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Becoming afraid to live?

I never really had much of a social life since middle school and beyond. I had a few periods of new friends come and go, but somehow I've managed to mess it all up. I say "mess it up" because each group of people I have encountered has always discovered a reason or excuse to kick me out of the group. I am not sure if it was a growing animosity towards me, one that I never noticed or was too trusting to see....or if I genuinely screwed up, or if I just thought they were more of friends than they really were.

I know they say friends have seasons; they come and go in their allotted time. But every time, I have been the common denominator. I often blame myself for falling in love.....for helping too much....for caring as much as I do.....for believing in myself and the friends I "have/had", for investing as much as I have in the people who I see now as either enemies or people I have let down.

Loving someone who could never be yours was a culprit for a few groups....and in one instance I genuinely messed up. I didn't take the hint and she; rightfully so, could not take it anymore. Another...It accidentally became known, but under a misconception over time that I was burdening her current relationship and that I still had feelings. Truth is...we never talked about it, nor did she want to. I was there for her when she lost everything; her job, her old life, and all of her associates abandoned her. I was the only one of them to stay and try to help. We were closest with each other where we worked, each other's best friend. One day, I didn't matter and I was left wondering what I did to wrong. Apparently everyone assumed that I still had feelings. Maybe I was conveying them without saying it...? Maybe I never was that close to begin with? Maybe I value things more than I should? Maybe I just don't know how to control my non-verbals to not give it away(I am a very genuine person, what you see is what you get(and how I feel)).

On the outside, I am very sociable and nonchalant. Always optimistic, a hard-charger and friendly to boot. I used to be so socially awkward out of fear froma bullied childhood, and now I am a social butterfly, predominately in the workplace. I am often quick to earn a place among the seasoned vets of the chosen field. Inside, however, I know its a front. I don't know how to "get close" to people anymore, and I don't know if I want to anymore...The loving too hard/much isnt the only thing....I've had some serious false allegations thrown at me in high school for standing up for the "weird person", where that same "weirdo" turned on me in the midst of me standing up for them.....causing a school-wide gossip and the threat of police charges for something that never occurred. I was demonized for going against my "friends" and standing up for the weirdo, and I was seen by the others as some sort of deviant. My whole high school social world came crashing to an end in an instant, with one choice.

I also lost my friends life in our hobby. This was, again, a "do the right thing" move which came from how he died. I went against a large organization who failed him and let him die in front of us, but again, me standing up to them meant that I would lose the 'friends" I had. I was a traitor.

I had found true love only once recently, lasting a mere year. We recently separated due to her having to move, and feelings fading naturally. This was the first loss that I can genuinely say crushed me the worst....because it wasn't due to bad blood, for the first time. There was no "blame", there was no finger pointing or wrong-doings. There was no anger, and no fighting, nobody cheated, nobody went behind another's back. For the first time, I lost something because of "fate", not because either of us messed up...it was just how it HAD to be. It was the realest thing to love that I had ever known, and we really did love each other so much. It was like a movie....but we HAD to go our own ways. There is a soul crushing moment when you ask "do you love me" and that same person lets their eyes flutter to the coffee table, and then you see the disbelief grown in theirs eyes with a surprised, yet soft-spoken "no.....?".

Part of me, despite all of this, wants to live "for me". This is where my little "walk-about" in life comes in. I am torn between different options, a few of which i lived in before for the majority of my life. I can choose to live selfishly, heartlessly(to a degree), stop caring so hard and just let go of some of the values that i grew up on in self-defense. I could also keep myself distant, and safe, allowing only a few in at a time cautiously.....and making them earn their trust. I could continue the way I do, and not compromise my moral character by denying help and support to those that need it. Or I can accept that I may just be a temporary fix to someone's little problem...that buddy that can always be there in a jam, the one who never really mattered and was there just for emergency support. I can be the one some secretly hate but dont have the guts to say it. The guy who doesnt know he's the friend nobody likes. I can accept that and stay bitter about it, and personally...I'd think it'd be justified considering the level of losses(by death and otherwise). I dont know what to do anymore. It's so tempting to just get pissed and stay that way. part of me thinks ive earned that right. The other mentalities know that I deserve better but I cant get my ****shit together enough to make it happen. The other knows that I failed before almost all my life, and that I have to be as quiet as a mouse just to get by with the breadcrumbs, and scurry back to my little hole in the wall-'take what you can get but dont overstep your boundary's or else!' Like a permanently life-grounding from your parents; "remember what happened the LAST time you did that...? *smacking hand raises in the shadow).

I kind of feel trapped...like some greater force is telling me "You better learn your place around here!", as if I am trying to take part in something that I have yet to earn. Like the new kid in the working world who tried to play 'boss' and bark orders at the older guys. part of me knows that very few on this planet care about me, the other knows that the world is not limited to those who care either. Yet each and every time I venture out, I repeat history despite my alternative choices thinking that I 'learned' from the past when i apparently I cant.

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Since writing this post Anonymous may have helped people, but has not within the last four (4) days.
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The master has failed more times than the beginner has ever tried.

If you stop trying, you'll never succeed. It sounds like you're a genuine person who has the desire to be kind. Sometimes people (especially in groups) can be cruel and mean, and sometimes they don't even realize they are doing so. But you can't let the actions of a few alter your life.

If you become sour and angry at the world- what does that accomplish? Now you have 0% chance of happiness and you're mad all the time rather than fighting for happiness and occasionally getting some ups and downs.

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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tq9y6LzooVc

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One think I have learned in the last few weeks is that failure is super important in growth.

No one is the boss except you.

Yorick
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from the bottom of my heart.. i totally can relate.. i want answers to all of the problem. turns out only i will ever figure them out. at some point i believe it will start to fall in place. Our failures are telling us what to avoid or be prepared for today and forth.

Sherlock by olga tereshenko d9qdidc
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Sherlock's advice:

1.You give a woman one chance, and one chance only, to go out with you. You never, ever "pursue" a woman. That's only in the movies--the 1930s movies.
2.Don't try too hard to make friends.
3.Don't doubt yourself. 99% of the people you believe to have self-confidence are faking it to a large degree.
4. Don't fret over the past.
5. Adapt. You cannot change the wind, but you can adjust your sails.
6.Few people can match the love and loyalty a cat or dog will give you.
7. You will never please everyone--so at least please yourself.
8. Do not become an approval addict.
9. Do not stay with any individual, group or organization that does not appreciate you.
10.Realize that the most fundamental relationship of your life is witb your Creator; screw up this relationship and none of tbe others will work.

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ProffVampy
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this sounds like something i would have written about my youth and even my current life. i have learned to deal with the fact that friends come and go. that that some use you and once theyre done and you're not of use they let you go. that some pretend to like you because you're in the 'group'. that those you have feelings for may not reciprocate the feelings. giving too much i found was the biggest factor. people will take and take and once theyve taken all they see as useful from you poof theyre gone.

as a result i now have a very small circle of people i see. not many of them overlap into a friendship 'group' but they are all decent friends and have no reason to pretend or be using me. i have decided that you know what, i just dont care. think of me what you will. im living my life, youre living yours. if you dont agree with what i stand for or what im doing then fine, no need to be bitter about it, no reason we cant still be friends. i live life for me, and i have my goals and i am working towards them.

its definitely not easy, and the struggle is real. but letting go of caring helped alot. no ones opinion matters, if youre happy and feel youre on the right path for you and achieving what you want to achieve then quite frankly f**k them! It was a difficult decision to make, and a hard choice to stick by but i am happier for it. i still have my issues but thats just life, some of them are worse for it but many are better. if i find someone special great (though i am kinda looking but i wont just settle).

i understand how easy it can be to feel like giving up on everyone and the world because no one understand and no one cares. and if they dont then you just havent found the right people yet! but they will come along and once they do everything will seem brighter!

oh and i agree with Sherlock, nothing beats the love and affection of a pet...though saying that my cat is the grumpiest thing and rarely shows me either. But i love him all the same and he cant leave even if the wanted to!

2j0e9up
Max
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Welcome to adulthood. Your confusion and questions come with age and fear.
It would be scary and destructive if you didn't have these thoughts.
If you can maybe put them on the back burner would a couple of days and focus on some simple immediate tasks.
Health, wealth and saying "No" for now:)

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I've also discovered (well, more-so....dealt with) that friendships of any time period, whether it be from my youth, college, or work; they always end the same. They start great, getting along with people like clockwork, easy and without even trying. Then, we hang for a few times in groups at various places like for food or drinks, etc. Time goes on, and people respond to me less, our hanging out goes away, and plans "I" make for meeting somewehere suddenly are either forgotten about or have generated excuses as to why they cant make it. However, I see those same people hanging out without me, and I simply put my phone down for a few days and see who would reach out to me. Nothing. Days turn into weeks, and weeks turn into months.

Then I realized that I am in the revolving door. This is how it goes with almost all of my groups of friends, new and old. Problem is that I cant figure out what I am doing wrong. I am able to start them up just fine, without trouble and without any effort at all. It's finding why i slowly get kicked out of every group I enter over time.......and I cant figure it out because I let myself get caught in this. I get so used to the hope that comes with "ah, finally, fun times are coming" and enjoying the moments that I dont even see the process playing itself out until it's already over.

Thus, I begin to wonder if it's just "me". Is it something that I am doing? Is it who I am as a person that shuts people off? Am I just THAT unlikable that every group has the need to remove me...? I like to think I am very careful not to say anything dumb, or be a jerk about anything. Then, I wonder if creating a fake version of me is better than BEING me. At least if i can fabricate a new identity to have some SEMBLANCE of a social life, one that people can hold on to......that HAS to be better than realizing that who I am as a person, just BEING me is never good enough and/or easily despised. I cant keep going on with this forever....these cycles and not knowing why. Imagine waking up every day dreading that you might very well ruin the few good things in your life because of your unconscious track record, only to be confirmed later over and over. Maybe I just "don't matter" after all? I am fine with workplace small-talks and conversations in passing, but it's SOMETHING in what I do personally that I fear I'll NEVER understand...

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Max
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I don't know if all that is you. My friends struggle with time, money and are stressed out too. I have one across the road that goes to work then bed everyday with any social time. If I'm lucky we might chat or meet up once a year. That unfortunately is what they call the everyday grind. Then there are the other friends that sponge or want something all the time. Maybe just keep going out and set up a blog to keep your contacts up. I call most friends contacts now. I'm not saying because I don't know you that your friends are like that, but everyone I know is going through the same thing or tons of drama.

Sherlock by olga tereshenko d9qdidc
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Finding people with similar intetests is a great help.

Have you ever considered joining the Masons?

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