I'm a 5ft 2 adult

Haha oh well that's the one thing about going anon. I forgot about that

And I'm definitely a girl lol

I hardly eat much recently..

Wow my story is so complex... I'd eat if I had more help n if it were going to be worth the effort

Been online distracting myself from life

That makes me giggle. I know u don't understand, but it's nice that u care :)

I'm surprised u remember me. And thank u. I need carers to help feed me/prompt me and a special diet to help me get better.

I can't follow my special diet or my treatment until I get extra care hours.

I mean at times I can feed self but times I can't. I fluctuate all the time. And cognition fluctuates too. And lack of support and professionals ignoring me when communicating is really hard for me just makes me wanna give up

I've ripped my hair out twice and felt suicidal when I struggled to talk a couple years ago.

I wasn't nice to mam.... I took ages to understand n then wanted to say sorry but couldn't talk... for about 2 weeks of no speech hardly n minimal words whispering or on writing on sticky notes.

Dad said i treated my mam like **** and that u could have rang her and told her about the charity number that could have helped her while she was doing my benefit forms.

But I cudnt use phone.

When he left I screamed punching myself in head, scratched my arms, bit into top of my left arm until heard muscle crunch and I wanted to die.

Then called all the numbers I had on my paper. No one answering. Until last one was mam. Told her she didn't have to do the forms n just leave them cos it doesn't matter.....crying then told her what happened n said sorry. Then sis came to mine n sat with me.

N dad kept his distance for a long time. He loves me but doesn't understand my illness.

(Stress response sends blood to muscles so sort of mask symptoms of exhaustion and makes u temporarily able to do stuff that u couldn't do otherwise

My hair is all matted now n I dont get washed or wear clothes n don't do my teeth much. I used to be pretty but my skin n stuff is just a mess now. Least of my worries though with appearance.

But enough care for personal hygiene would be nice...

And I'd love to one day be able to be clean. I'd love to be able to have a proper bedbath again.

Would be amazing to have clean hair.

I've dreamt of having baths but I'm too poorly

I can't go to church and I've tried some charities but they don't have funding. I'm still trying to get one though.

I'm wanting to join 25%group for M.E cos then I xan go on waiting list and eventually have some support to help me get support I need.

Also I want to try and and get autism advocacy support too but I don't have a diagnosis (I think I got aspergers) and I dunno if that makes a difference.
And... brain fog...... it's hard to communicate to find stuff out.

But the email stuff is hard and I started emailing myself by accident. I get confused doing emails and I forget stuff.

I know my friend helping look into some stuff n I ask him to send me it in the post. I can't remember properly what he is sending me though. I forgot

Mam gave me form to do for 25%group but I lost it. But it confused me how to fill it in n need to pay to join, but mam does my money but I don't want to ask her to help me fill forms in cos she doesn't communicate very good with me.

I struggle processing info and doesn't adapt and last weekend I punched myself in the head out of frustration.

I need carer help me understand but mam not there to do money when carer there

Not sure how I cud talk with a church.

I get really scared talking to strange people sometimes cos lots people hurt me now make me cry n it in the past made me not wanna live anymore n make me hurt myself.

I'm not on reddit and it's hard for me to mix with people for logs reasons.

N going online even here uses up loads energy.

I got friend support but they dunno what to do N sometimes I get mixed up telling them what help I need

My mam gets mixed up too though. How she interprets things is often so mixed up and then she tells people stuff that isn't true.

Mam got cognition struggles too and I think she might have some struggle with her mental health.

When I communicate with mam b4 she has been horrible to me and told me no one is listening to u. As if is needed her reminder.

My carers really love me and care about me a lot. I feel they listen to me more and understand me better.

My mam tries to make decisions for me sometimes and gets angry when I don't want to do it her way.

My carers listen to what I want and help me make my own decisions.

I'm still trying to get my mam to understand.

Sorry I'm all backwards. I really should have said thank u first

My mam doesn't explain anything clearly. She talks in riddles. And I think her anxiety takes over and she got a real negative attitude. Sometimes I wonder if she got a below average IQ. I don't mean that to sound mean but she relays information incorrectly to people and misleads them at times.

She does love me but sometimes she is struggling so bad herself that she doesn't always know what is best

I could cope with the illness I'm going through if I have carers to support me but not enough time.

I really need carers to help me have relationships. It's only recently that I've been able to come online again and b4 that I used to think of dying so I didn't have to be lonely anymore

I really like it here. I missed this place so much. I really wanted it to come back and now it's back :)

Feels like home. Feels so reassuring to me to see this place again. My safe hidey hole.

This place really helped me when I was younger. I still tell people that it changed my life. Even my carers have been told hoe much this place helped me n how it meant a lot to me. I've written it out n put in my care plan. Part of my history.

And then I get invite to be here n it's actually here again ❤ and it looks the same. I love it

Oh and thank u again lol I'm a bit of a dipstick sometimes y know lol xx

I think im going to take a break from coming on here. Its really making my brain alot more poorly looking at the light on screens and reading and writing is using up too much energy in my brain and really badffecting my cogntion. I dont want to lose it and be deemed to have no or partial capacity.

I need to take some time out to rest and repair my brain again before i coeme back.

Cos even when people r trying to help me im struggling to followthe help cos my brain so poorly.

And coming online too much affects my brathing and slows it and causes paralysis and excessive sleep so i dont have energy to feed myself. And i dont have correct level of care to feed up when im at my worst.

It has taken my mam 4 hours to fee me before when im really bad. Right now those professoinals are not really listening, so i need to get m brain back so i can work out the next steps to take, because the professionals are not really very interested.

My private dr would support me so long as i have the cogntion to know what help to ask for, the cogntion and energy to communicate with them.

Im struggling o comprehend processing information coming into my brain and more often struggling to cognitively find the words i need to use to express self.

My private dr is corrospondence only as she i very far away from me.

Theres so many barrieers and i really need my brain back so i can work out how to deal with them all.

Cos if i keep going as i am ill end up a medical emergency and end up with any old dr coming out and their lack of training and undesrtanding around myillness meaning they treate me ike im bad behaved.

Last time i thought i was dying the medics shouted at me and the hospital staff. They shouted at me for my symptoms. The medic was shouting at me to STOP BREATHING LIKE THAT!!

I was shouted at for being sick.

I was shouted at for being unable to sit upright in wheelchair.

I was shouted for struggling to the extreme to communicate over and over and when i manged to expressmyself they just reapeteded themself, WE STILL DONTKNOWWH WEARE HERE.
Id tell them again
And he would say again we still dont know why we are here!
Over and over again.
I said you dont believe me do you?
He said, well you were talking fine a minute ago.

I had pointed to the house phone which had my mams numbers written on it and the papper celetaped around the phone wth mam wrote on it. When they asked me to talk, i pointed to the phone and he said he wouldnt call my mam and proceded to try to force me to speak instead.

They shouted at me to move when i said i was incapable. They said i wasnt trying.

Ive had so many sleepless nights from the way they treated me. Id really rather die than ever have to go back in to hospital again. They did not do proper testing and left me without a buzzer and they didnt monitor me properly.

They shouted at me to do things which were impossible for me and shouted that NOW YOURE JUST BEING SILLY!! SIT UP!!! And telling me she had more people than just me, really nasty tone and loud at me.

They treated me as if my physiological illness was a choice.

Id rather die at home than have to ever go back into hospital.

But id really rather not die at all if i can hep it.

I just need to be strong when people treat me like shitand keep head strong and keep going.

Everything is so complicated. I wish it were all easier to explain.

Ill try to kwep coming back here when im better able

@BA1

Thank you @BA1 :) hugs

Hahaha! It's a weight measurement in the UK :) stones an pounds. Google will tell u more

@Rockster160 please can i make this not anonymous? I changed my mind