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Araz
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How do you help a depressed spouse?

My husband has been depressed for awhile now and he doesn’t like to talk about his feelings or his problems so I don’t know how to help him. His best friends since childhood stabbed him in the back last year. His business partner screwed him over in the same month.

He is the most trusting person in the world, just genuinely a good man, so he gives every relationship his all and winds up hurt. He’s been in a funk for since then (everything happened exactly one year ago - June 2018.)

I really don’t know what to do about it :( He doesn’t seem to have any motivation anymore and he used to go out and do things for fun - he’s such an extrovert. But now he doesn’t even want to do fun things anymore.

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Since writing this post Araz may have helped people, but has not within the last four (4) days.
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year, anymore, depressed, fun, extrovert
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DragonLady
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Ouch. It's no wonder he really doesn't want to let his guard down again for a while. Maybe try to coax him into things that don't require much socializing, like fishing or nature walks?


I'd guess that if you go with him, and take it slowly, once he's out and about more he will start putting the past behind him and find new things to look forward to.

Help me with:

Help me...find some new websites with interesting content to hang out on.

4be8c2d8 78e3 4f52 8977 21b6cc47a3ee
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Araz
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DragonLady wrote:
Ouch. It's no wonder he really doesn't want to let his guard down again for a while. Maybe try to coax him into things that don't require much socializing, like fishing or nature walks?


I'd guess that if you go with him, and take it slowly, once he's out and about more he will start putting the past behind him and find new things to look forward to.

True. He loves camping and I loathe it but I could suck it up and do it. It really sucks to see your partner so unhappy :(

Electric
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Remind him who you are.
His wife.
A friend and business partner didn't marry him.
You are there for him and have sound judgement.
Plus, you love him.

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PepperJ
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I'm so sorry to hear this. Will he get counseling? Go on meds for a little while (doesn't have to be long term; just long enough to get over the bump in the road)

It's hard for men to admit their feelings, so it seems like that makes it harder for them to heal/accept help.

As Slash said, remind him that you are his wife and that you are there for him. Remind him that not everyone is like those who back stabbed him.

Maybe you can figure out a reason his friend from childhood did that to "explain it away" (not excuse it) because then at least there is a "reason for the craziness that the friend pulled...." which would make your husband know that the friend isn't a jerk for the sake of being a jerk, but that he was between a rock and a hard place or something...

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PepperJ
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Also, there are a few simple things that tend to make people feel better:

Being outside with the sun shining on your face
Creating something
Learning something new
Playing an instrument
Art....

Maybe try some of those therapeutic sorts of simple things...though I'm sure you've thought of/suggested those things.

I hope he can pull out of this

4be8c2d8 78e3 4f52 8977 21b6cc47a3ee
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Araz
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Slash wrote:
Remind him who you are.
His wife.
A friend and business partner didn't marry him.
You are there for him and have sound judgement.
Plus, you love him.

I could be better about doing this

4be8c2d8 78e3 4f52 8977 21b6cc47a3ee
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Araz
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PepperJ wrote:
I'm so sorry to hear this. Will he get counseling? Go on meds for a little while (doesn't have to be long term; just long enough to get over the bump in the road)

It's hard for men to admit their feelings, so it seems like that makes it harder for them to heal/accept help.

As Slash said, remind him that you are his wife and that you are there for him. Remind him that not everyone is like those who back stabbed him.

Maybe you can figure out a reason his friend from childhood did that to "explain it away" (not excuse it) because then at least there is a "reason for the craziness that the friend pulled...." which would make your husband know that the friend isn't a jerk for the sake of being a jerk, but that he was between a rock and a hard place or something...

He won’t see a counselor. When we were having marital issues before all of this happened, convincing him to go to marriage counseling was hard. Unfortunately, we got a therapist who wasn’t the greatest and in the end we went against her advice to get a divorce and worked everything out ourselves. So he’s pretty against counseling for himself which I understand. (Honestly, to quote the counselor at our first session: “you can get divorced and remarried later if it’s the right thing for you.” What a load of #^%{*|%. So I get it.

He doesn’t hate his former BFFs but he doesn’t forgive them either (he has been approached by them which he has rejected.) I think he’s hurt bc he is the type to always stick up for others, but when the time came, his friends didn’t stand up for him because they didn’t want to “get involved”. I mean, honestly, he has always been the protector of them so I wasn’t surprised but he was :(

4be8c2d8 78e3 4f52 8977 21b6cc47a3ee
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Araz
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PepperJ wrote:
Also, there are a few simple things that tend to make people feel better:

Being outside with the sun shining on your face
Creating something
Learning something new
Playing an instrument
Art....

Maybe try some of those therapeutic sorts of simple things...though I'm sure you've thought of/suggested those things.

I hope he can pull out of this

I have. He is incredibly creative and loves to build things. He started going to the gym for a bit but stopped recently. I need to find something to pull him out of this funk. Once you get into it, it’s hard to get out.

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If you do things like take a walk outside or go to the gym, can you bring him along?

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PepperJ
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@Araz ...read my post from a few months ago. I've been married now for 19 years and together for 20. 4 kids together.

My husb is a great guy, but I think he's suffered from depression a little bit, as well in the past. Our marriage has had its ups and downs and we're kind of on a "plateau" right now, trying to make it better, because neither of us really wants to get divorced. I think mental health plays a lot into our issues, too. I have PTSD from childhood trauma. He has some undiagnosed issues. And when we had marital issues 10 years ago or so, he would NOT go to counseling.

Recently, a year ago or so, we had some issues and again, he would not go. He doesn't ever DO anything, though (walks, kicking the ball with the boys, playing family games....he's just very non involved). And he gets so angry and hateful toward people sometimes.

So, I sort of know where you're coming from and I feel for you.

The bottom line, for me anyway, is this:

I dated a lot before I married my husband. And in the end, he was the first person to make me feel safe and secure, which is what I needed desperately in my life. We don't have a rainbows and roses marriage, but he does love me.

When we've had issues, I've looked around at what else is out there. I've thought about past men I've been with. And there aren't that many good men out there (despite the flaws that ours have..., they're good men). By the same token, there aren't that many good women, either.

So, if he's a good man, roll with the tide and try your hardest to work through it. 20 years from now, when you've weathered it all, you will be happy that you did.....

Electric
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A little poem we're all familiar with to remind us that life is not free of incident, yet, the course of events should not always determine our attitude.


Desiderata

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.
Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.

4be8c2d8 78e3 4f52 8977 21b6cc47a3ee
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Araz
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smiley wrote:
If you do things like take a walk outside or go to the gym, can you bring him along?

I keep trying, he keeps saying no.

4be8c2d8 78e3 4f52 8977 21b6cc47a3ee
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Araz
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@PepperJ I just read your post and some of it is familiar. When I got home today, he was just way more depressed than usual so we talked for a little bit and he’s making an appointment with the doctor tomorrow morning. I offered to do it for him but he declined. He actually brought up going to a psychiatrist himself. I’m really proud of him, this is the first step.

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Araz
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@BA1 I printed the poem you posted and taped it to my desk at work. I’ve never read it before, I think it was a good reminder that I needed, especially since I’ve started having panic attacks again recently. I’m going to give a copy to hubby, he might like it too

Yorick
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guys have a huge slump when it comes to defeats. If its been over a year.. yea.. there's gonna be a spark that needs to be ignited.

what is it? .. i dont have one in mind right now.. but i'll leave it up to the forum.

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PepperJ
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Araz wrote:
@PepperJ I just read your post and some of it is familiar. When I got home today, he was just way more depressed than usual so we talked for a little bit and he’s making an appointment with the doctor tomorrow morning. I offered to do it for him but he declined. He actually brought up going to a psychiatrist himself. I’m really proud of him, this is the first step.

I'm glad to hear that he's going to try to get help. He's doing that because he loves YOU

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PepperJ
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Araz wrote:
@PepperJ I just read your post and some of it is familiar. When I got home today, he was just way more depressed than usual so we talked for a little bit and he’s making an appointment with the doctor tomorrow morning. I offered to do it for him but he declined. He actually brought up going to a psychiatrist himself. I’m really proud of him, this is the first step.

I guess my post really doesn't apply to yours, with the exception that I think that some of the issues listed that my husb had/has is, I think, possibly due to depression....

Electric
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It's good to hear that he has scheduled an appointment - that's a bold move and I give him kudos.
I'm glad you like the poem. Surprised you have not read it, considering it's popularity. All the same, i'm glad to have brought it to you.
May both of your spirits be at peace and relatively happy.

4be8c2d8 78e3 4f52 8977 21b6cc47a3ee
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Araz
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Yorick wrote:
guys have a huge slump when it comes to defeats. If its been over a year.. yea.. there's gonna be a spark that needs to be ignited.

what is it? .. i dont have one in mind right now.. but i'll leave it up to the forum.

I’m hoping a psychiatrist can help him find that spark

4be8c2d8 78e3 4f52 8977 21b6cc47a3ee
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Araz
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PepperJ wrote:
I'm glad to hear that he's going to try to get help. He's doing that because he loves YOU

PepperJ wrote:
I guess my post really doesn't apply to yours, with the exception that I think that some of the issues listed that my husb had/has is, I think, possibly due to depression....

He is definitely doing this because he loves me ❤️ and yeah, my husband and yours seem pretty different but the depression is definitely the same. What stood out to me about your situation, though, is that I relate to you personally in your post. I think I would have reacted the same way as you.

4be8c2d8 78e3 4f52 8977 21b6cc47a3ee
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Araz
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Slash wrote:
It's good to hear that he has scheduled an appointment - that's a bold move and I give him kudos.
I'm glad you like the poem. Surprised you have not read it, considering it's popularity. All the same, i'm glad to have brought it to you.
May both of your spirits be at peace and relatively happy.

I wrote a super controversial post a long time ago on the original help about how I hate poetry. Got a bunch of backlash so I still remember it lol. But I very much avoid poetry in general.

Thank you 😊

4be8c2d8 78e3 4f52 8977 21b6cc47a3ee
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Araz
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Update: He interviewed for a job on Monday and got it! He started this past Tuesday and is already feeling much better.

Yorick
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yay for yo hubby

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PepperJ
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Araz wrote:
Update: He interviewed for a job on Monday and got it! He started this past Tuesday and is already feeling much better.

Yay! Three cheers!

Electric
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Yorick wrote:
yay for yo hubby

PepperJ wrote:

Araz wrote:
Update: He interviewed for a job on Monday and got it! He started this past Tuesday and is already feeling much better.

Yay! Three cheers!

Three!

(Lifts glass, gives wink and a momentary support of alcoholism-)
Cheers!
!!Aahh!!

4be8c2d8 78e3 4f52 8977 21b6cc47a3ee
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Araz
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Thanks everyone!

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