That's good advice.
We have had several open and honest conversations over the last year, one last night even before I posted.
I think while shallow and ridicules it is such a big deal to me because fitness has dominated so much if my life and is something I have struggled with myself.

I do not see divorce as an option, especially with a child involved.

If fitness is my "thing" than children is hers. I do want children, I just wanted to be more ready financially before having them. She thinks we got married late in life, I disagree, and so she see's the clock ticking for kids.

You are right I dont know what's going on In her head, though she has started going to the gym again.
And you are also right
-
My funk is noticable and it has put the weight of taking care of our daughter on her. Part of that reason being that she is a stay at home mom though.
We may have too much honestly, I have talked to her, but its difficult to make my thoughts sound anything but lazy and selfish..

Physical activities are a good idea.

No don't be sorry, again I agree with you, I have made a life time commitment and her health and happiness should be my priority..

Hmm.....
I feel like even if I get back in shape she may get a bit better but then it's another Pregnancy and she has to start over.
I'm stressed man, she wants to try again in six months, and we both want to buy a home in that time too. We have 30k saved up (we live clean and lean on a budget and are disciplined and on the same page there)
But...it feels like this is all on me, like I have to go make the money, I have to get fit again and hopefully she follows suite
And there is no promise?..no way of knowing if that's even going to work out.

I agree with most everything you are saying, but I ....
Am whineing selfish stupid? Whatever
I feel broken mate.
I feel like I had these life goals, I got here, life is pretty good, but I'm looking around like
"This?....This is it? This is boring! This isn't what I wanted my life to be."

I don't know what is going on.

We have been to counseling a few times, positive experience overall, but the emphasis coming away was both of us working on kindness towards eachother.
Didnt speak to the trapped way I feel.

Again, from your advice there seem to e some good actions.
We have already talked (perhaps too much).
I need to help her out with our daughter more.
I need to consider where her head is at in all of this and be more supportive.
And I can initiate physical activities that are fun and will help both of us.

Those things I can do.

My reason for going on as melodramatic
As it sounds.
Seems missing though.
I am having issues picking up these responsibilities and moving forward with them, because I don't see a goal, I don-t have hope

I think we got married young too.
Not too young. But young.
And thank you for the compliment, Overall we are doing alright, but this issue is tearing at me.

That's fair.

No I have not, I am guilty of that. I have let myself go because its felt hopeless and like life with her is never going to change.
I am resentful? We dated for two years before getting married, then got married, and during that time I stayed fit, but I made sacrifices to my own schedule to help her gain confidence with her body and give her the ability to workout at her own pace. She did really good.
But it ended badly...I came away feeling like all my work was wasted. She didnt want to live that lifestyle. She is working out again now but I let it get to me...its a whole thing but emotionally It wrecked me.
I gave up.

She did alright with weight gain during, and she was watched for post partum depression and was fine.
But from my daughter's age 0 to age .. 11 months almost a year. She stayed home, took care of the baby and sat on her phone all day.
I was kind of battered from the fitness thing, but I was there, I took time off work, after that during those 11 months and even now.
I went to work, came home. Made dinner for us, cleaned the kitchen and the house.
And felt like she just didnt do or want to do anything....
I am not a victim or totally perfect or innocent but I am tired.

I got together with her because she was genuine.
She doesn't lie, I trust her. She cares about me, and we enjoy being together. She had what I was looking for.

Spending more time together is a good idea.

So....alright I agree with you. Here's the thing. This is just going to sound weird no matter how I say it. But responding to your last two sentances.

Also lol no offense, in fact offend me! Maybe I need it. But I'm here for help so, dont worry about offending me.

I have tried to encourage her to get out more....let me back up.

She is of the opinion that she wanted to be married at 19 and having kids at 20. She went to college for elementary education, she has worked with children her entire life. When I first met her I wasnt interested because she was SO focused on kids.

Alright, I wish she had other things she wanted to do!
She worries me, she doesn't have any friends except mine (and it's not A personality thing, she can make friends she is well spoken, upbeat, encouraging, incredibly intelligent most people when we were dating commented on that).
Her "Best Friend" I have seen
.no no, She has seen her best friend and maid of honor Twice in the last four years.
I have encouraged her to hang out, do a girls night I'll watch the kiddo. But, it doesn't really take. She will hang out with her older sister and a cousin but...that's family? Not quite the same.

But I agree I think she has more to offer the world than just being a mother.

Well, I want to work but...well..
When I was 11 my dad lost his job and it changed everything about our family for years. Being the guy in charge of providing kind of freaks me out, I've just seen it go wrong.
She might but currently she has said for the foreseeable future stay at home mom is what she wants.

Haha, I can understand That being home with Kids all day is a different kind of experience and it's a Full time job and a half.
Well with the postpartum Bit, I watched her really closely and a few other folks just kind of looked out and were available for her as well.
Again she may be in a funk, In fact from my behavior I could see that, but I dont think its connected to post partum. Also why I have pushed for socialization.

Mmmm, getting married at 24 isn't crazy young but I see what you are saying and yes people change. I mean being married to someone, that person will change you lol.thats the weird thing when we talk we want the same things and we have in general at least very strong communication. Or at least we used to...we do still but I like to talk through problems and she prefers to talk about them, work them out and then be done with it.

She is walking (daughter) around now actually so she is more mobile, but the phone persists. I hope we will be more active.

Honestly our area hasn't been affected by covid much, I think we have had a handful of cases and maybe five deaths
Which for a largeish county with 165,000 people we are doing alright.
Our lives have had little effect from the virus.
Except for preventing us from taking a vacation with just the two of us out of state.

It is alot, thank you for hanging in and reading it all.

Good question.

Well..dammit.

There are a few things

I feel like ***sex is and has been a massive motivator for me in my life. And I want to have ***sex with a fit athletic woman.
I fear that never happening now. And this is going to sound so, aweful.
But gah... ***sex is one of the purposes I have set in my brain for my life.
Her being fat represents a failure on my part, and the loss of an identity, of being who I want to be and be with.
We still (so far) have a great ***sex life but the past couple days I have felt less attracted the more I have dwelt on this.

Again, I want to have ***sex and be with a fit athletic woman, and if I don't have that, really what's the point?

Again so melodramatic, so serious and hownstupidndoes this sound?
Yet I mean it.
For me that has been my purpose for living, that was the goal I was going for.
And now I'm trapped

....

I'm fine getting getting old and wrinkled with someone I love, but taking care of their body and remaining fit is important.

Long story short, one of the reasons we dated so long was because of this. I knew I wasn't marrying a fitness fanatic, but we had many serious conversations and she said that she wanted to be consistently striving towards her own fitness goals but hadn't had the situations that would allow her to do that.
And she did! For three years she did...and then she didn't.

I just wanted someone who would at least put the effort in, that is important, and consistent effort yields results, leaner, stronger results. Maybe it shouldn't have been such an emotional blow when she stopped but it was. It makes me feel like I got duped, like I knew better but here I am.

Honestly it hurts to read your middle paragraph a bit just because you are right
This is a serious life long commitment.
I already feel guilty and selfish for feeling how I do, I'm just not sure how to stop feeling like I've messed up and can never go back and my foreseeable life is
Wake, work, home, sleep repeat
With a woman who is honestly great but...gah just not who she had let me think she was.

When I type it out I feel so petty, like crying over spilt milk. But at the same time it means so much To me.

Again, you win. With practical common sense advice, I agree with you.
The only variable I can control here is me and taking the personal responsibility to get fit again is important.

I think the self sabotage I have indulged in the past year is due to my fear
that she really doesn't want the same.
And this is just the way it is now.

It sounds like you have had some life experiences throught this area of life though which still counts.
I'm sorry it sounds like it was a rough ride though.

I appriciate you emphasizing a focus on loved communication, honesty and the reality of having made a commitment, and doing so up front but gently. (Not in this particular response but throughout this conversation)

I suppose it is time to stop pouting and starting taking care of myself and then see what the next step is from there.

...as to more kids.
The pressure is on...or so I'm told it have kids close together. Etc. Etc. Etc.
I will take your advice and think on it though

@Lano

Like I said we have good s ex and yes I am attracted to her, but more so to fit people. That's good advice and I'll give it a shot

I am pretty down but I do love the little munchkin.

The only thing I can control is myself you are right, I'm not sure if I do have it. Honestly could be a possibility.
Waiting to have more is something I am on board with but my wife is concerned ed about having kids older she's 29 and feels like she is getting to old to have kids...ach...I am not a woman so I dont know, but I know my mom was in her 30s before they started..

Thank you again for helping me talk all this out lito, I appriciate it so much you have no idea =)

Sorry for not posting back after you guys had replied. I had to think about this all for a bit. Let me give a quick update and then I will respond to y'all.
And Thank you, all of you, for taking time out of your lives to help a stranger.

So, after talking through a bit of all of this on here with you.. I mulled it over a bit. During that time, not really sure why but I started feeling a bit happier during my day, which in the last week has lead to me waking up before noon. In fact today I woke up at 7 and have been waking at 8 and 9 during the week, and although I have a splitting headache from being up so early I'm taking it as a win.
I have met with a couple of people one on one over coffee etc. Who can help me in my business in a mentorship fashion. This seems to have given me a bit more direction and purpose.
My wife and I have been up and down the last week. My ***sex drive has fallen off a bit (first time since being married...which is a bit concerning, and ****porn use on my part has ramped up a little bit).

We have talked...reconnected. fought, not talked and well...reached an impass.
I am going to make an appointment with our counselor again to try to sort through a bit of this.
She doesn't want to delay having children at all and feels that having them too far apart will ruin the family dynamic. She has said that she really doesn't want to talk these things out because they stress her out too much and she is afraid to be honest because these things stress me out too which leads to me staying up late etc.
I feel like we need to talk through these issues and if not agree at least find a goal we can both head towards... I have gone from feeling like this whole thing is an untenable situation to trying and make an impact and hopefully turn it and myself and maybe even us as a couple into something a little more desirable..

So, yeah, I am at least trying now...which is an improvement

I completely agree with you, but she doesn't. This is the view I have held but she just does. Not. Agree.
Its painful talking about it because she has so much mental anxiety wrapped into it and I think k her identity that it doesn't feel like I am trying to have a conversation but instead attack who she is as a person by saying "maybe we should hold off having more kiddos"..

I have sought a more consistent relationship with a few mentors and we are going to go back to counseling so it's a start?

I'm worried about the health concerns too.... = (

I feel like you are referencing something so obvious that I should understand what you are talking about but I just don't =(.

I'm trying to rethink my perspective, I still struggle with forever being committed to one person with a body that I am growing less and less attracted to. Makes me feel pretty awful for thinking it.
Yet I do.

@Yorick
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh, now I get it, not creepy at all lol ;)