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After nearly 20 years, 4 kids, and TONS of frustration on my part, my husband has said that we should divorce.

Sorry. This is going to be LOOOOOONG:

It is crazy. Our relationship is sort of complicated and I'm not sure how much detail to go into here, but there have been two times where we have discussed divorce...and it's really mostly been me who discussed it.

First time was when we were married for 10 years and I just couldn't take his lack of empathy and emotion anymore (he's SUPER non emotional, even toward me and the kids. Doesn't show anger, which is good; but also rarely shows love or concern, either) Anyway, we got into our biggest ever fight (and really only I fought because he is so non committal). I threw a chair down on the floor and stormed out of the house, got in the car, and drove. I ended up in Kansas, got a hotel room, and stayed in the hotel for 2 days, praying and crying and trying to figure out "where to go from here..." I am a strong Christian, and I do feel as if marriage is sacred. I went back home, but he hadn't even bothered to try to find me while I was gone for the 2 days and never mentioned the fight or my disappearance, which made me frustrated. So I decided to move out/started to look at condos for sale. I was in school at the time, working on my master's degree, and he said that he would pay my mortgage and any expenses until I was out of school because he wanted me to be okay and the kids to have the same standard of living when they were with me as they did with him. I know that is showing care/concern, but the way he said it, it was like he was being "dutiful."

Two things happened...number one, when I told a realtor that I was divorcing, she went and got me a copy of "The Love Dare," and handed it to me (it was in her trunk). Second, I felt like...what kind of guy pays all expenses to make sure everyone is okay...what a good guy. Maybe it can work.


The next time was about three years ago, when we were fighting (again, really just me)...I was just trying to get some emotions out and to have someone love me; validate and empathize with some things that happened in my childhood that still sometimes make me sad. (sometimes something will make demons surface and memories are sometimes hard to deal with) He is soooooo non emotional about this stuff....I'm sobbing and he walks out of the room. (and believe me: I do NOT cry very often at all. I don't find much use in it. I'd rather wipe my face, get up, move on and get something accomplished. It takes a lot for me to actually CRY). So, when he walked out of the room in my time of need, I yelled at him that we need to get counseling. And then I said, "Really YOU need to get counseling so that you can learn how to live life fuller...with all the hard, nasty, awful, shitty, weird, confusing, crazy, wonderful, beautiful, shiny emotions that are involved with LIVING!" He said he did feel emotions and that he would go to counseling. But we never did and the next day was the same ol same ol... settling into the routine....and I got counseling; he didn't/we didn't.

I've NEVER cheated on him. I'm really good with money and I make our money grow into things that are pretty spectacular....from paying things off to investing to enhancing our life pretty well to closing on our 6th house in March (as long as we don't divorce...) He's awful with money. When we met I had 2 houses, a NEW car, no debt (other than mortgages), and a little in savings. He had nothing in savings, no car, no house, and over $80k in debt. I was 28/he was 42. I pulled him/us out of that icky scenario and made things better....

I know I don't work outside the home much, and I really feel guilty about it sometimes. However,I've had PT and temp jobs pretty often over the years. In the last 3 years, I babysit for over a dozen families and tutor anywhere from 6-8 kids at any given time. I make up my kids' curriculum (that I hope to sell one day), homeschool four kids, manage our properties, buy and sell our properties, mystery shop, and our kids are in sooo many things and I coordinate everything and taxi everyone around. I have to say that my whole life...whatever I decide to do...I do the best I can, and I end up excelling at whatever it is. I have a master's degree in psychology and a master's degree in education. So I've been pretty successful in raising well adjusted, happy, healthy, well behaved, smart kids. I'm working on a book. It's 400 pages and I have to actually pare it down... I have a good story to tell.

Anyway, I don't know if part of the problem is that he wants me to go to work full time...? Every time I ask or mention getting a job, he says that he wants me to stay home and do what I'm doing. He tells me that I make enough money by being home and doing the things I mentioned....and still have supper on the table and the kids are doing well. So he likes that, I suppose. But at the same time, he wants to retire soon, and he can't retire if I'm not working somewhere.

I also sometimes feel like he settled for me. He might have wanted someone far different from me...he's never said that. I know he has never cheated on me. So IDK!

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Nobody else is going to start a post, looks like I'll have to talk to myself.

Sorry to hear about your troubles, Doc. I never imagined you were into the drugs.

I have not been much of a drug user, but I have been around and close to many who were. Almost all of them say that after they get clean, it's a daily struggle (less of a struggle as days...and years...go by) to say "no" to the drugs. Many of them say that when they drink or smoke, it makes them want the drugs more

I wish you luck in your efforts to get clean. And to stay that way

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Are people inherently good or evil?

PepperJ wrote:
I agree with little kids being selfish and non empathetic.

...But also amazingly sweet and insightful :)

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Are people inherently good or evil?

I agree with little kids being selfish and non empathetic.

You could take it a step further and realize that even teens and early 20's do not have fully developed reasoning abilities in their brains, and so that leads to pretty selfish behavior from time to time.


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Are people inherently good or evil?

People on help are inherently good ;)

Everyone else sucks and needs our positive influence

haha, jk. I'm a b!0tch, honestly

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Happy New year.....

smiley wrote:
I hate moving too, but I was sending positive vibes. You too, @PepperJ , you need some positive moving vibes too.

Thank you so much :)Looks like it will be March before we move now....lol.

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Happy New year.....

Buying a house is stressful! I'm also moving into a new house in Feb or March. Not really looking forward to it....sooooooo much junk to move!

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At the thought of going back to school, assuming I went through a two or four year program, I'd be about 43/45 years old.

I would love to be able to be financially secure with a good idea and a thousand bucks :) Help me come up with some ideas....

Right off the bat, I'm thinking the lottery is the best chance I have. And I never play the lottery, so....lol

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At the thought of going back to school, assuming I went through a two or four year program, I'd be about 43/45 years old.

Go to school. You're going to be 45 anyway, might as well be 45 with a degree. When 45 finally rolls around, you will think back to what you could've done with that time. School is a great way to spend time, imo.

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Why are you here?

At help.com? I'm here because I wanted to get to know a bunch of people and have deep or thoughtful conversations. I haven't found any other chat sites that are anything other than superficial and sexual.

On the planet? I suppose to be a mom, which disappointed me for a while because I started off in my 20's pretty "accomplished." But I am making a difference in a little circle, and that's okay.

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