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Wil
last online: 06/03, 2:59
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It's about time for a relationship post.

I've been seeing this girl quite casually for a couple of months now. We have lots of hobbies in common, we laugh lots together, and intimacy feels easy.

However, I don't feel infatuated with her. Is suspect partly because of girl no.2. We dated before iet girl no.2 but then decided we'd just be friends. Truth is I'm infatuated with her, but in a very kind and loving way. I want to see her happy, succeed etc. We have the same hobbies, and critically, for the same reasons. We see the world through the same lens. I've never met anyone before who had so much in common with me. She's never said she's not interested in me. Only that she doesn't feel a spark and wishes she did, and she's open to something developing between us if it does.

So naturally I feel like I'm waiting for her. Girl no.1 wants to make things serious and I feel like I'm missing out on a good relationship because of the potential (real or imagined) with girl no.2.

I definitely want to stay friends with girl no.2 because like I said, I've never met anyone like her and I want to be able to call her 'friend'. But what if being friends with her is going to sabotage any possible future relatuonships I might have with others?

Urgh.
Your thoughts, reflections, advice, and experiences appreciated.

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Since writing this post Wil may have helped people, but has not within the last four (4) days.
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Anonymous
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Do I understand it right - you have been seeing two girls at the same time?

And if you stay 'friends' with girl #2, would you still stay in a relationship with #1?

I am not a big fun of dating multiple people, but when I was young, I used to do it.. I hope you will choose the right option.

Happy earth
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What would happen if you tell girl #1 that you like her, but you are infatuated with someone else who doesn't feel the same way about you, and you don't want to hurt her by having divided attention?

Probably you'll end up with neither girl, but usually being honest is best.

Fractal scatter
fractal.scatter
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The conundrum: the wait things out in the hope what you truly want will come to fruition, or settle for what you have and make the best of things.

Critically, I do not think you can be friends with girl 2 and seriously develop your relationship with girl 1 at the same time. Guys have close female friends and partners without issue. This is different, as you harbour feelings beyond friendship for the girl and friendship with her is not conducive to a forming a serious relationship with girl 1.

Wil edited this post .

It's about time for a relationship post.¬ ¬ I've been seeing this girl quite casually for a couple of months now. We have lots of hobbies in common, we laugh lots together, and intimacy feels easy.¬ ¬ However, I don't feel infatuated with her. Is suspect partly because of girl no.2. We dated recently but then decided we'd just be friends. Truth is I'm infatuated with her, but in a very kind and loving way. I want to see her happy, succeed etc. We have the same hobbies, and critically, for the same reasons. We see the world through the same lens. I've never met anyone before iet girl no.2 but then decided we'd just be friends. Truth is I'm infatuated with her, but in a very kind and loving way. I want to see her happy, succeed etc. We have the same hobbies, and critically, for the same reasons. We see the world through the same lens. I've never met anyone before who had so much in common with me. She's never said she's not interested in me. Only that she doesn't feel a spark and wishes she did, and she's open to something developing between us if it does.¬ ¬ So naturally I feel like I'm waiting for her. Girl no.1 wants to make things serious and I feel like I'm missing out on a good relationship because of the potential (real or imagined) with girl no.2.¬ ¬ I definitely want to stay friends with girl no.2 because like I said, I've never met anyone like her and I want to be able to call her 'friend'. But what if being friends with her is going to sabotage any possible future relatuonships I might have with others?¬ ¬ Urgh.¬ Your thoughts, reflections, advice, and experiences appreciated.

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Wil
last online: 06/03, 2:59
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smiley wrote:
What would happen if you tell girl #1 that you like her, but you are infatuated with someone else who doesn't feel the same way about you, and you don't want to hurt her by having divided attention?

This is what I told her at the beginning. All about the honesty! Now that she's decided she wants something more serious she's no longer okay with just being casual. This makes perfect sense, it's just that I need to make a decision about how I respond. Do I try to make something work with girl no.1 and hope that it works out?

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Wil
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fractal.scatter wrote:
Critically, I do not think you can be friends with girl 2 and seriously develop your relationship with girl 1 at the same time. (...) friendship with her is not conducive to a forming a serious relationship with girl 1.

This is my struggle. I could never tell girl no.2 that I no longer want to be friends with her so that I can give relationship with girl no.1 my best shot.
I think I'd rather be single and friends with girl no.2 than be in a relationship with girl no.1 and not have girl no.2 in my life.

Maybe that's my answer, but I worry I'm in over my head with girl no.2 and it's a choice I might regret.

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Lano
last online: 11/14, 3:18
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So, the girl you're "infatuated with" why aren't you dating her right now?

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verge
last online: 03/08, 18:09
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Girl number two sounds uninterested in you, just from the contextless spark comment you shared. You dated girl 1, called it off for girl 2, she turned you down, right? If so, I'm guessing you're not going to have much luck with her, but since you're not really into the girl you're seeing now, maybe you should think about looking for something else. I am one of those people who thinks that real love involves a lot of choice and commitment though and that you won't find it if you're infatuated with people who aren't interested in you. Go get em! Whichever you decide!

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Wil
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Lano wrote:
So, the girl you're "infatuated with" why aren't you dating her right now?

She's not interested in dating me. We both really enjoy each other's friendship though.

verge wrote:
you won't find it if you're infatuated with people who aren't interested in you.

This is very true.

I've decided to call it off with girl no.1 and keep dating other people. The more i think about it, I'm clearly not invested in her for it to continue, regardless of how I might feel about girl no.2

Guess I'm single again!

Thanks for your help everyone :)

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Lano
last online: 11/14, 3:18
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Sounds like you figured it out.

There are girls who will come into your life and it will seem so right. And when they aren't interested, it's usually best to RUN in the other direction.

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Nix
last online: 11/28, 9:31
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I wonder if you make things serious with the girl you are currently dating, the other girl may realise what shes missing and be more interested?

Electric
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I'd go with door #1.

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DocteurRalph
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I'm not a big fan of being friends with girls I like. It sounds like you dumped a girl who really likes you for one that has you in a friendzone you'll never get out of. Keep looking.

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Sherlock
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You messed up. You had a girl who really liked you, but gave her up for a girl who does not care if you live or die. When a girl says she wants to be friends, it means you are dead to her. Stop fawning over that girl and see if you can reclaim the other one!

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Wil
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Sherlock wrote:
gave her up for a girl who does not care if you live or die. When a girl says she wants to be friends, it means you are dead to her.

Just wanted to update and say that me and girl no.1 are best of friends and she does care if I live or die! (having recently narrowly avoided death).
I'm personally not a fan of the discourses that say hetero women aren't interested in platonic male friendships. Doesn't stack up with my experience.

I'm glad I didn't try to make things work with girl no.2 cause ultimately, she deserves better than someone who will settle for her.

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Wil wrote:
Just wanted to update and say that me and girl no.1 are best of friends and she does care if I live or die! (having recently narrowly avoided death).
I'm personally not a fan of the discourses that say hetero women aren't interested in platonic male friendships. Doesn't stack up with my experience.

I'm glad I didn't try to make things work with girl no.2 cause ultimately, she deserves better than someone who will settle for her.

Thanks for the update! I think the reason why people say that girls and boys can't just be friends is because one often falls in love with the other (especially in a best friend scenario). I have had two close guy friends I had to end friendships with because they wouldn't let go of the hope that I would date them. They felt I was their best friend, but they weren't mine, and I didn't want to hurt them. All along I was totally in love with my best friend, and it eventually turned out perfectly, but I think I was the odd case in that he fell in love with me too.

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DocteurRalph
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I think a lot of guys try to be friends with hot girls that they never have a chance with. It pumps up the girl's ego so they go along with it. If you ask 100 guys who are "friends" with a pretty girl if they would sleep with her 99 of them will say yes. If you ask 100 girls who have guy "friends" if they would sleep with him maybe 5 would say yes, and those are the girls who sleep with everyone.

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Happy earth
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DocteurRalph wrote:
If you ask 100 guys who are "friends" with a pretty girl if they would sleep with her 99 of them will say yes.

Yeah, but 99 out of 100 guys aren't very picky. It has nothing to do with wanting a romantic relationship with her. If you changed the question to "would you date/would you marry" your other gender friend, I bet the men's answers would be similar to the women's.

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DocteurRalph
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I agree with that. I think the difference is that women are fine with platonic male friends like Wil said, but I think that most men posing as their platonic friends want more. Like Wil.

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DocteurRalph
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So door #1 doesn't feel a spark but is open to a relationship if she does. You know women are generally looking for someone who can be a good provider if you know what I mean, kind of goes back to cave man times. I have a feeling if you won the lottery she would suddenly have different feelings towards you. At least work on bettering yourself and your income if you want to spark a change.

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Sherlock
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I still recommend leaving the "Friendzone" in which Girl No. 1 put you, and entering the "Boyfriendzone" offered by Girl No. 2.

Life would be much less complicated and frustrating that way.

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