I won’t pretend that I know exactly what you’re going through- I don’t, and nobody does. We all live our own lives and through our own situations.

Despite that- we all follow similar patterns- we have hard times and as we continue on they get better and we run into other problems.

It sounds like you need a new psychiatrist. Maybe try seeing a psychologist instead? (They focus on getting to the roots of the issues and handling them rather than masking them under drugs, like psychiatrists.)

Listen to your doctors. They’ve got a lot more school and know a lot more about your health.

It sounds like you talk about killing yourself like it’s something small. Killing yourself is so much more than cutting or self-harm. It’s permanent, irreversible, and it “locks in” all of the problems. Things don’t get better. It simply removes your ability to ever fix any of the issues you are going through. At least sticking around there is hope for things to get better. Live for hope.

Growing up, my life went up and down a lot, but I always seemed to get a lot more “lowest low” than “highest highs” and things got worse and worse for a long time.
At some point, things stopped getting worse. There was still ups and downs, but the “lowest low” stopped occurring. Things started getting better and it took a while and before I realized, I got to a point where I could honestly say my life was good.

I know many others that have gone through the same situation. My lowest point was probably around age 16-17. Some people reach it at 24 or even 30. Those might seem far away, but it’s WORTH the wait. And I can promise you that. The wait is ALWAYS worth it. Even if, in the best case scenario, after suicide your conscience goes into nothing- you’ll be nothing for all eternity, and your last piece of existence was miserable and you never got to experience the best of the best that you’ll get to have. If nothing else, stick around just to see the best moment of your life and at that time you’ll be so happy you stuck around because it’s so worth it.

That’s the thing- there’s nothing to “deserve” you don’t have to deserve a life to be given it. See it as a gift. But it’s a wasted gift if you throw it away.

You may not desire it now, but that doesn’t mean you won’t later- every day you live is another gift to your future self- gifts you WILL appreciate when the time comes.

If you feel nothing and have no desires- just coast for now. No need to just throw everything everything away and stop any good from ever happening again. No sense in losing all future potential because of boredom or lack of (current) interest for this world.

First, stay alive
Second, keep with your in-patient meds.
Third, fire your psych and find a new one.

Start doing some things that you think would give your life meaning.

Do you work, do you have friends? Fill in the gaps in your life.

Killing yourself is not a solution, it's a door to bigger problems than you have now.

Plus, it's still winter.

Make simple plans that you can accomplish and work your way through to the bigger ones. Life comes and goes all too quickly anyway, you're not given time to throw it away.

try to find something you enjoy doing, that should help you out, i think... i like soccer, so when i play it really puts me in a better mood...

we all have problems, we are trying our best... a lot of time, life is too hard, sometimes its nice, easy, and beautiful. Thats life tho, i think the beautiful moment that come so rarely are often worth all the pain.

try different, sport, art, music... maybe you will find something you are passionate about

Ill is not lazy and selfish is only true if you have more then you need.

We all have little wars with our thoughts inside our heads. Some meds will quite them and others will confuse them.

My friend you do deserve someone to trust. There are people here who don't know you and will give you good advice you can "trust".

What music do you get into?

if your therapy and therapist isnt working for you request that it is changed.
if your meds arent working for you, tell someone. if they are and you dont want to change them, tell someone.

therapy is designed to be collaborative between the patient and the therapist. you chooe your goals, plan how you might get there and then work towards it together. trust needs to be built and a mutual understanding and respect.

as for the multiple diagnoses there are strong comorbidities between various mental health disorders which isnt always helpful. and can lead to a big medley of medication which i personally dont always think is a good thing though it depends on the person.

i dont know how old you are or what youve been through but things can get better. BUT, they wont if you dont try and make them better. it really is that simple. whether its cutting off people and parts of your life that cause the negativity. working with your therapist and being proactive in your treatment. or changing up your lifestyle and exapnding your horizons and interests. not working with them, not taking your meds, not trying to engage in therapy, not voicing your concerns about it and keeping the one track mind of 'this is my life and im stuck with it' will make sure that no, it wont get better and it wont change.

its one of the hardest things to do. i have seen people choose both paths. the ones who chose to make the effort got their way out of the hole and moved forward and while they still have some demons in their closets theyre doing good. the ones who didnt are still dealing with the same crap, still not happy and getting ever deeper in the hole of their dispair.

Its your choice, but i hope you make the one which will help you the most.

How did you find us?
I think it was slightly fate because we can and will help you if you allow us to. All it takes is communication. Will you be willing to do that?

@Nevermind You may already know this, but it might help others here tremendously.

Treating someone with borderline personality disorder can be one of the toughest challenges a social worker encounters. Life for such a client is like trying to drive a car that is constantly careening out of control. Emotional vulnerability, fear of abandonment, and a seemingly invalid environment push the car from one side of the road to the other. The tiniest stressors can force the car into a ditch.

Problems often ensue when a therapist tries to get the car on a straight and steady path. A client’s seemingly constant crises, demands, and mood fluctuations can frustrate and wear out the therapist. This frustration can convince the client that the therapist doesn’t care, a belief that leads the client to let problem behaviors escalate or leave therapy. In the end, both the client and the therapist are left to wonder whether there really is anything that can be done to help the client.

But exasperation is waning as more social workers learn of a different approach to treating borderline personality disorder. The approach, called dialectical behavior therapy (DBT), provides a clear framework for treating borderline personality disorder that takes into account clients’ need for validation and self-coping skills and therapists’ need for boundaries in relationships with clients. Research and anecdotal reports show that DBT can be effective for many clients, although some observers are not yet convinced it is the best approach.

“(DBT) is not magic, it’s not a cure all,” says Cathy Nelson, MSW, LISW, owner of Compassionate Counseling & Skills Training in Ames, IA. “But I like it because it gives you a road map. I like having a treatment that I can use for something that is often considered untreatable.”

DBT: A Snapshot
Marsha Linehan, PhD, a clinical psychologist at the University of Washington, began developing DBT more than 20 years ago in an attempt to better treat suicidal patients. Today, the therapy is best known for its use among people with borderline personality disorder. It has also been used to treat several other disorders, including eating disorders, substance abuse, posttraumatic stress disorder, anxiety, and obsessive-compulsive disorder. DBT can be administered in various inpatient and outpatient settings.

I am glad you found us again. Please stay.

Why was your Dad reported to the police?

So then you are aware that none of this, none of what you are going through, is your fault.

[Bouncing from here to shout and back again... lol]

Dear kovusshame,

To be frank, I deemed you more determined than lazy judging from these ordeals. People abandoning a path through loss of motivation can be observed all the time, just by noticing and following or recalling certain endeavours.
I can relate to wanting little for myself, and disinclination to seize it from others. However, also have an obligation towards people who rely on me, or rather extending mutual devotion. Won't claim to understand how you see things, but I think you did feel something positive towards this place, to return here? These sort of whims, I find rather interesting to follow.

What exactly do you fear?

If you remember zirbel, he once wrote this tip which I found quite helpful to get through troubled nights:

If I can fixate on a certain point high point without moving for long enough, whatever thoughts are staving off sleep will eventually meld into dreams.

By the way, if I'm not mistaken padre was recruited as a cadet instructor recently - my first few months at the army were difficult, and the same applies to others as far as I've seen. I think he'd appreciate a message from a friend.

Perhaps you consider yourself a burden, but I was pertaining to his viewpoint. When I had felt depressed or suicidal in the army, it didn't really matter what sort of connection I had with the person who intervened: that they cared enough to remember me and reach out, was important to me.
You don't have to believe me on this. But if there's some part of you which feels different - as mentioned, it bids exploration.

Again, it's a different perspective. Doesn't really matter if they're just running an errand, or in need of something, or passing by.
Suppose what matters is, do you want to find out?

I have not read the above replies

Kyofu, It does get better. I say that a lot to you, and it doesn't seem to be happening, but it is.

When you were with your father, you were *****raped and abused. Now that isn't happening. That part of your life has gotten better.

Other things have happened since then, but your life has changed for the better ever so slightly.

Other positive things have happened as well. They may be small and seemingly insignificant but things are changing for the better. If you go and end things now, then your life won't have the chance to show you how good it can really be.

Change, whether good or bad, is always hard, and scary. But change is also a good thing. Without change then we stagnate, remaining the same forever. As we grow both in age and experience then we learn that change is good.
You have seen a LOT of things in your short time on this planet, and most of those things that you have seen are negative. Give your life the chance to show you the good.

As a fellow suicide attempt survivor, I know that life is hard, and suicide looks like the answer. But having survived, I've also learned that it isn't the answer.
Think of it like this. You and I have been through a lot together, and had I succeeded at my attempt at suicide, then I wouldn't have been able to help you through your hard times. I wouldn't have been able to be a part of your life. That is another positive thing about how all our lives are intertwined, and how staying alive and change are good things.

Dear kyofu
You're saying that everybody has their own issues and you're nothing special. Even though everybody has their issues, you are unique! Otherwise, try to find two people with the same personality. You won't. You are unique and you must be treated as such. Your doctor doesn't know everything and if he/she can't help you, you should find another one who can. People don't come with owners manual and not only you can't know how to live your life without hurting others, you're not supposed to know. The only person you're supposed to take care of, is yourself. Let the others take care of themselves, stop worrying that you're a burden and start taking care of you. There are coping mechanisms you could try, to learn how to be a better you and hopefully, this will help you with your interaction with other people. I've learnt that listening to "happy" music, trying something creative like dancing or drawing when you're experiencing bad emotions, help a lot. Also, learning to observe your emotions and trying to communicate them to others and not suppress them, also helps. Some breathing exercise also help, the important to know is that your emotions change very quickly. So, even though it's easy to get sad, it's also easy to get happy. For example, if you start counting and breathing when angry, and wait for a few minutes, the bad emotion will fade away. You will also find that helping others, could help you. Nothing special, just giving a smile and saying a good word could make you feel better about yourself. All in all it's not about how many times you'll fall, it's about how many times you'll get back up. Give yourself another chance and try hard to make it work. It'll worth it.

Completely understand...