it annoys me cause i know all that :/ and i do things to try and cheer myself up but some days it doesnt matter what i do it just doesnt go away. i know itll pass soon and ill be ok just wish it didnt happen or atleast not as often. i really thought id got past this stage in my life but at the same time i dont beleive mental health issues can ever be "cured" in the same way a physical wound often leaves a scar.

ive rcently been getting into a good book series. its nice to actually read for pleasure instead of just for uni assignments again. think spending so much time on my own isnt helping either but then i dont really have anyone to see. my doors always open to friends and i invite them over but then it feels like they just come for food and leave. and since ive had to end my ******stoner ways my circle has definitely shrunk which is annoying because i thought we were closer than that :/

the Farseer trilogy by Robin Hobb. Theres load of booked based in that world but thats the start of it. theyre really good :)

reading does help a bit, while im reading and emmersed in that world its great and everything forgotten but i cant stay there forever which is the frustration.

ive figured out some reasons why im feeling the way i am and annoyingly theyre not really things i can change. for exmaple one is just feeling lonely and not liking being single, i miss having someone here to care for me and for me to care for. but im not running into another relationship for the sake of it because as shown last time that doesnt actually help anything.

since i have stopped smoking le herbs its bringing back all my night terrors. i havent had them since before i started smoking really, the odd one but id forgotten how much it helped and assumed id also just grown out of it. haddnt even occured to me they might come back until they started happening again and now im waking up multipul times a night and always tired. and now also my thought processes arent being slowed down by anything so when a bad thought takes hold im dragged down in minutes, but the same with good thgouths and i build myself up too quickly and they often get dashed. i feel less incontrol of myself and my thoughts and as much as im trying to keep myself in a more centered place its just not happening.

i think my next session with the mental health team could be an interesting one.

i have been reaching out. im seeing one of my unis mental health team and have another appointment with them next monday. ill be telling her how much ive deteriorated over the past couple of weeks.
i know im not fine, i had a big breakdown earlier today when i found out i'd been reected from a grad scheme i had high hopes for. was the straw that broke the camels back and it finally all came flooding out. one of my friends came round with chocolate to cheer me up.

i have about 3 different groups of friends which is good i suppose. one at uni one at work and one generally from the city i live in. the latter are the ones who no longer come round or see me because we apparently only had one thing in common.

and i dont know whats behind the night terrors. i used to have them as a kid and a teenager. the dissappated which after so long i thought had meant i just grew out of them. only having like one a month which is bareable and they were never as vivid. the past week has been awful and the only time ive slept through was at the weekend when i'd been out partying and drinking with my friends. i have some which are reoccuring but most are just one offs about different things. for example last night i had one about giving birth but it went wrong and the baby came out feet first through my belly button. it was like something out of alien or preditor.

i was bullied in school, physically and mentally but i never let it bother me. i just ignored them and they stopped because it wasnt fun. i was just the weird one but i had my friends so it was ok.
and i do want to be in a loving relationship but i also dont want to be in one for the sake of it. not going to settle for someone just because theyre there.

only had one session so far. ive had CBT in the past so we talked about that, why i need it now and i gave her a general overview of the past year and everything thats led to it. she talked and listened. we talked about other random stuff and got very off topic but then brought it back to the main focus. didnt let my guard down fully as it was the first time i met her but next time ill be more open.

and the intrusive thoughts are definitely bs. the worst one is just the image of putting a steak knife through my wrist and cutting it like its a rack of ribs. something i know i wouldnt do, ive slef harmed in the past and it doesnt help or make me feel better. its not one that holds any meaning to me but its still there.

most of my friends are surprised im stuggling as ive always been the 'strong' one who helps them with their issues. its what im good at but im awful at following my own advice but im trying. hence i'm seeing someone.

the breakdown felt good releasing it all but its also made it all dawn on my a bit more. and its the last thing i need in my last year of uni! but ofcourse these things never come at convenient times. my mind is wonderfully dark which sometimes can be great but when it turns against me as you said the games it plays arent fun. im good at rebuttling all of the thoughts i have and rationalising but that doesnt make me feel any better about them as they are still there and still have their effect on me.

i wasnt specifically not trying to have one. i realised i haddnt and that i should but nothing had quite gotten me to that point if you know what i mean? i come from a traditional rather posh family so 'stiff upper lip' and all. ive usually been able to deal with my issues with the support of a friend or partner depending on the time. but i also know when i need more than that. which is why i went looking for help this time. though i do find it hard to cry infront of people, just dont find it comfortable, plus i look like a sunburnt panda from the blotching! its bad.

CBT for me just helped apply my already overly logical mindset to the issue at hand which was helpful. and also gave me the urge to study psychology.

i suppose ive always felt better when i help someone else with their issues and it gives me the confidence to deal with my own.

and god that was back when i was at school so nearly 10years ago! it was from the bullying and general teenage issues. also when my dog died, she was very much my baby and it happened very suddenly and really rocked the boat. i onyl did it because its what people seemed to do - it was glamourised. it didnt help. only did it the one time and luckily i didnt do it well enough to leave any scars. after that i just burried everything until it came out about 4years ago when i had my first therapy.

from neither really. i was just always the weird one. i went to a very posh school but wasnt as rich as the rich kids but not as poor as the ones on scholarships. my parents are much older than most so they didnt work which was weird to everyone. just never fit into any of the boxes which are much worse at a private school than they are in a state school. ive since been to both.

my background definitely has had an impact on the way i am though i have broken away from it more so now that ive moved out and experienced different things. at university everyones on an even playing field and it doest matter where you come from.

and yes ive had many pets since! i have a dog whos at my parents house and i have a cat that lives with me. my lil mummas boy..aptly named Dorian after Dorian Gray (book/film) didnt realise how fitting the name was when i first got him. looks like an angel but really hes the devil in disguise. but hes my lil munchkin and i love him :) makes living alone alot less lonely.

pets are great, i dont know what id do without them! they make everything seem better :)

well i had a good night out partying last night. drunk me can apparnelty do the splits! but i think i wouldve killed someone to be able to have a cuddle last night. even if it was ust the corpse xD todays not been good, got my assignments back and although i didnt do badly they werent the grades i wanted or need. i now only have one more semesters worth of assignments left to build up the grades i need to get a 1st in my degree. which is i dont get its going to be really hard to get a decent job in the field im headed towards. so thats bummed me out massively. though i was somewhat productive, had a good tutorial and another meeting. booked my car in for its service and mot.

went through the workbook i was given by the therapist so thats done and ready for monday. though i read through it and i know everything its telling me because im litterally studying it and how to help other people with the issues. so i suppose its not sinking in as much but im trying to go at it with a really open mind.

I am not a beleiver but ill take the jist of what you're saying instead. and i understand it, i am harsh on myself and set myself high standards because the things i want to do need me to achieve well. which in itself is a frustrating cycle.

i would say an average of 80% yes, give more to some things than others