Okay, I'm ready to close this account.. I appreciate all the help and replies; I know it saved my sanity in the last few months!

I will be back on here once I find a new name and am trauma free :)

Wishing all everything good and may Papa up there bless you all always xx

I got a work related email from my mommy boss a few days ago.. also mentioning how they miss me 'almost EVERY DAY', and if they are around where I live if they can meet with me for a coffee! I don't know, I thought I was the crazier one..!! But I offered them that they can stay in my place if they ever need to..

Last Monday I went to pick up my daughter from her Australian adventure to an airport 6 hours away from our place. After 4.5 hours when I reached a town where we used to live, I could not drive any more :((( Asked the guy I was mad about, if he would drive for me the remaing 1.5hr to the airport. To my great surprise, without hesitation he agreed! While I was waiting for him to get ready, I broke down in tears from exhaustion..

Anyway, he dressed up like on our first date, and behaved like then as well! Asking me to trust him again..?!? Yes, I am crazy, but not that crazy.. I enjoyed being with him again, however, he had to spoil it by dangerous driving and smoking in the car which my daughter did not like.

I sent him a text message that we returned home safe at almost 1am at night. He replied 'nite nite', and that was it.. Haven't heard from him again, although I had to send him another text as he asked while he was driving me, if he could have my old job!! (He never worked as a nanny!)

I was getting so over him when I moved here, and after seeing him on Monday I can't stop thinking about him again.. so, made things worse for meself. :((

..Been just over two weeks in the new home. First night that I allowed the rabbits to sleep in the house and not in the porch, they destroyed one wall where they have bitten off most wall paper up to where they could reach! :(((

I didn't know they liked wallpaper! I covered that wall, but the next night they ate a wallpaper from a different wall.. :(((( They now have to have just a limited space where they are allowed! Dexter is not happy, but he is able to go out into the garden and he loves it..

Regarding my deposit from my old place. Well, it is going to make @DocteurRalph happy! ;) When finally after a day delay I manage to finish decorating and cleaning my old flat, and the landlady came to inspect it (not happy that I still had a whole car of things lying around); she agreed to give me my deposit back once I remove everything from the flat.

I had to leave my bike and a few things in the garden as they did not fit in my car, but returned to pick them up last Monday, 8 days after moving out. I sent the landlady a message if she would give me my deposit back.. She replied - yes, after I calculate how much you owe in rent! I knew it; I so knew it she would give me some blow, it was all going far too smooth..

Anyway, first two days of us arguing that I did not owe her any rent I manage to stay cool and handled things well. On the third day I lost it, but eventually managed to convince her that I did not move in on the 15th as she thought, but on the 1st. I ended up paying rent for 6 days, because I always thought that I moved in on the 3rd, and she charged me that extra day that I stayed to clean the flat up to 4th; and then I admitted that when I moved in, I moved in two days before the tenancy started and did not pay rent for those two days (for some reason which I can't remember, and her husband was dealing with it at that time, so she did not know), and I offered to pay for those two days now.

We had a further final argument how much that should be as she calculated 6 days rent at my last rent rate, but when I moved in I was paying less rent. She got all defensive and threatening to charge for damages in the flat (which I did not cause) when I challenged that. Anyway, to satisfy her greed, I agreed to pay 6 days rent at my last rent rate. She did not reply anything, but when I checked my bank statement, she put money which she owed me into my account. I sent her an acknowledment that I got it..

After 15 years having two different Indian landlords, now I have white folks for landlords. I was waiting for 'the catch' as the rent in the new place was relatively low, and they were very accommodating to my every request to allow me to sub-let, or to foster kids.

'The catch' turned out to be (so far), that there is a garage which belongs to the property. However, they converted it into a sort of condo where they have a bedroom with a small kitchen and a bathroom. All electricity and water gets charged to MY bill! She agreed to pay towards the electricity bill.. didn't mention anything about water. The water bill is a third more expensive here than it was for my flat where there were two of us, and here I am on my own.

Anyway, I'll see how they are as landlords. There are some things in the house which need repairs, but overall I am happy here. Need to find a lodger now to help me pay the rent.. so far, nobody has been interested :( (i'm going to remove my rabbits from the advert to see if they are the reason why people don't apply.. O:) )

Just wanted to thank you, @soco, for your prayers! There were so needed, and they indeed helped.

Daughter came back last Monday after 26hr flight, and a further 11 hr journey to our new home. On Tuesday she admitted that she spent about 2 weeks travelling around North Australia also. I don't know why she wouldn't tell me beforehand?! Why would she think that I would have any objections to that when I had already accepted her going across the world to see a guy whom I can't stand..!?

Anyway, she still has not said one single word about him, other than he went travelling with her.

Two very positive things which came from her trip were that she's ovecome some of her social anxiety problems - she stayed in a house with 4 people (and for a few days 6 when relatives were visiting); she went camping,too; she learnt to use public toilets whereas before she could use only the one at home; and she learnt to try new food (even a crocodile and a kanguroo!).

So, thank you again for the prayers! It is so nice to be able to report something positive xx

:( You didn't let them down; you didn't do it on purpose! It is very sad and unfortunate that you are not well to join the competition, but I am absolutely certain you did all you could to be there!

I hope your coworkers are supportive!

I am sorry about your marriage ending :_( And I understand that focusing on the competition would help you cope with the pain of it.. I've had quite a lot of counselling in my life, and had to learn new copying strategies and how to handle feelings (not only pain, but especially anger) in a more constructive way. Some things I have mastered well, with some I still have a long way to go..

For me a few things were really important to learn - how to grieve; as I always pretended for myself that it didn't matter how that person hurt me in this way, or destroyed that..

Then I had to learn to forgive.. myself, others, and 'God' (God can't do wrong really, but for us to accept that all He allows to happen is good for us, is not that easy).

And in between a lot about personal boundaries and how to deal with toxic people.

I keep clothes in 3-4 different clothes sizes which is annoying, but at least it removes the anxiety from me putting on weight..

So, hope you will feel better soon! I am certain a better opportunity will come for you to shine! And that darkness really does not last forever, although sometimes it does drag like forever.. But it DOES get better! Believe.. xx

Aaw, don't! I had a period when I coudn't stand my own daughter, and with my last nanny kids there were times when I could strangle them. As most of the time we were in public, all the people saw how I was struggling with them, and about 3 weeks before I finished my job, I had a mental breakdown at work and cried for an hour in public..

We have our limits, and being physically & mentally exhausted can make us doubt ourselves, or break us, but it gets better; believe..! Hope you will be able to get some rest and feel better soon, Nix. What's the puppy's name?

:O noooo! :(((( So, how are you feeling now? Did it help you to get over him..? Sending big hug xx

Oh, found this on fb a few days ago (people battling trauma might relate)

https://scontent-lht6-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/3...

Well, negative changes.. have you heard about mental health issues? Personality disorders might not be 'treatable', however I have my theories.. Behaviour is easier to change than personality.

Really, easy?! Why is there so many unrepentant people around then..? Some people are pathological, which means they don't have conscience and don't care, or are happy to cause pain, suffering, or death..and they NEVER change.

I guess some people just change their behaviour, some completely change. I have done both; but like yourself I still feel like it is just me even if nothing what I do/say/feel etc. is the same anymore.

I hope you are not the same as you were when you were 3! ;D

I am not a philosopher, or a psychiatrist, and if you want things more complicated, research what trauma can cause to a human brain/behaviour..

And btw, is there any particular reason why you are concerned with this right now? I really would want to be a different person to my past self.. trauma free. However, I can not even imagine it :((

Ah, okay! Thanks for clarifying for us, who are a bit slower.. :) And yep, indeed no good deed goes unpunished.. but why is that? Ego? :( I hope next time they will care and know how to show the appreciation, and you will be humble enough to handle it graciously.