The first thing I see is he wants to find someone else to blame for all these crisis's instead of shouldering some of it himself. Until you get him to own some of this it will be like climbing El Capitan without arms and legs.

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/content/dam/news/201...

You cannot help him unless he wants to help himself. By the sound of it he is perfectly happy by playing victim. Give him an ultimatum and stick to it otherwise he might just drag you down with him. Seems a bit harsh, but if you love someone you will do whatever it take to make it work. It sounds like a one sided attempt to a relationship (yours).

sounds like you're parenting him more than being his partner, every time you suggest reasonable options he dismisses them and places the blame elsewhere. a relationship in the early days is meant to be fun, I can see ending it looks hard as he is living with you but you have to put yourself first.

I would perhaps seek joint counseling to help with the relationship-half of this. I hope he gets more out of it than you but he needs to see your support by being by his side. Several places like worship centers should offer this for a reasonable price if not gratis.

May we ask his age? How long has he worked at this business he hates?

I agree with Gem,it sounds like your parenting him. I also think this is a lot to do with his mental health.
I get it that's he's ticked off due to the flat falling through,or his job is getting him down.
You should not be taking the brunt of his anger/outbursts.
Let him start doing things for himself.
If he carries on giving you grief then tell him straight.

How long have you been together?

Yup, agree with the others above. Rather than looking to make the solutions worse, he's looking to blame and throw himself a pity party instead. You've become his enabler and he's not learning that this attitude isn't tolerable. He's expecting things to be handed to him/done for him. That your relationship is still fairly new, and he's looking to you to "fix" things in his life is immature, regardless of his mental health issues.

Your mental health is just as important, and if he is making you managing your own AND his a burden, that's not fair on you at all. Either he needs to change his attitude, or you may need to tell him to take a hike.

Making the solutions WORK ** Still no edit option, I see. Lol.

I don't mean to sound patronising Vampy,but 4 months is nothing really. It's no surprise things are tense between you. I think everyone goes through that stage when there getting used to one another's habits.
Still this is no reason for you to be his punching bag (literally speaking) I'm glad he's seeking help,it means he's willing to try and change. I also think your more of his enabler than partner ATM. I understand mental health and the problems that come with it but you need him to make his own choices. He's a grown man after all.

I agree with Evansent that 4 months is not much of an investment.

I think that if things are this tough this early, the relationship isn't the right one for you.

A strong, solid, life long relationship can be blown to bits by life's ups and downs.

Wouldn't you rather find someone who can ride that roller coaster with you and make life's "downs" be more bearable instead of unbearable?

Vampy I can understand your predicament, I would probably do exactly the same. I have been known to be enabler myself,however I've realised through time the more you try to help the more you get shat on. You are stuck because whatever you do it's not going to be good enough.
I hate to say this but this relationship seems toxic.
You need to remind him you have feelings to.
What I would suggest is give yourselves time out. Separate to different rooms.

Yes, Vampy. You got yourself stuck. Get unstuck :)Unless you want to have a relationship that is more "give" than "take." And I don't say that lightly because in relationships, often one has to give more than 100% for a loooong time. But you know it will be worth it. Do you think it will be worth it for you to give so much long term?

Vampy....they always apologize; downplay things.... It's part of the power and control cycle. And believe me, even the strongest, most intelligent, capable women end up being pulled into cycles that they don't want to be in.

And then they sit back and wonder how in the world that happened to them.

And it sucks that he's struggling. That's a tough one. And I usually help people out, too, and end up getting the raw end of the deal.

But you have to take care of yourself

Hey there Vampy.
Long time, no-see. I gotta agree with what everyone else has been saying. Buddy sounds a bit insecure and you're taking the fall. Good thing that you've not invested years into this relationship. 4 months and it's already starting to fall apart doesn't speak well for the future. True, you 'might' be able to turn things around, but acting as parent/counsellor/emotional punching bag makes for a pretty rough road to travel.. is it worth it?

Vampy he sounds like he's got some serious issues. I know you've got your head screwed on girl (fangs do come in handy) and I just hope he does manage to get his own place.
Maybe things will improve then,either way you have always got back up here if things don't go according to plan.

I understand that you are a carer and have knowledge of psych...that's why I spoke the way I did ;)

You know what you are into and you know how hard it might be to get out. And yet, you have a loving and caring heart...tough spot to be in

I hate to say this,I've got a feeling this won't end well. I hope I'm wrong.
Sounds like a vicious circle.

When did he say he was seeing a professional?
Has he ever spoken to you about what's going on in his head?

You have a desire to help someone.

Do a little research and find someone "more worthy" to help. I hate to say that, because I think all humans are worthy...but some try to help themselves and some wait for a handout and/or play games to get the help they need.

Having said that....when I was in school, I met a fellow student: another mom like me. She had been working as a pre school teacher, which doesn't require a degree here. Her husband committed suicide. So she was working as an accountant, working as a housekeeper, taking care of her 3 kids, and trying to go back to school to get a degree for a better paying job.

She was burning the candle at both ends. But doing it to try to make life better for herself and her kids.

I contacted one of her employers (the one she actually LIKED working for), and together we came up with some donations/ways for her to pay her rent while she was in school so that she wouldn't have to work two jobs and could be there for her kids...as the whole family was hurting and needed to bond over that.

It was a way of using my "wanting to help people" and satisfied that need in me. And I also had to put time and effort...and some money into it (this was before gofundme) and so that was also satisfying.

The gift to her was anon. But it's one of the ways that I found a way to help someone and I'm proud of it to this day. There are other, smaller examples....but there truly are deserving people who could use a piece of your kind heart.

And there are people who WANT to give of themselves. So research. Listen to people's stories. You will feel fulfilled and needed, and that will boost your own psyche.

WITHOUT putting YOURSELF in a PERSONALLY bad situation.

Does that make sense?

Vampy, I'm going to say something that might sound extremely harsh, but my intentions are only because I'm concerned for you - it sounds like he is using and manipulating you. He is making you feel responsible for him, and he knows that you feeling guilty gets him what he wants.

That is not okay, and you should not allow it. It's a form of abuse.

I've been in that position. Outbursts when I've not even done anything wrong (such as having to sleep after being begged to stay awake for over 24 hours to keep them company because they couldn't sleep), then empty apologies until the next time. My situation put me into a position where I was housebound for 8 years - feeling panicky if I left the house or guilty for even going grocery shopping or needing to see a doctor.

Your guilt is being used as a weapon against you. You are not responsible for him. You cannot let him use his horrid behavior and treatment toward you and make yourself feel like any of it is your fault. It's not.

I know that you feel like he needs you, and that you're trying to help because he has nowhere else, but you are putting yourself at risk. And YOU need to come first. This is your life he is taking over and it's cruel for him to dump his stuff on you and not even give you an "allowance" to step back before you're accused of "not being supportive". That's a manipulative tactic and it needs to stop.

You may have to look at giving him an ultimatum and make it clear that if things do not change, he's out. Whether or not he has somewhere else to go. Does he not have any other family or friends?

That's just it when it comes to confronting issues it's so much better speaking to an outsider. Maybe he feels like he's under scrutiny. Hm this is hard, Vampy.
How does he speak to you? Like when he says for you to eat your own food etc? Does he say it with attitude or sincerity?

My apologies, Vampy. I missed the part above where you mentioned of his family and friends not being able to help.

Still, my suggestion remains the same in any case. As nasty as it is - sometimes, it is just better for your own well-being to walk away from someone who is taking advantage and playing mind games with you.

From what you've described and the way he reacts - he is definitely meaning to. He's just being sly about it. Take it from someone who knows far too many people with Narcissistic Personality Disorder - they know exactly what they're doing, they're doing it on purpose, and they know it works, that's why they do it. It took me until I was already in a dark place before I even realized what was happening with my last situation. Almost a decade later, and I still have issues from it, and I still even have nightmares about certain events.

If you can keep that timeline of 3 weeks, if you can stand firm in that decision for yourself, then that may be the best way. My further suggestion? Once he leaves...get your locks changed and cut all contact.

vampy I think once this man gets help then things just might change. The question is when the help will come and it's not right you having to wait about and deal with whatever issues he has. Let's just hope he gets a room soon.

Being strong is not an excuse to suffer abuse of any means.

Agree

Yep it's 50/50.
Time will tell.😊

Theres nothing I can say different than what everyone else said, other than the best advice I have ever received. "Don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm".

Look after yourself first, you should love and show yourself the priority that you would show someone else. After 4 months, this many red flags should be a sign of things to come.

I can understand that.

I've been there too, which is why I've found it such good advice. I was burnt by so many different people, and burned myself out trying to help people who wouldn't help themselves that learning I need to put myself first was a massive thing. Honestly from the way you are talking I'm sure in your heart of hearts and head of heads you know what you think you should do, we're all here to support you.

God I completely understand where you are coming from, just make sure you take care of your own mental health and be aware it might be messy if/when you do need to kick him out.

You were told what you already knew. No better way to proceed then to move forward.

😮😬

You have received awesome advice already from others. Nothing I can add except to say we are always here for you. Yesterday, today, and tomorrow. Mistakes will happen. Just please don't put yourself in danger drinking and driving. It's not worth the consequences.
Praying for you....

Good. I'm glad.

^^^

Well done!

Glad to hear, Vampy😊

Sorry Vampy I've only just got an invite to your post.
How are things now?