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Nevermind
last online: 02/20, 6:06
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I didnt know how else to help myself so I'm writing here.


Admittedly, I take what people say VERY harshly. If your just gonna roast or scold me you will damage me.

I'm not doing well today.
I've been doing alright lately. At least I think so...

Today I am riddled with anxiety. Its crippling, even hard to move, on the verge of a full fledge panic attack yet I'm trying my best to settle myself and keep it together.

As always I'm conflicted.

I cant exactly die unless it's an emergency because I have puppies and kittens.

Ive tried to tell myself its just another day. Or that it's not even happening, but it is and I'm aware and I can't not be aware, that's not how my mind works.

Kyofu is never satisfied.
It doesnt matter how many stitches or staples it's not ever good enough.
It doesnt matter how hard I tried, if I survived it's not good enough.

Its not easy to explain. There is me and then there's more. There is more than just me controlling me.

Everything is a contradiction.

Confessed to feelings I'm trying to fight.

"How dare you"

Yep, she's right. How dare you try to die or feel like dying.
I agree. It's wrong of me. But at the same time all saying that does is make me feel more desperate like all my tries will never be enough. I should just end it now before I do more.

I've been focused on the animals and that does help me.

But with my birthday coming up for some reason that's a trigger for me.
Alot of people get depressed on there birthday but I hate when peope try to minimize what I'm going through. It's not just a case of the Monday Blues. And no walk through the forest or magic yoga is gonna cure me.
Though they may help with some things some people just need more than that. My pills are not an easy way out, far from that because the side affects can be trash and sometimes it can take so long to feel anything at all.

My birthday is a moment of reflection. And the girl who I am, was, and could be frightens me.

I'm not just an entitled brat who's sad.
Its something chemical? And I guess environmental.

Honestly. Writing this has helped somehow.
Right before I came here my pupils were going big to small for NO reason which has only ever happened to me when I overdosed and I definitely did not.

After talking with a councilor they told me it was my fight or flight response due to my anxiety.

I felt calling crisis wouldnt help or do anything.
And to do anything to harm myself would be stupid unless it's a last resort.

I feel calmer now. Being I. Such a high state of anxiety I couldnt sleep. However... I worry because my birthday is only going to get closer, is this unbearable anxiety just going to build ?

I'm worried. And there honestly isnt any treatment or "cure".

Just trying to avoid stressors... love my pets.. gonna do things that I enjoy in private..

Isolation is my best friend.
Isolation feels good. But when its took away feels very unpleasant.

I guess without isolation, I couldnt probably die.
But at the same time isolation helps me keep calm and feel safe.

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Since writing this post Nevermind may have helped people, but has not within the last four (4) days.
Post Tags (5)
feel, good, die, birthday, anxiety
Replies (10)
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Nevermind
last online: 02/20, 6:06
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(11 minutes after post)
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My Puppies
http://i65.tinypic.com/2mxhcw6.jpg

My Lovely Persians... shout out to Harrison the newest addition.
http://i67.tinypic.com/e0snwx.jpg

Anonymous
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I love your puppies and kittens but i really think you should stop ********breeding them until you sort yourself out. Isolation is not good for social animals and you dont seem to be in a state to care for yourself.

What is it that is really bothering you? I has to be more than a birthday...

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Nevermind
last online: 02/20, 6:06
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Anonymous wrote:

What is it that is really bothering you? I has to be more than a birthday...

It's a loooooooooong story I dont really feel like telling. It doesnt really have anything to do with my age.

My phycatrist thinks I should keep ********breeding animals.
Infact when I didnt have any pregnant or baby animals she asked if I could go get a pregnant cat from the shelter. I told her it doesnt work that way.

I think her main thinking is that because I havent tried to kill myself since having babies, that it's the best chance to get me to not? I dont know.

I do agree though. I consider stopping but if I stop, I feel like I'm giving up cause I'm not planning to live I'm preparing to die.

My dogs like isolation. I mean they have me and other dogs and the farm land. They prefer that more than going in public.
And my cats like staying home too.

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jjlove01
last online: 08/05, 4:04
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You're an excellent writer! Writing has always helped me! Maybe try keeping a journal you could someday turn into a book that could help others with the same issues?

BTW! ...Your fur babies are beautiful, and so is your heart!

Help me with:

His campaign is saying there were so many no-shows because his supporters were afraid of the protestors.

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Nevermind
last online: 02/20, 6:06
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jj01 wrote:
You're an excellent writer! Writing has always helped me! Maybe try keeping a journal you could someday turn into a book that could help others with the same issues?

BTW! ...Your fur babies are beautiful, and so is your heart!

Thank you
But I'm not sure I'd make a journal to publish cause I feel its.. like too much secrets to do that.

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jjlove01
last online: 08/05, 4:04
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Journals are private. Books can be written anonymously.

Help me with:

His campaign is saying there were so many no-shows because his supporters were afraid of the protestors.

D
DragonLady
last online: <time class="timeago" datetime="1735082069" title="Dec 24, 2024 23:14">Dec 24, 2024 23:14</time>
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I'm gonna second the idea to start a journal. It doesn't have to be words, or make any sense to anyone but you; just a place to get your thoughts and feelings out into the world so you can stop carrying them 'round inside -think of it like external storage.

Your first sentence says a lot:
Admittedly, I take what people say VERY harshly.

Try not to do that. Other people will always be critical, but you can learn to take whatever they say with a grain of salt when they're being hurtful.

You be your own best friend. Your own favorite child. Your own baby that will never have to grow up because you will always take care of you.

1581744157174 1581744149313 miss bot
soco
last online: 03/19, 3:49
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It's good hearing from you Nevermind. I like your zoo too. Glad you are putting yourself out there to help something that can't easily care for itself. Keep up the good work. How is your job going?

Help me with:

We have another hurricane coming this way.

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Nevermind
last online: 02/20, 6:06
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soco wrote:
It's good hearing from you Nevermind. I like your zoo too. Glad you are putting yourself out there to help something that can't easily care for itself. Keep up the good work. How is your job going?

My haunted house job is only in the fall. If I'm around I'll do it next year.

A
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