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Nevermind
last online: 02/20, 6:06
Verified User (6 years, 10 months)
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Meds or Me?

I typically live without real socialization. I used to require a close online friend to talk to everyday or else I'd get lonely. I used to be rather codependent.
I'm not that way anymore. I can go days without wanting to talk even by text. That's a newer personality development. For 8 months or so i've been like that.

I spend most my week in the dark with my cats which provide most the socialization I really need. Although even they sometimes touch me more than I like.

I don't know why I've changed. My friend just thinks I'm growing up, but I think it has something to do my hospital stays or something because I was different after.

Anyway. I can't handle much people situations and lately there has been too much. Far more than my norm. It's not awesome. Has me stressed. Messes with any routine I manage causing me to miss taking my pills.
I cant take my 2 night pills, Lithium 300mg and Quetiapine 100mg and be up early. So if I dont take them by 11pm I cant be expected to do anything in the morning
And if I dont wake up in the morning guess what I don't do? I dont take my Zoloft 100mg. Or my Clonazepam but that's not always necessary.

It really messes with me and it's an agitating situation for me so I kinda need the meds.

I have a hard time figuring out what's coincidence and what's my meds.

I didn't take my meds Friday night because these guest kept having me print them papers for hunting and it was 12:30am by the time they were done.
A guy coming to fix the furnace at 9am. Only I'd be in the house. Now I can't take my pills.
I don't take my pills so I don't sleep.
My Lithium is supposedly for suicidial thoughts and my Quetiapine is supposedly a mood stabilizer.
Now. I'm told it takes a month for these pills to take full affect. So if I miss 1 day does it really affect me?

Nothing is more upsetting than being told "Take your meds" or as my mom said it, "Oh my f-cking God! Take your f-cking meds!!". But I think, maybe I really am different.
Being alone the way I am. Sure I feel sadness and I cry or I'm suicidal but the visible emotional outbursts aren't triggered unless I'm around people or I'm mistreated so when I'm not around people I guess I am usually calm physically. I haven't any idea if my pills really do much of anything for me.

I missed my pills Friday.
Then Saturday I saw snow and figured the following feelings were triggered by that snow.

I spent almost the entire day trying to hide in the room, crying my eyes out, very suicidal, like suicide is so desirable I want it more than a kid wants Christmas. But then id feel occasional brief happiness. I bought a gingerbread house kit and I was pretty happy for a few hours till it collapsed then I went back to being sad. I'd say I spent 85 percent of the day really upset.
Then I took my pills and went to bed.
Today I've been chill. I mean, I know I feel sad about the things I was sad about yesterday but I'm not crying about it. My strongest feeling is that I desire for the guests to leave and me to go back to normal. I feel on edge but not like I'm gonna snap and loose it.
All the pariniod thoughts arnt raising through my head.

I'm not feeling the intense, strong feelings I was.

So. Is it my meds? Or coincidence?

If my meds really do stable me out that much,does that mean I'm not supposed to feel how I feel without my meds?

What if I'm suppose to feel that way? That's my true feelings right? Why cover them up with pills? Nobody believes this except me but what if I'm supposed to kill myself?

I mean I'm gonna continue taking my meds for now. It just makes me wonder. I don't mind taking the pills because I dont feel what other people claim to feel on these meds. Aside from weight gain. I don't feel foggy or different. I feel basically the same. I have the same interests, habits, quirks. I still struggle the same too. It took me 6 days to shower and brush my hair this week, I neglected my cats some days, I didnt care for myself. And ever then, I only took care of those things when I did cause people were coming over and I dont want anyone to know I'm struggling.

The pills do seem to help. They don't take away all the problems and the struggle, but I guess I'm not in despair cause of them? Not so suicidal I suppose.

Funny enough I took my pills like an hour and 20 minutes ago and I'm still awake. That's why I wrote this.
Probably those stupid guests. My pills knock most out but I still wont fall asleep unless I try and it's hard to try when in stressed and pariniod about them.

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Since writing this post Nevermind may have helped people, but has not within the last four (4) days.
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feel, people, meds, suicidal, pills
Replies (9)
Helpbot
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Suicide Prevention Lifeline

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Nix
last online: 11/28, 9:31
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Pills don’t fix things. They just help with clearer thinking and like you said, less suicidal thoughts, which is good.

If you don’t take the pills, you can’t try to fix things. And you can’t function properly. So take the pills.

It’s ok to want to be alone. I prefer to be alone and need a good few hours by myself after seeing people otherwise I get very snappy.

Just make sure that you can take care of yourself and cats first and foremost.

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soco
last online: 03/19, 3:49
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(16 hours after post)
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Tell us more about the stupid guests and the hunting trip they all seem to want to attend. Do they not own their own printers?!

Help me with:

We have another hurricane coming this way.

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Original Poster
Nevermind
last online: 02/20, 6:06
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(3 days after post)
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soco wrote:
Tell us more about the stupid guests and the hunting trip they all seem to want to attend. Do they not own their own printers?!

To make matters worse mom made me give them my room and uproot all my cats and myself upstairs where I cant get away and we are in a small bed room. Scared to leave the room and pariniod that they will open the door when in sleeping so that paranoia over powered my night meds. And now I gotta do it all again this whole week starting friday
And again for Christmas.

I'm worried I wont be ae to keep it together because this is alot of stress for me. But I'm trying

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Original Poster
Nevermind
last online: 02/20, 6:06
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(3 days after post)
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Growing up the way I did. I'm afraid to fall asleep and not be somewhere secure and safe. I need a lock and I sleep best knowing they cant get in I dont feel safe upstairs even though I probably am.

See I can recognize my behavior and thoughts as irrational but I still cant change them. That's how I truly feel and think.

1581744157174 1581744149313 miss bot
soco
last online: 03/19, 3:49
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(3 days after post)
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Your mom is fully aware of your health issues and still she makes you be this inconvenienced. I don't blame you for the anxiety you feel at all. Are these guests fairly educated? If so I would speak up in a calm, normal voice and ask if they could please stay at a nearby hotel. Im serious. You and your cats are used to sleeping in the safest room of the house. Dont make a scene, just ask if they could please stay someplace else. A sane, regular person would completely understand. They still may say no, but at least you'll know you tried to take a stand for your own well being. After all is said and done, you will be a better person for it. I wish you the best of luck.

Help me with:

We have another hurricane coming this way.

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Nevermind
last online: 02/20, 6:06
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(3 days after post)
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I dunno if they are. I have never told any family or people about my issues other than my friend and this site and medical professionals.
I think my mom has told some people things but that's probably just cause they can see the scars and ask. They never ask me. I dunno if that's cause they already know or if they just think its not polite to ask.

I never choose to make a scene. I'm behaved. When I melt down it's like a triggered thing I have no control.
I'm too timid to ask such a thing. But it's okay. For now I'm okay. I dont know how I'll be the whole time but I will try my best to be okay. I just hope they respect my space with as little as I will have.

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soco
last online: 03/19, 3:49
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(4 days after post)
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I pray you will get through this Nevermind. I really am that concerned.

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We have another hurricane coming this way.

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Wil
last online: 06/03, 2:59
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(5 days after post)
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I don't really hold onto an idea of what a 'true me' is. I studied psyc at uni and if it taught me anything it's that our state of mind cannot be defined in isolation from our environment. A brain without an environment to interpret and to navigate our bodies through is like matter without a dimension (I didn't study physics btw).

Basically, there is no 'you not on meds', just you, right here right now, responding to meds you did or didn't take, or the stressors in your life.

Try not to put too much weight on your thoughts and feelings. On medication and in your agitated state, you'll be getting a million and one thoughts and feelings per hour, some without warning. Most will simply be the result of overstimulation - the brain trying to make sense of the world. You'll feel compelled to try and make sense of these by attributing them to something.

Practice mindfullness. Accept them as they come to you, don't try to attribute them as anything, just let them wash over you until they pass. This is not easy and takes practice.

I highly recommend you see a therapist if you aren't already. Drugs won't do you any good in the long term if your thought-habits are fuelling your anxieties, paranoia, and depression. Drugs only help you cope. The heavy lifting is in reorganising maladaptive thought patterns.

Good luck!

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