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Let's talk about victim shaming.

In 1996 when I was in the army on deployment for Operation Joint Endeavor, I went out with some girls from my barracks. We were all friends, we we took care of each other. We knew what army guys are like. We all had a strict two drink limit.

A cute fellow was being encouraged by his pals to chat with me. He shyly approached and offered to buy me a drink. I declined but did talk with him. He said his name was Shawn I think, but I don't really remember. He seemed nice.

At some point, one of Shawn's friends brought two cups of beer, and gave one to him, one to me. I vaguely remember feeling dizzy. After that, nothing, it was the next day. My friends told me they found me crying on the floor of the ladies room. I don't remember it.

Y'all know where this is going, don't you?

So what could I do? I went to work, I went on with my life.

A few days later, in the daytime, I was working a night shift and was visiting some friends at the recreation center in the daytime. A man I didn't know approached me and said he needed to talk with me privately.

I refused. He said he needed to show me something. I didn't believe him. He told me he had video of me having ***sex with "Shawn", and he would show it to everyone (who is everyone?) if I didn't come with him. I was confused. I asked to see the video. He said I had to come with him to see it. I consented.

We went into "tent city" the area where people who were just processing through stayed. It was daytime, so hardly anyone was around.

Outside a tent, he asked me to go inside. He promised to erase the tape if I can agreed to have ***sex with him. I said "I don't trust you. Show me the video right here or I'm leaving."

The video was what he said it was.

I watched, then erased the tape, then checked again to be sure it was gone. I don't know if there were other copies. I'll just assume there weren't.

After that, the guy said "I let you erase the tape, now you have to have ***sex with me."

He grabbed me and tried to pull me into the tent. I threw his camera hard at his face, he cursed. I kicked his shin, squirmed free of his grasp, and ran like mad to the bus stop, where there were more people around.

I didn't report it right away. I had seen what the army did to ****rape and sexual assault victims, and didn't feel ready to endure that. My friend had been assaulted by two men, reported them, and she got sent to the mental hospital while they got no punishment - even after publicly bragging about their actions.

"Boys will be boys." La dee da.

I wonder, though, was Shawn also a victim? Was he drugged too? I don't know. And if that guy had never attempted to blackmail me, would I have known anything? Would I have been traumatized at all? Would I have been better off not knowing?

About two years later I reported it. Obviously nothing came of the report. I had been having PTSD, with dissociation whenever I was under stress. I went to a counselor. One day I was listening to news on a radio at work, and the memory of the attempted blackmail came flooding back.

So lately, these Kavanaugh accusations, that's ok, I'm ok with accusations and descriptions. I was fine through all the "metoo" furor a few months ago. What I'm having a hard time with is the mockery of the alleged victim, the moment when the president the United States mocked the alleged victim - and the crowd cheered and laughed.

What the hell kind of creatures are we? I have lost faith in humanity. I don't even know what to do.

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43ca60d0 2fa2 42fe b234 d2ff6891f6dc
(7 hours after post)
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I was going to post something about this too. My heart dropped when I saw that he was elected. I am ashamed that I live in an world that would turn a blind eye to these acquisitions. He does not deserve to be living let alone getting more power. I know what is like to walk around knowing that the person who did me wrong could hurt me again. I can’t imagine what those women are going through. But I am proud that they told there story bc know I was too scared. I want their bravery to inspire girls around the world to speak up.

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Anonymous
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(8 hours after post)
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I want their bravery to inspire girls around the world to speak up.

As long as the people who speak up continue to be punished or ridiculed, most of us would continue to not speak. Better to forget about it than to have to relive it while others laugh.

43ca60d0 2fa2 42fe b234 d2ff6891f6dc
(15 hours after post)
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And that is why I didn’t. I just wanted to forget and pretend it never happened. What we really need to do is to teach men. But after this whole thing i think we set women’s rights back

Helpcomanimatedyetiwithdot256
(19 hours after post)
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I have jested anent & belittled a host of grievous matters, but never this one. In humanity have never put much faith. One may gather a few close friends and family members for trust & support, and that's about as much guaranteed.
I'm grateful to you for sharing this narrative. Meseems you've handled that situation quite courageously, though it has left its marks undoubtedly (as mentioned).

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Favidbowiepic
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(19 hours after post)
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I completely understand where you're coming from.

I was 16 and I lived in a small town - I had recently left my last foster home out of frustration but I was still under guardianship of the state, so they found me a supported accommodation program. One of my best friends moved in with me (also 16, she just wanted to live independently from her parents, and by that point, we had both dropped out of school.

Some of my family lived in that small town, and it was a place that I spent many years of my earlier childhood growing up in. My aunt helped raise me when my mom was unwell and in hospital. The problem with small towns? Everybody always seems to know everybody. This wasn't an exception.

I wasn't popular. Hell, eve my best friend admitted to me that she only was nice to me in the beginning because she felt sorry for me. I was the punching bag of the social ladder. I was humiliated among groups of people my roommate was friends with (she was the popular one...I was the shy, awkward geek, no matter how many drugs I used to try and fit in with them.

We often had people around until late at night, smoking weed, drinking, whatever. We were young, stupid, and lived by ourselves. We had no rules.

A friend/connection of some of my family found his way into our circle. Let's call him Paul, not his name obviously. He was the brother of one of my cousin's ex's and well...all my cousins knew them anyway...small towns. Ugh.

Anyway, me being the complete loser of to radius of the small town area, didn't really think I had to worry about being "unsafe" I'm not attractive, didn't date, didn't "dress" any particular way that they all like to talk about (I don't even like my forearms being exposed). I was not anyone's "catch".

But, apparently one night after having a few drinks, Paul decided he'd try and be funny and sleep in my bed. Okay, fine. Wasn't the first time I'd shared a bed with another guy where nothing happened, and hell...he's a popular guy, I'm Jar Jar Binks' twin sister like he'd even think of me that way without wanting to throw up...or so I thought.

So, I figured we'd just sleep, after all, my roommate was in her room with a guy and they just slept.

Next thing I know, he's thinking I'm asleep and starts...well.

I won't go into details, but I was intoxicated and scared out of my mind. I couldn't move, I couldn't think, I couldn't speak or anything. I just froze. About 15-20 minutes later I heard him snoring after he'd...finished and rolled over, I got up and spent the night on our living room floor in tears.

The next day, I confided in my roommate, who went with me to talk to my cousin (who I was like sisters with and who I thought would support me...even though she knew Paul and his brothers.) What I got was "but...you know he and his brothers were abused right? That's how he shows love."

Side note, his little drunken fun apparently left me a couple of souvenirs. One in the form of a fetus than never made it to birth, the other an STI and the compulsory need for my first pap smear. Yeah, ****fuck you, Paul.

Oh, and to add insult to injury, my oldest cousin was abused by his father, and went of the complete deep-end. (Meth addict, alcoholic, anger and violence against authority issues issues, the whole nine) He's aware of what Paul did, I confided in him after we sorted stuff out, he was compassionate and even got angry.

But now... he considers him "family" and calls him his "brother" and yet if I was to even mention my uncle to him, let alone want to talk to him (I don't, but still) my cousin would probably lose control and call me every name under the sun and get friends to harass me in any way they can. He also has recently begun to spout the same excuses that his younger sister gave me the day AFTER it happened.

So yes, I definitely get your disgust on victim shaming. Even Australia is covering the damn thing and we are just as outraged.

I am so sick of feeling like women need to just "roll" with it because it's our fault for being a woman, and therefore we should just expect it. It's *******fucking exhausting.

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Anonymous
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(1 day after post)
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Too common. I don't know one woman who hasn't suffered sexual abuse or harassment.

Obviously going through the usual "correct" process doesn't work to achieve justice or to prevent future attacks.

So what can we do?

Lately I've seen some victims exposing their attacker on social media. I'm uncomfortable with this because it's too easy for it to turn into a witch hunt.

I don't have any ideas.

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Anonymous
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(1 day after post)
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Aria and music=life, thanks for sharing, and Yeti, thanks for your support.

11vgvuq
(2 days after post)
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Anonymous wrote:
Too common. I don't know one woman who hasn't suffered sexual abuse or harassment.

Every single woman I know has suffered abuse, not "just" harassment (but ALSO harassment). Abuse may not be (but could be) ****rape, but it is definite violation and/or pain. ie: rough fondling to try to get what "he" wants...

Every. single. One.

And, some have encountered violations more than once in their lives, depending on the types of lifestyles they led or the types of childhoods they led.

NOT to say that someone's lifestyle means it's okay to abuse her. Just saying that sometimes, in certain lifestyles, risk factors are higher.

I guess I take back my original statement. My 16 year old daughter has not been abused. But I am an extremely over protective parent...don't take that the wrong way...they (kids) still do all that they want to do...

Anyway, my daughter DID experience some things in public school. In 3rd grade, a boy put the bathroom pass on her desk and grabbed her arm and pulled her to the bathroom. Same boy a year later, along with a group of friends, continually pulled girls' pants down and put their hands up girls' shirts on the playground. There was one girl who was my daughter's friend. This girl was very well developed at an early age. This girl would receive notes in her desk/backpack, talking about the things that boys wanted to do to her. The girl would cry when she got the notes, which made my daughter very sad...and of course, all of that stuff had to then be explained to my daughter. And to my sons.

My kids were pulled out of school that year. For various reasons, but those incidents contributed to the decision.

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Img 2679
(2 days after post)
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I am so sorry that that happened to you. I am really glad that you threw a video camera at that guy's head, honestly I think we could learn more from that example and less from all the long silences. It sucks that things used to be so bad (and in some places still are) that girls feel like reporting abuse is pointless. But we need to be disabused of that notion right now. Fighting back immediately is important. Also, I'm really sorry somebody did that to you. It's inconceivably awful. Again, thanks for throwing a video camera at the blackmailer's head.

43ca60d0 2fa2 42fe b234 d2ff6891f6dc
(2 days after post)
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I once read an article where parents would ask their children if they could hug them or pick them up. The thought behind this was that you should always ask before doing something that the other may not like. Little things like this need to be implemented in our children at a young age. A person should never have to do anything they are not comfortable with and asking first is a must. It may be at the point of no return to teach men this concept but I think that we need to teach our children better

Sherlock by olga tereshenko d9qdidc
(3 days after post)
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In the UK, a 17-year-old boy committed suicide after being falsely accused of ****rape. Then his distraught mother killed herself. This is why we cannot rush to judgment based on uncorroborated allegations.

Sherlock by olga tereshenko d9qdidc
(3 days after post)
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PS I was an Army commander and I protected my soldiers. I called for an outside investigation within the hour of hearing any allegation.

43ca60d0 2fa2 42fe b234 d2ff6891f6dc
(3 days after post)
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Sherlock wrote:
PS I was an Army commander and I protected my soldiers. I called for an outside investigation within the hour of hearing any allegation.

This is a common misconception between men and women of society. Men have this fear of being falsely accused of ****rape when in actuality these odds are slim to none. Case you bring up is an exception to the rule but we should not change your habits based on that. Compare being *****raped to being attacked by a shark. The odds of getting attacked by a shark are extremely low. It is not the sharks fault when it attacks, so we shouldn’t go hunting sharks. What we should do is educate people on how to avoid getting attacked by shark. This applies to ****rape and ****rape culture. We should not punish women for coming forward about being *****raped. But we should educate people on not ******raping people and not supporting ****rape culture

43ca60d0 2fa2 42fe b234 d2ff6891f6dc
(3 days after post)
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Sherlock wrote:
PS I was an Army commander and I protected my soldiers. I called for an outside investigation within the hour of hearing any allegation.

More information

Percent of being falsely accused of ****rape 0.005%
Percent of being falsely accused of murder- 44%
Getting attack by a shark .00001%

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Original Poster
Anonymous
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(3 days after post)
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False accusations are a possibility. There even might be misunderstandings - maybe the "attacker" doesn't realize the "victim" is incapacitated by alcohol, drugs, or fear.

But it's a rare thing.

We need to create a system in which sexually violent individuals are punished consistently, to deter other would be attackers.

This system needs to protect victims, and also those who are falsely accused. How reliable are polygraph tests? Requiring those for both accused and accuser might be a good place to start.

But since this isn't going to happen, men need to consistently conduct themselves like gentlemen and not put themselves into compromising situations where they might be falsely accused. And if it infringes on their lifestyle, and if it makes them fearful, and if sometimes men are falsely accused in spite of doing everything right, maybe then they will have more empathy for the women and girls and boys who are assaulted, whether they've done everything right or not.

Anonymous
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(4 days after post)
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Sherlock wrote:
In the UK, a 17-year-old boy committed suicide after being falsely accused of ****rape. Then his distraught mother killed herself. This is why we cannot rush to judgment based on uncorroborated allegations.


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(4 days after post)
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Re writing my original comment cus im getting a lot of feels

I'm sorry to hear about your horrifying experience. The cultural climate can be tough on victims of sexual violence right now.

That said, I think that the president had no place to say anything about it but the facts. The mocking tone he used to describe her testimony was inappropriate and really unnecessary.

The issue the op is dealing with isn't whether or not cavanaugh did it. No one posting in this forum has any secret knowlege of that.

Neither does Donald Trump.

Not knowing the truth of the situation, would it have been right to block cav's appointment? Maybe, maybe not. I dont think i feel comfortable about it, but fair enough if you have the opposite view. The point is, Trump isn't making fun of the falseness of the accusation because he doesn't really know one way or the other. He's making fun of Ford for the act of accusing. Thats why trump is wrong.

Fine if we want to give a respected judge the benefit of the doubt. But even if it comes out tomorrow that dr. Ford's accussations are completely false, the president has no reason belittle her in a public forum. Leave that bs for the sean hannity's of the world. He's the goddamn President.

When Trump says this stuff he's not crapping on sexual assault victims, though they're the ones immeadiately hurt. He's crapping on every single one of us and yes we should all be embarassed. He's got a big damn mouth he needs to stuff it at least one time for each time he lets it do whatever it wants.

Furthermore making fun of accusers does nothing to help the falsely accused. It does not validate them. Only evidence and truth can do that. And the falsely accused dont find making fun of their accusers funny either. If you laugh at that you're taking pleasure in cruelty. Which is fine, we all find jokes in bad taste funny sometimes. But trump isnt a stand up comedian and he's making light of something he should take deathly serious.

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9 12 18 8 58 22 pm
(1 week after post)
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That said, I think that the president had no place to say anything about it but the facts. The mocking tone he used to describe her testimony was inappropriate and really unnecessary.

Trump never detailed anything about the case - he simply summarized it in two words, "No proof."

Trump isn't making fun of the falseness of the accusation because he doesn't really know one way or the other. He's making fun of Ford for the act of accusing. Thats why trump is wrong.

Actually, he's making fun of the liberal Dems and SJW's who, by virtue of their stunted mentality, wants every person he (Trump) appoints, overturned. The Ford/Cav situation was political maneuvering in it's lowest fashion and doesn't represent real victims of sexual misconduct.

Furthermore making fun of accusers does nothing to help the falsely accused. It does not validate them. Only evidence and truth can do that. And the falsely accused dont find making fun of their accusers funny either.

What of the falsely accused, again? .....I wonder who's laughing and taking delight in destroying a mans life just because they don't want him in a political position....but forget that because even he's too high up the food chain to represent the average person who has been falsely accused of sexual misconduct.
Sean Hannity? No-no, it's Jerry Springer down here in the commons and the kangaroo court system that feeds men into an ever-growing penal system when a woman turns on the salty, soap opera tears.
Men get near life sentences when found guilty of certian charges (whether true or not). I would like to see a law passed where anyone laying false allegations, and is found guilty of such, they should serve the exact same time the maximum law would impose on the defendant if they were found guilty of the charge.
Otherwise, I believe that cruel revenge becomes a delicious option - after all...who tried to destroy who's life for $#!t$ and giggles to begin with?

Grunt
(1 week after post)
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i find myself afraid to ask wild questions at this point. but it doesnt mean its not there.

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