i told my partner of five years that we needed to talk
cos i felt so paranoid that he didnt feel the same about me as i felt about him. turned out it wasnt paranoia it was true. he admitted not feeling the same as i did. but he doesnt want me to leave. i love him so much i want him to feel the same but i know i cant really change how he feels. we have lived together two years now. six months ago i took a new job with a very drastic pay cut. he owns the flat we live in together. i cannot afford to stay in this job and move out.. i could get my old job back but it would mean loosing the job i now love and loosing the university training course my new job is sponsoring me to do in september. I think the absolute world of him and cannot imagen my life without him. This whole situation is killing me. I feel very out of control as it feels very much like the ball is in his court. it is me who will loose the love of my life, my home, my pets, my job and my university place. yet i do not know what else i can do... i want to say to MAKE him love me but thats stupid right
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Evansent wrote:
When did things start going sour between you and what was the catalysts?
I fear it all started to go wrong when i had breat surgery to remove lumps. he was working when i was in the hospital and i foumd the surgery a lot more phisically and emotionall draining then i expected. I had a long time off my then job and a lot of time to reflect. I decided on a huge career change. to take the new very low paid work i needed to be financally supported by him so i told him it needs to be a joint decision that i take on this work (previous to this i had always been the one to earn significantly more)
he is adamant it is not about the money and that he just cannot picture a future with me
What happened when you found the lumps was he supportive?
Did the intimacy change between you?
Could there be someone else in the picture?
He can’t just fall out of love like that...
Has it ever bothered him you being the main bread winner( you earning more) I know some men can feel intimidated by this..
Has he ever complained about your low paid job?
If he wants you to stay in the house could this be due to splitting the bills,or could it be that the love is still there and just needs working on..
It makes no sense “him wanting to end it” yet he wants to remain with you. Unless he feels you could work this through.
You’ve been together for 5 years.
It sounds like he’s going through a phase.. Lots of relationships go through it. It’s no picnic is it,but if it’s worth fighting for then the end result is the ultimate prize.
He may not love you to the same extent you love him but he loves you enough ask you to stay.
It may just take him longer to feel the way you do. Maybe he needs to learn to open up.
Maybe he is expecting to just FEEL this overpowering love and so he misunderstands when he doesn't. Because he feels love but not the crazy love portrayed on TV.
Love is effort .
Anonymous wrote:
He may not love you to the same extent you love him but he loves you enough ask you to stay.
It may just take him longer to feel the way you do. Maybe he needs to learn to open up.
Maybe he is expecting to just FEEL this overpowering love and so he misunderstands when he doesn't. Because he feels love but not the crazy love portrayed on TV.Love is effort .
it's been 5 years! How long until she realizes that it's not going to happen?
If he realized that he doesn't see a future with you just because you're human and not every day will be shinny, for me he doesn't worth it. As far as I know, he should let you stay there and when you got the chance, just move out and move on. It's very harsh to say to somebody "you're not good enough to share a future, but stay anyway because right now I don't have anything better, and I feel a little bad because I'm part responsible for your situation with the job thing".
I don't know, maybe it's just me being cynical, but from my perspective noone should waste their time with someone who thinks they're not good enough. Oh! And of course you should keep your new job, you're not going to mess with your future just because your partner is an idiot.
@Kalinihta I was commenting based on what she said in the post. Not the comments
Based on the comments I'd say you should leave him.
It seems like he's holding onto you but waiting for something "better"
There's someone else out there who will think your the best thing that's ever happened to them. It probably won't take 5 years either.
I'd see if he's willing to be roommates till you can move
Prioritize.
You have received input from one source and you are 100% right that he will not change.
So now decide do you keep living a lie to keep the job you love or do you leave so you can afford room and board solo. Choice is up to you.
Help me with: We have another hurricane coming this way.
No future with this guy. You are a surrogate wife for him. Plan to leave. University is secondary now. Get your old job back, gather up your pets and find a new place--or go back home.
You have wasted half a decade with him. Our lifespans are not 10,000 years. We do not have decades to waste on people who "see no future" with us.
I would say it's time to move on and the sooner the better. Yiu don't want to waste any more time with someone who doesn't see a future with you. You need time to heal and pick yourself up and find the one who loves YOU so dearly that HE can't imagine life without you; and the reciprocal would be true, too.... but you need TIME to get there, and like Sherlock said: we don't live forever. Each day is precious. Don't waste it.
See if you can find a different room mate in a slightly smaller place to split costs with. Keep your job. You will get raises. Don't leave both your loves (him AND job) at the same time if you can help it
Dolly, this guy will never, ever change. He doesn't like the idea of personal responsibility. He flees from true commitment like a vampire flees from a silver Crucifix!
You have put up with this intolerable situation because, somehow, you feel that you don't deserve any better.
But you do.
There are guys out there, Dolly, who would crawl on their hands and knees over a kilometer of broken glass just to receive a smile from you.
And, as you have found out, one person cannot love enough for two people. When there is true love, your love and devotion is reciprocated. If you are not loved back, then the relationship is doomed. In fact, it is not a real relationship at all.
You could earn twelve doctorate degrees from that university, and they would not make up for a life in which your love was not returned.
Please extricate yourself from that prison immediately. And that is what it is--a prison.
You can never find the man who will return your love and make you feel like the Empress of the Universe as long as you are living with a loser.
I have read your comments and i am greatful but it is a hard thing for me to reply individually. My head has been all over the place!
He wants to change - he is the one who booked counselling which gives me hope.. I understand this maybe false hope. I am no longer paying him rent or bills or paying for anything which makes me feel a lot less bitter over our living situation.
He has asked me to be in the city for 5pm tomorrow so I'm excited for a date night :)
Dolly wrote:
I have read your comments and i am greatful but it is a hard thing for me to reply individually. My head has been all over the place!He wants to change - he is the one who booked counselling which gives me hope.. I understand this maybe false hope. I am no longer paying him rent or bills or paying for anything which makes me feel a lot less bitter over our living situation.
He has asked me to be in the city for 5pm tomorrow so I'm excited for a date night :)
I think your doing the right thing. Hope it all goes well for you.
Today's thoughts, he is away working so I'm in the flat alone. Everything reminds me of him and then on turn reminds me that he never loved me how I loved him. So all the memories I have seem now tainted.
(He owns the flat outright no mortgage to pay - I'm technically his lodger) I told him no longer going to pay him rent but yesterday he asks if I'll pay bills. Part of me thinks maybe I'm being mean? But I've been paying him out of my savings along with paying him 50% of my earnings now so that he doesn't have to have a job and he can focus on his dream of being an actor... Now I'm starting this new low paid teaching stuff and he has no real interest in financially helping me
How long do I have to give him to decide?
Sherlock wrote:
If I could, I would organize a snatch operation to get you out of there!
He took me to a tv show recording we where audience it was really cool and for a show with a comedian i love! then we went to my fav local fancy pub and we had a lovely meal and chatted and drank it was so perfect... then the next day i just felt so shitty feeling like it is so perfect for me but if he doesnt want to commit i can only assume it isnt how he feels at the time? :(
Im sorry to say but just because you went out and had a good time together doesn't mean his innermost feelings will change towards you. It was one night afterall.
I don't know why you are still wondering " if he doesn't want to commit ". He doesn't. If he did, he would tell you so and certainly would show it. Not just when he wants/needs company for the night.
Be aware of this totally natural but very destructive human tendency>>
In desperation we will often look for any sign of hope and give that more attention and value than it deserves- only to soothe our hearts/minds- and all in an attempt to avoid the bitter truth....
You are hurting yourself by staying when you know deep down he does not want to continue with the relationship.
Detaching will not be easy but I gather it has already been painful for you. Its time you severed ties and created a new life.
Give yourself time to heal and at the right time you will find someone who will appreciate and want to be with the beautiful person that I am sure you are.
Remember:
Nothing ever lasts, Nothing is ever finished and Nothing is ever perfect.
Stay focused on loving and respecting yourself and in time, you will be rewarded in magical ways.
Help me with: I was told that
The idea of some man who wants his girlfriend to support him--while offering her zero commitment--so he can "pursue acting" makes me want to grab him by the scruff of the collar and drag him to the nearest military recruiting station!
Pardon me, but I must now have a shot of rum just thinking about it!
Sherlock wrote:
The idea of some man who wants his girlfriend to support him--while offering her zero commitment--so he can "pursue acting" makes me want to grab him by the scruff of the collar and drag him to the nearest military recruiting station!Pardon me, but I must now have a shot of rum just thinking about it!
that and also the possibility that he's acting nicely just because she's his funder, makes my stomach turn.
So he doesn't want our relationship to end and he is saying he is working on it. And I know I don't want our relationship to end either.. He is too scared to commit.
I cannot just leave I do not earn enough money. I have played with the ides of leaving my low paid work and earning better money again.. but that would mean leaving the university place i have worked so hard to get funded for september..
It's been 5 years I don't think I can just walk away. Even if I did earn more... I've arranged a trampoline park trip and lunch on Wednesday. I feel like i'd do anything to feel that perfect loved up excitement again so I'm looking forward to wednesday.
I can see how i'm flipping one side to the other with every post, every hour..
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