Lol wish i could say that @Jebus-Zeus! :D or better still if i actually could vomit..

Thanks @soco, only two days left. I am guilty of wrong clothes - started dressing up for the other guy who i like, but otherwise i believe am professional and a minimum talk - a sentence or two.

Am just so sad that i worked so bloody hard for over a year and now it is all destroyed :(

Yes @Helper, how? (Not only at him but in general) :(((

Thanks, better not; although he's already left me 5* review on my online nanny profile where I get work from.

Yes, just not sure she knew about it until I thanked her for the review thinking it was her who wrote it!! :((

Yeah, guys @soco & @DocteurRalph - not funny! :( two more days and it is over for me (hopefully!), but she is really unhappy and hurt, and will have to live with this..

I don't want to be a nightmare in their life especially when nothing happened and i am mad about another guy.. :_(

Ps: i went for a walk yesterday and i saw him there; what a coincidence! I chose the place as it was our first date place with the other guy.. I hate these demons messing with me, and I hate the way I am always messing things up and causing pain :(((( it's been like this for the past 22 years and I need it to end.

Lol, Doc, thank you, so nice to read your response - Mea Culpa, Mea Culpa, Mea Maxima Culpa (yep, I was born a Catholic.. will die as a wh*re)..

I am now certain that it is the way I dress what the problem is (in this case).. A relative arrived to visit the family today, and made a comment about my dress suggesting - what the hell are you wearing in this house?

But I am not lusting.. It's just looking; I wouldn't touch.. Even today he walked there topless.. Would you resist looking at a topless woman, Doc? Btw, I managed to say no to marrying a 'heap of muscles' (but mostly as his brain and heart was messed up)..

But, DocteurRalph, I AM truly sorry about your friendship :(( All my friends kinda let me off the hook, but again, i am that dreaded friend who their husbands lust about..aaaaargh

Dear @soco and @music=life, your comments are very kind, but I dread that in my case it is a pure evil..

I have been thinking, and analyzing, and overanalyzing, and praying.. and 'the voice' says that - because when I was trapped in my abusive marriage unable to get out (oh, if only you knew how messed up i was by his abuse!), he also cheated on me.. For years i had to lie to myself that he was not, but then in one quarrel i stupidly confronted him, and he even more stupidly admitted to cheating, and of course blaming me - 'if i can't have it at home..'

And btw, did i mention that EVERY SINGLE GUY i ever been with cheated on me? (well, i didn't catch one and never confronted him, but i think he did also as when we broke up i found lots of p*rn on my computer in his account..)

Anyway, the messed up me now unconsciously does something around men to get their attention to make their wifes suffer like i did.. I am afraid this is indeed the true reason for my sickness :(((

And now, i really want it to stop - but how?! :(((

As for the other guy.. thank you, music=life! Well, i just need to drop him from my mind and heart.. we don't see each other, although a week ago on Monday after probably like 50 text messages, a few phone calls, and one or two visits to his place, I managed to get him to meet me..

I couldn't sleep and just texted him that Papa (God) told me that I will be happy once I let go off him and forgive him.. I wrote to him after midnight that i forgive him and letting him go.. but i will be dating again as i can't forget..

IMMEDIATELY he replied asking me to call him and apologising for not answering my messages.

We met (like before) in a car park after 1am.. He sat in my car (first time) and we talked for an hour.. yep, didn't argue, didn't want to kill each other, and when he got too *****horny he took a runner (as i had blamed him well enough for just wanting a free s*x).. oh, we even discussed a marriage - but he concluded that something about me is not right (oh, boy, if he only knew! ]:P )

Anyway, the next morning.. 'i think we should stop this' 'thank you for understanding' 'stop sending messages' 'you are moving away' 'no, don't bother to stay' 'you can go on date without any problem'.. and a silent treatment.

But somehow i have peace after that.. :((( But (almost) all women would be so happy if i married another abusive guy - ha, how they would be laughing!

Anyway, dear music=life, i so hope, believe and pray, that you will meet that Mr Perfect who will treat you with respect and love and you will live happily ever after.. <3

https://scontent.flhr1-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9...

Yes, narcs are all the same.. :/

The tragedy for me is that there is a better type in my life.. He's had feelings for me for well over two years. I just never had the confidence or believe that a guy like him could possibly like someone like me :_(

Of course, I have regrets now :( Ever since I knew I was gonna move, I realised I would miss seeing him around..

But it's all messed up now as i stupidly went out with the messed up guy instead!! And im moving next week 4-5 hr drive from here.. :/ I never learn - did the same thing 20 years ago (and even had a child with the messed up guy..)

Yes dearest @Sherlock, you are right.. However, what is the solution?!? :(((

Got a magic wand to wave? ;) if only it was that easy.. Im so messed up that dont realize a bad guy is bad until it's too late.. And sometimes i see the red flags, but still fall. It seems like a curse which i am unable to brake.. Will you say a prayer for me/us?! PLEASE! :)) xx

Ps: In the last at least three years i have noticed that all the good guys who i meet are hooked up with abusive/controlling women, HA!!!

THANK YOU, Soco xx

..i've read loads of books already on this topic; i will look into that one, too but doubt it will work.. :(

I remember what the guy asked me last Monday - Mya, why dont you believe that somebody can love you? And i was going to argue with him about it.. but i knew he was right - the root of my problem is that i dont believe that someone can love me.. :/

Not sure what the root is for other women..but hope and pray that they will find it and overcome it.

An UPDATE (if anyone is interested):

My last day yesterday.. Mommy boss and daddy boss both away; i worked over 12 hours and left the kids with a relative (managed not to cry until i got to my car. The little one waving bye to me for the first and last time when i was putting him to bed.. :_( )

They left me a huge box of chocolates and a card with a gift voucher. Both older boys signed the card, although the younger one told me that he did not want to write anything as he hates me, but mum made him do it - he drew a gigantic heart - well, i've got a lot to learn from my nanny kids. (First time i saw their hand writing, wow! Been with them for over a year..)

(I presume) mummy boss wrote apart of thank yous that they will miss me a lot.. and hopes to keep in touch. Ehm, am I right thinking i should not?! 😄

I swear, may Papa help me, this was the LAST TIME this happened..! Gonna kill this Mya b*tch and gonna be the best nanny in my next job.. by Papa's grace and deliverance from all my demons and traumas.

So, who needs a nanny..?! O;)

http://www.callthenanny.co.uk/wp-content/upload...

:)) Thanks, Sherlock.. wish it was that easy @ #7. -> I'm messed up, i can't even trust myself. It's a constant confusion.. Been through too much abuse - they have broken me completely!

(I liked that article under your 'Help me with:' - it is gone now! :( )

#1 Can't do that - need to trust God, not meself :/

#2 How do you know a person if you don't date them (if you already don't happen to know them)?

#3 I think I learned this lesson.. Took me ages.

#4 Ehm, I did not this time.. Made no difference.

#5 Never ever looked for someone to complete me.. Maybe to compete with me.. ;D ..and I am not a complete person.. Demons are taking over my mind and body most of the time. It is a constant battle..

#6 Did that only once - dated because i felt sorry for him, but not because i believed him to be an underdog.. (because i believed i messed up and did not want him to suffer because of me)

I hate dating.. and was so happy not having that option. Now i'm all broken and don't know what next.. need to reconnect to God to know what His will is for my life.

Thank you xx

PS: Found this today on fb (don't agree with everything)

https://scontent.flhr1-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9...

My issues briefly explained:

https://scontent.flhr1-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9...

https://scontent.flhr1-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9...

What my mother put me through, and I spent a lifetime recovering from -

https://scontent.flhr1-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9... ..and still not completely free!

I got a work related email from my mommy boss a few days ago.. also mentioning how they miss me 'almost EVERY DAY', and if they are around where I live if they can meet with me for a coffee! I don't know, I thought I was the crazier one..!! But I offered them that they can stay in my place if they ever need to..

Last Monday I went to pick up my daughter from her Australian adventure to an airport 6 hours away from our place. After 4.5 hours when I reached a town where we used to live, I could not drive any more :((( Asked the guy I was mad about, if he would drive for me the remaing 1.5hr to the airport. To my great surprise, without hesitation he agreed! While I was waiting for him to get ready, I broke down in tears from exhaustion..

Anyway, he dressed up like on our first date, and behaved like then as well! Asking me to trust him again..?!? Yes, I am crazy, but not that crazy.. I enjoyed being with him again, however, he had to spoil it by dangerous driving and smoking in the car which my daughter did not like.

I sent him a text message that we returned home safe at almost 1am at night. He replied 'nite nite', and that was it.. Haven't heard from him again, although I had to send him another text as he asked while he was driving me, if he could have my old job!! (He never worked as a nanny!)

I was getting so over him when I moved here, and after seeing him on Monday I can't stop thinking about him again.. so, made things worse for meself. :((