HelpQA Tags Search FAQ
Start a New Post Chat Login & Registration
Screenshot 20201225 201925 google
BuckingFastard(JN)
last online: 12/25, 20:25
Verified User (7 years, 2 months)
Long Term User
Shoutout0

HOW TO GIVE YOUR CAT A PILL:

1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in
left arm and repeat process.

3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear
paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap.
Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill inside end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9) Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10) Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12) Call fire brigade to retrieve the f------ cat from tree across
the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.

13) Tie the little b**tard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of steak filet. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14) Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the
emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and remove pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15) Arrange for RSPCA to collect "mutant cat from hell" and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL:

1) Wrap it in cheese.

This open post was written |
Views: 43, Subscribers: 7 |
Leave a reply | Report Post

⇩ Zoom to bottom
Reciprocity (0)
Reciprocity
Since writing this post BuckingFastard(JN) may have helped people, but has not within the last four (4) days.
Post Tags (5)
cat, mouth, spouse, retrieve, pill
Replies (12)
Helpbot
HelpBot
last online: 11/12, 21:32
Verified User (8 years, 3 months)
Long Term User
Shoutout0
#
(0 minutes after post)
Suicide Prevention Lifeline

If you are contemplating suicide, hurting yourself, or you are seriously depressed: please, seek professional help!

Call this hotline (1-800-273-8255) operated by our friends at the Suicide Prevention Lifeline, anytime, for free, professional, and confidential assistance. While other Helpers are likely to reply to your post, please make sure you understand that your use of Help-QA.com falls under or TOS.

Note: I'm a robot that the Help-QA creators programmed. If this response is in error, I apologize, please ignore it.

Screenshot 20201225 201925 google
Original Poster
BuckingFastard(JN)
last online: 12/25, 20:25
Verified User (7 years, 2 months)
Long Term User
Shoutout0
#
(27 seconds after post)
Quote this reply Report this reply to moderators

Wow, helpbot

1581744157174 1581744149313 miss bot
soco
last online: 03/19, 3:49
Verified User (7 years, 2 months)
Long Term User
Shoutout0
#
(11 minutes after post)
Quote this reply Report this reply to moderators

HAHA ๐Ÿ˜†

Help me with:

We have another hurricane coming this way.

Fb img 1600821388622
Nevermind
last online: 02/20, 6:06
Verified User (6 years, 10 months)
Long Term User
Shoutout0
#
(23 minutes after post)
Quote this reply Report this reply to moderators

You can get a pill popper for the cats at the vet If you ask. But I know this is just a joke.
My cats are tricky too.
What I usually do is put it far back in there mouth. Hold there mouth close. Then in a few seconds they swallow.

Fb img 1600821388622
Nevermind
last online: 02/20, 6:06
Verified User (6 years, 10 months)
Long Term User
Shoutout0
#
(24 minutes after post)
Quote this reply Report this reply to moderators

Maybe helpbot thinks this cat has you so distressed you are considering suicide

Screenshot 20201225 201925 google
Original Poster
BuckingFastard(JN)
last online: 12/25, 20:25
Verified User (7 years, 2 months)
Long Term User
Shoutout0
#
(2 hours after post)
Quote this reply Report this reply to moderators

I haven't yet had to administer any pills to my cat yet, but judging by the fight I have to cut her nails, I imagine this will be pretty accurate.

Fb img 1600821388622
Nevermind
last online: 02/20, 6:06
Verified User (6 years, 10 months)
Long Term User
Shoutout0
#
(2 hours after post)
Quote this reply Report this reply to moderators

I like the challenge

26177036 10215274775811609 2093060189 n
ProffVampy
last online: 05/07, 19:08
Verified User (7 years, 2 months)
Long Term User
Shoutout0
#
(6 hours after post)
Quote this reply Report this reply to moderators

last time Dorian needed a pill i let the vet have a go and even they ended up bleeding xD all in all i avoid the situation where possible!

6ac6ec97 7651 45c5 b346 63c4b75d6c66
Evansent
last online: 08/18, 9:33
Verified User (7 years, 2 months)
Long Term User
Shoutout0
#
(9 hours after post)
Quote this reply Report this reply to moderators

That's why I like dogs.๐Ÿ˜‚

Dr. ralph club zps9ornptsl
DocteurRalph
last online: 10/23, 23:49
Verified User (7 years, 2 months)
Long Term User
Shoutout0
#
(13 hours after post)
Quote this reply Report this reply to moderators

I've got three dogs and no cats. Thanks for the reminder why.

Help me with:

I need help.

Anonymous
#
(1 day after post)
Quote this reply Report this reply to moderators

I ask the vet for a liquid option for the pills if possible. Cause it's easier to put a syringe in there mouth, squeeze the liquid in, than it is to get them to swallow a pill

Anonymous
#
(1 day after post)
Quote this reply Report this reply to moderators

Key word is PILL anonymous. PILLS do not come in liquid!

And it was meant as a joke. Please laugh.

Anonymous wrote:
I ask the vet for a liquid option for the pills if possible. Cause it's easier to put a syringe in there mouth, squeeze the liquid in, than it is to get them to swallow a pill

A
⇧ Zoom to top

Help-QA supports basic Markdown, emoji ๐Ÿ˜, and tagging friends with @username!

To use this site you must be 13 years or older and occasionally submit your email address. Your email address is only shared with your explicit permission.

Home Page - Privacy Policy - Terms of Service - Feedback