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246 replies, Replies 131 to 140

I don't know a lot of the people here.

LittleNick!!!!!!! glomps

I am so so so glad that you came here! I was really sad when I thought I wasn't going to see you again.

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Well, great, Iโ€™m already addicted again.

I could think of worse addictions. Lol.

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Hey, I'm here, glad to see the place is back to some form of normal.

DocteurRalph wrote:
I thought you were ManthyT or something. I remember most everybody here, but I sure don't remember aria having a David Bowie avatar. Is that new?

Yup. I changed it. I originally (NH) had an image of a tiger in rainbow lighting.

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Will 2017 be remembered for the empowered women coming out of the shadows of abuse?

As I said above, Silverset. It is the fuel that keeps me being wary and not too quick to trust. I'm not in general, an angry person. In fact, I used to be quite a doormat and believe that I could trust almost anyone and everyone. No matter how many times I got hurt otherwise. I would trust first, before that person earned my trust.

At some point though, I just snapped (I'm talking within the last 10 years since Old Help here) and I find that being disappointed or expecting the worst FIRST, leaves less pain when they actually do mess up. It protects me emotionally and physically, because I prevented myself from being too emotionally invested.

I'm no longer a "target", because I don't paint my own bullseye.

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Mera

I would like to think she has gotten help, too. But I do worry that if she does come here, she may find that she may not be welcomed very warmly. A lot of people got hurt through all of that (not just me).

I actually developed the habit of "hoarding" after all of that. Like it was some sort of "credibility" card if I was to ever need it. Photos, documents, text messages, e-mails, conversations, proof of people existing or ceasing to "exist" (AKA, died), etc. Just from sheer paranoia that everything I did, said, or would say/do would be questioned and I could avoid losing friends because they could know that I wasn't b.s'ing if it ever came into people's doubt.

Maybe it's a weird bit of silver lining. Lol. The drawback however, is that I discovered things about people who I could verify were b.s'ing me and it sucks when those people were once people you cared for and were your own blood...

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Mera

Again, NOT the members who were here (despite above mentioned people) were to blame. Mera and Pae caused a lot of doubt, confusion and distrust. It was understandable that people reacted in such a way.

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Mera

A lot of what I personally went through was in private, manthy. Most people here didn't witness it...thankfully. Once I snapped, I think I told maybe...one person, and then I just couldn't stand coming here anymore, believing that I was hated for something I didn't do, on the assumption that I was somebody who I wasn't.

I don't blame them on said fears and worries, though. Just at the time, I needed to heal myself, and I knew I couldn't do that with people not feeling that they could support me at the time, because they didn't trust me. At the time, paranoia was very high. Even someone with a seemingly "serious" story or need of help was questioned or accused.

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Has anyone seen my lost dog?

sophieshizuko wrote:
Yes.. he's on facebook.... just invite him back

Apparently, some have tried. He declined and blocked said invitees.

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Mera

Rockster160 wrote:
I never heard the full story- honestly Iโ€™ve learned more from this post than I knew before. Always wondered why/how pretending to be multiple different people could cause such a problem. But I guess if they used that to gain intimate knowledge of some and then using that knowledge against them in some ways.

The person of "Pae" that I spoke of above, did indeed try to gain my trust (a full YEAR before they even introduced me to old Help). And they WERE told intimate and sensitive information that I was scared to be revealed. In hindsight, mostly stuff that I am not afraid of to speak of, but some really really dark stuff. I was afraid that if I ever did them wrong, they would use it against me so that people would know stuff about me that was...well, none of their business unless it came from me.

I know the same stuff about THEM in return, but I have only ever told people extremely close to me, because it personally affected me after I cut contact with them (especially since some of it became an actual global news story). My fear, is that if they ever do come back, after everything with my recovery. I might just flare up and say stuff and reveal stuff about them that I shouldn't.

Hard to explain, but let's just say...innocent parties would be harmed, and I have NO anger toward said parties.

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Will 2017 be remembered for the empowered women coming out of the shadows of abuse?

I completely agree, @BA1 I know it is me that need to heal, and it is no longer on those people (especially since one of them is dead). But I think a part of me feel the need to stay angry, because it prevents me from being too gullible and too trustworthy. I feel like my anger saves me...in some weird way.

And, though I know it wasn't a question, I can answer at least from my own point of view:

Big-Al-One wrote:
This isn't a question - how is it that women/girls do to themselves worse than what was done to them?

I blamed myself because I felt like I should have just "taken it" (in the instances that were not "aggressive"). I blamed myself because as mentioned above, my best friend's mother killed herself over it, and the other victims only came forward because I spoke up and went to the police. My best friend lost her mother at only eight years old because I followed the advice of counselors and my parents. AKA - I didn't keep my mouth shut.

I blamed myself because I didn't tell my mother what her boyfriend was doing to me BEFORE he harmed my best friend.

I blamed myself because I let him get away with assaulting me, in my own house, with my best friend/roommate sleeping next door because I had been "drinking" I was "unlovable" and "unable" to have my boundaries "respected" because I wasn't popular and thought that it was the only way anyone would ever think of me...as a "toy".

I blamed myself because my parents and other adults told me that because I was a "victim" at a young age, that it was like a "target" on my head and those seeking an "easy target" could sense it and I became their prey. I basically blamed myself for making said past "noticable".

I blamed myself because society constantly todl me (and still tells me) that I should have been the one to protect or handle myself better. That I should have spoken up sooner, that I should have fought, screamed (even if a knife was at my neck that one time...because apparently risking being killed is more "brave") or told someone immediately.

I blamed myself, basically because in a lot of my cases....everyone ELSE did.

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