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"I've said it before and I'll say it again; demons I get. People are crazy."

https://www.facebook.com/amyvanezi27

I was born over 30 years ago to a woman who was legally wed to the man who sired me. I liked breathing so I decided to stick around. Nothing of much importance has happened to me since.

Where did you grow up?

In houses and flats, mostly. Though there were a few months that I spent in jail and in homeless shelters.

Where do you live now?

In a house that's falling apart and that I am anxiously waiting to relocate from.

What is the highest level of education you have attained?

Life. Life is a good educator and I am always learning from it.

What subjects did/do you enjoy most at school?

Recess and lunch, or any time I could get away with reading a novel.

What's your favorite sport or sports?

Survival. That's a very challenging sport, and one I am most fond of.

What kind of jobs have you held? Industries too!

Non Applicable at this point in time. But I'm working on someone giving me a chance to wash dishes for minimum wage.

What hobbies are you into?

Writing, reading, listening to music, meeting my nerd heroes at national conventions, and feeding my fandom addiction via Netflix and other streaming services.

What causes are you concerned about today?

Addiction, pitiful mental health support, universal health care, poverty, and the utter failure that is the NBN.

If you claim a political party affiliation, which is it?

Always a dangerous question this one; and I'm always one for playing it safer. Inquire within if it remains such a burning question and you'll die without knowing.

Which religion (if any) do you follow?

See above.

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Will Helpbot please report to the front desk?

written () ago

You have a phone call.


All Claimed Posts ยป

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Aria's Top (5) Replies by other users' votes
Anyone got thoughts on the following:

Nope. None at all.

It seems that my opinions apparently differ a lot from the majority of the people here now; so I'm just plain scared to even contribute lest I start a nasty debate that will end up with me realizing I should have just kept my mouth shut in the first place.

I've matured enough over the years to learn how to learn from my mistakes.

- written - voted for by Araz, NacthoMan, DragonLady
Help me with..

If after the above advice doesn't help...how old is your charger/USB cord? After a while, they tend to burn out and need replacing. I've only had two iPhones over the last 10 years and I can't even recall how many lightning cables I've gone through...maybe about 8 something around there? It tends to give a connection error when connecting to the computer, refuses to charge, and the computer doesn't recognize it. It may be something as simple as just replacing the cable.

- written - voted for by DragonLady, DocteurRalph
Ascendance

I agree with what @music=life said where it's hard to try and find something to say in a desire to help, because you've written this extremely raw - and perhaps that's a good thing. To get it out somehow. It whatever way in order to try and sort out the chaos in your head. It is something I can relate to as well. Words are my emotions that are given ammunition; for lack of a better way to explain it.

I do wish to say a few things though. I don't know if some sort of filtering or any sort of given perspective will be appreciated, but I needed to feel like I could maybe say something - anything that properly conveys my hope to try and help ease a little of your pain? I know sometimes it has helped me in the past.

The price you pay for drugs is a small pink simian who enjoys interlocking his twenty digits around your spine in a slowly tightening grip. But at least you are dealing with a pain fierce enough for you to understand, to endure. The subtle art of poetry carries a more subtle pain.

This screamed out at me. It says everything. On September 13th, I'll be 2 years clean after a near fatal overdose. The price I paid was that I felt like the monkey on my back was forced onto my mother - and that is a currency I refuse to pay ever again. My demons should be mine alone, and I refuse to force someone I love as much as my mother, to carry any of them.

For over half of my already lived life, I believed that I hated my mother just as much as I hate myself - sometimes, there were times when I thought I hated her even more that that; especially in the times I was actively hurting. There was a lot of unspoken pain, resentment, confusion that was left over from many years that we both found ourselves in a place where we thought nothing could fix the caverns in our relationship.

It has only been in the last five years where we have grown -together- and we have been able to begin to heal some wounds that were festering for far too long. The fear and helplessness in my mother's eyes the morning she rushed me to the hospital is one I will never forget; and while it may have been the epiphany I needed to finally see that I truly love my mother, I wish it had been another way. I should not have needed to hurt her so badly, before I realized that I actually gave a ****shit, and I was finally convinced that she did.

My mother is now, my best friend. Something I thought I would never say, or have.

That went in a whole other direction than I originally intended here, but it doesn't sound as simple or effortless as "I get it." I truly do.

My use was used to numb. To become emotionless, or at least not be aware or care of the emotions because they would rip holes of pain through me. I felt I had no other way to stop my soul from screaming. Even if it was just turning it's volume down for a short time, and letting the record play without hearing it. It didn't go away, or stop. It was just temporarily covered up.

I'm sick of writing about dope, about drugs in every form. I'm sick of recording the ups of indulgence, and sick of releasing dispatches of misery via abstinence.

I *get it

I'm exhausted, and there's times when I think it's even so beyond that, that there isn't even a word for it. I get so angry that it's even something that is a part of my life. In fact, it was only just the other day I had the second-worst day in two years. The only way it would have been in first place, would be if I had given in. Miraculously, I didn't. Or maybe the new Australian law is to be given the most credit. I think it is more likely to be the reason, rather than any kind of miracle.

I guess what I'm trying to really say here, is to possibly give words of comfort, and though I know it's so cliche, and I know that when we feel at our utter most low-point, we don't even believe the words, but; you are not alone.

Away from the self-deprecating humor, and underneath it all, no matter how much ****shit we might throw at each other in some form of weird performance dance, I care about you, and I just needed you to know that. I always have cared for you since I first met you. I've admired, and respected you. I am so so sorry that you are hurting, and like @music=life also said, do not forget that is is okay to throw a pity party. It's okay to be angry, or self-loathing or whatever you need to feel right now. And yes, we sometimes do need to feel some of that pain before we can begin to heal. It's just important to remember too, that as much as it can be believed that "I need to do this alone" sometimes. Sometimes, we really can't.

- written - voted for by verge, DocteurRalph
Okay Jebus, just for you, I came back.

Yup, I did. You might remember me as Grace. We communicated through FB for a little while, but I did a couple of sweep-outs over the years and lost contact with a few people through there.

- written - voted for by ProffVampy, Nyxotic
The bipolarizing of the young american women, brought to you by big pharma!!!

When I thought of checking into the site today, I said to myself "don't reply, even if something seems like bait to debate, even if something gets you upset to the point that you feel you have to respond. This place is not the way it used to be."

I'm breaking that promise.

First, it was the whole "young american women" thing. Because wow, that's pretty sexist. I know men who are bi-polar. Some who are very dear to me, and who I would take a bullet for...even when NOT depressed.

Then, it's the first Anonymous reply who said this;

"My biggest issue with it, is they don't have any way to know what works up front. They want to try all these different type of psycho pills just to see which one works and if they work the way they want them too. That's not even an educated guess. It's just totally guessing. There should be enough science understood behind these drugs to know what drug will work best for each patient, rather than just sticking someone on a drug and seeing if it is the right choice"

I'd have put the above in a quote block, but I cannot remember how do do so at this point in time.

Just because two or more people have the same diagnosis, does not mean the same medications will work. No matter what science is done, there will always be variations and exceptions. That is why it is important for a patient to remain in contact with their general practitioner and/or psychiatrist at all times. Some just by a few different factors. A medicine can work for a time, and then suddenly STOP working because the body itself has become immune, or unchanged from the induced chemicals. This could be after five YEARS of it functioning.

Some patients have adverse effects from a medication that are actually dangerous. For instance my mother, who has Schizo-effective Disorder, (a combination of Bi-Polar and Schizophrenia) has found success in mirtazapine. The drug itself, is an anti-depressant that has properties of treating anxiety.

After one dose of it (only a mere quarter of one tablet) I actually became psychotic less than 24 hours later due to it's sedative effects. It turned out, that shockingly, it tends to have an adverse affect on those with a family history of Bi-Polar. Of which my mother has and it worked for. Of which I do NOT have, and it actually made me worse.

My cousin has Bi-Polar, and anorexia. She has tried medications from Seroquel, to Solian, to Lithium (which in this country, is often considered a "last resort" when a person seems to exhausted other options.

When my mother was diagnosed almost 40 years ago, she was only given one diagnosis in the beginning. Mental heath and brain chemical imbalances have come a LONG way since then. Not until I was almost an adult, was it further understood that she had the combination of illnesses. And through the breakthrough of a new medication on the market, it worked.

I spent My infancy, my childhood and my teenage years watching my mom spiral up and down and go in and out of hospital, or self-harming herself. And yes, sometimes only ONCE A YEAR. There were years that there was barely an issue.

She has been well now for almost 20 years because of updated research, understanding and medical advances.

Myself, I have Major Depressive Disorder, C-PTSD (more advanced than PTSD - a rare diagnosis that is mostly reserved for those who are war veterans, or severe child abuse victims) Anxiety Disorder two Cluster C Personality Disorders. I was very very lucky, fortunate and a unique case where it was only the third medication I had tried that actually worked for me, and has continued to do so for the last 4 years.

That does not mean it always will. Nor does it mean that if it ever does stop improving my condition, it means that it was a sham all along, and quite frankly, I am rather appalled and offended by that notion.

I have sacrificed a LOT in the last few years. More than most would understand, in order to find a solution. I found one. And it's one that I am grateful for despite of what it effects in my life. It may actually prevent me from having more children...which I crave more than almost anything.

It's not a "guessing" game.

"The whole process of diagnosing the proper drug for the proper illness is totally f***** up!"

You ever met a cancer patient who has reacted the same way to chemotherapy or radiation therapy as another? Have you ever met a person who's physical (not mental illness related) pain hasn't responded to one or more drugs, but does to a another particular one?

You know what I think? I think that in the more recent times, mental illness and mental disorders have become less of a stigma and more of an everyday talking point, that others just don't want to accept or believe it, because they WANT to believe that "crazy people" should shut up and be invisible like they used to be. And when we're not...it makes you others uncomfortable.

Well you know what? Tough ****shit. We're here, we're dealing with what we can, and we are seeking help to cope and manage everyday as best we can.

- written - voted for by Araz
Last 5 Replies - All 241 Replies ยป
Religion is sick.

Well, I have to admit, I didn't expect a well-thought out response considering how your post started off...

But to make things clear, I'm not in the USA, which I'm assuming you're from based on some of your clarifications. So again, my belief in higher power really isn't the US' business, since I don't/can't vote on their politics. And if they still think it is their business on who someone prays to on the other side of the world... that's kinda creepy and a bit stalkerish.

I normally do not even state my religion here, but I'll make a rare exception considering you actually asked, and for the sake of discussion; I'm Jewish. I'm actually a pretty laid back and less restricitive Jew. I'm also LGBTQIA. I'm an individual, and what I hold as my personal views morally, socially, and even politically - my faith has no bearing on them whatsoever. Although, interestingly enough, a lot of my personal views are actually in line with my faith, absolutely by coinicidence.

Does my faith speak of those of the same genders not being equal or refusing to acknowledge their love and wish to union with one another? Nope. Despite what mistranslations may claim. Does it seek equal rights for all people? Yes it does. In fact, I wasn't raised within the culture due to my father being an Athiest Jew, and only sought to deassimilate within the last decade. My father was in fact, very political (still is, as far as I know - we haven't spoken in years) and my early childhood consisted of being very active in the political community myself - I've even ran for local office.

To condense what I'm trying to explain, is that my morals, my social views and my willingness to try and help those around me, is not faith-based. My faith is based on what is expected of me more than what I should expect from others. I am actually a pretty liberal person, politically....but then, I find that Judaism since I have been studying it more and more, seems to be pretty liberal too.

With the unfortunate exception of discovering that my Rabbi has turned out to be a Trump supporter. But then, he's also a Zionist, and I am not, so...

- written
Have you ever cut off a family member.

Sadly, several.

My father being the most severe case. Abusive, narcissitic, toxic and just something I do not need, want, nor deserve in my life. If he wants to spend his life being a miserable c*nt, that's on him, and he did it to himself. The rest of his family has done away with him too. He's going to die very lonely.

An uncle - who basically cut off the rest of us for his toxic wife. And the fact that his father (my grandfather) has been struck down in recent years from lung cancer, dementia and parkinson's and he's done nothing to even try to be there as his father dies... his siblings aren't all that happy with him either. I've had to get to know my cousins via Facebook - I've never even met the youngest and she's almost an adult now.

A cousin... but that's a complicated and not really "permanent" thing. But our personalities do not mesh at all. He's an angry person to the point he's violent...and the views that we hold would probably get us into more fights every 20 minutes with each other than I can handle. He's an active meth addict on top of all of that, and I don't like that he's openly (and defensively) friends with one of my rapists. So...cut off he was.

The last one breaks my heart a bit actually. I had some struggles growing up and he was like a big brother to me. Especially since I was practically raised by his mum. But...struggles in his own life changed him significantly, and he let them rule his nasty behavior. I no longer feel safe around him, and so I keep him at a far far distance.

- written
Religion is sick.

As someone who is vaguely religous, this actually made me laugh.

Because I never once have claimed that I'm at all sane. I have self-inflicted scars and medical records to prove it.

The difference being, my being religious doesn't effect anyone but myself. I'm not someone to think what I believe, or don't believe...should be the standard of how someone else lives their life. So why does what I believe, any business of yours?

- written
Straight/Bi men: Have you ever met a woman that made you have trouble trusting women generally or wish you weren't into women anymore?

I've sadly had trouble trusting men most of my life, just due to my experiences with about 97% of them. I basically feel like the character Carin from Patch Adams...almost every man I've come across since the age of 6 - hasn't really given me much respect or allowance to my own autonomy.

It may have somewhat contributed to the fact that I discovered in my mid-20's that I'm asexual too, and why I'm pushing 40 and still haven't had consensual ***sex. I've wanted to, but it requires a lot more trust, and when former childhood friends, and even family members have broken and betrayed that trust...it makes it all the more difficult.

But I think recently, I may have found a good one, and he hasn't turned out to be sexually deranged domestic violence type...at least not yet. Lol. So I'm holding out for hope, and thankfully, he knows the baggage I carry already But we've known each other since high school 20 years ago and just reconnected years later, so I guess that helps? Probably the only decent guy I met in that entire town too, but then the bar's not real high.

- written
I truly equate time wasters the same with murderers.

If slow walkers and stop'n'talkers in grocery stores count as time wasters, I completely agree!

I just want to get through, grab my stuff and get out. But then you have the ones you're stuck behind because they've decided to stop in the middle of the aisle and chat to a friend they run into...or leave their trolley and walk 5 metres away to get what they want, without realizing that someone behind them can't squeeze through their abandoned trolley and a display set up, ugh...

And the ones who treat shopping like a gentle stroll, I want to ram my trolley into the back of their knees. It's fine if I can dodge and weave through them...if there's enough room, but then I somehow get dirty looks because I'm in a hurry to get passed them.

Do they think I have hours to spend at the store and I don't have something else I need to do?

- written
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