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Last post before I go back into hiding.

Im also proud that throught the duration of my relapse with my health i have managed to read most of the dr myhill book about getting myself well. Took well over a year and wasnt extremely difficult and made me more unwell sometimes in the short term. But worth it in the long term.

Im proud of myself that when the drs had no idea what to do with me, refused tests and simply wanted rid of me, i have taken it upon myself to learn and pay for my own tests.

Proud for ignoring the - you cant do that dr junk.

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Last post before I go back into hiding.

Not satisfied.

Proud of my Alevel in biology that i managed to get despite being told i should try a different subject. Was told id get an e or d n shud try something else.
It was also around the time when i was going through a nervous breakdown and then ended up homeless lodging at someones home for months n was severely depressed.

I almost changed to childcare.. but i then changed my mind and kept trying and got a B. I love kids but i couldn't hack so many all at once. The noise n over stimuli would drive me nuts. Yet a felt passion to learn biology.

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TRIGGER (since my friend said i shud use trigger warnings n whatever..)

Life ends up sleep eat n poop.

But coming on here means not enough energy for food drinks or pills.

Do i pick something i enjoy that makes life abit more worth living and get more sick....

Or do it purely survive each day with no enjoyment.

Whilst i wait for professionals to try and help me.

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TRIGGER (since my friend said i shud use trigger warnings n whatever..)

Atleast ive briefly been able to sort of wander into another room for a few minutes sometimes.

Better than when i couldnt and would feel like tearing the room apart and needing new pictures on the walls to change the scenery.

When i couldnt even have the curtains open.

Atleast i am able at times to come on here and express myself somewhat instead of being paralysed n locked up inside myself.

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TRIGGER (since my friend said i shud use trigger warnings n whatever..)

The commode pot wouldnt have spilt on the carpet if mam hadnt caused to lose my temper by telling me i wasnt trying hard enough...

Then again though, the first time pot spilt was when i was sitting on commode n using my arms and legs to get into the next room when i was on my own.

Frustrating the extra work caused by me getting distressed by beinf told i wasnt trying.

When ive tried harder than anyone else. Ofcourse i would cos its me suffering

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in the works..

Its how i feel. Hopes washed away. Id hoped to recover n have a good future but now i see how bad the world is getting n i don't think ill b having kids. My biggest dream.

There is little future in this life anymore. B little future for children.

Sometimes i like writing poems too

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in the works..

Its good

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TRIGGER (since my friend said i shud use trigger warnings n whatever..)

Im in my own home. Care is complex. Circumstances are complex. My illness is complex.

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Some of my friends I grew up with ended up being party goers on the weekends and that sort of thing.

The thing is, is that if they do not "fit in" with the group, there will always be another group where they feel they belong. There will always be people who value who you are based on who you really are and your true colours.

You cant please everyone, so please yourself. Not in the unkind sense, but embrace your true colours.

The odd night out was nice and i LOVE music and LOVE to dance. Enjoy but stay safe. But do not get caught up in the things that do not matter.

Do not get caught up in the competition of who can drink the most. Boosting who can disregard their health the most is so stupid. People appreciate what they have only when its gone.

Im 28 and id rather i had my health, children and a job than need to have carers come empty my commode. Even worse when its my mam and shes wretching.

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Some of my friends I grew up with ended up being party goers on the weekends and that sort of thing.

There are many people whos idea of a good time is seeing how many people they can..... "jump into bed with".

I think many people go on night outs regularly go so they look good. What i mean is... people compete with each other in ways. With looking good and needing a new outfit each week.. people want to fit in with others. They want to be liked. They want to be inside a group feeling they have somewhere yo belong, rather than being outside looking in.

Sometimes it can look like the grass is greener on the other side. Sometimes because its not real grass!

People are not always their authentic selves on a night out.

People see magazines of photoshopped people and think they have to look "sexy" like they do on the mag. Woman can sort of compete with each other in a sense. Silently comparing how they each look thinking, i wish i looked as nice as her. Andit continues that they try to look as nice as her.

But what people don't realise is that people in mags are photoshopped and not real images AND self worth does NOT come from outward looks. Who you are depends on what you do with your life. Everyone has self worth.

Only you can decide who you are. Self worth is not dependant on the acceptance of others.

Those who matter dont mind. Those who mind dont matter.

What i mean is, be true to you and follow your own path in life. Never let anyone else hold the pen whilst writing the story of your life. Never compare your path to anothers path. Neither are right or wrong. Theyre simply different and diversity is the spice of life.

Never give in to peer pressure.

It doesnt matter how much money others are spending. It doesnt matter what others do for fun. It matters what you decide is best for YOU.

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