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Is emotional cheating just as bad as physical cheating or not as bad?

I don’t really talk to other men about my problems but my husband has a friend who is a girl who he talks to about our relationship issues. It really bothers me, he sometimes even tells her things before he tells me. Communicates with her more than he communicates with me. He doesn’t feel like he’s doing anything wrong.

Trying not to be a jealous person but it really hurts.

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16935743 1750032141977429 1455532587 o
(23 minutes after post)
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You should tell him how you feel. Good relationships are built on the trinity of: Trust, Communication, and Mutual Respect. This is true for all relationships whether romantic, professional, familial, fraternal, etc. And if one pillar is missing then the relationship is going to be miserable. If more than one is missing the relationship is almost guaranteed to fail

Animation2 2
(26 minutes after post)
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Yes, I believe it is just as bad. He may not be physically "dipping in," but he is distancing himself from you, which will lead to the other. And he is causing you pain.

An intimate partnership is sharing your most private and vulnerable self with the other person... physically, emotionally, etc.... and supporting one another's vulnerabilities. He's sharing with someone else, and it can't be good

6ac6ec97 7651 45c5 b346 63c4b75d6c66
(1 hour after post)
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Have you spoke to your Husband about how this is making you feel? I guess it all depends on what kind of relationship you have. Have you been having 'issues' for a long time?

314sftf
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(2 hours after post)
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Sometimes its easier to talk to someone else than the person concerned. with men it can be especially hard to talk to other male friends about relationships.

I think you need to tell him how you feel.

Cjg0wsg
(2 hours after post)
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Also - have you asked him to WHY he is doing this? Is there some reason he is seeking council from another, rather than you?

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Anonymous
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(3 hours after post)
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I did tell him how I felt. We even went to marriage counseling where he was very defensive since our counselor told him he had to stop talking to her. He agreed to but then started to again after we stopped going to counseling. It’s like my feelings don’t even matter to him sometimes. It feels like I’m talking to a wall.

The trust is gone and it’s really hard to get it back. I don’t know if I’m being gaslighted or not. I’m treated like I’m crazy all the time and I don’t feel like I am.

Electric
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(3 hours after post)
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The situation is difficult.
In an opposite case scenero, I happen to be "the other man."
I met a single lady at the local pub over 10 years ago and we became friends. I liked her, but she had been seeing someone else which was no big secret, so I was listed into the "friend zone."
As time moved on she got married. To me, that changes everything. There was nothing bitter or remorseful on my part but, no....we can't be friends.
A period of two or three months passed when a truck rolled up into my drive. The husband got out with a slam of his door. He looked at me standing in my doorway.
His very words were, "I hate that b!t@h and I need you to get her off my back!"
I looked at him for a long second and nodded him over, "Come on in..."
And we talked. Typical married life and drama of newlyweds I have tried to avoid regarding couples and spouses.
Well, she wouldn't let me go, and he wouldn't let me escape. I am friends with both of them but I primarily "service" the mental and emotional state of his wife and he's comfortable with it.
For the record, there was never a time where our emotions became blurred or confused into physical involvement.
The hubby has his other guy friends (which is typically normal) to vent his frustrations with. But, she is brash, a hyper-alpha female who hates other women. She knows I have nothing to lose when I say she is full of bull$#!t - she knows she is going to get the solid truth from me. Many other times she is right and I let her know because I have no ego invested.
It's been 13 years and we're (she and i) are still friends. I'm much of the reason her husband can get a good nights rest and the reason she hasn't committed first degree murder.
It's beyond my understanding, but since the situation exists, I have rules. I keep the secrets like the holy grail and there is no cross-talk. For me, because I"m a guy, it's like in one ear and out the other.
I can only speak from my case and my point of view. My advice is; Go have some coffee with this woman and determine her level of integrity.
Hope this helps.

1581744157174 1581744149313 miss bot
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(4 hours after post)
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Let me ask, what are your discussions like? Do they escalate quickly until one voice is raised higher than the other? It has been my experience that once shouting has commenced all LISTENING has ceased. It would just be an assumption but he talks to her because she listens. Genuinely listens. My advice to solve this is two fold. When you start to believe that a subject is starting to rise to the point of tension building up, instead of replying right away repeat back to one another what you heard the other person say. That means you have to listen to what the other is saying instead of forming what your response is going to be the moment he stops talking. If it helps more, take notes.

My other suggestion would be to play reverse psychology. You find a male friend to spend some quality time talking to and see how he reacts to it. But like Jonathon said, if the trust issue breaks down, the relationship is practically busted and it might be time to move on.

6ac6ec97 7651 45c5 b346 63c4b75d6c66
(6 hours after post)
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Soco makes a valid point about "listening" if he feels like your not giving him enough attention then he will seek it elsewhere.
Who is this person whom he speaks to about your issues?
Has anything gone on in the past that you know about,or do you think anything "sexual" could happen between them?

Dr. ralph club zps9ornptsl
(11 hours after post)
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I don't think it's as bad as physically cheating. In fact is talking to another girl really cheating? I think the problem is really that you two can't talk, can you? Do you have long conversations about how each of you feel? And if he did tell you exactly how he felt would you get mad?

I guess it is easier to talk to others about your relationship issues because you really can't talk to the person you are having issues with, without starting a fight. Is it just the fact that it's a girl that he talks to? What if the person he was confiding to was his brother or best guy friend or his dad? Do you have someone you discuss your problems with? Maybe that's why you're here. Maybe that's why a lot of us are here.

No answers but plenty of more questions I know. Hope I helped...

6ac6ec97 7651 45c5 b346 63c4b75d6c66
(20 hours after post)
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I also agree with Ralphy there's no harm talking to the opposite ***sex. If he only sees her as a "friend" then he should be allowed to talk to her if and when he chooses. I can't blame him being a little miffed when he was told 'not to speak to her'
It also depends how long he's known her. Was she on the scene before you two got together?
Are you bothered about what's being said,or is it because she is the one he is confiding in?

Cjg0wsg
(22 hours after post)
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Hard - because as Big al illustrates, it COULD be entirely fine.

However - you mentioned something that I believe is critical :

Anonymous wrote:

The trust is gone

Without trust - what is the point? So - Can you get this back? - you need to have a serious look at where you are heading here. Even if everything was perfect, your husbands friend didn't exist - would you be happy? Where is the actual issue here? Is it with the friend, or is she just a symptom of a much more serious issue?

Cb97425f a27b 4dd6 a43b e54138790934
(1 day after post)
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I would be p*ssed if my SO did that to me, especially after going to counselling, and he knew it wasn't good for our relationship. I think, talk to him, if that doesn't work, more counselling. If that doesn't work, the emotional effort you're putting into the relationship might not be worth it if he isn't willing to put in equal effort. Relationships are about equality, something my SO is always reminding me, it's easy to have double-standards. If you had a guy friend that you spoke to, would you do the same, and would you think it is okay? If not, then he's in the wrong.

I do think emotionally cheating is as bad as physically cheating. But honestly, that is something that should have been discussed and mutually understood, since each relationship is different. The dynamics between one couple may be that it's acceptable and that's okay, while the dynamics between another may be otherwise, and that's okay too. It's something that should be discussed.

Others here have good advice. I second the idea of meeting with this woman and seeing what she's like. Invite her over for dinner when both of you are present if you prefer that. I don't think that it's wrong for a person to have a friend that's the opposite ***sex, single or not - although (admittedly) I'd be pretty jealous about it. Either way, there should be boundaries, they should be understood and accepted by all involved. I had a male friend overstep boundaries which had a negative impact on my SO, and I had to reinforce those boundaries, because it was the respectful thing to do.

Relationships are complicated.

Dr. ralph club zps9ornptsl
(1 day after post)
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And I wasn't really trying to say it was okay for him to hang out with another girl all the time. Most men who do that are just waiting for the right moment to make their move, I'm sure Al is the exception to the rule. I wouldn't want my wife hanging out with or even just talking to another man all the time and she wouldn't go for me doing it either.

I was just saying it is not cheating like having ***sex with another person is cheating. Still it is a wall between the two of you and it has to be torn down. Make a date every day at some predetermined time to talk to each other for a half hour. It used to be people did this every day at dinner I don't know if anyone eats dinner every night together any more. Try it.

And yeah where did this girl come from? At first I was thinking he worked with her and couldn't help being around her and they just talked. If it is someone he goes out of the way to meet, or calls and texts constantly it is a lot bigger problem. A LOT bigger. That is time he could be sharing with you. Like I said in the original post I think maybe you two have trouble talking. Work on that.

That call her up idea is good. If she is just a friend that shouldn't be a problem. If she has a problem with it there is probably more going on.

Hayao
(2 days after post)
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That's very understandable. You're not being jealous , you're being hurt and rightfully so. You're relationship with him means a lot to you, and you want the bond between you two to be more meaningful than with anyone else. If my boyfriend talked to another girl about our relationships before talking to me, I wouldn't be very happy with him.

You should tell him how you feel. If you don't, it probably won't change. But if he loves you, he will take your feelings into consideration. And he should care about your feelings more than a friends. He isn't committed to his friend the way he is to you.

I don't know if this is coming out cohesive enough, but I hope this helps (:

Hayao
(2 days after post)
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(*Your relationship with him) silly typo

1581744157174 1581744149313 miss bot
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(2 days after post)
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I think jealousy is a little part of it but not all. If this other person was a guy he was talking to, this would not be an issue.

Hayao
(3 days after post)
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You can be jealous of any relationship your significant other has. I've been "jealous" of my boyfriends friendships before, if he seemed to value his friends that were guys over me. It's just about wanting to be the person your loved one goes to first when they wanna talk.

Hayao
(3 days after post)
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I guess the point I was trying to make is that you shouldn't write off your feelings because you think you're "just being jealous," there's a valid reason why you feel the way you do. And don't dismiss it.

6ac6ec97 7651 45c5 b346 63c4b75d6c66
(6 days after post)
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How are things poster?
Hope you've both managed to sort your differences out.

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