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ProffVampy
last online: 05/07, 19:08
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life is just a comedy....

rececntly my life has felt like a telenovela and its most of it is just hilarious. If i had to be any kind of famous I would be a comedian and at times like this i think id have some great material!

Most recently i feel i could do a whole section of the stuggles of Tinder (dating app for those that dont know) as a girl and all the rediculous things that have happened to me on there.

What amusing things from life would be in your routine?

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Since writing this post ProffVampy may have helped people, but has not within the last four (4) days.
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life, happened, rediculous, amusing, routine
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soco
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Interesting question. I'm working on a stand up routine based on all the ads on tv by big pharma.
"Don't take if you are allergic to Ford Motor Oil."
Who the fudgenuts isnt?!?

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had this fortune cookie i saved it for years..

"life is a tragedy for those who feel .. a comedy for those who think."

Electric
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During my youth involved in drug culture, I drove this little Honda Civvic with a blown out driver widow. I sealed it with wide clear tape until it became firm. Other than a short in the fuse panel that would cause the rear lights to go dark everything about the car was fine.
I drove to the city to visit a friend with a coffee can packed with shake (dried pot leaves crushed fine).
I sat in the parking lot after knocking at his door - he was not home, and so I rolled a giant fatty and got to the fine art of reefing.
The fact I couldn't roll down my window didn't concern me - it was all bonus. There was a local hub for young folks and I thought to go see what was happening.
Well, the Christmas lights in my rearview mirror were a bit brighter than normal and considering the cops had more engine than my POS car, they decided I should pull over.
Now, some people have the luxury of rolling down their window....but when the officer walked up to me, I had the honor of opening my door.
Have you ever experienced a night where the air was dead still? That cop sure did. As I opened the door the sheet of smoke came toward the cop like UPS delivering freight. It hung about him for a few long convicting seconds until it lifted into the air like a parting ghost saying "Good luck."
"What's that pot I smell?" was the first thing out of his mouth. But really now, it was clear he didn't know the fine differences of what was what.
I looked at him with a dead eye and told him with as much seriousness as I could muster, "That's not pot, sir, it's shake."
For a moment, his face became glazed as if the matrix froze the program to begin reformatting a sequence of thoughts.
"I pulled you over because your rear lights are completely out." it was a good thing the fuse panel was easy to get to and visible to the cop. I stiffened some aluminum foil back into a slot that had worked itself loose. "How's that look?" I asked.
He looked and saw the rear lights were working. He told me to make sure they stayed that way because he didn't want to have to pull me over a second time.
He left and so did I.
Now, for those of you who don't know the fine differences when it comes to weed - the state law doesn't recognize any difference between "bad weed" or good. Busted is busted. In reflection of historic events, the only reason I wasn't arrested was because the cop thought I said "Sage," and to boot it smelled like it too.
A real life comedy experience from decades ago.
Hope you liked.

Hayao
twosocks
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I use to think when I was younger my life felt like some weird wes anderson movie where a quaint song would play and everything was whimsical and plain.

But lately it hasn't felt like a comedy, it's felt like more serious. Maybe because I'm starting to feel more like an adult. I'm not really sure why.

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BigWilly!
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twosocks wrote:
I use to think when I was younger my life felt like some weird wes anderson movie where a quaint song would play and everything was whimsical and plain.

But lately it hasn't felt like a comedy, it's felt like more serious. Maybe because I'm starting to feel more like an adult. I'm not really sure why.

As long as Wes Anderson hasn't morphed into Wes Craven.. you're golden.

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Helpcomanimatedyetiwithdot256
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You have such nice cops, or incredible luck, BA1... 50% of the time I'd been requested for credentials during bus rides just for sporting a beard. And one time whilst walking the remainder of the way to work, they just stop next to the pavement, half blocking incoming traffic, and start interrogating me. Out of 3 visits to the central station, in 2 I'm detained and tried by MPs for bristles beneath the ears (and you're always guilty in military trials...). Always had a sneaking suspicion I'd end up in jail indefinitely some day for no reason, somehow has yet to come to that.

Aw, don't be sad, becca. Have a cookie. ๐Ÿช :)

I'd like to hear some of those tinder tales, miss vampy... the internet's a mad world.

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Fern
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I think of life more as a tragic comedy. Sad, but funny as hell!

*Significant other leaves and I throw a party! ๐Ÿ˜„

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ProffVampy
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Yeti. wrote:

I'd like to hear some of those tinder tales, miss vampy... the internet's a mad world.

Theres a few!
First one i managed to bring home, we watched netflix til 6am and he left so he could sleep before work - there isnt a bigger hint than a girl asking you back to their flat or so i thought....

second one we met at the supermarket and were going to make cocktails at my flat! We met up quite late like 10.30pm. find him there all is good, but the bacci kiosk is closed so we convoy in our cars to the petrol station so i can get bacci. i go into the shop at the garage, wait in the queue and see him drive off the forecourt and away...he then messaged me saying that i wasnt good looking enough without makeup and if i put my face on we could try again tomorrow.

Third decided to threaten me and call me every name under the sun for not sending him the very xrated photos/videos he was asking for. he got so desparate he was threatening to put my poster up all around my university to shame me. come find me at the cinema and publicly humiliate me..i have been around the internet long enough to know that wasnt going to happen and just laughed at him.

And finally the most recent was some random guy adding me on snapchat which i have very recently got! souldve been a friend or anything so im like sure why not. nope just a random guy, we're talking he saw me on tinder and found my sc. he sends me a pic of himself and hes definitely not my type, hes still trying tho! transpires hes the new guy to be starting in my shop in 2 weeks time, a very small independant shop in town. we all know everything... and hes still trying saying no one would need to know blah blah. i have since told my boss and hes on a warning already without even starting yet!

Now i am luckily the type of person to laugh at all of this and not take it personally, get upset etc by it. But as everyone assumes life is just so easy for a girl onn tinder its clearly not xD that or i am doing something very very wrong.....but ive found some nice guys too so not all bad!

Also @BA1 greeat story! I appreciate it more than you know xD

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ProffVampy
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I have another story that would have to be in it though its a little xrated so if you're easily offended by penises please look away now. i will understand if this doesnt get approved!

Once upon a time i snapped a boyfriends banjo. I was about to drive back across the country to london for work and we decided to have a ******quicky before i left. So we are going at it and suddenly hes in alot of pain, we stop but it subsides so we try and start again but the pain is instantly back. So he pulls out, and blood is everywehrre! We both freak out and then we realise its coming from him. so we wrap his pecker up and hope its going to stop bleeding!

Well it doesnt and after half an hour hes a bit dizzy so i decide to drive him to A&E/ED. But to get to the car we have to walk past his dad working in the dining room. he spots us and asks whats going on and my bf says "we're going to the hospital because i hurt myself", while clutching the injured area through his jeans. Curious his dad asks "did you cut it or something?"...my bf says "yes something like that". And off we go!

I am in stitches at this point, its the funniest thing to happen in a while, from teh panic to the awkward to the general dafuq?! so we get to the hospital and walk in, im still dying of laughter but im not guna leave him. we go to check in and the nurse wants a brief description of what happened. i just couldnt cope im tryig to keep it in but we are in a hospital surrounded by injured and sick people because we had too rougher ***sex. she then asks "is this your supportive friend then or...?" and i reply "yes...i brough him here what more do you want? Its funny" And we sit down..


After the triage and being put to sit on a bed we are waiting for the doctor. theres an old guy opposite with blood all down his face and i feel bad but still im chuckling to myslef, possibly more than i shouldve been. So we wait because hospitals in the UK are really slow but the doctor finally gets to us. And if only i could link a lil gif of the walk and move he did but will try and describe it. he looked at the chart and glanced at us. i saw the smirk as he chuckled over and said "so, were you headed for a bit of afternoon delight?" while clicking his fingers as he moved them in a forward circular motion so it ended with two thumbs off.

I die, right there im done. hes the JD (from scrubs) of this hospital and i just cant. So they get on with the examination and advice etc. By now, about 4hours later, it had finally stopped bleeding and all was well so we head back to his! dont worry, i had rung my work to let them know that i would be making it in. So we get home and obviously his dad knew something had happened and wanted answers, which meant his mum would know and god was she nosey! Turned out his dad had gone into his room while we were out and seen the blood all over the bed and surrounding areas. they were both really worried so i take the opportunity to go to the loo while he explains.

Having to explain to your parents why youve had to go to the hospital, clutching your crotch and having that much blood in the bedroom i didnt envy him. but he does and theyre both a bit confused but his dad understands more so than his mum and looks at him and said "well you dont do things by halves now do you son".

Fat forward a couple of months and his mum has had too much wine and decides to get nosey and asks "so how exactly do you manage that? I break it?" and im thinking right...do i be really blunt or make something up/brush it off. I have also had a small amount of booze, not on the level she was but i was feeling relaxed so i decide to be honest! And i explain that it can be a bit hard, a bit rough or a bit dry and the friction will split the skin and so the 'banjo'. She then questions me further... "well which was it?" so i told her honestly "it was a bit of all three" She looked confused and changed the topic to something completely different.

He healed within a couple of weeks and all was well. Though i find that story so funny, when i tell it in person my friends are always laghing so i hope it came across well on here!

Hayao
twosocks
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Yeti. wrote:
You have such nice cops, or incredible luck, BA1... 50% of the time I'd been requested for credentials during bus rides just for sporting a beard. And one time whilst walking the remainder of the way to work, they just stop next to the pavement, half blocking incoming traffic, and start interrogating me. Out of 3 visits to the central station, in 2 I'm detained and tried by MPs for bristles beneath the ears (and you're always guilty in military trials...). Always had a sneaking suspicion I'd end up in jail indefinitely some day for no reason, somehow has yet to come to that.

Aw, don't be sad, becca. Have a cookie. ๐Ÿช :)

I'd like to hear some of those tinder tales, miss vampy... the internet's a mad world.

Lol I'm all good! But I will always take a free cookie! ๐Ÿ’—

Wow ProfVampy, that last story about breaking your boyfriends...parts sounds super awkward! If that happened to me, I'd die!

Helpcomanimatedyetiwithdot256
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Thank you for sharing these balmy ventures. Everyone I knew irl was remarkably modest / coy so they're certainly insightful.

Contrary to popular belief, a handful of guys maintain a modicum of dignity, he might not have wanted to press for it on the first date (I'm assuming). Or maybe he doesn't have cable and was exposed to a world of possibilities.
The makeup fellow... ๐Ÿคฆ
Things really degenerated hence, huh. At least you've managed to shrug 'em off for now. Unfortunate these predators find their mark after enough attempts.

Don't forget there's sturgeon's law to consider - 90% of everything is crap, so filtering is never easy.

I know these uncontrollable bursts of laughter during inappropriate times, understandably comical in retrospect... but then, from his perspective, since it sounds like he was gushing blood all over the place, I'd imagine those hours must've been agonising, mostly the pain in his tenders inhibiting thoughts & perception. But quite the man, his father.

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ProffVampy
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@twosocks it was very awkward but so funny xD

@Yeti. i know there are indeed guys out there with dignity however im not very good at finding them thus far it seems! and yes his dad was great his mum was a nightmare!

i am sure there will be more amusing stories to come and i will keep you all updated if there are any xD

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