A woman could healthily have kids well into her 40's or later even, if her body allows. I have a 2 year old daughter and I turned 35 a few months ago. I don't feel too old to have had a baby in my 30s. Most people are waiting longer now it seems. It depends on the person though I guess. A really great point to make with her about better health and fitness is that she is much more likely to have healthy pregnancies if she is in the best health possible. Massive weight gain during pregnancy doesn't have to happen and it's not healthy either.

You sound pretty down about it a couple times in your post and I feel for you. I can say from all of my negative relationship experience, I have primarily learned that no one is perfect, because perfection doesn't exist and you cant truly change or control anyone but yourself.

Also, I dont know if youre aware, but men can also have postpartum depression apparently. You said your daughter is a year and a half and youve been having issues the last year and a half so it might be something to consider and look into. Having kids turns your world upside down, whether youre male or female. There's definitely an adjustment period, with every kid you have. That's why I suggested figuring this out before bringing more kids into the marriage. Good luck with everything! 😊

Haha ok, winning over here. I'll take it. The funny thing is I've never been married! I've been in a serious long term relationship and I got 3 kids out of it but it was also such a disaster at times, marriage wasn't even a consideration for me. I just couldn't imagine locking myself down for life when I wasn't 100% sure. But that's an issue in itself.

All Im saying is you are where you are and all you can do is take responsibility for you, and your child of course. Thats true for everyone and its a hard pill to swallow but it also relieves you of the burden of feeling responsible for everything. Her fitness level isnt your job and if it is that important to you and not her, more cracks will likely only develop over time. For so many reasons I would hold off on more kids for the near future. Focus on getting back into shape. You'll feel a million times better and probably have a more positive outlook on the whole situation as a result. Your action will also hopefully inspire her to do the same. If it doesn't you need to seriously consider what you want long-term and be honest with yourself and her.

Im glad Lano asked that. I had assumed already that a lack of attraction was some part of it. I think thats a big motivator for a lot of people, both genders, but definitely more for men. As far as it being a goal, everyone hopes to attract attractive people and have relations with them, but thats more of a short- term goal right, not like a long- term life goal?

I've always assumed and hope that when two people take the step of making a lifelong commitment to each other, that they have considered the possibility of their partner as well as themselves changing at some point, for better or worse. I guess thats why I think 20's is too young to marry. Im not sure most people that age are considering all of the possibilities and whether they're actually prepared and committed enough to deal with them. That's where the commitment and love part really come in, when the unexpected happens or things go wrong.

You've both dropped the ball here it sounds like, honestly. You knew you weren't marrying a fitness fanatic but I guess were hoping things would change? I really think you should start with yourself, fixing the things you're not happy with that you can change. You're the only person you can truly control so focus on that. You should also make very clear in the kindest, most loving and respectful way possible what you are attracted to and this "goal" you have for your life. Maybe don't use the term goal though. 😄 I hope the goal really is to be healthy and happy and to live a full and passionate life with the person you chose to do life with in the first place. If it is then being honest with her, supportive of her and setting a good example (taking personal responsibility) with fitness is the best thing you can do and if she really wants the same, then she'll get on board. Everything else will follow.

Well I was thinking after I wrote my last reply, it is also not every man's purpose and aspiration to work all day and provide for other people. At some point the conversation about who would do what once children came along was had? She had career aspirations once so Im sure she still does, but maybe she also wanted the full experience of raising a baby, it is her first after all.

I can say for myself, the novelty of being a stay at home mom pretty much wore off after the first one, and definitely after the second. Once youre outnumbered and realize youre no Mary Poppins, its not all that fun. Babies do sleep a lot the first year though so Im sure she's had some time to herself, especially if she's not doing much cooking or cleaning. Its possible she's in a funk of her own. The way a woman is checked for postpartum depression is by being asked a few questions about how she's feeling and her recent thoughts. Maybe she's not telling everything? Its completely normal to not feel like yourself for a good year or two after having a baby. Socializing, exercising and maybe even meds could help with that.

I think the only way to get to the bottom of the issues is by talking through them, honestly but respectfully. I do think its a very young age to get married and start a family. Its rare for a person to know exactly what they want for the rest of their life at that age. People mature and change, sometimes drastically. Sometimes they go backwards! You may both wind up wanting very different lives and be unable to find a compromise. You wouldn't want more kids that could potentially affect. I would say definitely hold off on more kids right now. Once your daughter is a toddler, there will be far fewer opportunities to sit on the phone. You'll probably be more active as a family then.

Right now everyone is kind of trapped at home anyway aren't they? Im sure that has a lot to do with this as well. I dont think people fully realize the long term mental impact of all the shutdowns and isolating. But regardless its still possible to go out to a park and get fresh air and exercise, here in the US anyway. As far as I know, reasonable people aren't doing a ton of socializing right now though. This could be the perfect opportunity for yall to work on the relationship and take the time to put more into it. It has to come from both sides though.

Late twenties is sooo young. Im not sure thats late in life, especially for marriage and kids. It sounds like yall are doing well otherwise, financially at least and you have some goals set. That's better than a lot of people your age, or older even.

I don't think its unusual to wonder if "this is it" or be a bit disillusioned with where you've ended up, we all do that at times. I think you've given plenty of good reasons though to pull yourself out of this and keep with it, your child being number one. It doesn't sound like health has been your top priority lately either so isn't that something you could be working on together? A woman doesn't have to gain a lot of weight in pregnancy, it's not a given and it's not healthy so that could be a priority of the next pregnancy once your both in better shape. I would emphasize the health aspect in any conversation and if thats actually the most important aspect for you, it will show and she'll be more receptive probably. She should want to be healthy too and when thats not a priority, it can and will eventually lead to a bunch of other serious issues that affect everyone.

I think you clearly need to reconnect, like remember why you got together in the first place and made a lifetime commitment to each other. Spend more time together alone doing things that you're both interested in. Working out can be one thing but it's not everything. And I imagine she might be able to use more time to herself, doing things that make her happy, other than being a wife and mom. That is not a woman's only purpose or aspiration in life and I think that tends to be forgotten with some men, no offense. 😊

It sounds like you just need to have a genuine and open conversation with your wife about where you are both at in life, what you would like to see change and then make a plan together for how to do that. It does sound really shallow and ridiculous, NOT because being healthy is shallow or ridiculous, but because you said its a good relationship otherwise. Its a marriage. There is a child involved.

First of all it sounds like you may not even want kids, 1 or 3. So maybe that should be addressed on a personal level. Secondly, you have no idea what's going on in her head. She could be miserable in many ways also. Most people probably don't enjoy being overweight and unhealthy. I have to wonder how much help and support she gets as a mother. Your "funk" is noticeable Im sure. How do you think thats affected her? I bet your relationship just needs some honesty injected into it and a re-set of sorts. Come up with physical activities to do together, with or preferably without kids, and at least make an effort to reconnect before you throw in the towel over something like this.

Im sorry, but if you've made a lifetime commitment to this person, in sickness and health, and you truly love her, then her health and happiness should be the priority here. You do sound trapped, because from your perspective you are. You married very young, too young for most people. That didn't really allow a lot of time for personal growth as an adult. But its the decision you made, and you should choose to make the best of it, at least for now. Im not saying to stay in something that makes you miserable, but if you get back into shape after making clear its a priority in your life for both of you, and she's still not on board, then revisit the issue. You should both want to see each other at your healthiest and happiest.

Sorry, I abandoned my own post there for a minute. I really appreciate you taking the time to reply. Your last one especially gave me a lot to think about, so thank you. I think this site should be called Lanohelps. com 😉

Well you have pretty good relationship insight, even with the disclaimer 😄

At some point most people do want a relationship to progress or "go somewhere" I would think. Maybe thats primarily a female thing though?

I've been in a very up and down, on and off relationship for years, never married, but I know I'm not in love anymore and haven't been for quite awhile. I've stayed or gone back at times because of our kids and life circumstances. I was just wondering how common it is for people to stay in a relationship for reasons like that, besides being "in love" and did/do they regret it? You know you'll hear some adults say their parents stuck it out even when things weren't great and it wound up being a good thing and others will say their parents hated each other and growing up was miserable. My biggest concern is the example it sets for my kids I guess. I'd rather they see their parents 100% happy, even if its not together. I do personally think being in love is important in a relationship and kinda the whole point. Being on the same page in life, wanting the same things, is just as important.

Thanks for replying :)
I actually didn't intend for the post to be anonymous but I guess it doesn't matter.

I know its important to many people but I was wondering how often people are actually "in love" in their relationships or if they're mostly in it for other reasons like kids, money, loneliness, etc. Being in love is ideal of course. I just don't know how realistic it is for the average person, especially once there are kids and work and real, everyday life becomes the priority. It's interesting you point out that being in love usually comes from being in a relationship long enough. My experience has been the opposite of that most times, like the longer I know the person, the less "in love" I feel, but I guess that's not really being in love then is it?