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Hello :) I dont think we've talked before but Ive read through a few of your posts in the past and that led me to read up on your condition because I really knew nothing about it and was honestly blown away by some of the things you've written. I've been amazed though too at how positive and humorous and helpful you can be, even with what youre going through. I've also been appalled at what sounds like a serious lack of care and compassion at times from people around you. I can imagine its even harder now with what's going on in the world currently, but it seems like you've been dealing with these issues for awhile already. It sounds like all you need is just one trusted, patient, compassionate person to help you with some of the assistance youre seeking and it sounds like even that has been a challenge to find and keep.
I live in America and I don't know exactly what a carer's duties encompass in the U.K., but anyone providing personal care should realize it extends beyond the physical, to the emotional and mental well-being of the person also. They should be willing to advocate for you in getting the best care and living the best life you possibly can. I just want to say Im sorry you have to deal with that right now, but there are people who care, even on the other side of the world, so please remember that when you're having a really bad day. I believe the root of most people's problems can be traced back to a lack of care and compassion somewhere, so know that you're not alone in that struggle either. We just all need to be better for each other. I hope you're feeling better today and getting what you need. :)- written - voted for by Jetmoo, soco
It sounds like you just need to have a genuine and open conversation with your wife about where you are both at in life, what you would like to see change and then make a plan together for how to do that. It does sound really shallow and ridiculous, NOT because being healthy is shallow or ridiculous, but because you said its a good relationship otherwise. Its a marriage. There is a child involved.
First of all it sounds like you may not even want kids, 1 or 3. So maybe that should be addressed on a personal level. Secondly, you have no idea what's going on in her head. She could be miserable in many ways also. Most people probably don't enjoy being overweight and unhealthy. I have to wonder how much help and support she gets as a mother. Your "funk" is noticeable Im sure. How do you think thats affected her? I bet your relationship just needs some honesty injected into it and a re-set of sorts. Come up with physical activities to do together, with or preferably without kids, and at least make an effort to reconnect before you throw in the towel over something like this.
Im sorry, but if you've made a lifetime commitment to this person, in sickness and health, and you truly love her, then her health and happiness should be the priority here. You do sound trapped, because from your perspective you are. You married very young, too young for most people. That didn't really allow a lot of time for personal growth as an adult. But its the decision you made, and you should choose to make the best of it, at least for now. Im not saying to stay in something that makes you miserable, but if you get back into shape after making clear its a priority in your life for both of you, and she's still not on board, then revisit the issue. You should both want to see each other at your healthiest and happiest.- written - voted for by soco
Meditate. It will relax you, ground you, give you energy and won't make you fat.- written - voted for by pinocchiothepuppet
I think the "secret" is to always be the most kind person in the world to yourself. Others will be critical, so that's a role you don't have to play. Instead, just always think of yourself as your own favorite child, and think kind things.
I think this is a nice way to look at yourself but it can be destructive to others as well. I was in a relationship where it didnt seem to matter what the other person did, how bad in the relationship they were, as long as they felt good about themselves. He was always his own best friend, his own greatest advocate, so he was never wrong. It was maddening and left me feeling like the guilty party in most situations, even if I wasn't. So although I agree with this idea, there is a lot to be said for being able to take personal responsiblity also and seeing yourself in a more realistic way, as others see you.- written - voted for by BA1
A woman could healthily have kids well into her 40's or later even, if her body allows. I have a 2 year old daughter and I turned 35 a few months ago. I don't feel too old to have had a baby in my 30s. Most people are waiting longer now it seems. It depends on the person though I guess. A really great point to make with her about better health and fitness is that she is much more likely to have healthy pregnancies if she is in the best health possible. Massive weight gain during pregnancy doesn't have to happen and it's not healthy either.- written
You sound pretty down about it a couple times in your post and I feel for you. I can say from all of my negative relationship experience, I have primarily learned that no one is perfect, because perfection doesn't exist and you cant truly change or control anyone but yourself.
Also, I dont know if youre aware, but men can also have postpartum depression apparently. You said your daughter is a year and a half and youve been having issues the last year and a half so it might be something to consider and look into. Having kids turns your world upside down, whether youre male or female. There's definitely an adjustment period, with every kid you have. That's why I suggested figuring this out before bringing more kids into the marriage. Good luck with everything! 😊
Haha ok, winning over here. I'll take it. The funny thing is I've never been married! I've been in a serious long term relationship and I got 3 kids out of it but it was also such a disaster at times, marriage wasn't even a consideration for me. I just couldn't imagine locking myself down for life when I wasn't 100% sure. But that's an issue in itself.
All Im saying is you are where you are and all you can do is take responsibility for you, and your child of course. Thats true for everyone and its a hard pill to swallow but it also relieves you of the burden of feeling responsible for everything. Her fitness level isnt your job and if it is that important to you and not her, more cracks will likely only develop over time. For so many reasons I would hold off on more kids for the near future. Focus on getting back into shape. You'll feel a million times better and probably have a more positive outlook on the whole situation as a result. Your action will also hopefully inspire her to do the same. If it doesn't you need to seriously consider what you want long-term and be honest with yourself and her.- written
Im glad Lano asked that. I had assumed already that a lack of attraction was some part of it. I think thats a big motivator for a lot of people, both genders, but definitely more for men. As far as it being a goal, everyone hopes to attract attractive people and have relations with them, but thats more of a short- term goal right, not like a long- term life goal?
I've always assumed and hope that when two people take the step of making a lifelong commitment to each other, that they have considered the possibility of their partner as well as themselves changing at some point, for better or worse. I guess thats why I think 20's is too young to marry. Im not sure most people that age are considering all of the possibilities and whether they're actually prepared and committed enough to deal with them. That's where the commitment and love part really come in, when the unexpected happens or things go wrong.
You've both dropped the ball here it sounds like, honestly. You knew you weren't marrying a fitness fanatic but I guess were hoping things would change? I really think you should start with yourself, fixing the things you're not happy with that you can change. You're the only person you can truly control so focus on that. You should also make very clear in the kindest, most loving and respectful way possible what you are attracted to and this "goal" you have for your life. Maybe don't use the term goal though. 😄 I hope the goal really is to be healthy and happy and to live a full and passionate life with the person you chose to do life with in the first place. If it is then being honest with her, supportive of her and setting a good example (taking personal responsibility) with fitness is the best thing you can do and if she really wants the same, then she'll get on board. Everything else will follow.- written
Well I was thinking after I wrote my last reply, it is also not every man's purpose and aspiration to work all day and provide for other people. At some point the conversation about who would do what once children came along was had? She had career aspirations once so Im sure she still does, but maybe she also wanted the full experience of raising a baby, it is her first after all.
I can say for myself, the novelty of being a stay at home mom pretty much wore off after the first one, and definitely after the second. Once youre outnumbered and realize youre no Mary Poppins, its not all that fun. Babies do sleep a lot the first year though so Im sure she's had some time to herself, especially if she's not doing much cooking or cleaning. Its possible she's in a funk of her own. The way a woman is checked for postpartum depression is by being asked a few questions about how she's feeling and her recent thoughts. Maybe she's not telling everything? Its completely normal to not feel like yourself for a good year or two after having a baby. Socializing, exercising and maybe even meds could help with that.
I think the only way to get to the bottom of the issues is by talking through them, honestly but respectfully. I do think its a very young age to get married and start a family. Its rare for a person to know exactly what they want for the rest of their life at that age. People mature and change, sometimes drastically. Sometimes they go backwards! You may both wind up wanting very different lives and be unable to find a compromise. You wouldn't want more kids that could potentially affect. I would say definitely hold off on more kids right now. Once your daughter is a toddler, there will be far fewer opportunities to sit on the phone. You'll probably be more active as a family then.
Right now everyone is kind of trapped at home anyway aren't they? Im sure that has a lot to do with this as well. I dont think people fully realize the long term mental impact of all the shutdowns and isolating. But regardless its still possible to go out to a park and get fresh air and exercise, here in the US anyway. As far as I know, reasonable people aren't doing a ton of socializing right now though. This could be the perfect opportunity for yall to work on the relationship and take the time to put more into it. It has to come from both sides though.
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