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I'm feeling numbed to hope and love.

I feel like I am not "supposed" to find romantic love in any sense. I used to have a few potentials in my youth, but they were in very nefarious circumstances (cheaters, illegal lifestyles), which i refused to get involved in. As the years went by, life has dwindled away, my prospects just vanished. I had ONE girlfriend, but I know she was more-so in love with the IDEA of a boyfriend, than actually maintaining it. Long story short, she dumped me on my birthday because she just up and moved to another state, without any warning. The one or two other chances I could have had, they were so close and yet so far. I mean that they were almost on the cusp of fruition, until right before the first date, they picked someone else instead, then came crawling back asking for a second chance when it fell apart. Having SOME self-respect, I turned them away, because I know that I would have always been #2 on their list.

but now, I feel like I am numb to the hope of love. I've never been a Casanova, skilled in making long-term friends, or picking up dating cues. The ones I've known, they wanted to use me until they found better. This has crippled my self-esteem, as though I was less-than. It was more than just a few people, as well. I cant argue with statistics and evidence. It doesnt help that I am 28 years old, and although I am on the verge of finding my own home after winter, I am still living at home.

part of me longs for partnership, REAL love, not the fantasy my only ex had. The other part has grown to accept a grim reality, where I no longer believe that any woman would ever see me as more than a "friend" who she can use as a sounding board until she runs back to all her exes. Whatever cues they MAY be giving me, I no longer choose to let myself believe in. I outright ignore them, telling myself that I am just F***ing up the signs like always, and forget trying for it. "She just see's you as a friend, don't kill this friendship by believing it's something more". That it's just gonna be a repeat of the times before. I feel very robotic in life now, just responding and following a routine.

I try to keep myself hopeful, I KNOW I am severely depressed. I have some good times, that they are almost manic. Like a sudden dutiful urge to do house chores while jamming out to music and just living it up out of thin air. I tried therapy once, which took almost 4 months to schedule a first session. After day one, my therapist refused to answer to set up a new appointment. the front desk said she should have given her direct line, and transferred me in to no response/call backs for 3 weeks. Finally, I got her to answer, in which she told me she was on vacation, while the front desk transferred me several times...tells ME she was in, but ignoring me. I set up day 2, and she tells me that she's leaving her practice, and will transfer me to a new person, but would take a few months again. After that, I didnt bother finding a new one. Why take me in as a new patient, knowing full-well that you'd be leaving....?? I wasnt going to risk having a repeat of that experience. It took a lot of guts to go find professional help, and admit that maybe I cant do it alone anymore, I'm not doing that again.

I just feel so defeated, like I have nowhere to turn to. I try to avoid talking to any friends about it, because in MY job, depression is heavily frowned upon, and possible grounds for dismissal. Part of me KNOWS that I have lost the war, that history speaks for itself, and to just surrender the notion of hope, after almost a decade of fighting my A** off. The other part aches so badly because I know I am attempting to disavow something I wholeheartedly believe in, part of my core, a part of me that I feel will never be truly appreciated. After all, what am i holding on for? All of high school, all of college, all of my working life, nd I have NOTHING to show for it. I've contemplated giving up on being a good person, and just being a total **shole on purpose. I almost gave up my entire identity. An old flame who was an "almost love" re-united with me as friends and convinced me not to change, to stay the man she knew me as back in the day...but I dont see any value in it, except what society says.

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Gone
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I had the worst relationships.
I mean live in relationships that went to hell.I can relate.
Ok sinse I was 16 until present I had about 12 live in relations.
Im not mentioning the women I didnt live with .
All of them were a waste of time.
They either played me cheated or just were insane itches.
Im middle aged now and I am happy to be single. I am working on my music career. No more dramas. No more spending all my money .
Im done.
I am not supposed to be compromising my dreams to make someone happy.
Im not supposed to be a 34/7
Phycologist.
I spend my time making me happy now.
***Sex and so called live is overrated .
You pay dearly for it.
Soo. Dont fall prey that relationships are for everyone.
There not.
Get you life in order. Celebrate
Your health and sanity.
Dont fall for the programming.
Its not worth it.
Thete are exceptions.
Some people rwally find true love but its very rare.
I wish my dumb father would have taught me some life lessons like this.
I would have had a huge bank account.
Blessings

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soco
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You can't change what others think about you. They could be 1000% wrong but that's on them. Don't internalize it. Just pay them NO mind and keep walking. You do need to work on your minor depression and self-esteem. That you can do. You can try self-help books but you need to go all in or it just won't work. How much time do you have? I'm not talking about death here but about time in your day to dedicate to going from here to there. It's not a terrible distance. You know what you want. It might take 4 years or 6 months. It's up to you. Ready to start?

Help me with:

We have another hurricane coming this way.

Yorick
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i know where ur coming from.

while i might be short on my answers all i know is.

women want winners .. not whiners.

Electric
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Women want a man

- that is very, very rich.

- has a giant kock.

- is tall, but yet can vary in height.

- can support her emotional needs, yet take her emotional abuse.

- that can cry unless she is the cause of it (then he's just a *****pussy.)

- who can let her act single indefinitely, with no real commitment to him.

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MusicLover
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Speaking as a women, I’ve concluded that everyone loves the idea of love. I think you want a relationship to fill the void that your depression caused. I’ve been there. It didn’t end well. I know what it’s like to have a ****shit therapist. But I also know what it’s like to have an amazing one. The beginning of this year I was having panic attacks every day, suicidal thoughts, and cutting. Since seeing my new therapist and getting the proper medications I am a while new person. Relationships are messy and make things worse. Believe me, us girls aren’t worth it. Learn to love you. Friendships are way better than relationships.

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Araz
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MusicLover wrote:
Speaking as a women, I’ve concluded that everyone loves the idea of love. I think you want a relationship to fill the void that your depression caused. I’ve been there. It didn’t end well. I know what it’s like to have a ****shit therapist. But I also know what it’s like to have an amazing one. The beginning of this year I was having panic attacks every day, suicidal thoughts, and cutting. Since seeing my new therapist and getting the proper medications I am a while new person. Relationships are messy and make things worse. Believe me, us girls aren’t worth it. Learn to love you. Friendships are way better than relationships.

Yes! This!!! Also - the very best relationships start as friendships 😊

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Jetmoo
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No human is perfect. I wish people wouldn't tar everyone with the same brush.

I dont need a man with loads of money and i would never cheat.

Guys and girls can equally behave like jerks sometimes. Its human nature.

If it werent for my ex fiance id probably not be alive. And yet years later if it werent for me he would probably not be alive.

Men are from mars and woman are from venus by John Gray is a great book and id recommend it to anyone. Our brains work differently and when we understand each other better we can compliment each othee better too.

Yorick
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im not the anon OP-

but i am curious wheres the direction to make a fresh start going back to trying a relationship? personally i've been out of the game for so long.. i dont even want to play it anymore.. but it would be nice to have a female companion.. i got one i sort of play/tease at work.. but nothing serious. although the attraction is real, i keep telling myself i should start getting back to it in my personal private life.

trouble is im so comfortable being alone.. and yea nothing wrong with living that way .. im actually tired of it.. i need the challenge while not wanting to deal with that challenge.

talk about cant have your cake and eat it at the sametime lol

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Araz
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@Yorick I’m the same way as you - I absolutely hated dating and was single for YEARS between my husband and last boyfriend. I also like my alone time...

Most of the people I know met their significant others through friends/family. How often do you socialize? Maybe a social hobby would introduce you to some new people. I know my DH larps and meets people all the time (which is something I tease him about mercilessly lol but I have to admit some of the people he goes out with are super badass) and then there are gyms that are class oriented like CrossFit or MMA where you wind up being friends with the people there.

And as for preferring to live alone but wanting a relationship - that’s one of the pluses about dating. You can go home and do things the way you want!

Yorick
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Araz wrote:

And as for preferring to live alone but wanting a relationship - that’s one of the pluses about dating. You can go home and do things the way you want!

jeez never thought of it that way. excellent perspective.

Electric
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You can go home and do things the way you want

But.....
........I wanna get laid, smoke a cig, roll over and fulfill her dreams as I go to sleep....😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Can't do that walking into an empty flat.

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Araz
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Slash wrote:

You can go home and do things the way you want

But.....
........I wanna get laid, smoke a cig, roll over and fulfill her dreams as I go to sleep....😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Can't do that walking into an empty flat.

True! 😂 but not every day has to be spent together if you’re an introvert and need space 😊

A
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