw them on the ground when I've finished. If I try paint I'll probably just set the canvas on fire. So i guess I will just lay in the dark and not move. Because the next part of the spiral is volatile, self destructive.

Img 2679
verge
last online: 03/08, 18:09
Verified User (7 years, 1 month)
Long Term User
Shoutout0
#
(4 hours after post)
Quote this reply Report this reply to moderators

I hope you find the strength to be kind to yourself.

Electric
BA1
last online: 01/25, 20:20
Verified User (7 years, 1 month)
Long Term User
Shoutout0
#
(8 hours after post)
Quote this reply Report this reply to moderators

You need a vacation.
Go home.

Yorick
Yorick
last online: 02/28, 23:53
Verified User (7 years, 1 month)
Long Term User
Shoutout0
#
(4 days after post)
Quote this reply Report this reply to moderators

sounds like your'e very young hun. nows a perfect time to stop thinking with ur heart and use ur head..whadda i know right.. but i dont blame you.. youth really dictates our emotions till we find ourselves wiser.

A
⇧ Zoom to top

Help-QA supports basic Markdown, emoji 😁, and tagging friends with @username!

To use this site you must be 13 years or older and occasionally submit your email address. Your email address is only shared with your explicit permission.

Home Page - Privacy Policy - Terms of Service - Feedback