1. Sometimes he doesn't. There are some issues. I have decided and made a conscientious effort to overlook them and to move on from the "bad," because the "good" outweighs it. It's been YEARS since I brought up the "bad."

2. Sometimes he doesn't. Again, we've weathered a lot and for the most part he's a great guy. I'm sure that there are times I don't please him. Though he doesn't tell me....

3. I am staying in the marriage for HIM. I have told him this on numerous occasions. I plan to make sure that HE is okay. For the rest of his life. I want to give back to him as he has given to me.

No, it's not all about him. It's also about our kids and what we have built. But when the kids are gone...it's me and him. And I will make sure that he is happy and healthy into his old age.

I am the one who is going to be alone. He has shown some concerning signs of aging. We are 14.5 years apart in age. I go to the gym. I eat well. Not saying I'm perfect...I have about 30# to shed, and I'm feeling MY OWN age already. I'm never going to remarry if I outlive him. (I'm never going to remarry in any instance. If we divorce. I'm too old and set in my ways and don't want to go through the new relationship again)

I'm not really and "effusive" person. But I do praise him. I think he's a great guy. And I know guys have egos....I stroke his ego because I know it will work in my favor ultimately ;) No, honestly...everyone needs to be praised. I know it and I do it. I'm all for sandwiching "prickly pears" between "warm hugs."

Probably not.

I tell him that I appreciate AND LOVE him. I tell him that I am living my best life now. I also have told him variations of the following very often:

"You never have to worry about anything when you are old. I love you and I will take care of you. I will never put you in a home and I will be the one who works, if you need me to. If you need a caretaker, I will be there for you. I have been so appreciative of the way you have taken care of me over the years, and you have shown me how to be a better person, that I want to make sure that you 'get that back.' Don't worry about your future, I will make sure that you are safe"

This is because he has said that when he gets "too old," I should just drown him in the lake. It's an inside joke, based on events that happened when we were dating....so rest assured he's not THAT serious. But since he brings it up so often, and since I AM appreciative of him, I feel like he needs to know that I will be there for him like he has been there for me. But he doesn't want to be a burden. I've told him that I will take the burden (IF there even is one) and shoulder it with love, tenderness, and care...in the same way that he has lifted me up on his shoulders.

And I reassure him about this often...about the fact that I will be there to the end...because you are right. Years ago, during the time when I walked out ten years ago, and after we "weathered" that rough patch and things were status quo once again, I spent a couple years "distancing" myself from him. I spent more and more time with friends and out of the house and never talked to him about my heart issues.

It wasn't good for the marriage.

I knew it wasn't good

I knew the path that would take us down

I thought long and hard. And prayed. And considered divorce in my own mind (didn't bring it up to him)

I looked around. At other guys. At other relationships. I thought about the prospect of starting over.

I came to the realization that I would NEVER be with another guy. There are very few out there who are GOOD GUYS, honestly. And one of the GOOD GUYS would not want me, in a case that the guy would not already be snatched up....I realized that I would not want another guy; and I would not want to spend the time, energy, heartache and headache in searching for one. I HAVE a good guy. There are issues. But he IS a good guy.

So...after going through all of that ^^^^ I had a major change of heart and realized that if I was going to stay and if it was going to work, I was going to have to put more of myself into the relationship and expect less than what I wanted. It's hard. Because there are some things that are really missing, as is the case in ALL marriages. So lean on God, look at the bigger picture, and accept him for who he is. And LOVE him for who he is. I am far from a naggy, emotional time bomb that maybe you think I am. Thanks to him, I've matured very well.

I started to put my thoughts into action. I started to overlook things. I started to show love in the daily little activities. The result was that we had our fourth child...

Going to have to take your reply in sections, Sherlock:

I walked out once. For two days. Ten years ago. And I haven't really told you guys WHY I walked out that day; the reason I haven't told you is because it would be hurtful to him to talk about it. That's funny, isn't it? He's not even on this site/it's an "anon" site/he's never going to hear about this conversation....and yet, I can't tell you some of his deepest darkest "demons." Because I love and respect who he is. I'm not an emotional ticking time bomb. I'm actually very well adjusted considering all; and I have a great capacity for introspection, metacognition, finding problems and then finding solutions. I rely strongly on God to help me through my life and that is a strength, not a weakness. God gives us a sound mind and I keep that promise close to my heart. I strive for a happy and healthy life, and I will do what needs to be done to make sure that is the case...even looking at ugly truths in myself...and then FIXING THEM.

I DO have some emotional baggage. My husb grew up in a very emotionally healthy household and had a pleasurable young adulthood. On the other hand, I suffered a great deal...right up to the time I met him.

He has conceded one thing to me: He has said that anyone else who went through what I've gone through would be in a terrible situation: psych hospital/drugs/******hooker on the corner/dead...

My response to that is that it is BECAUSE OF HIM that I have been able to move forward. I have told him that THIS is my best life. I have told him that his stability and security has taught me how to "ADULT" properly.

I have been angry, resentful and frustrated in our marriage. I have expressed it from time to time when I have to. I don't know if that's really such a bad thing. I also express happiness, joy, love, respect, contentment. Far more often than the other....

Thank you guys. Hopefully all things work out for the best....

I appreciate your concern and care so much

Thank you so much for that. I appreciate it more than you know

I'm glad your wife took the keys. She doesn't want you to die or be hurt badly in a car crash...or hurt someone else.

And yeah, the lawyer fees are tough to stomach. But so is the cost of the drugs and alcohol you've been doing for so long. If the lawyer fees could get you guys a vaca to the Bahamas, imagine what you could have done with all that money over the years :)

I'm hooked on a certain coffee from a certain coffee shop (NOT Starbucks) and I get it every day. Well, not really...I try to cut down all the time. But then I start to get it three times a week, four times a week, and every day. Sometimes more than once a day.

And it's not awful to have those coffees. What is awful is that they are $6/each. And that's $180/month. That doesn't include the tip, so add another $30 for $210/month. $2500/year. And I almost have a heart attack. What a frivolous waste! We could do a lot of more fun things with that money. It's when I save my receipts that I stop getting the coffees. I look at a month's worth of receipts and force myself to cut down to once a week or something like that (and I really ENJOY the coffee SO MUCH more when I only get it once a week!) Then the cycle starts all over...haha

Anyway, my point is that drugs and alcohol are much more pricey. You could do so much more with that money...but it's not about the money as much as it is about the safety. You need to be safe. It seems like you are your family's rock.

Finally, I DO understand the older pains....I have a narcotic that I get from a doc once in a while for migraines. I really only get 1-2 migraines a year. So I don't use the meds that often. But there have been a couple times when I've used them for things NOT related to migraines. When I've had a little ache and pain...related usually to my knee from all the years of skiing...or when I want to "check out" for a little while, I take one. Honestly, I've only taken them in the wrong way less than half a dozen times in the years, but still. I get what you are saying....it's a very attractive idea.

Thank you NaCtHoMan,

I think that you will find someone great. I think it's harder for today's youth to find long term good relationships because of all the opportunity to cheat with online stuff; because of the fact that youth are less comfortable in face to face situations than they are in online situations, and the fact that everything today seems...temporary.

Keep looking and fighting for it, and I think it will pay off and you will find someone. Don't settle, whatever you do.

As for me: I don't really want my life upended. I don't want the kids' lives to be tossed around and for them to be a "statistic." We've worked too hard. Maybe it would be for the best because there ARE some pretty serious issues in our marriage. But...I do love my husb, and we've been through a lot together. Above all, he's my best friend.

^^^ This is just me trying to bolster myself. I realize that I did not pull out out of that debt; it took both of us.

I also realize I am not the only one responsible for raising our kids the way that they turned out. Part of it is their own personalities and of course, the home environment overall has helped them develop into who they are: their father included

I guess you're right, Smiley. It is showing emotion. Though he didn't say it with emotion. It was, "Hey, do you want to go get a coffee and drive to the new neighborhood with me? We can talk about getting a divorce in the car"

We always talk about anything important in the car; away from the kids.

We also spend quite a few afternoons when he gets off work driving around town while we sip a coffee. Talking in the car about things that need to be discussed.

IDK why he would want to drive to the new neighborhood. We won't be closing on a house if there is a divorce.

It was just weird the way he brought it up....like it's "the usual..."

We both know everyone's lifestyle would change if I went to work outside the home. It would change with a divorce, too. Both would be drastic changes.

We just spent $2500.00 in November, with an attorney, to develop a trust...and why?

I agree with you about the people who are "supposed" to help....I think that part of the problem in society today is that everyone capitalizes on everything. THINGS have become more important than PEOPLE. It's bothersome to me; I think people are amazing and I love to be the one to help someone out and give that hand so that they can get a foot up. And I'd love to have a real friend nearby who would do the same for me. But people are not only unwilling to help these days; but also the people who NEED help are not able to ask for it and/or accept it anymore. I think it's because too many have gotten "burned."

Does your wife know about all of the things you're into? Do your kids? Does it affect them? Maybe they are the key to you getting things fixed. Maybe if they show "tough love" and you have an ultimatum with them, it will make you want to get clean because you want to keep them in your life (??) Also do you WANT to be clean? As I've gotten older, I've noticed that the "hard" life is too hard. You know...the energy levels are not what they used to be. Neither are the knees, back, hips...you know what I mean. So maybe that is part of why you are having an issue with it now: it could be your age....(??) Fentanyl, though. Wow.

The people I've known who were pretty heavy drug users seemed to have brain (cognitive/reasoning/thinking/mathematical/grammatical/tenacity/self reflection/comprehension) issues. Their brains didn't work the way they were supposed to; too many brain cells damaged, I suppose. But you seem to be sharper than a tack, so maybe it's been a good thing for you ;) I'm really just kidding. Drugs are rarely a good thing....

I do believe in God. I believe that being truly connected with God and truly trying to live a life he would be proud of...makes people want to be better people. But too many people are lacsadaisical about their relationship with God, leading to incredulity regarding him.

The scenario about the young girl being surprised about the ol' geezer being in NA is sorta funny :)

Best of luck in finding the help you need. Be careful. Even though you've managed to live this lifestyle since you were 12, doesn't mean that it won't catch up with you.