Fine thank you

I dont think its that simple
I might not have a choice
But I hope I can be here for it

I dont think I'll be around for it
But I'm happy
Sad if I cant be here

My cat eleanor is pregnant
Due August 1st

I'm okay. How are you?

Yeah I went to work today
Havent for 2 or 3 weeks. But went back today

I'm okay
How are you

Fun! I’m hanging out with my little cousins tomorrow and then Sunday I’ll be moving all my stuff out of my sisters place

I completely understand girl, hang in there and I’m always here for you

She’s 5 years older. How are you doing by the way?

Yeah it’s frustrating because I’m still mad at her but now it’s on me to kind of move past it

I’ve moved back in with my parents and am moving my stuff out while she’s not there. We aren’t talking but I just found out she’s going to an in patient program after work for her anxiety and depression

Not great, they put down a dog at the animal shelter I volunteer at last night. This week is kicking my butt

I'm just a little suicidal
Not alot
Just eager to open my other arm. But more eager to be home with my Pets so that out weighs it right now

I havent read your post yet even though I was invited too cause I have been busy. I'll try to tomorrow. But I saw its abuse which sounds bad.
I feel like I dont have much advice because I like most the people who hurted me but the people who hurted me werent boyfriend
And if a boy is hurting you should not have to cope with it cause he is being bad.

But I didnt read all the details so I may be assuming.
You domt need a boy I'm your life if they are just gonna hurt you

People hurt me. So I get pets. My pets dont hurt me.
Do you have pets?

Kinda sleepy. Kinda suicidal
You?

I just got home

Okay. I'm eager to get home.

Yeah I talk to my friend

My mom upset me again though. Makes me feel tested to carry out my plan tonight
Everything is ready.
I know that's not what she meant but i feel like now better thatshe said what she said

Got it back

Yeah hes really nice. I totally thought he was a she for 2 months. Which is funny now that i think about it.
But I was too timid to directly ask questions sometimes and because of that i made some silly mistakes like not asking his gender or how old he is. Simple stuff but yeah hes a pretty cool friend to have. Hes consistently there which is nice.

I am happy. I have my pets and my friend and even yeti has became a friend.

I wish i had my cell. I rather than do typing and help qa on there

I could help if you need a friend to vent

I like my therapist. I dont like that i feel tricked by him. He wants me to be in inpatient. and he asked me to speak to the crisis team in person. Since i dont feel comfortable calling them. He thought if i met them id be more comfortable. But actually i feel tricked because crisis said they are forcing me into do a safety plan and such because i talked to them rather then my therapist. SO i feel my therapist kinda misled me to get me on a safety plan.

Do you have any friends?

I was able to speak a little. He has me seeing him tomorrow and the 14th but im so irritated with him i dont think ill speak with him. Other than show up to keep myself being hospitalized.

Why arnt you coping? Do you have people to help ?

I dont joke about my suicide. Except with family. I am honest on here and in therapy.
I only joke about it when I can't tell the truth about it.

Im rather agitated today by Crisis and even my therapist. But other than that i've continued some plans. Cleaned up. Have to do dishes and shower then i'll be set. Not sure when i'll die. But im okay.
My cats and pup are doing okay.

How are you?

Trigger warning i guess. So if your having a bad day don't read.
I'd whisper it so you dont gotta look at it but I forgot how.

I painted my nails. A step to looking nicer for when I die.
If i die. I feel uncertain about date.
I have dbt tomorrow.
If i dont fo I'll get calls.
Wednesday i guess would be ideal.
Tuesday night. Then ill have all night uuntil the mid afternoon to die. Or at least be beyond the point of pumping my stomach. I don't think they did last time cause itwas too late but imn unsure. Afraid to ask mom as its sore subject.
But then. If I wait till the weekend i can get ny hands on alcohol. Not sure if I wanna go that route because then people will say my decisionwas made because of the alcohol. I also dont want to be disrespected by medical and police as just a drunk
But if I'm dead why do i care?
I am thinking of alchohol has a helpful thing. Make the pills more dangerous. Make the arm slicing more easy. If yourdrunk your clumsy dulled to pain a little bit.
But maybe jll get drunk and it wont be help full
Maybe I'll be loud or someone jeopardizing everything. So i dunno. If i wait till the 16th i can get med refills. I have over a 100 but each day i wait to take my life I lessen my supply as the meds help me so sometimes have to take them
The less I have saved the less my chance to die.
Do I wanna wait that long though?
If i wait that long I'll have to restock supplies.
Right now if i did I'm good on supplies.
But if wait that long I'll have to restock and redo preparation
If I wait till the end of June I can play a video game I preordered. That sounds stupid as hell but that's why I put off killing myself till December 9th. A video game i preordered came out end of November and I wanted to play it before dying.

But that's very far away.
Then i got to think about the consequences of my actions. Can they handle cleaning up my left behind messes.Today my mom said she couldnt handle my pup. Gives me doubts. I should probably stay and train her but I dont think I can wait that long. I figured my mom would keep Vega as the other 2 dogs are very old and one isnt gonna be here much longer but maybe I should make an ad for her too.
I'm afraid if I survive of the anger and consequences of my actions. Mom told me last time 4 cats is too much for her.And she didnt even groom them. I dint have the birds or the pup.The birds are simple. feed and water twice week.Change paper once a week. All you gotta do with the cats is feed and water every day
I've been giving them all haircuts so mom doesnt have to groom and plenty of time and food even if she doesn't rehome right away.
I cant be alive and live without the cats. But I've tried to make things simple for when I die.

Part of me wants to see if family reach out on my birthday.The other part knows I'll be very upset and I want that fuel to make sure i really die when commit suicide

I want to have this conversation with my therapist but im not scheduled to see him till the 18th and I dont think I'll wait that long. Part of me wants to call crisis cause they know me.But they will probably call the police even thoughh tonight im not in danger. Police will take me to hospital or atleast raise the alarm bells. I dont qant ro try to kill myself when people are on high alert.

I'm just kinda tryinto stay prepared and hoping kill wake up and just know when its "the day"
Last time i just knew
didnt even cry. Nothing had me upset it was as a good week. I just all sudden knew it was the day.

I'm okay. How are you?

I'll be alright. I predicted this months ago.
I'm in a couple mental health fb groups. They dont allow you to speak of a plan to die and ifind it annoying how every post requires a trigger warning. When you see itfrom the mentalhealth group thsshould be enough warning I feel

A tired Sunday
The mom isnt coming home till after 9am
Making me over 3 hours late for work

And its been acouple days since I slept so this doesnt exactly make it better

It will probably not lift. If I stick it out it might fade a bit. But may get worse. Depends on these next few days i suppose. I have active plans to kick the bucket. Less sure on exact date
Kinda do that when everything is ready and done. But soon

Who knows. Maybe I'll change.

No I'm not the best. But I'm busy today
Watching a toddler who is a bit undisciplined and a newborn
So I have to be okay.

But what's going on. Is it yourdaughter?

Why?

I just want to hide

I'm not sure

Hi

Well I'm the type of person who finds a breed I like and sticks with it. So my cats are persian and I'll continue to get persians
My dog is an Australian shepherd named Blu.
And I plan to stick with Australian shepherds for forever..who knows. I might try another different breed once in a while but I'll always have an aussie.

So my new pup is also an Australian shepherd
Her name is Vega (Vay-ga)

I just got a puppy

Hope you are feeling better. That sounds like a lot of driving, hopefully you were able to rest and recover.

I think most people like to watch movies or animation, maybe she likes animation or anime... am sure you can share more time watching stuff. I guess you just have to ask her what she prefers...

Yup still into programming, i got a bachelor degree in computer science and have been working as a programmer ever since. Its ok not bad.

What is wrong with your daughter?

I dont become aggressive. I'm very passive
If someone puts there hands me me
In a sexual or physical way
I shut down. Sometimes I freeze and do nothing but when it's an aggressive situation I often melt to the floor and have a full fledge panic attack
Sometimes I'll run away. 2 months ago my mom put her hands on me. Even though there was snow. I ran away in my night gown. No coat. No leg or arm coverage. Barefoot. No shoes. I ran barefoot at night crying
My feet felt so numb I couldn't feel the rocks I was running on

I wish you and your daughter the best at her appointment 😁
Have a peaceful sleep 😴

well I didnt like going but then every Monday I see my therapist and he will say how well I'm doing in group and how the therapists say I'm one of there best patients cause I'm so smart
And I've never gotten good grades or been smart so I'll feel good and I'll go again cause its tuesday so Monday hell convince me to go
And tuesday I'll go then I'll not wanna go by the end of the week
Then Monday hell convince me to go.
It's a cycle haha.

I'm used to drama. Certain stuff affects me. Certain stuff dont.
Mostly I'm only affected when words are being said about me or people put there hands on me
Otherwise I'm calm
If George starts attacking me cause I'm moms kid. I'll become suicidal. 🙄
If mom gets drunk and comes in my room that affects me. If someone puts there hands on me that sends me into a panic.

But as long as they are fighting and I'm not a reason. I'm okay.

I'm glad at least you have that. Its important to have someone to talk to
Even if you have to pay them to listen.

Well I was required to attend go up and I've just stuck with it since it makes my therapist happy
My moms drinking is every day
Now her and her husband are fitting talking about divorce
Moms talking me to pack my stuff in case we need to leave right away

Always drama. It doesnt realky affect me
What affects me is my moms drinking or her coming into my room but I mostly ignore it

Do you see a therapist at least?

One was a rescue situation. Shes handicap and 5 years old

The other 2 I planned to get. :) I tried to watch TV with my mom last night. She got drunk and I found it miserable. She even pooped on my bedroom floor.
Anyway..
I usually work sundays
Monday is therapy
Tuesday is group
And the rest of the week is unknown

weekend was good, i booked my vacation to lebanon and cyprus starting mid May till mid June!

Tomorow back to work, how about you? how was your weekend? do you have a job you have to wake up too tomorow?

Its okay
I just got some new birds

How is your weekend? Any plans?

oh man, so water and all the humiliation is not enough, whip as well ^_^ ... if it was in summer and it was super hot, water would be welcome, but Easter is in Spring, not fun!

yeah does Egg decoration look nice :)

Because last week I was calm because I was at such a high level of ahhhg for a couple weeks
I knew I'd be calm after that problem was made okay but soon I'd be back to normal

On of my cats chronically get ill because of bad ********breeding. Her nose is too tight to breath properly so she get URI's often and it sucks. Shes gonna get a surgery in a couple months to widen her nose though.

I'm been okay. A little less well compared to last week but I predicted that much.

My cats are doing okay but not great which makes me sad

How are you?

Hopefully you will excel financially in the future and would be able to visit Slovakia more often.

Aww that too bad, hopefully you are feeling better.

Thats the shitiest custom I have heard, wtf! Thats aweful!

Partly sunny to partly cloudy to be honest. Health issues and some mild depression has led to being jobless. And no prospects of that changing anytime soon. I come here 99% of the time to feel inspired.