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Nevermind
last online: 02/20, 6:06
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I'm not expecting to magically get better.


I'm not expecting a knight to some save me.
I dont even like romance.
I'm not expecting anything of anyone.

People think cause I want to die that I'm not happy. I'm actually pretty happy.

I'm somewhat on my own.
Sometimes I wish there was someone who understood mental health AND me as well as my past therapist so I could explain it and not be judged.
I hate all the assumptions. I hate the different treatment.
I hate the time of voice. I hate it.
Even as a kid. When I had a cough I'd try to hide it and cough into my pillow to muffle it because I hated being treated like I was sick.

It makes me uncomfortable.

I struggle because right now, I want to live and be here for my cats. Expecailly now at such a crucial time for them.
But it's so hard.
I worry I just wont be able too and I'll do it.
If im going to be alive I want to be HERE. At home. With them. Not in the hospital.
But at the same time. I feel I may die

It sounds stupid to those who dont understand.
Like to you or probably sounds like I'm saying "i hate broccoli. I dont want to eat it" then I pick up the fork and eat it.
I just cant describe it

I don't want to hear
"Just be positive, if your working more you wont have time to think about dying, happiness is something you work for" or whatever cliche generic response people spit out.

I'm not looking for someone to make it better.
It would be toxic for anyone to try to get to know me.
I just want to talk about it but not to crisis and I already tried a hotline and it didnt work for me.

I dont know if anyone understands me here.
I want to be here for at least a couple more months so I can see something through.
I dont want to live for years. But right now. I cant die.
Yet sometimes it's such a hard thing to keep myself safe.

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Since writing this post Nevermind may have helped people, but has not within the last four (4) days.
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Helpbot
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Suicide Prevention Lifeline

If you are contemplating suicide, hurting yourself, or you are seriously depressed: please, seek professional help!

Call this hotline (1-800-273-8255) operated by our friends at the Suicide Prevention Lifeline, anytime, for free, professional, and confidential assistance. While other Helpers are likely to reply to your post, please make sure you understand that your use of Help-QA.com falls under or TOS.

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Anonymous
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(55 minutes after post)
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Keep your head up.
Being alive is good, even if sometimes it doesnโ€™t feel that way. Even if sometimes we donโ€™t want to be.

Youโ€™re doing great. ๐Ÿ˜Š

Happy earth
smiley
last online: 11/26, 18:47
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(6 hours after post)
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I won't pretend to understand, that would be fake. It doesn't matter, I care what happens to you anyway. I don't want you to die, but I want you to find your contentment. Is that selfish of me? I would be sad if I found out that you had died.

What's going on with your cats?

Billy mills
Lawn
last online: 02/18, 4:01
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(10 hours after post)
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What is time of voice and what do you hate about it?

How many cats do you have and what are their names?

Help me with:

How difficult is it to build a back-end rest API with Amazon Web Services?

Dr. ralph club zps9ornptsl
DocteurRalph
last online: 10/23, 23:49
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(11 hours after post)
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Hey if you die you won't get to come on here and *****bitch. Hell that's half the reason I'm still alive. Well I want to make sure a select few other people are more miserable than me, that's reason enough not to kill yourself... what's up with those cats? If they need eradicated I have gun, will travel. Just saying.

Help me with:

I need help.

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Original Poster
Nevermind
last online: 02/20, 6:06
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(13 hours after post)
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Phew. I was expecting to be super agitated by the replies.
Also I wrote it before bed so not sure how well I was at the time.

As for my cats. Eleanor is pregnant. She is due August 12th. I've been preparing for this for a long time and I was starting to think it wouldn't happen this summer. But it did. I'm thrilled to have little bitty persian babies. And only I can raise them right. But I thought it would be easier once my cat got pregnant
That it would be easier to stay. But if anything. I feel more suicidal then ever. Not because of the cats. They are perfect. But because thats just how I feel. I feel so close to successfully ending it.
I know that's a wrong feeling
I know I got depression. But I lived with it since i was 12 so it just became the norm. And I still find ways to be happy.

I'm sorry. "Time of voice" was a typo. Its suppose to say TONE of voice.

314sftf
Nix
last online: 11/28, 9:31
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I always find it strange how animals can help us so much. I wouldnโ€™t be here if not for my dog.

Are you keeping any of the kittens or are they going to new homes?

Iโ€™m not a cat person but I would be tempted to get a Siamese ๐Ÿ˜„

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Nevermind
last online: 02/20, 6:06
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(13 hours after post)
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I have four cats.
Eleanor and Agnes had haircuts a few months ago so their hair hasnt grown out yet.

http://i64.tinypic.com/2u73tcw.jpg

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Original Poster
Nevermind
last online: 02/20, 6:06
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(13 hours after post)
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Kitten versions for fun.
http://i68.tinypic.com/2hxyutk.jpg

314sftf
Nix
last online: 11/28, 9:31
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(13 hours after post)
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Oh I love Eleanorโ€™s eyes! Wow

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Nevermind
last online: 02/20, 6:06
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(13 hours after post)
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I probably wont keep any from this litter. Eleanor is my best cat both show wise and personality wise so I might.

But its have to be a really special kitten.
I'm looking to get a few different colors preferably from different gene pools.
I plan to have 7 cats.
One more Male. He needs to be show quality and an awesome color
And my other 2 females, I'd like a calico, maybe a tabby. I need a chocolate but I'm hoping my Male will be the chocolate. MAYBE another himi. Maybe a shaded. Or maybe even a red. All my girls currently carrie the black gene
Agnes carrys both but mostly black.
Albert is red but half his babies will be himi and I dont all my litters to have himis.

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Nevermind
last online: 02/20, 6:06
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(13 hours after post)
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Carry.. not carrie. Dunno why my phone keeps auto correcting it

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Nevermind
last online: 02/20, 6:06
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(13 hours after post)
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I've been looking all year. None of the persians within 2 hours of me are what I'm looking for.
I live put in the boonies so there arnt many breeders. But even less than last year
So it may take me a while to get what I'm looking for.
May have to travel further out.
But for now I'm content so it's not been a huge priority

314sftf
Nix
last online: 11/28, 9:31
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Wow you really know your stuff! Have your cats won any rosettes? I really didnt know they did cat shows. But Iโ€™m not surprised as they are beautiful.

Sometimes you have to travel to get the best. Iโ€™ve been looking all over the country for the best agility dog so might even have to drive 8 hours away. Worth it though when you win

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Nevermind
last online: 02/20, 6:06
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CFA is the cat version of AKC

Agnes and Eleanor have!
My other two are considered pet quality which is part of why I need a good Male.
Esme is beautiful but she has a doll face. Al has slightly larger ears then he should and a doll face.
But I got Esme for 2 reasons, alot of people who dont show prefer persians with a doll face because they think its prettier and less health issues. Also I had my best friend fill out a survey with pictures so I could find his perfect cat. I want to give him one of my kittens so hell have a piece of me as well as hell understand what I'm talking about when I ramble on about my cats.
Once I get started talking about them I'm a bit of a motor mouth.

It seems like my number one hobby is thinking of, talking of, and attempting of suicide.
ACTUALLY. That's hobby number two lol
My cats are my primary focus.

I used to show Great Danes as a kid and teen. I'd do the junior showmanship because prizes there were easy. Then I'd go against the adults in the regular shows. And I was able to finish my grandmas dog even going against all my grandmas friends and their professional handlers.
Grandma had me in classes both to train the dogs as well as train me.
Some of my grandmas friends would have multiple dogs in the ring and would need an extra hand so I'd go and lend a hand showing a dog I've never met.
I hated when they doped the dogs up. It's like dragging them.
I'm trained to handle large dogs and it's better when they are perky even if they are a bit spirited.
But dogs just wasnt for me. I guess my grandma killed the fun because I was never allowed to play with the dogs and the dogs never knew how to play with toys. My grandma said it's because they are show dogs and they have to be serious.
The drooling and slobber of a loose lipped dog wasnt for me and I found a breed I liked better but ultimately I choose cats over dogs.
And applied all my dog knowledge to cats and did tons of research to the point where I cant find new information to learn.

I've raised newborn kittens and helped with the birth process 5 times just from my moms cats or strays and it's my favorite thing.
The days I'm the happiest are the days there are little babies around.
In the past I've never been suicidial when raising kittens. Its scaring me that it's getting harder because I want so badly to raise these babies. I want to be the best persian cat owner as well as breeder. My cats wont be over bred or bred when it's not good for them.
Unlike my grandma these are my pets first and my hobbies second.
I'm just really passionate it.

I dont have much passion for anything else but when I find something I am, I tend to go crazy with it.

314sftf
Nix
last online: 11/28, 9:31
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Wow. That sounds amazing. If you ever get back into dogs, thereโ€™s for more training fun to be had with sporting disciplines. Agility specificly is like one big play session.

And I know what you mean. Thereโ€™s a huge difference between show and working dogs. I honestly canโ€™t stand show dogs, I much prefer the working types.

And I am certain you will be the best Persian cat owner and breeder in the country!

314sftf
Nix
last online: 11/28, 9:31
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I really wish I had gotten into showing when I was your age!

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Nevermind
last online: 02/20, 6:06
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Blu is really good at agility but is not good leaving the house
He has bad anxiety and cant focus around all those people.
I was never able to show him in agility

Vega is being a bit of a clutz but she has longer legs and she is perfect in public. She doesnt approach people unless greater. she walks at my side perfectly and listens to all commands. No traces of anxiety. I might be able to show her. Shes just got to get some more practice in.
The good thing about her is she is willing to jump and fail vs not try.

As for my head start, it was cause I lived with grandma. I dont think I'd of picked it up on my own.

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Nevermind
last online: 02/20, 6:06
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http://i64.tinypic.com/2e21mvs.jpg


http://i66.tinypic.com/30j1ead.jpg

Shes only 5 months.

Billy mills
Lawn
last online: 02/18, 4:01
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Are they kind of territorial? If you get 3 more, do you think the original ********foursome will form an alliance to rise up against the new ones? Do they have claws?

Help me with:

How difficult is it to build a back-end rest API with Amazon Web Services?

314sftf
Nix
last online: 11/28, 9:31
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(14 hours after post)
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My Labrador is the same. He is so anxious when out and about. But he is excellent at agility. Itโ€™s such a shame. So Iโ€™m looking for a pup to train agility from the start. He will be socialised to all the noise, dogs, people and environment so he will be focused when needed. Heโ€™s gonna be a superstar

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Nevermind
last online: 02/20, 6:06
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(14 hours after post)
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No my cats aren't territorial.

Yes they have claws. Show cats need them and I dont believe in declawing.
http://i63.tinypic.com/a43rp.jpg

Billy mills
Lawn
last online: 02/18, 4:01
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Do they play with the dogs or keep to themselves?

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How difficult is it to build a back-end rest API with Amazon Web Services?

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