well i had a good night out partying last night. drunk me can apparnelty do the splits! but i think i wouldve killed someone to be able to have a cuddle last night. even if it was ust the corpse xD todays not been good, got my assignments back and although i didnt do badly they werent the grades i wanted or need. i now only have one more semesters worth of assignments left to build up the grades i need to get a 1st in my degree. which is i dont get its going to be really hard to get a decent job in the field im headed towards. so thats bummed me out massively. though i was somewhat productive, had a good tutorial and another meeting. booked my car in for its service and mot.

went through the workbook i was given by the therapist so thats done and ready for monday. though i read through it and i know everything its telling me because im litterally studying it and how to help other people with the issues. so i suppose its not sinking in as much but im trying to go at it with a really open mind.

pets are great, i dont know what id do without them! they make everything seem better :)

from neither really. i was just always the weird one. i went to a very posh school but wasnt as rich as the rich kids but not as poor as the ones on scholarships. my parents are much older than most so they didnt work which was weird to everyone. just never fit into any of the boxes which are much worse at a private school than they are in a state school. ive since been to both.

my background definitely has had an impact on the way i am though i have broken away from it more so now that ive moved out and experienced different things. at university everyones on an even playing field and it doest matter where you come from.

and yes ive had many pets since! i have a dog whos at my parents house and i have a cat that lives with me. my lil mummas boy..aptly named Dorian after Dorian Gray (book/film) didnt realise how fitting the name was when i first got him. looks like an angel but really hes the devil in disguise. but hes my lil munchkin and i love him :) makes living alone alot less lonely.

i wasnt specifically not trying to have one. i realised i haddnt and that i should but nothing had quite gotten me to that point if you know what i mean? i come from a traditional rather posh family so 'stiff upper lip' and all. ive usually been able to deal with my issues with the support of a friend or partner depending on the time. but i also know when i need more than that. which is why i went looking for help this time. though i do find it hard to cry infront of people, just dont find it comfortable, plus i look like a sunburnt panda from the blotching! its bad.

CBT for me just helped apply my already overly logical mindset to the issue at hand which was helpful. and also gave me the urge to study psychology.

i suppose ive always felt better when i help someone else with their issues and it gives me the confidence to deal with my own.

and god that was back when i was at school so nearly 10years ago! it was from the bullying and general teenage issues. also when my dog died, she was very much my baby and it happened very suddenly and really rocked the boat. i onyl did it because its what people seemed to do - it was glamourised. it didnt help. only did it the one time and luckily i didnt do it well enough to leave any scars. after that i just burried everything until it came out about 4years ago when i had my first therapy.

i was bullied in school, physically and mentally but i never let it bother me. i just ignored them and they stopped because it wasnt fun. i was just the weird one but i had my friends so it was ok.
and i do want to be in a loving relationship but i also dont want to be in one for the sake of it. not going to settle for someone just because theyre there.

only had one session so far. ive had CBT in the past so we talked about that, why i need it now and i gave her a general overview of the past year and everything thats led to it. she talked and listened. we talked about other random stuff and got very off topic but then brought it back to the main focus. didnt let my guard down fully as it was the first time i met her but next time ill be more open.

and the intrusive thoughts are definitely bs. the worst one is just the image of putting a steak knife through my wrist and cutting it like its a rack of ribs. something i know i wouldnt do, ive slef harmed in the past and it doesnt help or make me feel better. its not one that holds any meaning to me but its still there.

most of my friends are surprised im stuggling as ive always been the 'strong' one who helps them with their issues. its what im good at but im awful at following my own advice but im trying. hence i'm seeing someone.

the breakdown felt good releasing it all but its also made it all dawn on my a bit more. and its the last thing i need in my last year of uni! but ofcourse these things never come at convenient times. my mind is wonderfully dark which sometimes can be great but when it turns against me as you said the games it plays arent fun. im good at rebuttling all of the thoughts i have and rationalising but that doesnt make me feel any better about them as they are still there and still have their effect on me.

i have been reaching out. im seeing one of my unis mental health team and have another appointment with them next monday. ill be telling her how much ive deteriorated over the past couple of weeks.
i know im not fine, i had a big breakdown earlier today when i found out i'd been reected from a grad scheme i had high hopes for. was the straw that broke the camels back and it finally all came flooding out. one of my friends came round with chocolate to cheer me up.

i have about 3 different groups of friends which is good i suppose. one at uni one at work and one generally from the city i live in. the latter are the ones who no longer come round or see me because we apparently only had one thing in common.

and i dont know whats behind the night terrors. i used to have them as a kid and a teenager. the dissappated which after so long i thought had meant i just grew out of them. only having like one a month which is bareable and they were never as vivid. the past week has been awful and the only time ive slept through was at the weekend when i'd been out partying and drinking with my friends. i have some which are reoccuring but most are just one offs about different things. for example last night i had one about giving birth but it went wrong and the baby came out feet first through my belly button. it was like something out of alien or preditor.

not so great. have a look at my latest post it should be linked under my comment. easier than retyping it all

i follow politics kinda. if it comes up on my news app ill read it. i had a love for obama you guys did good there in my opinion! better than any PM we've had in a long while anyway i would say.

Trump...good god why!? No...actually i understand why. in the same way that UKIP gained support here one year and rocked the boat. people want change, they dont know what will bring change, ohhh look this person seems different and has new ideas and approaches they might bring the change! oh god no they havent brought the change how we wanted it, not that we really know what change we want in the first place. lets go back where its safe and we know whats going on.

this can be seen over and over in politics. with every new strong generation of voters and as the other generation gets sick of the same old stuff going wrong theres a swing. and itll swing back and forth etc.

HOWEVER in the case of Trump, should Alan Sugar (the equivilent in the UK, business mogul, massive empire, hosted the apprentice) attempt to be our PM he would get laughed out. he has no base in politics, and a country is not just a business. yes to a point it is but its alot more intricate and complicated than that. none of us really know just how difficult it is to be in that position. i wouldnt want to be PM so fair play to anyone willing to take the risk of being hates, blamed for things that they may not have caused etc etc.

Also he just seems overly biggoted and in general a terrible person who needs to accept hes balding and isnt naturally orange. and i agree with nix, he is childish in his speeches. its simple words for simple people to understand and that makes them feel important.

but of course we will see it through a tint of our media, i dont know what its really like for you all living in the world of Trump. My boss thinks hes great because he boosted your economy....i would argue theres more important things and from what ive read and heard through my links with the LGBT+ community hes not doing minorities such as them and ethnic ones any favours. which once you add them all together is a significant proportion of the population i would imagine, it would be here in the UK.

please do correct me if any of this is wrong, its just my opinion formed from what ive read, heard and watched on tv. but my biggest peeve about him? HIS VOICE. i cant stand it, its sleezy and makes my skin crawl

the Farseer trilogy by Robin Hobb. Theres load of booked based in that world but thats the start of it. theyre really good :)

reading does help a bit, while im reading and emmersed in that world its great and everything forgotten but i cant stay there forever which is the frustration.

ive figured out some reasons why im feeling the way i am and annoyingly theyre not really things i can change. for exmaple one is just feeling lonely and not liking being single, i miss having someone here to care for me and for me to care for. but im not running into another relationship for the sake of it because as shown last time that doesnt actually help anything.

since i have stopped smoking le herbs its bringing back all my night terrors. i havent had them since before i started smoking really, the odd one but id forgotten how much it helped and assumed id also just grown out of it. haddnt even occured to me they might come back until they started happening again and now im waking up multipul times a night and always tired. and now also my thought processes arent being slowed down by anything so when a bad thought takes hold im dragged down in minutes, but the same with good thgouths and i build myself up too quickly and they often get dashed. i feel less incontrol of myself and my thoughts and as much as im trying to keep myself in a more centered place its just not happening.

i think my next session with the mental health team could be an interesting one.

ive rcently been getting into a good book series. its nice to actually read for pleasure instead of just for uni assignments again. think spending so much time on my own isnt helping either but then i dont really have anyone to see. my doors always open to friends and i invite them over but then it feels like they just come for food and leave. and since ive had to end my ******stoner ways my circle has definitely shrunk which is annoying because i thought we were closer than that :/