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I feel guilty and a sense of loss over the seperation of my husband.

I seperated from my husband over two years ago. I used to talk to a guy a lot behind his back through the internet and communicate personally with him (we never met). I was too terrified to break up from my husband because he would at times after an argument try to strangle or hurt himself. We never physically were close and I felt so lonely and dead inside. He used to be quite forceful and it offput me a lot. He used to lie a lot too.

The reason I was with him is because I enjoyed his company.

I never physically touched anyone or met anyone outside the marriage but in a way how I behaved was still like having an affair. I still feel guilty.

I always wanted to be a modest faithful person and I guess I don't feel that way in the present.

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feel, lot, met, husband, guilty
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SlightlyUnique
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Be true to yourself.

Really.

You know the truth - and since you have left him his opinion - while I realise you do care about it - is actually irrelevant to you. You need to take that step back and look at yourself, realise that you weren't in the wrong and then step forward to what you want to be, and what you should be :)

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ProffVampy
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Having recently also left a long term relationship i would say that if it didnt feel right and didnt make you happy then it was the right thing to do. For a long while i was worried about what he would do and if ge would be ok but i realised that i needed to focus on myself first...if i wasnt happy then it was never going to realistically work. I understand the feelings of guilt around inappropriate contact with others, even when there is no harm or intent in it. I found that those conversations were the reason i realised how unhappy i was. Now i feel freer and much happier and able to find someone to be happy together with. I know that wasnt filled with advice but i hope seeing another having dealt with similar and come out better than before gives your some hope :)

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Ambereyes
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Well firstly, let me just say that I'm so sorry that you are holding onto this pain. It can't be an easy thing to bear by any stretch of the imagination.

Secondly (and I say this kindly) whereas you may have been emotionally unfaithful, I would argue that you were likely pushed to it and it was your strong morals that stopped anything further from happening. Sometimes a relationship match just isn't meant to be, and it becomes a toxic and painful place for both participants. From what you have said about how he would become angry/forceful/lie... he wasn't obeying one of his vows to you. Where was the love and support offered?

I suppose my point is, that the pain and isolation that was inflicted on you left you needing the positive conversations with another person where you couldn't seek it with him. You need to let go of the guilt because you did what was necessary to keep going.

You cannot set yourself on fire to keep someone warm.

My advice to you would be look at yourself as human, you have made mistakes because you are human. Treat yourself gently and with kindness, and put your past in the past to look forward.

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soco
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You can't change anything in your past. You can put actions into play to change your future. I wonder if your lack of intimacy with your ex husband is weighing too heavily on your mind. I would recommend you seek some counseling to help you sort out some priorities. I think short term it can help with finding a better future partner.
I would also recommend severing ties with any online males for the time being. Instead use your time in more productive ways such as volunteering or taking a short term class in a hobby you like. Cooking perhaps?

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PepperJ
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You should look to your future and make sure your future and making yourself a stronger person. You can do something for yourself such as gym membership, or a class, or even work on a certificate or degree program. That will boost your self confidence and make you see things from a completely different perspective than the wife in a not so happy marriage, which can be draining, both physically and emotionally.

Once you've stepped out of who you are NOW, and redefined yourself, even a little bit, you can re evaluate and determine what you want to do with the rest of your life.

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soco
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Let me ask, what are your goals? Where do you see yourself in 1 year? 2?

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Anonymous
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Hey I cut out contact with online males a big deal. Im working a lot and have done many things. I believe this was triggered because a new woman he's seeing told him to not talk to me again. I find it hard someone I spent over 5 years with has vanished completely a lot to adjust too.

It's true I was very unhappy in the relationship and felt like I was suffocating. I was too terrified to leave because his behaviour was like manipulative.

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soco
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That's in your past. I want to know about your future.

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SlightlyUnique
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soco wrote:
That's in your past. I want to know about your future.

This.

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