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ProffVampy
last online: 05/07, 19:08
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Perfect timing for me to need some advice...


Hey guys, i dont know what ive done without this place over the years when ive got stuck. My boyfriend is having so many problems lately and its all gettung taken out on me. He hates his job so I'm encouraging him to look for new ones and apparently im then ruining his days off.
His new flat fell through so ive done the same with trying to get him a new one and get the same reaction. Hes living with me since the pther flat fell through and has no where else to go.
We've not been together that long and i feel it shouldnt be this much of a struggle. I understand his mental health issues better than most as ive had them myself and im studying psychology so i laod out options for him but again the same response.
He brings up his family issues and such when we argue and its not relevent which is frustrating as it turns into a guilt trip.
Part of my wants to end it but im very much stuck in the situation as hes living with me at the moment.
He wont speak to anyone at his work about why he's upset with his hours amd such so they cant help. Im good friends with his manager but theres only so much i can tell him without it having adverse effect.
Its getting to the point of effecting my mental health with all the stress and i dont know what to do!

Im at work for the next few hours but hopefully youll all give me gold for when i get home!

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1581744157174 1581744149313 miss bot
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The first thing I see is he wants to find someone else to blame for all these crisis's instead of shouldering some of it himself. Until you get him to own some of this it will be like climbing El Capitan without arms and legs.

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(27 minutes after post)
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You cannot help him unless he wants to help himself. By the sound of it he is perfectly happy by playing victim. Give him an ultimatum and stick to it otherwise he might just drag you down with him. Seems a bit harsh, but if you love someone you will do whatever it take to make it work. It sounds like a one sided attempt to a relationship (yours).

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(27 minutes after post)
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sounds like you're parenting him more than being his partner, every time you suggest reasonable options he dismisses them and places the blame elsewhere. a relationship in the early days is meant to be fun, I can see ending it looks hard as he is living with you but you have to put yourself first.

1581744157174 1581744149313 miss bot
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I would perhaps seek joint counseling to help with the relationship-half of this. I hope he gets more out of it than you but he needs to see your support by being by his side. Several places like worship centers should offer this for a reasonable price if not gratis.

1581744157174 1581744149313 miss bot
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May we ask his age? How long has he worked at this business he hates?

6ac6ec97 7651 45c5 b346 63c4b75d6c66
(50 minutes after post)
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I agree with Gem,it sounds like your parenting him. I also think this is a lot to do with his mental health.
I get it that's he's ticked off due to the flat falling through,or his job is getting him down.
You should not be taking the brunt of his anger/outbursts.
Let him start doing things for himself.
If he carries on giving you grief then tell him straight.

How long have you been together?

Favidbowiepic
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Yup, agree with the others above. Rather than looking to make the solutions worse, he's looking to blame and throw himself a pity party instead. You've become his enabler and he's not learning that this attitude isn't tolerable. He's expecting things to be handed to him/done for him. That your relationship is still fairly new, and he's looking to you to "fix" things in his life is immature, regardless of his mental health issues.

Your mental health is just as important, and if he is making you managing your own AND his a burden, that's not fair on you at all. Either he needs to change his attitude, or you may need to tell him to take a hike.

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Making the solutions WORK ** Still no edit option, I see. Lol.

26177036 10215274775811609 2093060189 n
(6 hours after post)
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Sorry for the delay, hes 27, been at subway (his work) about 4months now. Tonight afyer another argument/continuation of what he started this morning hes filled out a form to go and see someone professional.
We've only been together 4months, just before he started at subway. And i know he shouldnt treat me as he does but i suppose im hoping its only due to his mental health and it will get better but i alsp know its not healthy for either of us. If he wasnt living with me i think i wouldve ended it by now but i cant let him have no where to go

6ac6ec97 7651 45c5 b346 63c4b75d6c66
(6 hours after post)
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I don't mean to sound patronising Vampy,but 4 months is nothing really. It's no surprise things are tense between you. I think everyone goes through that stage when there getting used to one another's habits.
Still this is no reason for you to be his punching bag (literally speaking) I'm glad he's seeking help,it means he's willing to try and change. I also think your more of his enabler than partner ATM. I understand mental health and the problems that come with it but you need him to make his own choices. He's a grown man after all.

Animation2 2
(6 hours after post)
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I agree with Evansent that 4 months is not much of an investment.

I think that if things are this tough this early, the relationship isn't the right one for you.

A strong, solid, life long relationship can be blown to bits by life's ups and downs.

Wouldn't you rather find someone who can ride that roller coaster with you and make life's "downs" be more bearable instead of unbearable?

26177036 10215274775811609 2093060189 n
(7 hours after post)
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i know 4 months isnt a long time at all, i was with my previous partner 4 years and ill admit i rushed into this relationship a bit too quickly after. was a 2month gap between them. i know i am enabling but when i try and take a step back he says im not supporting him and gets frustrated which in turn agers things. i know he needs to make his own choices but i also understand due to this past thats hard for him to do. theres been some important times where choice has been taken away from him which has led him to feel he cant make any or will make the wrong decision if he does. again, if he wasnt staying here i dont think i would still be with him buthe currently has no money to be able to stay anywhere else and doesnt get paid til the beginning of the month. he had old rent to pay off and lost some money due to days off from work for stress (wasnt enough at one time for sick pay to start). i just feel like ive got myself stuck at the moment and dont want him being left on his a*se

6ac6ec97 7651 45c5 b346 63c4b75d6c66
(7 hours after post)
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Vampy I can understand your predicament, I would probably do exactly the same. I have been known to be enabler myself,however I've realised through time the more you try to help the more you get shat on. You are stuck because whatever you do it's not going to be good enough.
I hate to say this but this relationship seems toxic.
You need to remind him you have feelings to.
What I would suggest is give yourselves time out. Separate to different rooms.

Animation2 2
(7 hours after post)
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Yes, Vampy. You got yourself stuck. Get unstuck :)Unless you want to have a relationship that is more "give" than "take." And I don't say that lightly because in relationships, often one has to give more than 100% for a loooong time. But you know it will be worth it. Do you think it will be worth it for you to give so much long term?

26177036 10215274775811609 2093060189 n
(7 hours after post)
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after every outburst he apologises and says he doesnt deserve me and all the rest of it and ive pointed out if he meant it he would stop it happening. i dont let him walk all over me by the way, i do fight my corner and explain things to him and try and make him see that this isnt ok and he needs to sort it out. vampy got fangs!
I am hoping that at the start of next month he will move into his own place and possible the greater amount of time apart will soothe things, especially if he starts seeing someone. if not then ill be in a better conscience to break it off and not feel ive left someone whos struggling in an even worse position.

Animation2 2
(7 hours after post)
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Vampy....they always apologize; downplay things.... It's part of the power and control cycle. And believe me, even the strongest, most intelligent, capable women end up being pulled into cycles that they don't want to be in.

And then they sit back and wonder how in the world that happened to them.

And it sucks that he's struggling. That's a tough one. And I usually help people out, too, and end up getting the raw end of the deal.

But you have to take care of yourself

75971 10152125729463961 180579742 n
(7 hours after post)
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Hey there Vampy.
Long time, no-see. I gotta agree with what everyone else has been saying. Buddy sounds a bit insecure and you're taking the fall. Good thing that you've not invested years into this relationship. 4 months and it's already starting to fall apart doesn't speak well for the future. True, you 'might' be able to turn things around, but acting as parent/counsellor/emotional punching bag makes for a pretty rough road to travel.. is it worth it?

26177036 10215274775811609 2093060189 n
(7 hours after post)
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i know im a carer i cant help it, one of the reasons im going into psychology is to help people! Which is also why i can see whats going on from the negative/realistic as well as the naive view of me wanting it to be ok and get better. i just know i couldnt forgive myself if i did leave him in the sh*t and his mental health got the better of him and he did something stupid. it wouldnt be the first time (before i knew him) that its happened due to whats happened to him. similar things just happened again which is why hes in such a bad state so its brining back all of his old issues.

6ac6ec97 7651 45c5 b346 63c4b75d6c66
(7 hours after post)
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Vampy he sounds like he's got some serious issues. I know you've got your head screwed on girl (fangs do come in handy) and I just hope he does manage to get his own place.
Maybe things will improve then,either way you have always got back up here if things don't go according to plan.

26177036 10215274775811609 2093060189 n
(7 hours after post)
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Evansent wrote:
Vampy he sounds like he's got some serious issues. I know you've got your head screwed on girl (fangs do come in handy) and I just hope he does manage to get his own place.
Maybe things will improve then,either way you have always got back up here if things don't go according to plan.

if he doesnt by next month he wont be staying here cause i cant afford both of us which he knows is the case already!

Animation2 2
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I understand that you are a carer and have knowledge of psych...that's why I spoke the way I did ;)

You know what you are into and you know how hard it might be to get out. And yet, you have a loving and caring heart...tough spot to be in

26177036 10215274775811609 2093060189 n
(7 hours after post)
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it is, and i know when he is using guilt trips to make me feel like its my fault, like when im doing dinner and he says not to cook him any so im not using all my food. ive even called him out on it, not sure if he means it that way but thats the effect it has. i wish he had soem friends or family to talk to but he drifted away from his friends when he moved to this town and hasnt really made any new ones and hes not very close with his family.
its almost funny because i left my ex as i felt like i was more his mother and maid than his girlfriend and ive ended up in a similar situation - clearly says something about me! xD

6ac6ec97 7651 45c5 b346 63c4b75d6c66
(7 hours after post)
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I hate to say this,I've got a feeling this won't end well. I hope I'm wrong.
Sounds like a vicious circle.

26177036 10215274775811609 2093060189 n
(7 hours after post)
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Evansent wrote:
I hate to say this,I've got a feeling this won't end well. I hope I'm wrong.
Sounds like a vicious circle.

i agree i can see it being a very messy break up, im glad i have friends and family around to support me. i just know he doesnt and that makes it so much harder

6ac6ec97 7651 45c5 b346 63c4b75d6c66
(7 hours after post)
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When did he say he was seeing a professional?
Has he ever spoken to you about what's going on in his head?

26177036 10215274775811609 2093060189 n
(7 hours after post)
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Evansent wrote:
When did he say he was seeing a professional?
Has he ever spoken to you about what's going on in his head?

i wathced him fill out the form tonight he just needs to send it off to them. and ive tried to talk to him about it and hes tried to open up about it but hes never had anyone hes been able to talk to about that kind of thing before so he doesnt know how and im not sure he fully understands everything thats going on with him

Animation2 2
(7 hours after post)
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You have a desire to help someone.

Do a little research and find someone "more worthy" to help. I hate to say that, because I think all humans are worthy...but some try to help themselves and some wait for a handout and/or play games to get the help they need.

Having said that....when I was in school, I met a fellow student: another mom like me. She had been working as a pre school teacher, which doesn't require a degree here. Her husband committed suicide. So she was working as an accountant, working as a housekeeper, taking care of her 3 kids, and trying to go back to school to get a degree for a better paying job.

She was burning the candle at both ends. But doing it to try to make life better for herself and her kids.

I contacted one of her employers (the one she actually LIKED working for), and together we came up with some donations/ways for her to pay her rent while she was in school so that she wouldn't have to work two jobs and could be there for her kids...as the whole family was hurting and needed to bond over that.

It was a way of using my "wanting to help people" and satisfied that need in me. And I also had to put time and effort...and some money into it (this was before gofundme) and so that was also satisfying.

The gift to her was anon. But it's one of the ways that I found a way to help someone and I'm proud of it to this day. There are other, smaller examples....but there truly are deserving people who could use a piece of your kind heart.

And there are people who WANT to give of themselves. So research. Listen to people's stories. You will feel fulfilled and needed, and that will boost your own psyche.

WITHOUT putting YOURSELF in a PERSONALLY bad situation.

Does that make sense?

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Vampy, I'm going to say something that might sound extremely harsh, but my intentions are only because I'm concerned for you - it sounds like he is using and manipulating you. He is making you feel responsible for him, and he knows that you feeling guilty gets him what he wants.

That is not okay, and you should not allow it. It's a form of abuse.

I've been in that position. Outbursts when I've not even done anything wrong (such as having to sleep after being begged to stay awake for over 24 hours to keep them company because they couldn't sleep), then empty apologies until the next time. My situation put me into a position where I was housebound for 8 years - feeling panicky if I left the house or guilty for even going grocery shopping or needing to see a doctor.

Your guilt is being used as a weapon against you. You are not responsible for him. You cannot let him use his horrid behavior and treatment toward you and make yourself feel like any of it is your fault. It's not.

I know that you feel like he needs you, and that you're trying to help because he has nowhere else, but you are putting yourself at risk. And YOU need to come first. This is your life he is taking over and it's cruel for him to dump his stuff on you and not even give you an "allowance" to step back before you're accused of "not being supportive". That's a manipulative tactic and it needs to stop.

You may have to look at giving him an ultimatum and make it clear that if things do not change, he's out. Whether or not he has somewhere else to go. Does he not have any other family or friends?

6ac6ec97 7651 45c5 b346 63c4b75d6c66
(8 hours after post)
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ProffVampy wrote:

Evansent wrote:
When did he say he was seeing a professional?
Has he ever spoken to you about what's going on in his head?

i wathced him fill out the form tonight he just needs to send it off to them. and ive tried to talk to him about it and hes tried to open up about it but hes never had anyone hes been able to talk to about that kind of thing before so he doesnt know how and im not sure he fully understands everything thats going on with him

That's just it when it comes to confronting issues it's so much better speaking to an outsider. Maybe he feels like he's under scrutiny. Hm this is hard, Vampy.
How does he speak to you? Like when he says for you to eat your own food etc? Does he say it with attitude or sincerity?

Favidbowiepic
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My apologies, Vampy. I missed the part above where you mentioned of his family and friends not being able to help.

Still, my suggestion remains the same in any case. As nasty as it is - sometimes, it is just better for your own well-being to walk away from someone who is taking advantage and playing mind games with you.

26177036 10215274775811609 2093060189 n
(8 hours after post)
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@PepperJ that does make sense, im when i graduate this summer ill be able to start helping people in a clinical setting and that should satisfy all my needs, thought they might not all be entirely worthy hopefully the fact theyre there and getting help will be enough and ill be able to send people down the right paths.

@Aria (it didnt want to tag so i hope that worked) i know he is manipulating me, whether he means to or not, which is why i know this is an issue and needs to be sorted. i really appreciate the consern and i can see myself starting to slip (probably because of my psychology training) which is why im very much considering ending it. though i feel waiting 3 weeks til he has a different roof over his head is worth it on both sides.

@Evansent i know its easier to speak to someone outside the situation, one of the reason i came here! and the original reason all those years ago too. he doesnt speak to me poorly until we are arguing but then most people are mastier than they mean to be when arguing. he says stuff like that with sinserity mostly, not with an attitude. but i think he knows i wont not do some food for him too, im too polite to sit there and have myself dinner when i know he hasnt eaten all day

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From what you've described and the way he reacts - he is definitely meaning to. He's just being sly about it. Take it from someone who knows far too many people with Narcissistic Personality Disorder - they know exactly what they're doing, they're doing it on purpose, and they know it works, that's why they do it. It took me until I was already in a dark place before I even realized what was happening with my last situation. Almost a decade later, and I still have issues from it, and I still even have nightmares about certain events.

If you can keep that timeline of 3 weeks, if you can stand firm in that decision for yourself, then that may be the best way. My further suggestion? Once he leaves...get your locks changed and cut all contact.

26177036 10215274775811609 2093060189 n
(8 hours after post)
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well ive told him that once he gets paid he needs to have found somewhere - we are going to look at some rooms on thursday. he gets paid at the start of the month so then he has no excuse not to go and ill dump his stuff myself if he doesnt. i only just moved into this flat after leaving my ex and theres only just enough room for my things let alone his (its not a small flat i just have an obscene amount of stuff....the shoe habit is real). its not currently unpleasant apart from when we argue. hes not showed any signed of physical violence yet and i know better than to stand for that and was a cause of one of my teenage breakups so if it got to that he would be out the door instantly with no guilt on my side whatsoever. i know mental abuse is equally bad but i am strong mentally (for the most part anyway) having already gone through alot and having positive working coping strategies.

6ac6ec97 7651 45c5 b346 63c4b75d6c66
(8 hours after post)
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vampy I think once this man gets help then things just might change. The question is when the help will come and it's not right you having to wait about and deal with whatever issues he has. Let's just hope he gets a room soon.

Roccoflip
(8 hours after post)
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ProffVampy wrote:
i know mental abuse is equally bad but i am strong mentally (for the most part anyway) having already gone through alot and having positive working coping strategies.

Being strong is not an excuse to suffer abuse of any means.

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Evansent wrote:
vampy I think once this man gets help then things just might change. The question is when the help will come and it's not right you having to wait about and deal with whatever issues he has. Let's just hope he gets a room soon.

Agree

26177036 10215274775811609 2093060189 n
(8 hours after post)
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Rockster160 wrote:

ProffVampy wrote:
i know mental abuse is equally bad but i am strong mentally (for the most part anyway) having already gone through alot and having positive working coping strategies.

Being strong is not an excuse to suffer abuse of any means.

i know, and if it got to the point of suffering then again i would take mor edrastic measures. other than stress ontop of uni its not bad at the moment.

Evansent wrote:
vampy I think once this man gets help then things just might change. The question is when the help will come and it's not right you having to wait about and deal with whatever issues he has. Let's just hope he gets a room soon.

i agree and thats how i feel, but theres also that feeling of once its sorted i think it could be something good but i think that bridge will burn before we're at it

6ac6ec97 7651 45c5 b346 63c4b75d6c66
(8 hours after post)
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Yep it's 50/50.
Time will tell.😊

26177036 10215274775811609 2093060189 n
(8 hours after post)
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Evansent wrote:
Yep it's 50/50.
Time will tell.😊

i know but i dont want to waste time on sometihng that might never work. fingers crossed in 3weeks he'll be out and ill have been able to think clearly without him being here and see where things are at!

Ae12e26253191fd85bb956d030243469?rating=pg
(8 hours after post)
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Theres nothing I can say different than what everyone else said, other than the best advice I have ever received. "Don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm".

Look after yourself first, you should love and show yourself the priority that you would show someone else. After 4 months, this many red flags should be a sign of things to come.

6ac6ec97 7651 45c5 b346 63c4b75d6c66
(8 hours after post)
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ProffVampy wrote:

Evansent wrote:
Yep it's 50/50.
Time will tell.😊

i know but i dont want to waste time on sometihng that might never work. fingers crossed in 3weeks he'll be out and ill have been able to think clearly without him being here and see where things are at!

I can understand that.

26177036 10215274775811609 2093060189 n
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Ambereyes wrote:
Theres nothing I can say different than what everyone else said, other than the best advice I have ever received. "Don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm".

Look after yourself first, you should love and show yourself the priority that you would show someone else. After 4 months, this many red flags should be a sign of things to come.

Thank you amber, i know and this is why i tought it right to raise it with people and get some opinions. im sure mine will be slightly biased as always with these situations but i try not to be. good adivice though, but i know ive gone against that many times and very much got burned which i suppose is another reason im able to see it happening this time

Ae12e26253191fd85bb956d030243469?rating=pg
(9 hours after post)
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ProffVampy wrote:
Thank you amber, i know and this is why i tought it right to raise it with people and get some opinions. im sure mine will be slightly biased as always with these situations but i try not to be. good adivice though, but i know ive gone against that many times and very much got burned which i suppose is another reason im able to see it happening this time

I've been there too, which is why I've found it such good advice. I was burnt by so many different people, and burned myself out trying to help people who wouldn't help themselves that learning I need to put myself first was a massive thing. Honestly from the way you are talking I'm sure in your heart of hearts and head of heads you know what you think you should do, we're all here to support you.

26177036 10215274775811609 2093060189 n
(9 hours after post)
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Ambereyes wrote:

ProffVampy wrote:
Thank you amber, i know and this is why i tought it right to raise it with people and get some opinions. im sure mine will be slightly biased as always with these situations but i try not to be. good adivice though, but i know ive gone against that many times and very much got burned which i suppose is another reason im able to see it happening this time

I've been there too, which is why I've found it such good advice. I was burnt by so many different people, and burned myself out trying to help people who wouldn't help themselves that learning I need to put myself first was a massive thing. Honestly from the way you are talking I'm sure in your heart of hearts and head of heads you know what you think you should do, we're all here to support you.

i do know but i also dont want to be the reaosn for him falling without any kind of cushion which is why i think ill wait til he moves out in a couple of weeks. and if he doesnt hes getting kicked out as i cant afford to have him here and once hes been paid he can afford to go get his own place

Ae12e26253191fd85bb956d030243469?rating=pg
(9 hours after post)
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God I completely understand where you are coming from, just make sure you take care of your own mental health and be aware it might be messy if/when you do need to kick him out.

Druid
(11 hours after post)
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You were told what you already knew. No better way to proceed then to move forward.

Help me with:

painted

26177036 10215274775811609 2093060189 n
(5 days after post)
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just as an update for you all my fun saturday night partying turned into drunk me getting frustrated he was trying to start another argument and drunk me was ruthless and ended things. hes getting his stuff out tomrrow so i suppose everything worked out as it shouldve...however i couldnt have chosen a much messier way to do things as i was out partying with his boss who i then took home with me (yes i know, definitely not the right or good thing to do and i feel bad about it).

6ac6ec97 7651 45c5 b346 63c4b75d6c66
(5 days after post)
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😮😬

1581744157174 1581744149313 miss bot
last online: 03/19, 3:49
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You have received awesome advice already from others. Nothing I can add except to say we are always here for you. Yesterday, today, and tomorrow. Mistakes will happen. Just please don't put yourself in danger drinking and driving. It's not worth the consequences.
Praying for you....

26177036 10215274775811609 2093060189 n
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soco wrote:
You have received awesome advice already from others. Nothing I can add except to say we are always here for you. Yesterday, today, and tomorrow. Mistakes will happen. Just please don't put yourself in danger drinking and driving. It's not worth the consequences.
Praying for you....

i didnt drink and drive! not what i meant by took him home >.>

1581744157174 1581744149313 miss bot
last online: 03/19, 3:49
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Good. I'm glad.

Animation2 2
(5 days after post)
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soco wrote:
Good. I'm glad.

^^^

Druid
(6 days after post)
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ProffVampy wrote:
just as an update for you all my fun saturday night partying turned into drunk me getting frustrated he was trying to start another argument and drunk me was ruthless and ended things. hes getting his stuff out tomrrow so i suppose everything worked out as it shouldve...however i couldnt have chosen a much messier way to do things as i was out partying with his boss who i then took home with me (yes i know, definitely not the right or good thing to do and i feel bad about it).

Well done!

Help me with:

painted

Animation2 2
(6 days after post)
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Glad to hear, Vampy😊

6ac6ec97 7651 45c5 b346 63c4b75d6c66
(2 months after post)
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Sorry Vampy I've only just got an invite to your post.
How are things now?

26177036 10215274775811609 2093060189 n
(2 months after post)
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Evansent wrote:
Sorry Vampy I've only just got an invite to your post.
How are things now?

not so great. have a look at my latest post it should be linked under my comment. easier than retyping it all

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