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Self-grieving and poisoning thoughts.

Before I begin, this is NOT a 'contemplating suicide' issue, so.....we're good.

Have you ever had those moments in life in which you feel like you just don't matter? Like if you never came into the lives of those around you, absolutely nothing would have changed anyways, and your departure means the same, nothing changes?

I've struggled with trying to make myself more appealing to others, more interesting, something worth getting to know. I have had the luxury of having people come into my life, but nobody has stayed longer than a month or two. the truth is, I have had friends from over 17 years....who just stopped wanting to meet, who don't repond anymore, who come up with every excuse as to why we cannot meet.

As time goes on, I look at my phone and email, social media....and months go by without word from anybody. It's been this way for years, and only gets worse. Truthfully, if it wasn't for work wondering why I stop showing up, or immediate family living with me, if I died right now.....nobody would know for several months and have the nerve to be surprised.

Dating is no different. I feel like I am such a nobody that my track-record of failure speaks for itself. Granted, I see now some critical errors in the past that I can fix, but following a recent breakup.....my hopes are naturally at a low. Because after all, I see couples all over locking hands, happy, stories of passionate bed-romances and how lucky they say they are to be that loved. Me? Heh, like that kind of thing exists for someone like me.

I mean, why would it? Childhood friends cant even be bothered anymore....I feel like I am losing everyone and everything.....And no matter what I do, try, or say can stop it. If this continues, what is the point!? What the h*** kind of life is that? As I said...if I died right now as I type, nobody else would know until months later, that I can prove by lack of contact not initiated by me.

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Since writing this post Anonymous may have helped people, but has not within the last four (4) days.
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Helpbot
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Suicide Prevention Lifeline

If you are contemplating suicide, hurting yourself, or you are seriously depressed: please, seek professional help!

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I don't own pets, but if I died, the evidence of my existence would be eaten long before my dead body would be discovered, if I owned dogs.
I know how you feel.

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PepperJ
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I know how you feel too. As a woman who is getting older and has been out of the job market for 17 years, I feel as if I am sort of useless most of the time.

But I'm sure you aren't! You talked about having friends! One of the things you need to remember about friends, is that during that first few months of nurturing the friendship, you have to be the giver in the relationship. You have to compliment your friends and be there for them...because everyone these days tends to put "friends" on the "back burner" with all we have going on in our lives. So you make sure that you stay relevant and up front with them. And the relationship will grow and get strong and you won't need to do that anymore. OR...you will find out that the person is someone you would just as soon not be friends with in the first place

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soco
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Thank you for your post Anonymous. This is exactly one of the reasons Helpdotcom and Help-QAdotcom exists.

Now, I am going to ask you a favor. Reread your post as if you were a 3rd party to the issue and write what your response to this person would be.

After that I will give you my response. Promise.

Help me with:

We have another hurricane coming this way.

Helpcomanimatedyetiwithdot256
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Have you lost any classmates yet? Two so far, for me. One during the 2nd year, the other a couple years ago. I didn't know them well, but witnessed the mourners then and thenceforth.
Yes, I am aware of the feeling. Deem it deceitful. Not that they don't care, rather always too late to say so.
17 years is a long while. Never managed to hold on to the same close friend longer than 3. Like an invisible backlog of vexations piling up, permitting the physical dislocation to break the commitment. There are few furnaces belching hellfire nowadays, to forge pairings which don't wane over time.
This doesn't indicate futility. Things happening all around; not as a clean equation like newton's 3rd law, more like quantum mechanics shenanigans. Are you so certain you know your friends well enough to lure them to make the expected move? (Aow iv 1-3 comes to mind.)
I don't much care for meaning. I prefer to make my own goals. My profile's filled with a few of my interests, which most assuredly make me hard pressed to find a viable common language with any inhabitants of this planet, particularly natives of the commonwealth. Notwithstanding, devotion itself contributes to a sense of accomplishment, even in a fleeting connection.

Help me with:

[quote]Test.[/quote]

Sherlock by olga tereshenko d9qdidc
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When we were in high school, we were all thrown into a tidal pool together. It was strictly an accidental gathering. Then we left the tidal pool for the deep blue sea--and we lost touch with most of those in the tidal pool, opting to form associations with those who shared our interests, activities and values. We learned, often painfully, that high school romances were simply practice romances--at least for the most part.

But we are constantly moving on, forming new associations . . . and becoming more of a "loner."

That's right. As we get older, we tend to get more solitary.

For one thing, we find we do not need the approval or adulation of others that we felt we had to have when we were younger. We know who we are. We can write something, make something, design something or change something and know its intrinsic value whether or not anyone else likes or dislikes what we did.

Jettisoning "approval addiction" is one of the first steps to a healthier self-image.

Drawn log viking 19
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Truth be told, for the first 26 years of my life I felt obsolete. Attempted suicide twice with varying results (chronic pain primarily) for a long time I've only had one good friend and that contact is slowly waning (Given he has a family now).

I'm not going to go into detail but life has been challenging, love even more so given I suffer from severe trust issues stemming from past events. Therapy lasting 3 years did nothing to change this.

At this time my mother is in the hospital fighting for her life after multiple strokes in the left brain half. And the person she appears to trust the most still (after my father) is me. It feels like my purpose in life at this point is to extend hers or make the end as comfy as possible (this thought breaks me).

Following this period however I don't know where I'll be. Or if I'll be at all. It seems even after 31 years, life isn't really going anywhere. So ever more often I wonder if it makes sense to continue.

Sorry for the most honest reply I'll ever post.

-Legion.

Sherlock by olga tereshenko d9qdidc
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I had an experience with my own mother like yours. It's extremely difficult. It's heart-wrenching. It's heartbreaking.

We all have an allotted period of time on this earth. We can postpone our meeting with God, but we cannot avoid it entirely.

So--we have to figure out what we can do in our allotted amount of time, and to seek personal fulfillment and a modicum of happiness. From my personal experience, the most happiness we can experience comes from being of service to our fellow human beings.

I agree--without a Creator who has a Plan, this cosmos would simply be one big unfolding tragedy. We would all eventually die, and then the cosmos itself would die--eventually turning into nothingness. That it might be reborn at some future time would not matter a whit to those beings that had already perished.

Sherlock sees evidence of the Creator and the Plan all around him. It is comforting to know that this is not "all that there is."

"When you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains--however improbable--must be the truth." -- Sherlock Holmes

I have eliminated the impossible. What remains--though some may see it as improbable--I see as the truth.

And it keeps me going.

A
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