Just FYI, I basically stay out of people's marriage issues. It's not for me to fix, or figure out...that is between the husb and wife.

However, when she talks to me, I empathize, but don't say much other than marriages take a lot of work and that type of thing....

I have, however, said that he needs to "step up" because he is not working and hasn't for a year or more, and doesn't care to work. They have lots of debt and she is working two jobs and taking as much OT as she can get, making her exhausted and cranky and sad that she is missing so much time with her 4 year old daughter

....

I know. And I am concerned about her well being and will talk with her about it.

Up to this point, I felt like he was just a jerk, but relatively harmless....but I also knew that he probably felt less "manly" for not working and that probably affected all the dynamics...

Anyway, she didn't go into work on Thursday because she got a black eye. She texted me about it, because I often watch her daughter.

I was shocked about her black eye and asked her about it. She said it happened at work. I let it go at that for the time being, but later, as I was thinking about it....I wondered: If she got it at work, why did she miss work??? So...I need to see her in person, but it needs to be in a safe place and at a time when husb won't get suspicious.

Caveat: I remember a few months ago when I had a black eye and she asked me about it. My black eye was because I'd been sick to my stomach and broke blood vessels from being so sick.....IDK if she believed me or not, but :shrug:

Another caveat: She works with developmentally disabled adults. It's entirely possible one of them gave her a black eye. And that's why I "let it go" for a while....until I started to question why she would miss a couple days of work for something that "HAPPENED" at work....

This little girl has been having issues too.

She was fully potty trained and has started to pee and poop in her pants.

She says that her parents fight a lot and that it's loud and scary.

She has volunteered that on her own, but her mom and I talk about that stuff too. Her mom knows that the peeing and pooping are a result of baby girl's stress levels. Mom also admits that they have had fights that cause neighbors to come out of their houses....

So...yeah, I think it's escalating

I guess another part of the puzzle...baby girl is reverting in potty training issues....

BUT, mom has a son who is 23 years old and who is severely developmentally disabled. He has to have diapers, etc. When baby sister started to revert, he would apparently laugh hysterically about it....which might have caused her to "enjoy" doing it.

Along with the stress levels in the home....

I was thinking that....we have a basement that is available...lol

I've thought about inviting them to stay here.

Just the only issue is that her developmentally disabled son lives with her, and IDK how to deal with basement stairs (they live in a ranch because of his issues) and how to deal with him/how my husband and kids would cope with that. They have said, when I mentioned having her and her daughter move in here, that they wouldn't want him here. I wouldn't necessarily, either, but....I could deal with it and adjust to it pretty easily, I think.

She has said numerous times that she is going to keep him at home and care for him until she can no longer get out of bed herself because of how badly facilities tend to treat the patients....so idk if she would put him in a car facility.

I'm not sure what he "actually has." In the old days, he would have been labeled "severely retarded," I suppose. Even though that's incorrect. He can't feed himself well because his arms are bent to his chest. He can...but it has to be food that he can use a fork with...He soils himself. He can't walk or talk....etc

Agree. I think they do get money for having him at home. IDK if it's money that makes life easier for THEM, or if it's money that makes life easier for HIM/THE SON. As in....is the money enough for his care and needs with none left over? I'm not sure about that...will ask her if I can

I do know that she pays rent on her own, without the aid of HUD, and I would think that having him at home would mean that she could apply for HUD...?

Well, it's all a lot to think about. I'm definitely going to try to figure out a time when we can talk and I will bring all of this up to her.

Possibly, he really DIDN'T hit her, but they are definitely stressed.

She keeps saying, too, that she wants her dau to grow up with a dad in the household. And I truly have conflict here, because I think it's awful for people to live in crappy situations, but it's also (from a religious standpoint) not good to divorce.

I think the best thing to do will be to talk to her when I can. And to offer my basement and to let her pack some things to leave here

Thanks, BA, for your insight and help

He won't do counseling. She sees a counselor alone

Married 6 years; I think he started off decent. Part of the reason he won't work is because he owes income taxes and if he got a job, he complains that he would make "less than minimum wage and it wouldn't be worth it," because he would have his wages garnished.

He has two grown kids with a previous wife. The disabled son is hers only, and he won't do anything to help out with him. Instead of getting a lunch hour at work, she takes two 30 minute breaks to run home and feed and/or diaper her son, even if husb is home, because he won't do it. I do realize that may be a hard thing for some people to deal with, but you know about it going into a marriage and still decide to marry and support one another, you could be more helpful. Or else move on and marry another, in my opinion.

4 year old daughter is both of theirs together.

He and his sibs got an inheritance a couple years ago when his parents passed. About $200k each. He bought himself a new truck, went on a "solo" vaca., and paid the rent for one year for each of his grown children. Current wife/dau (my friend) did not get groceries, a spa day, or even a bouquet of flowers. Nothing. Not that he should have to spend his money in a certain way...maybe he felt like he is there with them and that is enough, I don't know

Neither do I. I believe in the sanctity of marriage, even for bad marriages. And I'm on the fence about where the black eye came from.
I do think, though, that they need a break from each other....WHILE attending counseling and working on strengthening marriage.

I feel like spouses should ask to go through phones, and should not contact the friends in a conversation and harrass them....

I let my husband use my phone constantly. I ask him to reply to people who text me while I'm driving, etc. However, I go to touch his and he almost slaps my hand away. I don't really think he has anything to hide and I'm not ambitious about touching his phone. I guess I figure if he has something to hide, it will come out soon enough anyway. Why borrow trouble? (I think he's just a very private person, honestly...and doesn't want me to see what his brother texts him because his brother doesn't like me since I'm mostly a stay at home mom and my husb works)

^^I did not know that^^ Wow. I will have to tell her. She is trying to save money to buy a house so she doesn't have to keep paying in a house where rent is skyrocketing. I told her that I think IRS could take her house, if they are both listed on it.

In the place where they rent....they moved in right after someone moved out; and there was old furniture and things in the backyard. They got a break on move in costs in exchange for helping landlord clean out back yard. Fast forward 4 years and they haven't cleaned out back yard, so landlord gave them an ultimatum. They had one month to clean it.

She works more than FT; he doesn't. It never got cleaned. On one of her days off, she rented a trailer to clean it, and started the task, finding out she just couldn't do it herself. So she hired my boys, ages 13, and 17, and they went over and spent 2-3 hours helping. They told me it was so gross...you would step into the yard and sink into things....like a moldy old couch that they had to step on to get out into the yard, etc.They were breaking apart bed frames, etc and throwing them onto the trailer. But sinking in the moldy mattress....

While my boys were helping her, (and SHE paid them), husb was sitting on the porch watching, smoking cigs.

She maintains that he did not hit her....so I'll go with that for now.