You can't change people, you can only change how you react to them.

You know she's like this - don't take any of it personally. You can only help her if she is ready to be helped.

I’m sorry to hear about what you’re going through.

Many people don’t know how to handle their emotions. Mental Illness is especially hard, doing basic tasks, but it sounds like she could do better with her family.

Try to take a step back, and look at her through a different lens, her words may not be /her/ talking since her perspective is distorted by her emotions/mentality.

Carry on as you would, do what you have time to do, you’re doing the best you can - do not become a participant in her game. I would just say, “we have too much to do to think about cleaning, maybe you could help us” - I’d really just repeat the same phrase, not even bother changing it.

It’s important to also support your dad in this situation, is there anyway you can get her help? A psychological evaluation?

:( your mom does have issues..! Her behaviour is toxic.. Are you in a position to move out yet? It is having a negative effect on you to be around. Try searching for Toxic Relationship Recovery/Healing. Hope you will find the right help. All the best xx

766

 WeHaveKids»Family Relationships

When and How to Cut the Ties of Bad Family Relationships

Updated on February 21, 2018
What Is Family?

In just a few words... family defines us. It's a significant part of who we are to the core. An interesting thing about families is that people can tolerate more bad than good, and even a strained relationship can still be considered satisfying for both people.

Families can be the ones who drive you nuts, but are also there by your side in tough spots. That's a fair trade: Take the good with the bad. Family members are the ones who've seen us at our best and worst, and the love is consistently and unconditionally there... or should be. The key ingredients in a healthy relationship are acceptance, love, the ability to agree to disagree at times, and mutual respect without having to change or control each other.

These are ideal conditions though, and for some it's never been this way with certain family members. These relationships, when stressed or tense, are the worst to endure because our family means so much to us. Unfortunately, many people are faced with the excruciating decision of whether or not to continue a strained family relationship with a parent, sibling, grandparent, son, or daughter. If you have to cut the ties, it's usually because you feel you have endured years of discontent (or even abuse) and you have no other choice. Many who are reading this have endured too long.

Just because someone shares some DNA with you they get to take your stuff? Call you names? Demean you? Sabotage your relationships and career? No way!

— Dr. Phil McGraw

Evaluating the Relationship

Chances are you've been evaluating the strained relationship for awhile, but committing to cutting the ties brings on feelings of guilt, failure, emptiness, doubt, abandonment, and even grief— mostly from everyone else in the family.

No matter how strained, intolerable, and/or abusive the relationship is, it's a difficult decision to make. Asking yourself the questions below can help.

What's the history? Psychologists have an old saying: "The best prediction of future behavior is past behavior." Having extensive history is what hurts the most when breaking up with a family member, but if that history has been chronically negative, this can make it easier to make an informed and intuitive decision. It will be hard to let go of the relationship if there were good times, but easier to cut ties if it's been a long, torturous road in general. Sometimes it helps to put it all on paper— one column for positives and one for negatives—so that you can see both sides objectively. Watch our for patterns that show the relationship is getting progressively worse. Also, if they keep insisting they've changed, then keep your eyes open to determine if that is indeed true. Even if they have changed, they still need to earn your trust again and be patient with you.Who else is affected by this relationship? Sometimes, breaking ties with one person means you could have the entire family upset with you. What a weight on your shoulders! It's important to manage other family relationships and evaluate the effects on others as well, but don't feel entirely responsible for everyone's feelings. Will breaking ties effect others? Is this person so awful that it's worth upsetting the family unit? Will other family members support your decision? Don't hesitate to cut ties if the only reason you are keeping contact is for other family members’ comfort. Group enabling is sad but common.How is the stress effecting your personal life and current family? Many people get confused and think their parents or the family they were born into is more important than the family they build for themselves. This is wrong. Your wife and/or husband now take precedence over your mom and/or dad, so don't tolerate original family members if they negatively effect your current family: You are responsible for their well-being and action must be taken. Preferably you, rather than your spouse, should handle your family members.What's your role? We take on a label or role from an early age in the family unit. Sometimes we get stuck in that role and transfer it into our lives beyond the family. Often, moving away symbolizes a new life away from our family. Later this can cause issues between Family or instead it can ease tension by being located towns or states away! Your role in the family could be "the baby”, the “troubled one”, “shy one”. Or you might be "the fixer“ and “mediator” - one keeps the peace at all costs, taking care of everyone. Sometimes a family needs a scapegoat, one to blame everything on. Thise willing to speak up, or the squeaky wheel, are usually the people who are ostracized. Don’t let the family problems fall on your back if you choose to change your position within the family.

You can find more advice here: https://wehavekids.com/family-relationships/Str...

Your mom sounds like my wife. She has started to be miserable all the time too, and for no apparent reason. She doesn't work, has a car and money and absolutely no responsibilities but all she does is *****bitch about how awful her life is... All the kids laugh behind her back and say "what the hell is wrong with her? All she ever does is throw a couple of loads of laundry in the washer twice a week and go shopping. What's to be miserable about?"

So yeah I know where you're coming from but I haven't figured out how to make her happy. I have figured out you can't make someone else happy, they have to decide to be happy themselves. Hell I could live under a bridge and eat out of a dumpster and enjoy myself more than she does...

30.. yer still just a sprout! Still PLENTY of time to head off and do your own thing. Just have to live within your means and life can be pretty damned fine.. this coming from a guy whose lived below the poverty line, well below, for my entire adult life.. yet lived better tban many who are well above it.

Happy Birthday! I hope you can get your own place soon! You need to get out of there--it's just unhealthy!

You are right, we can't make other people happy.. I don't know your wife's age, but could she possibly began having some illness - alzheimers, or something else affecting her mood? I hope it is nothing serious and she will have a shake up and realise how blessed she is.

Maybe she feels that her life has no purpose?

If I had no goals or dreams, I know I'd be depressed. Maybe encourage her to do something for her community or pick up a new hobby or take a class.

Yeah I encourage her all the time to do something and she just hangs out in the room watching tv feeling sorry for herself. Really if I did what she does all day I would have killed myself by now. Ever since the 5 kids grew up she doesn't have a purpose. You're right, but I don't know what to do about that. Hell she barely ever babysits the grandkids, if I was in her place they would be over every day partying with Grandpa Ralphie.. sorry Nix, not trying to take over your post.

Oh! Hope it all goes well, Nix.. maybe the dog will touch your mom's heart.

Sometimes medication is needed to get out of the worst of depression, but you can't force a person to go to the doctor until it gets really, really bad.

My mother was like that..or even worse - having my pets either killed or abused..

Some 15 years later she found her perfect dog (who was like her!), and they both lived happily after.. until the dog died.