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92 replies, Replies 11 to 20

The Swansong.

soco wrote:
How about when you found love?

I can't really say I've ever truly loved anyone. I more so appreciated the company.

I actually don't believe I'm capable of truly loving another person.

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The Swansong.

soco wrote:
And have you been on medication all this time since?

On and off (the past 3 years). Usually I get taken off something when my body begins to show adverse effects.

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The Swansong.

soco wrote:
At what age were you diagnosed? By a physician with, I'm guessing, mediocre background in it.

First diagnosis at age 16. Then diagnosed again at the aggression clinic thing. And about 3 years ago again.

soco wrote:
Have you ever experienced happiness? If so, when and where?

I can't actually recall. And that makes me incredibly upset.

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The Swansong.

soco wrote:
I believe you. I've never experienced one. And nothing severe enough to cause a coma or concussion.
Do you think that has caused your depression or just exacerbated it?

I think it caused enough damage in my head to start the psychotic episodes. The depressions started much sooner (around the age of 14 I think).

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The Swansong.

soco wrote:
Understandable. How long ago was the car accident? Sorry it happened.

4 years ago now.

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The Swansong.

soco wrote:
The absence of an enemy....
Sounds like a Stephen King book. Do you read much?

Ever since the accident I lack the focus too. I read two pages then I need to re-read them to actually process what I read. Which works, but is exhausting.

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The Swansong.

soco wrote:
Do you work?

Not currently allowed to (security risk "get violent when provoked") (following a burnout at my previous job.)

After the next therapy attempt they're going to reevaluate. And I might be able to start at 10 hours per week then for starters.

"This may I add also ads to the whole feeling like a failure situation." Even though a minor heart attack following 3 months of constant death threats by customers likely isn't much of a choice. (Don't work for internet service providers) ^This aggravated the depression.

This was followed by a traffic accident which started the psychosis after a concussion.

And when I started to recover from that my mother had a series of strokes that eventually killed her. After getting better, then sick again, then a bit better, then in a coma. To say she suffered is putting it mildly.

It's odd, how you can be angry enough to kill. Only to realise you have no one to blame. That absence of an actual enemy is maddening. Who can you blame for a bloodclot? No one, it's a hard thing to get around.

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The Swansong.

soco wrote:
Still. Many questions will be left unanswered.
Would it make a difference if I told you I will miss you severly?

Might sound rude, but no. I've seen great people die and be forgotten by their own family in a matter of weeks. I don't even deserve to be a memory at that rate.

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The Swansong.

soco wrote:
It will actually create a burden. Both financial and psychological.

I have the finances covered, as well as the will.

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The Swansong.

soco wrote:
What will be accomplished by you dying?

It'll remove both a risk, given psychosis is a thing. And an economical burden.

Plus I believe my organs will be some use hopefully for people who actually want to live life.

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